Xiu Erdai's daily essays

08368-Who is the plan for?

Mori Shinken: "After that, there was a gap between me and my peers, and I actually had a gap with older people. The only thing that didn't alienate me was my grades. Before my parents passed away, my grades were actually good. As far back as I can remember, in a family with a depressing atmosphere, my report card is rarely something that can make my mother smile, so I have been studying very hard, and my own IQ is also good, so I have been sitting firmly as a child of other people's family. ' position."

Mori Shinken: "After my parents passed away, the learning motivation from my family was gone for me, but being alienated by everyone, I began to feel that learning itself is worth getting close to. No matter what, the knowledge I learned will never leave me."

Yao Guangzui: "You are right. People are unreliable. Even if I like you so much now, I can't guarantee that I can love you forever. When I don't like you that much, if I still get along with you , I may do something that makes you uncomfortable."

Me: "Your posture of chasing a male god is really strange."

But Mori Shenren seems to like this tone, he agreed: "People's hearts are changeable."

Sen Shenren: "I don't know if Pei Lin told you, but when Si Qinxian was talking to me that day, he mentioned that he wanted to tell you about my mental illness. After that, I thought that I should tell you personally first. , but he has not been able to make up his mind, and in the end it was he who acted first."

Yao Guangzui: "Pei Lin told me about Si Qinxian being raised as a girl when he was a child."

Mori Shinken: "In most people's minds, this matter may also be regarded as black history, but Si Qinxian himself has crossed that psychological barrier. In fact, when he was still pretending to be a girl, he had already found fun in it , he didn't feel inferior or depressed because of this, he has always been a particularly free and easy person."

Yao Guangzui's vigilance was high: "Si Qinxian would not threaten you to tell me about his illness for no reason. If he was such an outspoken person, he would have been walking around the school with a loudspeaker. Yelling, but in fact he probably only told me after he notified you. His purpose is not to damage your reputation indiscriminately. Did he still have such a sentence when he notified you as long as you are willing How, how, I will keep it secret for you'? For example, want you to be his underground lover?"

Mori Shenren: "Stop watching the lower-limit literature pushed by the Boyanball website."

08369-Dangerous because of temptation

Yao Guangzui did a little introspection, but still felt that Si Qinxian had not been satisfied after making harsh demands on Sen Shenren, so he began to spread the secret of Sen Shenren.He also felt that the reason why Si Qinxian chose himself as the first person to notify was that he was tight-lipped, devoted to Sen Shenren, and would not spread the word again.So far, Si Qinxian should just want to send such a signal to Mori Shenren:

"If you are not obedient, I will really tell the public. Yao Guangzui can help you hide it after hearing it. What about the others? The next person I tell may spread the matter to the whole school. Are you really Are you not going to follow me? Are you really willing to lose your reputation rather than be my lover? "

Mori Shenren: "Si Qinxian sometimes goes a little too far when joking, but he has a bottom line when it comes to real big things. He won't really talk about something that will have a subversive impact on my life. .”

Yao Guangzui was sour: "So trusting... But haven't you guys seen each other since you graduated from Si Qinxian Elementary School?"

Sen Shenren: "I saw it in a business magazine. Although I didn't connect Si Qinxian with the name Si Qingxian he used when he pretended to be a girl, I have studied Si Qinxian's style, and he is rare in the circle. The second generation who is thoughtful and tactful, and can understand other people's difficulties, he will not offend people easily."

Mori Shenren: "I will not use threats to force people to be his lover. He and his lover are in a relationship where you love me and I would like to get together and break up."

Yao Guangzui became even more sour: "Oh, I have studied it carefully..."

Sen Shenren: "He told you purely based on his bottom line, because you have real feelings for me, Si Qinxian is afraid that you will be ruined by me for the rest of your life, just like my mother was ruined by my father for the rest of your life."

Yao Guangzui was no longer sour, because he realized that if today's conversation is not handled properly, he and Mori Shenren may not have any intersection in the future.

Yao Guangzui pondered over his words: "I don't understand, why would I be ruined for the rest of my life if I fell in love with you? I think I'm relatively restrained in my pursuit. As long as you refuse, I will definitely not pester you. After graduation, as long as you don't agree When I enter your company, the intersection between us will naturally fade away, and then this unrequited love in the student days will end. I have never been obsessed with getting your response."

Mori Shenren: "Because I'm tempted too."

Yao Guangzui: "..."

Mori Shinken: "If it wasn't for this illness, I would have responded to your feelings a long time ago."

Yao Guangzui didn't feel happy, because Mori Shenren's expression was very sad.

08370-The more difficult thing is to live well

Mori Shinken: "The beginning of my parents' relationship was also when my mother fell in love with my dad, and then pursued frankly and passionately. My dad fell into that passion. The two of them got married half a year after they met, and then they were sweet for more than a year. married life, until one day my mother found out that there seemed to be nothing in her life except my father and their small family."

Mori Shenren: "Relatives, friends, classmates, colleagues, neighbors, it seems that her husband is separated from everyone in her communication. All her external communications are monitored by her husband. She has no one to whisper. Channels. As long as her husband does not agree and is not by his side, she cannot speak out. After nearly two years of living together, her husband has completely controlled her."

Mori Shinken: "At first my mother thought she was thinking too much, she told my father about this horrifying discovery in a joking tone, and then attributed this phenomenon to the fact that she was too attached to my father every day, reluctant to part for a moment, and wanted to be Siamese twins, that's why they seem to have lost their private life, but my dad looked at her with a very complicated look and said to her, "You don't think much, this is what I deliberately made, you must belong to me completely" .”

Mori Shinken: "When my mother told me about this, she said, 'My life started from that moment, and I was completely nailed into the abyss. It would be great if I didn't realize that I was in the abyss, if I could always How good it would be to understand his desire to control as caring for me'."

Sen Shenren: "At first, my father didn't want a child, because the child would inevitably take away part of my mother's attention. But after my mother had obvious fear of him, he decided to use the child to divert the fear, so I was born. My birth did make my mother have new expectations for a while, but when she realized that I was just another tool my dad used to control her, in fact, my dad had no father-son relationship with me. It broke down, and sometimes she even looked at me like she was looking at my dad, facing an inescapable fear."

Mori Shenren: "So I went to elementary school ahead of schedule. My dad specially found me a school where I could live on campus, and arranged cram schools for me on weekends. We only meet at dinner one or two days a week. My emotions have eased a lot, and I can still smile at my report card, and tell me about her pursuit of my dad when she was young, saying that she really loves my dad, and has always loved it, even if she is afraid. like."

Mori Shinken: "My dad has very little communication with me. To him, I am just an appendage of my mother. He will only notice me when he needs to use me to regulate my mother's emotions. The one before their death On Sunday night, when he sent me back to school, he suddenly said to me, "I love her very much, but this is her greatest misfortune. I would die for her, but I don't have the ability to live with her. You... just do it yourself." sorry.'"

08371-A lifetime is long

Sen Shenren: "I was a little uneasy when I heard that strange words. Two days later, I learned the news of their deaths. After knowing that they were dead, when people around me were still worried about whether there was a murderer lurking nearby, My first reaction was that they killed each other. The result of the investigation was a little bit unexpected, my dad actually died of suicide, maybe my mother relented at the last moment."

Sen Shenren: "Later, I carefully recalled the relationship between the two of them. I felt that my father really loved my mother, but his love was accompanied by a strong desire to control. As long as my mother was a little out of his control, he would Strong uneasiness. It’s not that he doesn’t know that this is not okay, but he can’t restrain himself. There are his diagnosis, advice, medicine, etc. for psychiatric treatment at home, and there are three divorce agreements at different times that only he signed and my mother did not. And my mother's spiritual treatment related items later in time... He tried his best, but he still dragged my mother into tragedy."

Mori Shenren: "I already have the desire to control you. When Pei Lin and Si Qinxian appeared in your life without my knowledge, I had the desire to imprison you and prevent you from being in your life without my knowledge." The idea of ​​contacting more people in a place. It’s not the kind of joking imprisonment in the pornographic novel, but the kind that will kill your independent consciousness.”

Yao Guangzui listened quietly, not knowing what to say.It is impossible for him to say "I am willing to be imprisoned and controlled by you for a lifetime" hastily.A lifetime is very long, even if Yao Guangzui said it sincerely now, even if he will not regret it in the next few years, but what about 20 years later? What about 50 years from now?No matter at what point he starts to regret, both of them are bound to repeat the tragedy of Mori Shinbaba's parents.Yao Guangzui can't promise that the relationship will remain the same for a lifetime, and he also admits that being controlled by someone who doesn't love him so much feels so bad that he wants to kill him.

Yao Guangzui: "So, senior, do you like me? Like me like I like you?"

Mori Shinken: "Yes. I don't know if it's the level of love, but it must be very, very fond. The kind of love that wants to live with you for a lifetime-if it doesn't develop into a murder case."

Yao Guangzui: "Then, if you have always liked me, and I have always liked you, but we have not officially become lovers, let alone married, what will happen after such a long time? Will there still be a sense of control and suffocation?"

Mori Shinken: "I don't know. At this stage, as long as I think that I don't have a formal relationship with you, and think 'you don't belong to me', my desire to control can cool down. But I don't know that this kind of relationship depends on 'no How long can the forced cooldown of "name" last, maybe one day my thoughts about you "not my boyfriend" and "not my property" will change to "binding you as my prisoner will solve the issue of name", and then Or do things that hurt you."