The difference between cloud and mud

Walking into Jiang Tong's house, Xiao Fengtai first smelled a pungent smell.The smell is based on the bitter smell of traditional Chinese medicine boiled, mixed with dust, ink, overnight vegetables and carbon dioxide exhaled by human beings.He tried his best to control his facial expression, but still couldn't help taking two steps back, holding his breath and exhaling through his mouth to suppress the disgust rolling in his chest.

He has done a lot of psychological construction, thinking that he can deal with any environment with equanimity.However, eating pork and seeing pigs running are two different things.Living in a dark and smelly old apartment, he found in frustration that he began to miss the star hotel he stayed in last night.

"Xiao Tong is back." Fang Dayong ran out of the kitchen in a hurry when he heard the door open and close.He opened the kitchen door, and a hot, humid air with the smell of medicine flowed away, Xiao Fengtai felt that he was about to suffocate.

Jiang Tong obviously noticed his discomfort, but chose to turn a blind eye.

"This is my classmate in Singapore." He introduced to Fang Dayong: "I'm traveling in Beijing during the summer vacation, and I happen to be on the way, so I'll come to visit my home."

"Why didn't you tell me earlier!" Fang Dayong was very enthusiastic: "There is nothing to entertain at home... You guys sit down first, I'll go downstairs to buy some fruit snacks."

"Where's my mother?" Jiang Tong asked.

"I went with Beibei for a review, and I'll be back later." Fang Dayong called the two of them into the main room to sit down, and took out a kettle from the kitchen to pour water for Xiao Fengtai: "It's hot outside, drink first."

The water cups are unpaired, and there are yellow-brown tea stains hanging on the walls of the cups, and white water-alkali particles visible to the naked eye are floating in the cups.Xiao Fengtai bit the bullet and took a sip of cool white tea, the root of his tongue was bitter, his throat seemed to have been ground by sandpaper.

"Thank you uncle." He forced a smile.

Fang Dayong waved his hand to show that he should, and found the TV remote control and put it on the coffee table.The furniture in the room is extremely simple, and it can be seen that it has been around for a long time.However, because there are debris piled up everywhere, it looks very messy and narrow.Although Fang Dayong has lost a lot of weight over the past year, he still looks too fat for this hut. He either knocked over the medicine box or turned over the washbasin along the way, making constant ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, and ping.

The door slammed shut, and Fang Dayong's heavy footsteps gradually moved away.Xiao Fengtai and Jiang Tong sat side by side, and neither of them spoke for a while.

"The place at home is small, so I won't keep you for dinner." Jiang Tong said flatly: "Now you can check the flight, let's just sit and go."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Xiao Fengtai's throat seemed to be choked: "These things...why do you keep it from me?"

"Because it has nothing to do with our relationship." Jiang Tong said in a low voice: "Hurry up and book tickets, it's not easy to go to the airport later in the traffic jam."

"I can obviously help you!"

"I don't need your help!"

Xiao Fengtai looked at him incredulously, as if facing a stranger.Jiang Tong realized that he had lost his composure, took a deep breath, and suppressed the depression in his heart.

"Just this flight." He opened the booking website and showed Xiao Fengtai the phone screen: "Fill in your identity and passport information, so I can pay."

"No need to book a ticket." Xiao Fengtai whispered: "They are still in Beijing today."

"I lied just now."

Jiang Tong smiled bitterly: "That's it."

"That's right, you give me the address of the hotel, and I'll take you back later."

"China is no better than Singapore. You are not familiar with the place where you were born. After you go back, follow the group honestly and don't run around."

Jiang Tong, who was out of control just now, was almost like Xiao Fengtai's hallucination.He changed back to his appearance in Singapore, gentle, considerate, and even a little mother-in-law.Life with him is a regular four-square grid, no accidents, no conflicts, everything is well-organized and under control.

But they can't go back to the past.This small apartment is a small urn, and a part of Jiang Tong in Xiao Fengtai's heart died the moment he stepped into it.

His teacher, his lover, a smart, gentle, introverted and handsome young scientist, it turns out that his calmness and composure are all illusions.He thought of Jiang Tong's tidy and warm little apartment in Singapore, and his wishful thinking about Jiang Tong: an elegant and serious stepfather, a beautiful and gentle mother, a close and harmonious small family...the first 18 years of Jiang Tong's life—he The first 18 years in his imagination——lived in such a small and dark concrete square that Xiao Fengtai had only seen in news and pictorials.

Xiao Fengtai said softly: "Jiang Tong, do you look down on me?"

He is willing to share everything in life with Jiang Tong, his past, present, future, most secret expectations, and deepest pain.He thought Jiang Tong was the same, and now he realizes that the other party probably regards his relationship as an adolescent fever.Jiang Tong probably never really loved him, Xiao Fengtai thought, he was just half-pushing, condescendingly watching him go crazy driven by hormones.

No wonder he didn't want to take the "last step." How could a normal-oriented adult be interested in a child, a brat?

"It should be useless to say anything now." Jiang Tong's laughter was full of pain.

"Why are you here?"

Xiao Fengtai will know all this sooner or later.Although Jiang Tong had no hope for this, he had fantasized about it a few times.Wait for him to get an offer from the North American laboratory, wait for Xiao Fengtai to go to university, wait for his academic career prospects to become clearer... wait until he has enough foundation, if they are still together, Jiang Tong will introduce him to his family.

Not now.It is by no means nothing, the future is bleak and unclear, and the present is at the mercy of others.

The door lock turned, and Fang Dayong came back with two baskets full of vegetables.Seeing Jiang Tong and Xiao Fengtai sitting in their original positions with stiff expressions, the TV was not turned on.He immediately decided that Jiang Tong was neglectful of hospitality, and hurriedly put all kinds of snacks and fruits on the coffee table, and warmly invited Xiao Fengtai to stay at home for dinner.

"No, he has something else to do." Xiao Fengtai was about to speak, but Jiang Tong had already rejected Fang Dayong on his behalf: "Take a rest, we will leave right away."

His attitude was respectful but resolute. Fang Dayong shrank his neck, as if he was a little afraid of him.People with a discerning eye can see that Jiang Tong is the real talker in the family.

Xiao Fengtai was exhausted physically and mentally, and had no intention of causing trouble, so he followed Jiang Tong to leave meekly.Jiang Tong hailed a taxi on the side of the road, Xiao Fengtai thought he was going back to the hotel, and told him the address, but he acted as if he had never heard of it, and told the driver a strange place.

Xiao Fengtai didn't know what kind of tricks Jiang Tong was playing, the young man was silent all the way, without any intention of explaining.

Perhaps it was because he was afraid that he would reveal his family background when he returned to Singapore, so that he would take advantage of the dark moon and wind to destroy his body and traces.Xiao Fengtai thought indifferently, staring at the gradually lit neon lights outside the window in a trance.

The taxi stopped in front of a small alley.Although the alleys are narrow, they are brightly lit and noisy.The characters "string" formed by red light tubes are hung crookedly on the wall, providing a strong explanation for the rich cumin fragrance and the messy bamboo sticks all over the floor.

This is not a good place to kill people.

Jiang Tong carried Xiao Fengtai's luggage and strode into the alley.The path was full of bumps and holes, and Xiao Fengtai's silver brand-name suitcase collided with the asphalt road from time to time, making toothache scratching sounds.

Folding tables and chairs were mostly scattered outside the small stalls. Jiang Tong stopped outside the largest "string" and sat down in front of an empty table.

Xiao Fengtai sat down with him, and immediately noticed that the folding table was reflecting light—it was not the table itself reflecting light, but the old oil accumulated over the years was shining under the lamp.

He tried hard to control what he didn't want to experience on the folding stool he was sitting on at the moment.

It was meal time, and there were diners sitting around them: a young girl wearing only a pair of big underpants with a sweaty beer belly, a young girl with hair dyed straw yellow, big blue and purple eyeshadow, and a ponytail on her tattooed arms. The little bastard in the ripped T-shirt... the flesh sizzling when it touches the oil, the background sound of the range hood rumbling, the beer bottles colliding, cursing, laughing, and shouting all merged into one.It was a scene I had only seen on TV and pictorials.Xiao Fengtai had the illusion that his little stool was a buoy on the rough sea. He sank and floated in the sea of ​​sound, light and smell, feeling slightly dizzy.

Jiang Tong called the waiter loudly, Xiao Fengtai was caught off guard and was startled by his volume.Jiang Tong skillfully ordered mutton skewers, chicken skewers, grilled squid, and some food that Xiao Fengtai had never heard of (what is gluten?), and two cans of beer.

The food and drink came to the table quickly.On a large stainless steel tray, there are various kinds of skewers piled up like a hill, and the oil of unknown color and the remaining sauce are floating on the bottom of the tray.The beer has just been taken out of the refrigerator, and a layer of water droplets has formed on the edge, which is cold in the hot summer.

Jiang Tong opened both cans of wine: "Eat it quickly, it's delicious while it's hot."

Xiao Fengtai sat without moving.

He picked up a skewer of meat by himself and ate it with relish.

"Didn't you accuse me of hiding everything from you?" Jiang Tong took a sip of beer and filled his mouth with food: "I went to middle school next to this alley, and I grew up eating these things."

Xiao Fengtai picked up a bunch of shapeless objects from the tray, and started chewing hard.

The ingredients in the small restaurant are not fresh, so a lot of spices are sprinkled to cover up the taste.Xiao Fengtai's tongue was so hot that he lost feeling quickly. He drank a big gulp of cold beer to relieve the hotness, and was choked by the bitter liquor and coughed again and again.

"Haven't you had a drink before?" Jiang Tong was amused by his embarrassed appearance.

"When I drank for the first time, it was only a little bit bigger." He pointed a short distance with his fingers: "My mother told me, she said that my father likes to drink very much, and every time he drinks, he uses Dip your chopsticks and feed me a little."

"He also lied to me that the beer was orange soda. I believed it at first, but then I stopped drinking it even if he poured me real soda."

"My eyes look like my dad and my nose looks like my mom."

"I'm not from Beijing. My mother remarried and moved here when I was in the first year of junior high school. English teaching in my hometown is slow. When I started the test, my grade was counting backwards. My mother woke me up at five o'clock every morning to memorize words."

"My grades in the college entrance examination were mediocre, but fortunately, the Singapore government came to our school to organize a subsidy program. After I passed the exam, my mother went back to her hometown to give my father a visit."

"When I was in my sophomore year, she was diagnosed with lymphoma. We stayed up late to go to Xiehe to register, and the doctor prescribed rituximab. Do you know how much rituximab costs?"

He wobbled around and compared a letter V: "2 yuan, a bottle of 2 milliliters costs [-] yuan."

"The hospital is really a waste of money. Examination fees, bed fees, medicine fees, nursing fees, equipment fees... so much, so much money, it's like throwing it into water without even making a sound."

"I have written papers for others." He suddenly changed the subject: "I dare to write on any topic, on the continuation and development of authoritarianism in the [-]th century, a brief analysis of Southeast Asian colonial literature, and using game theory to analyze the current international trade pattern... Which topic gives more money to write. I also do homework for me. I like to write freshman physics and mathematics homework. The money is less, but it is done quickly.”

"The Singapore government stipulates that after graduation, you must stay in the local service, otherwise all scholarships will be refunded."

"I don't want to stay in Singapore. I want to go to the US, to a state-of-the-art immunology lab. I have to get the full scholarship."

Xiao Fengtai was silent amidst the drunken noise.He finally understood Jiang Tong's intentions.

"Why do you have to know these things?"

Jiang Tong was still smiling, very steady and gentle, but it made Xiao Fengtai's nose sore.

"I never looked down on you." Jiang Tong said slowly.

It's me who looks down on myself.