love too early

I didn't tell Shen Nanyu about Fu Zhiheng's illness, I only said that we planned to settle abroad after marriage.

He listened to all this in silence, not angry or sad, but seemed confused, didn't know whether to ask me or himself, and murmured: "What's wrong with me...why are we together for so long? Not on your engagement..."

"He's in your heart." Shen Nanyu looked up at me, his eyes suddenly turned red, "Is he really more important than me?"

——I can't answer this question.

It seemed like I should say yes, but something stuck in my throat, preventing me from uttering the simple word.

"You didn't even ask me if I would like to go with you." His eyes became more and more red, like a small animal abandoned by its owner, he looked at me blankly and said, "You just want to throw me away."

"Why... I love you too..."

A huge tear rolled down from Shen Nanyu's eye socket, slid across his cheek, and landed on my skin.

I raised my hand to touch his face, wiped away the tears on his face, hugged him and said, "I don't want to lose you, I mean if."

But the comfort at this time could no longer make him believe my words, he held me tightly, shook his head and asked: "Did Fu Zhiheng say something to you, or did I do something wrong, you tell me, I can change it, Please don't want me..."

The more he spoke, the more incoherent he became, and his voice was filled with a fragile cry. I suddenly realized that he was even more insecure than I thought, so I patted him on the back and comforted him as calmly as possible and said, "I don't want you." , it's just that every relationship will end one day, even if it's He Zhiheng's marriage, I can't guarantee that it will last forever."

"No." Shen Nanyu interrupted me, "I want to be with you forever."

"Nanyu..." I sighed, "You are not a child anymore, be more rational."

"Am I not sensible enough..."

Shen Nanyu gritted his teeth tightly, not letting himself cry, and said with a choked voice, "I don't want anything, as long as I'm with you, it doesn't matter if I can't see the light, or you don't like me, is that okay? "

"You always put Fu Zhiheng first, and me, when can you look back at me..."

The more he spoke, the more sad he became, tears soon wet a small piece of clothing on my shoulders.

I felt guilty and had a headache, so I said helplessly, "I don't have to go."

Fu Zhiheng said that Shen Nanyu is the most special in my heart.

Shen Nanyu said that I will always put Fu Zhiheng first.

Maybe what they said is right, but neither should be a reason to exclude each other.

"Okay, you still have an exam tomorrow." I let go of Shen Nanyu and said, "Let's talk about everything after the exam, okay?"

His eye sockets were still wet, and he looked at me with suspicion and uneasiness, like a little rabbit.

I had no choice but to touch his face, comfort him and say, "I won't go, I promise you."

"Should I not leave today, or not in the future?" Shen Nanyu was too clever, and quickly found the point, looking at me directly and asking.

I was speechless for a while, and I didn't want to lie to him, so I sighed helplessly and said, "I'll talk about it later."

Shen Nanyu stopped talking, his eyes were lowered, and his lips were tightly pursed into a line.I thought maybe I shouldn't have told him so early, and if I did, it would have to wait until I had planned and decided everything.

After a long time, he raised his head again and said softly, "Tomorrow is my last exam."

"I know." I said.

"After the exam, I want to see you, is that okay?" After he asked, as if he was afraid that I would refuse, he added: "Please."

When facing me, Shen Nanyu was always so cautious that he was humbled and frightened.Unconsciously, I felt a twinge in my heart, and smiled at him as gently as possible and said, "Okay."

It snowed a little the next day and I went to see him without a car.

We made an appointment at the cafe where we first met, and when I arrived, Shen Nanyu was already waiting for me by the window.Today is not a weekend, and the weather is bad, the store is empty, only two waiters yawn behind the bar.

I took off my scarf and coat, and asked casually, "Why so early."

"I handed in the paper ahead of time." Shen Nanyu showed a faint smile, perhaps because he didn't sleep well yesterday, his complexion was not very good-looking, and he looked a little haggard.

I looked at the blue marks in his eyes and asked worriedly, "Are you okay?"

Shen Nanyu shook his head and said softly, "Do you still care about me, okay..."

I am not good at dealing with such questions, and I don't know how to answer them, so I fell into silence for a while.

This cafe is the same as when I first came, quiet and warm, with the aroma of milk froth and coffee wafting in the air.It's just that it was midsummer at that time, and now it's winter in the blink of an eye.The almanac on the wall has been replaced with a new one, and spring will come soon.

Shen Nanyu stared at the dry branches outside the window in a daze. I also didn't know what to say, so I had to take a small sip of the coffee cup.The sweet hot cocoa drove away the severe winter cold, and when I drank half a cup, Shen Nanyu looked away and said, "I thought about going back yesterday for a long time."

I paused, put down the glass, and asked, "What?"

"I think maybe I've been wrong all along." He looked at me with a bitter smile on his lips, "I thought that everything can be obtained through hard work, but love is different from other things. The greatest possible Yes, no matter how hard I try, you will never love me. Maybe you don't love Fu Zhiheng either, but he came early, so he won."

He narrated all this calmly, but I had a vague premonition that he didn't just want to tell me about his failure.

"Have you ever tried to treat a person as the whole of your life?" He looked at me and said, "Thinking that he will feel happy and satisfied, when I kissed him for the first time, I was so nervous that I recited the Civil Code in my heart."

He said with a soft laugh, "I also don't understand why I like you so much."

"Nanyu..." I opened my mouth, still like every time before, I didn't know how to respond to his strong love.

Shen Nanyu looked at me deeply, and after a long while, raised his hand very lightly to touch my cheek, and said, "Brother... I have made up my mind, as long as you say you love me, I will agree to leave you and never bother you and me again." Fu Zhiheng...do you love me?"

Love……

My silence answered for me.

Shen Nanyu lowered his head and smiled self-deprecatingly, and said, "You won't lie to me even once..."

I shook my head, "I don't want to lie to you."

"But I want to hear you lie to me," Shen Nanyu raised his head, his eyes flushed, as if every word he said would cause him pain, "Cheat me once before you leave, please."

"Do not……"

I want to say that such deception is meaningless, but for some reason, a double image suddenly appeared in front of my eyes, followed by nauseating dizziness, which confused my brain.

In a trance, I swayed, and unconsciously grasped the corner of the table, trying to blink hard to stay awake, but the more I did this, the heavier the eyelids became, and I couldn't open them.

I opened my mouth and found myself unable to make a sound.

At the end of the memory, a figure blocked the light in front of my eyes. He bent down and whispered softly in my ear:

"Brother, I'm sorry...I love you."