Spring Summer Autumn Winter

Li Yu'an was a little confused, didn't sleep well, and forgot to take the painting back the next day.

Frankly speaking, when he saw Yang Siyuan, nothing came out of his mind.

After signing the contract, he also began to write some articles suitable for adolescent boys and girls. Most of them had nothing to do with love, but just discussed the confusion and rebellion of adolescents.

But one day, the editor suddenly found him and asked him if he could write an article about love.

Li Yu'an was a little embarrassed. After all, he had never had love before, so how could he write this.

"First love, secret love, friendship and more than lovers, all of these are fine," said the editor.

"Can I think about it?" Li Yu'an asked.

The editor also had other manuscripts in his hand, so he was not in a hurry, so he gave him some time to think about it.

"I can feel that there must be someone in your heart." The editor said.

There are a lot of cloudy days these days, making people feel a little gloomy, but it doesn't matter, anyway, Li Yuan's mood has nothing to do with the weather.

The weather forecast said heavy rain, so Li Yuan took an umbrella and went out.

After signing the contract, he earned a little more every month, but he chose to use the extra money to pay off his debts, and his own living expenses didn't cost much.

If he pays more each time, the time required to pay off the debt will be shortened, and he will be relieved faster.

After visiting several villages, I paid off the debts of two or three families.In fact, every time he went there, he felt that he had been punished once.Especially when the boy who was about his age but whose hand was taken away by the blender came to open the door for him, he would feel a throbbing pain in his heart.It really wasn't his fault, but the one who made the mistake gave him life.

He has never experienced his father's love, but he has to bear the pain his father brought him.

He felt that he could not escape this pain until he died.

The return bus had to transfer at the county seat, but before arriving at the county seat, it began to rain suddenly.

It was raining heavily, and the bean-sized raindrops rushed down for no reason, hitting the car window one by one, leaving tear streaks.

The road in the village was uneven and muddy after it rained. The bus swayed back and forth on the road, moving forward with difficulty, and the people on the bus also swayed.

Li Yuan sat in the corner, leaning his head against the window, listening to the sound of rain hitting the glass.When the car shook, he was led to shake, and his head hit the edge of the window, making a dull sound.

But he didn't care, as if he didn't feel any pain at all.

When he arrived at the station, he got out of the car to hold an umbrella, and as a result, the raindrops in a line flew towards him obliquely under the action of the wind, and wet his clothes.

The location of this bus station is really good, it is more than 1000 meters away from the transfer station.And to cross the 1000 meters, the fastest way is to go through Yang Siyuan's home.

When the wind and rain hit, Li Yu'an leaned on the umbrella and walked forward slowly.

In the rain, the outline of the community gradually became prominent.

close, close...

"Xueba?!" Amidst the deafening rain, Li Yu'an heard such a sentence.

Naturally, no one was talking around him, so the voice probably came from his head.

That's right, it was at this position. When Yang Siyuan first started tutoring, he saw him coming to class in the rain at this position, so he called him like that.

Li Yu'an originally thought that he would not remember, this is really terrible.

He stood there for a while, and didn't leave until the legs of his trousers were completely soaked.

He made a decision - not to go this way when he comes back.

After returning home at night, he declined the editor.

Fortunately, the editor didn't embarrass him, saying that he can write it after he has inspiration.

There will be no inspiration, his inspiration has been killed by himself.Li Yu'an thought.

……

The students in No. [-] Middle School have a kind of obsession with rainy days, and they wish to build a small temple on the podium and pray to the Dragon King every day.

Because for this school, the label "historic" also includes school buildings and equipment.Once there is any extreme weather, the power is always cut off, and after the power outage, you have to light candles for evening self-study.I couldn't see the blackboard clearly after lighting the candles, so I simply skipped class and switched to self-study.The lights are dim, and the teacher can't see clearly what the students are doing, so the students at this moment let themselves go freely.

The rain in the north came quickly and violently, without any prelude, just like pouring down, drenching the dry earth.

When it was raining, Yang Siyuan was still writing papers in the training room, while Yu Fei sat opposite and read a magazine.

"Your position is easy to be seen by the teacher who enters the door." Yang Siyuan casually reminded him.

The relationship between the two of them is a bit delicate now. Although they both dislike each other, Yang Siyuan still remembers Yu Fei's appearance when he cared about Qi Ming, and Yu Fei doesn't seem to have such deep aversion to Yang Siyuan, a homosexual "patient". .

Yang Siyuan thought for a while, it seemed that Yu Fei only had that kind of attitude towards Qi Ming.

He really didn't understand this guy well.

"I've seen it several times already." Yu Fei sneered and turned a page. "So what if you see it, if you get the test result, you will get it."

These words came out of his mouth, they were soft and reasonable, Yang Siyuan ignored him.

Suddenly, with a "pop", the light went out.

"The power went out again." Yang Siyuan complained.

Yu Feizheng read halfway through, frowned, closed the magazine and said, "Okay, go back to the classroom and light the wax, I won't stay in this room anyway."

The training room is so big and empty, it would be really weird if there were only two flames burning.

Yang Siyuan also put away the papers and returned to the classroom.

The classroom is already full of candlelight, and the students are all excited, playing various childish games under the dim light.

When there was a power outage before, Yang Siyuan and Fan Li played backgammon with a piece of composition paper.Fan Li is very smart, Yang Siyuan has never been able to beat her, and every time he loses, he has to give her his meal card to squander.

Yang Siyuan walked through the crowded tables, chairs and benches to sit on his own chair, lit a candle and stuck it on the table, feeling dazed.

The class bell rang, and the English teacher came to watch the self-study, but the students were still doing their own things secretly.

Sitting in the corner, Yang Siyuan tilted his head and saw the girl on the other side of the aisle drawing.

The girl seemed to have noticed him, glanced this way, then stuck out her tongue playfully at him, and stretched out her arm to block the painting.

He also smiled at her jokingly, then looked away.

After dazed for a while, he slowly took out a piece of paper from the table and slowly flattened it on the table.

With the help of candlelight, the black traces on the paper were covered with a layer of soft light, making the graphics seem to have warmth.

Yang Siyuan looked at the painting, then stroked it carefully.

It was a right hand with slightly curved fingers, and there was a shallow vertical line on the nail of the index finger.

He stroked his fingers on the painting reverently and gently, as if touching a treasure.

It would be great if he was Ma Liang, the magic brush, he could make the hand in the painting come alive, and he could interlock his fingers with it.

I really want to hold his hand tightly.

Really Want.

This idea ran back and forth in his mind, becoming more and more insane, almost rushing out.

Suddenly, he stopped and pulled out a pencil.

He had tried it, and he couldn't get down to it.

Holding the pencil in his right hand, he trembled a little.

Here, yes, here, this, this...

He... put pen to paper.

The pen tip rubbed against the paper surface, leaving lead marks, which were shallow, short, and not smooth at first, and then became faster and smoother, and soon the other hand was outlined.

This is a left hand. The drawing is relatively rough and simple, but the details of the joints are obvious.

Together, those details express a movement—a firm grip on that beautiful right hand.

Yang Siyuan stopped his pen and gave a wry smile, never thinking that he would draw this again.

At that time, it would have been nice if Li Yu'an had curled up his hands, in that case, the two hands could hold each other.It won't be like now, just his hand is holding it unilaterally.

……

The days of the third year of high school were like wheels rolling on them every day, especially after the first pass, in order to sprint for the college entrance examination, the school arranged courses for them like crazy.

Since the second half of the third year of high school, their class schedule has undergone tremendous changes.

Mock exams on Wednesday and Thursday, marking on Friday and Saturday, tidying up on Sunday, reviewing on Monday and Tuesday.Then start the exam on Wednesday and Thursday, and so on, integrating their entire life rhythm with the exam.At the beginning, the students were not used to such an intensive examination arrangement, and they were nervous at every turn. As a result, after less than two months, everyone became numb.

This was in line with the teacher's wishes - this arrangement was originally intended to eliminate the students' nervousness about the exam.

Of course, this also has great disadvantages.

It's exhausting and exhausting.

Yang Siyuan either suffered from insomnia or had nightmares before.It's all right now, I took the exam until late all day, and I just waited for a good night's sleep to refresh my spirits, but in the end I still couldn't sleep, which added a lot of fatigue.I can’t sleep at night, and I’m not awake during the day. If I’m not awake, I can’t concentrate on the questions. If I can’t do the questions well, I’ll leave a lot of homework until I work overtime at night. Once I work overtime, I’ll get tired again.Going round and round like this, eroding his nerves like an endless loop.

I don't know how many days passed like this, but when he was about to have a second model, Yang Siyuan fainted in the bathroom.

That night, he was the only one in the self-study and training room. After writing a few papers, he felt his head buzzing, and he also felt nauseous. He drank some water, but the feeling of vomiting became stronger and stronger.

He guessed that he was too tired, so he wanted to get up and go to the bathroom to wash his face to wake up.

At that time, class was about to start, and there was no one in the bathroom. He wiped his face twice, and took a deep breath while holding the sink.

I want to vomit... no...

His stomach was churning, as if something was stirring inside, he finally couldn't help it, and vomited crazily by grabbing the edge of the old pool in the corner.Food, gastric juices, and bile mix together and emit a foul smell.

The vomiting made his veins exposed, his face flushed, and tears came out of his eyes. He felt like he was about to vomit out his internal organs.

In the end, the vomiting turned into trembling retching, and he couldn't vomit anything, but the nausea didn't disappear.

It's over...it's over...

He turned on the faucet, rinsed his mouth, then pressed his chest and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down.

However, suddenly, an extremely strong sense of nausea hit him, and he was forced to retch again, but this time the effect was much greater than before.It was suddenly dark before his eyes, and then he lost consciousness and fell by the pool.

The faucet was still on, and the water was rushing.And the pipes in the pool seemed to be leaking somewhere, and the water seeped out from nowhere, and soon the entire ground was submerged.

When Yang Siyuan regained consciousness, he felt ice-cold all over.

His limbs were frozen, unable to move, only to open his eyes.

I felt it for a while, as if my legs were soaked in water.

How long have you been dizzy?What time is it now?Has anyone spotted him?

In his faint consciousness, he only felt a burst of despair and helplessness.

I'm not going to die here, am I?

If you stay here all night... Maybe you will really die?

Die... I don't think I've ever thought of dying...

He started to think wildly, and the whole world was spinning.

Just when he was about to lose consciousness again, the get out of class bell rang.Then there were many footsteps, and finally he heard someone shout "Somebody's fainted!"

After that, he didn't remember anything.

After countless days of insomnia, he finally fell into a deep sleep.

It was evening when I woke up, the lights were off, the curtains were drawn, and it was dark.There was a sound coming from the kitchen, as if someone was cooking.

"Hmm..." His whole body was numb, he had no strength at all, and he would fall back if he moved.

"Mom..." he called weakly.

When Chen Limei heard the sound, she immediately came from the kitchen and sat beside his bed, the worry on her face finally receded.

"I'm awake." She touched Yang Siyuan's sallow face and let out a long sigh of relief.

"How long have I been asleep today?" He raised his hand, saw the medical tape on his hand, and asked.

Chen Limei sighed, and said: "I've been asleep for a whole day. Your classmate found yours. I asked Uncle Liu to show you. It's nothing. He said it might be because he vomited too hard and compressed his blood vessels. He still had a fever when he came back... The fever is gone now, and I'm fine."

Listening to her soft voice, Yang Siyuan nodded and did not speak.

"I'm making porridge for you in the kitchen. I just woke up, and I'll eat some later. I'll go and watch it first, and you lie down later." Chen Limei said, then tucked him in the quilt and went back to the kitchen.

Yang Siyuan looked at the ceiling, feeling a little unreal.

She hadn't cared about him so tenderly for a long time.

This may be the conflicting relationship between parents and children. Conflict and care coexist, and love and hate are intertwined and tormented. They just refuse to let both parties express their inner thoughts simply and peacefully.

What a deformity.Yang Siyuan thought.

The porridge was ready soon, Chen Limei handed it to him, and asked worriedly: "Isn't your body pretty good...why did it suddenly happen? Are you too tired?"

The porridge was delicious, but maybe it was an illusion because he was too hungry.

"Well... the insomnia is a bit severe these days." He said.

"Why do you still have insomnia? You didn't have it before?" Chen Limei asked.

Yang Siyuan shook his head and said "I don't know".

After a long while, Chen Limei suddenly said: "I heard Uncle Liu said that the Anshen Tonic is good. Later, when you go to school, take two boxes and drink a bottle before going to bed. See if it can help?"

The porridge was finished quickly, and Yang Siyuan finally regained some strength.He nodded and agreed.

He rested at home for three days, and every day was like a walking corpse.

On the day he returned to school, he obediently went to school and bought a box of Anshen Tonic. After drinking it that night, he really felt calmer. Although it didn't help insomnia very much, he still fell asleep very late, but at least he can fall asleep now Yes, the situation is much better than before.

After the directors knew about him, they took turns talking to him, comforting him softly, telling him to relax and not to put too much pressure on himself.

Yang Siyuan listened in a daze, feeling a little ridiculous.

He really doesn't have a lot of pressure to study, but he can't tell where the pressure comes from.

Not all Li Yuan, there are others...

Those things that existed but were neglected by him for more than ten years, they began to wake up slowly this winter, ran out from the corner of memory, ran to Yang Siyuan's eyes, forcing him to recognize some facts.

When a person who thinks he is fairly happy suddenly finds that he is living in such a bad way, how much pressure can his untrained heart bear?

This is an unknown, because Yang Siyuan is still in the process of being oppressed.

At that time, he often wondered, did Li Yuan know that he was not happy since he was a child?

How much harm will it do to a child who is born looking forward to happiness but has to accept the fact that he is not happy?

Will such damage never be repaired?

The answer lies in Li Yu'an's heart.

……

In May, the manager of the bookstore took them on a trip with the staff.The scenic spot is not very far away, so it is suitable for a short weekend trip to relax, but everyone still had a good time.

In the evening they had a picnic, set up a pot, and cooked something to eat.

Li Yu'an was not able to play with them, so he cooked silently while they were fighting, but when he cooked several dishes, the group of people were still playing.

In desperation, he had no choice but to contract a table of dishes.

When everyone was tired from playing, they sat around and enjoyed a big meal.

Of course, Li Yu'an's craftsmanship is quite good, and his colleagues praised him while eating, probably because of the relaxed atmosphere, they also talked more.In the beginning, they only praised him for the delicious food, but later they began to praise him for his seriousness, low-key kindness, cold outside and hot inside, especially Cen Huan, and he used many examples to prove it.

Originally, a person should be happy when he is praised, even if he is humble on the surface, he should be very proud in his heart, but Li Yu'an is not, Li Yu'an just feels uneasy.

No, what you said is wrong.

I am not like this.

I'm not good at all, I have no merits, I'm rotten...

In the noise reflected by the bonfire, Li Yu'an avoided their smiling faces as if he was running away, wishing to peel off his skin and show them his dark heart.

He could hear nothing but his own voice in his head.

I'm a rotten person and I don't deserve anything.