Su Zi Yu Xia

Regarding that matter, I don't know Madam's mind, and I don't want to guess.Now we all choose to forget that incident by coincidence, but how can we pretend that something that happened did not happen at all?I don't know how much courage it takes to get to this situation.I don't want to think about what will happen in the future anymore. I don't want to think about whether there will be another thing or someone to let her let go of my hand again.

Speaking of which, this incident was not anyone's unilateral fault, and a slap can't be slapped.Although I accepted that person's belated arrival and lack of understanding, it does not mean that I have no grievances.I am not the kind of plaything that comes with a hook, nor is it a garbage that can be thrown away casually when it gets in the way.

I don't know how I spent that year, probably because I was happy to see the person I like treat you as a very special existence, but you are a person who can be discarded when it gets in the way.Day after day, I wanted to escape, but it was like falling into the boundless darkness, as if a pair of invisible hands passed through the barriers of the abyss and grabbed my throat.Wanting to escape, unable to break free, wanting to break the can, but from time to time clenching fists.It makes you feel miserable but you want to die, which makes me a ridiculous self.

I don't know how to describe the feeling at that time, it's like drowning in 1.5 meters of water and no one tells you where the water is 1.5 meters deep.Watching you fluttering, struggling, ups and downs in the water.Or it’s the air you want to breathe. I don’t know when the oxygen turns into carbon monoxide. If you don’t breathe it, you can’t do it, but if you breathe it, it is very poisonous.

You certainly don't know how many decisions I secretly made, how many decisions I made to give up on you.You won't know what I've struggled with, you won't know how sad it is, and you won't know the feeling of cruel deprivation after losing and recovering.You don't know anything, as I said, you don't know anything.Obviously that would be fine, obviously that would be fine if I were to die alone. Why did you pull me up, but when I was about to step on the ground, I forcibly added another fire. It can be regarded as dire straits .I don't know if you want to boil me alive.

I don't like to express my feelings. When I like someone, I put all the joy on my face.When I think of that person's eyes and brows, I will smile, and when I see interesting things, I will always think of you, and I can't hide that kind of liking.I never thought about hiding it at all. I don’t know if it’s because I’m slow or something. Anyway, since the moment I fell in love with you, I seem to have subconsciously forgotten my identity and gender, and I also forgot what I am like. a feeling.I never thought about whether it was reasonable or not, and never thought about whether you would mind.

I thought it was too selfish to come home, and I didn't want to make any more excuses.If you like it, you like it. The saddest thing is that this liking comes from an unknown teacher, which is unreasonable, and you don't even have the qualifications to be jealous.I don't really know what kind of person you are. What I see is what you are willing to show me.I once said never to speak harshly to each other, and you can say even more cruel things in the end.

Although I can distinguish true from false, I cannot judge true from false.Regardless of the circumstances under which you said those words and did those things, they are all things that already exist.No matter what your original intention is, what you say is what you say and what you do is what you do.Do you know what I am most looking forward to now?It's not that you suddenly appeared in front of me with a smile and said I'm here, take me home.It's not that you left everything you have now to fight for me.I just hope you, you will be forever, never reach out to me again, don't give me hope again, I don't dare to have the slightest expectation about you anymore.

You always say that I don't understand my feelings, I don't understand anything, I don't understand you and I don't understand your feelings, and you laugh at me that I can't even distinguish my own feelings.It's not that I don't understand, I just don't dare to peel off the cocoon, I'm afraid, I'm afraid that behind the seemingly beautiful is actually a mass of blood and filth.I'm afraid that behind the glamorous promises are all rotten and quick words.

It's not just you that I don't understand?I don't even come to understand myself, how dare I try to say anything to understand your stupid words.That's not tacit understanding, that's not tacit understanding, it's just a coincidence.It just so happens that you know the type I would like, and I just happen to see the look in your eyes.Where does the tacit understanding come from? After all, it's not all about one party's care for the other.I never know what I want, never know exactly what I want.But I have heard my inner thoughts clearly.On an unknown morning, when I woke up from the silence, I looked at the face in my eyes, and suddenly there was a voice from the bottom of my heart.It is clear and clear, "Hey, I found it, this person is what I want, this is what I want most. I want my future to be involved in this person, no, not simply involved, is The person who wants to live with this person is the person who wants to live forever.”

You don't know that every word you say is like the butterfly effect caused by a butterfly flapping its wings in Butterfly Valley. The gently flapping wings easily create a tsunami in my heart.An unintentional sentence is enough to make me toss and turn and sleepless for a few days, and a random wording and expression is enough to make me take care of a few turns and guesses.The distance between hearts seems to be close at hand, but in fact, it is indeed separated by mountains, seas of people, long winds and deep valleys.

All the feelings brought by you, some are familiar and some are strange, but it is undeniable that they are not common.To be honest, I’m also very curious about how I spent so much time trying to guess your thoughts and pay attention to your changes when I was in my third year of high school.I don't want to shirk responsibility for my own mistakes on you, and I will take my blame.But it's a pity, a pity.To be honest, I don't even know what I am regretting, it seems that there are too many things to regret.

No matter how you say it, it is already the case.You can cry, you can be angry, you can shirk, but in the end you have to carry them forward.Just like a festering wound, you either choose to let it fester, fester, and ooze pus, and then witness its rot, torturing you day after day.Or use a hot knife to dig the wound deeper, dig out all the rotten flesh, and then give it to time, it will heal but it will leave a scar.It still hurts every time it thunders and rains, but the pain at this time is really nothing compared to the pain of gouging out flesh and bones.

At this point, all you can choose is whether to move forward.Moving forward, the pain is nothing but harmless.Stopped, turned into barbs and turned into carrion.

☆, final chapter