Su Zi Yu Xia

These words, I don't care what others think, I'm just telling myself.I just want to remind myself over and over again, no matter how beautiful the ivory tower is, behind that beauty is all rotten, dirty, extravagant and filthy.Sooner or later, it will come to naught, everything will rot and stink and become filthy, and the foul-smelling black water will engulf everything and destroy everything without mercy.

Recently, the feeling has become more intense, and suddenly I feel that I don't understand feelings.You can't analyze emotional things like feelings, they come and go quickly without a clue, and it's hard to really tell why.I am not questioning my feelings for that person, nor am I inferring what that person's feelings for me are, but I feel that the feelings are too complicated for no reason, and I feel powerless.

My memory has always been bad, and I always suddenly fall into a trance state, that is, the kind of soul leaving the body, the eyes are no longer in focus, and the inside of the head is suddenly blank, just like a flash brought by lightning. like sudden daylight.It is the state of brain shutdown. Recently, this situation has become more and more frequent, and I am in a trance.

Suddenly I didn't want to tell the story anymore, and felt that if I wanted to tell the story, it would be just a few words.But the twists and turns are too complicated to mention.Finally, the storyteller is no longer the person in the story, but his gaze falls on another familiar or unfamiliar person through the story.It's cool.

It started for no reason and ended without a disease. These eight words have already described those years.It is really sparse, but it is also desolate, as if looking at another scene through the subtitles.Empty, desolate, noisy, struggling, withered, sad, dead.

I don't want to bring up the past anymore, I'm afraid that if I think about the past in this state of mind, the beauty and warmth will be wiped out in an instant.It's better to just put it firmly in your head, don't think about it deliberately and don't choose to forget it.Treat it casually as if it had become Xu Song's usual past.Deliberately going too far is an obsession, and there is no need to do it specially.

Let’s start with the recent one. Four months have passed, and it should be 123 days. It’s really a good number that I don’t know what to say.I thought about going hysterical, and I thought about giving up, but in the end, it became a constant longing.I can't do stalking, after all, I am also a human being, not a cold, heartless, and not sad corpse.I also have my joys and pains, let me always watch them how and what I can't do, asking me to send blessings, this is really cruel.

So restrained, so suppressed, so I was hysterical alone, so I endured it silently.I selectively and impulsively told a few friends about us, but I don't know how they really reacted.I'm just very grateful to them for not saying a word of disapproval in front of me.But I still have a lot of regrets, because the two people who were supposed to appear in front of them were holding hands, but in the end it was just my downfall.

I don't know and dare not think about how many people I have left out and how many things I have neglected because of this relationship.I was afraid that I would feel ashamed and blush when I put all these things on display.

The final chapter

Eight months have passed so far, and this period of time is like a year for me.

During this period of time, many things happened, those ups and downs and impermanence, we all know each other's mind.I don't want to deny my feelings for you, whatever the reason, those feelings are real.

I don't know where the problem is, and it has become the current situation after walking.I like a sentence very much, never communicate with each other and love you with the same strength and determination.

I won't bother you anymore, it might be the only thing I can do.

I'm sorry, but I can't give this story a perfect ending.I can't afford that kind of ending, and I don't dare to think about it.

She understands, I can't afford it.

I also understand that I can't afford it.

From now on, those thoughts will stay in my heart and stay in the night. I love you very much. This is the only thing I can be sure and certain about in the past 20 years.

As a result, whether it is right or wrong, I am grateful for that night many years ago, the heartbeat and breathing of that night, I will remember it firmly, just like I will use all my strength for the rest of my life to remember you.

I clearly know that from now on I will never love anyone like this again, with fanaticism, anxiety, pain and emotion.

There are some tragedies in the world that cannot be resolved and are dead knots.

If you are in trouble, I am here.

I can't do it to bless you, I can only bless you.

Su Zi, I love you. /summer

The author has something to say: I don't know how I will continue to live, nor what I should do in the future.I only know that some tragedies are destined to be unresolved, a knot.