Autobiography of a paranoid patient

(110 seven)

I keep feeling like someone is calling my name.

Do you believe that you can meet people you know after you die?I do not believe.

This kind of story doesn't work for me.

But amazingly, the voice became clearer and clearer.

Hell is also white.

I thought then.

This feeling is very similar to dreaming, you don't feel like you are walking around, you see yourself in a bright room from a third-person perspective, and it seems that there are daylight lights all around you.

I saw Feng Yue sitting in the middle of the room. I found that chair in a vintage store before. Because it was very similar to the shabby atmosphere at home, I brought it back at a very cheap price.

He hung his head, his shoulders slumped.

So I ran over, knelt down beside his lap, and slowly and tentatively put my hands on his knees.

That's how I can see his expression.

I timidly withdrew my hand.

(110 eight)

I don't know how long we've been stuck like this.

Perhaps time is meaningless in this space-time.

Having figured this out, I put my hands on the ground and slowly stood up.

After getting up gradually, I realized that my legs were no longer numb, and for a moment I admitted that I felt a little regretful and sad.

I lowered my body beside Feng Yue, took his arm away, and straddled him.

It's normal that Feng Yue didn't raise his arms to hug me, he should hate me, I didn't expect that even the last dream was so real.

"Why did you sit up?" Feng Yue asked me.

His voice was so hoarse that I could hardly hear it.

"I want you to hug me." I said.

Feng Yue is actually not Feng Yue anymore, only I am me, so I took his hand and put it on my lower back without any fear.

"Hold me like this," I said.

I never told him I liked it best when he hugged me.

Not kissing me, not coming in, but hugging me, filling his arms with me.

I feel more truly loved then, and we complement each other.

It's like the cotton candy that many people would like to eat when they were young, it's soft and warm.

I haven't eaten it, but that's what I imagine eating marshmallows would be like, a hug.

"Do you love me?" I heard Feng Yue ask me.

"Of course," I finished, thinking that he might not believe it was so simple, "I love you."

It's the most sincere thing I can say, even though it's really simple.

I don't know what's wrong with people nowadays, too many people think that liking and love can be said freely, so it looks cheap.

But I think Feng Yue understands.The love we speak out is precious.

For me at least, love is something more precious than life.

"But I don't think you love me." I heard Feng Yue say.

When he spoke, his chest rose and fell slightly, and I lay on his shoulder, feeling that slight change with my hand.

"You left me alone, do you love me?"

I frowned.

(110 nine)

I think the logic of this sentence is flawed.

Love does not mean possession.

Especially for me.

I refuted Feng Yue, I said you can't misunderstand me like this, I said I love you very much.

If it was before, I would not dare to say that, but it is different now.

For this I gave an example, I said that after jumping into the river, I still struggled to stay close to the water.

It was pitch black in the river, I grabbed Feng Yue's clothes and told him that I was a little scared at that time.

I am not afraid of death, just as I am not afraid of pain, because once death was fundamentally a relief to me.

"But at that moment, I was a little scared. I think I haven't made up my mind yet. Yunan asked if I could live to see myself by jumping off. If I was still alive...can you not leave?"

I think of the feeling of being wrapped in the river.

Even though it was the hottest weather, I still felt cold while sinking in it.

I couldn't open my eyes, I just wanted to go up and up.

There's no light on the water, I don't even know where the end is, and I don't have an end yet.

"If you come back to me, I won't leave." Feng Yue said.

I dare not ask him again if he is serious.

If he said yes, I might not want to go to Naihe Bridge to drink that bowl of Mengpo soup.

I regret every day I wander in another world, and I will always blame myself for the choices I made back then.

If he says no.

I thought about it.

I still want to see him.

To meet a Feng Yue who would blame me for having thoughts of dying in the past.

It's fine if he ignores me, I still want to see him.

"Then open your eyes." Feng Yue raised his hand to stroke my temples, "Go to the river. He's still waiting for you."

(120)

I listened to him.

I was in a trance for a few seconds, thinking that I hadn't left that world yet.

The surroundings are still as bright as day, but there is one more window.

The green outside the window is a tall and lush tree.

Bright began to have color, it was a touch of faint yellow.

Most of the light yellow was covered by a person's back.

That was Feng Yue.

I hooked the corners of my lips.

pain.

It's weird, I'm in pain.

I tried to go over and hug him, but found I could barely move.

My whole body is limp, as if no part belongs to me.

very strange.

Why can I hug him before opening my eyes, but now I can only look at his back from a distance.

I tried to lift my fingers, traced the outline of his figure with a very small range.

I watched him with tears in my eyes, and saw him turn around in a blur of vision.

Dazed for a moment, he ran over and hugged me.

Very real, warm embrace.

I felt him trembling in my arms, slowly grasping his clothes, and gradually tightening my fingers with strength.

"Why did you come back?" Feng Yue whispered so softly that his lips pressed against my ear.

"I miss you," he said, "I miss you so much."