paranoid dependence

Going down from the first floor to the second floor, very quickly, so fast that before Shen Nian had time to ask another question, the elevator door opened before his eyes. Gu Zhi looked at Shen Nian, and waited until the elevator door was about to close automatically before lifting. He pressed the door open button again, and then slowly pulled Shen Nian out who hadn't reacted to the news.

Shen Nian was like a robot, being led away by Gu Zhi like a marionette. After turning a few corners in the seemingly endless corridor, the three words 'mortuary' appeared on Shen Nian's face. In front of my eyes.

Shen Nian stared at the three characters on the light, and almost didn't recognize the unfamiliar ones.

A living person, how...how did he turn into a cold corpse?

Wasn't it fine when we parted?Didn't he say he would come back before his college entrance examination?He forgot to tell Shen Chongshan that he was actually looking forward to his return, but he didn't come back, and he would never come back again.

When there was still some distance from the morgue, Gu Zhi stopped, turned around and asked him in a low voice:

"He's inside, do you want to go in and have a look?"

I have to see, I didn't see him for the last time when I was alive, but now that he is lying here, I always have to see, at least let him know... I am here.

But if he came by himself, would Shen Chongshan know about it?Or is it more comforting to Shen Nian himself?He's here, he's still here, it's just a little later.

Shen Nian didn't know what he was thinking, but he didn't dare to go in.

Shen Nian looked at that door for a long time without making a decision, as if as long as he didn't go through, there was room for some things to change.Gu Zhi stood beside him and waited quietly. After so long that he no longer cared about the time, Shen Nian finally nodded and said 'yes' in a voice that was too soft to be heard.

Gu Zhi heard it, squeezed his hand, and walked towards the mortuary. After the staff saw his certificate and documents, they led them into a place similar to a hall, and then left. A stretcher was rolled out.

Shen Nian looked over and saw the person lying on the stretcher, covered from head to toe with a white cloth, without any ups and downs of breathing.

This is Shen Chongshan, Shen Nian told himself so.

But another voice also said, this is not Shen Chongshan, Shen Chongshan should not be lying here.

The stretcher cart stopped in front of them. Shen Nian didn't hear what the administrator and Gu Zhi ordered. He stood on the side of the stretcher cart and kept looking at the covered person, but he never opened it to take a look. , obviously already grasping the white cloth with both hands, but still dare not.

He clearly realized that he was afraid of seeing Shen Chongshan's face.

Gu Zhi didn't urge him, but stood aside quietly waiting, he saw Shen Nian's hand shaking, when he reached out to grab it, Shen Nian let go of the white cloth to avoid his touch, asked he:

"When did this happen?"

Gu Zhi looked at Shen Nian, seeing every change in his expression: "Yesterday morning."

"Morning...yesterday morning..." Shen Nian repeated it in a murmur, but was speechless.

Even Gu Zhi didn't know what he was thinking at this moment, but he was too afraid of Shen Nian's silence at this moment, so even if Shen Nian didn't ask, he was willing to take the initiative to say something:

"When I arrived at the hospital, Uncle Shen had only his last breath left. The operation was meaningless. Uncle Shen persisted all night and woke up for a while in the morning. He seemed to be in good spirits, but he fell into a coma not long after. and never came back."

Gu Zhi still grabbed Shen Nian's hand, he dodged subconsciously, but he didn't dodge, Gu Zhi didn't care about his running away, he just wanted to warm him up, but it was too cold, he couldn't warm him no matter what.

"So..." Shen Nian didn't make a sound for a moment, Gu Zhi approached him nervously, but Shen Nian stopped talking, and found his own voice after a few seconds: "So, if I came the day before yesterday, I would I can see him for the last time."

Shen Nian's gaze finally fell on Gu Zhi's face, and even smiled at him, but that smile was desolate no matter how you looked at it.

"Is that right?" Shen Nian asked.

"Nian Nian..." Gu Zhi rubbed the back of his hands to try to calm him down: "Even if you miss the college entrance examination, the ending will be the same, it cannot be changed."

Who doesn't know the truth and who doesn't understand?But what about the regrets of following reason and reason?Shen Nian suddenly didn't know what was the point of staying at home to finish the exam after working hard for a year, just to stand here and look at a cold corpse?

He felt short of breath and felt pain.

But he didn't know where the pain was, and it seemed that his whole body was hurting.

"Did he wake up and say something?" Shen Nian asked Gu Zhi, suppressing the illusory yet real pain.

Gu Zhi's eyes turned red, and he shook his head with difficulty: "No, the amount of bleeding is oppressing the nerves, and I can't speak clearly when I wake up, and no one can hear clearly what I said."

Shen Nian didn't ask any more, maybe...he didn't dare to ask any more.

After a long time, he broke away from the hand that Gu Zhi was holding. He couldn't stand the trembling. He clenched his fist and tried to control it, but when he opened it again, it still had the same arc. He didn't care anymore, just So trembling, he grabbed a corner of the white cloth.

He still didn't have the courage, but finally opened it.

Under the white cloth, Shen Chongshan fell asleep, except that he was not breathing, and his face was abnormally white, he was still the same as he remembered.

Shen Nian never seemed to have looked at him seriously for such a long time, only now did he notice that his sideburns had gray hair at some point, and wrinkles appeared at the corners of his eyes, he was much older than he remembered, But Shen Nian didn't seem to notice it.

"Dad..." Shen Nian called softly, holding his cold and stiff hand: "Why didn't you...don't wait for me?"

If Shen Chongshan was still alive, how would he respond to Shen Nian's words?Shen Nian could think of it even with his eyes closed, he would definitely smile and say to himself without confidence: "Dad thought he could hold on, but he fell asleep unexpectedly, Xiao Nian, don't be angry with Dad."

Shen Nian wished that he could talk to him like this again, even just one sentence, even one word.

But he will never again, never look at himself again, and talk to himself again.

Shen Nian held Shen Chongshan's hand for a long time, trying to warm him up, but in the end it was all in vain.

He seemed to be very disappointed in himself. He raised his son for 17 years, but he valued the college entrance examination more than his life, so he used this method to punish Shen Nian, making him hurt, hurting him.

When the administrator came to remind him, Gu Zhi, who had been quietly accompanying Shen Nian, reminded him softly: "Nian Nian, let's go back."

Shen Nian didn't seem to hear it until Gu Zhi grabbed his hand and pulled it away from Shen Chongshan's hand little by little. Gu Zhi gently covered Shen Chongshan with the white cloth again, watching the administrator put the stretcher on the stretcher. When the car was pushed away, he wanted to pull Shen Nian away, but Shen Nian's gaze followed the car, and he blinked slowly until he could no longer see it.

After walking out of the morgue, he ran into Uncle Chen who just came over. He seemed to come to see Shen Chongshan too. I don't know if it was because he was too tired these days, or the pain of losing a friend made him feel uncomfortable. I was much older when I saw him.

Seeing Shen Nian's distraught look, and thinking of Shen Chongshan's last confession to himself, Uncle Chen's original blame and complaint turned into comfort, he sniffed and said:

"Look out, your dad also hopes that you can do well in the exam. He held my hand with his last breath before he passed out. He told me not to call you, and threatened that if I said I would be a ghost He will let me go, and he doesn't count what he says, and he hasn't come to me until now."

Shen Nian lowered his head and didn't speak, but Gu Zhi didn't see his trembling lips and tears, his heart ached, but he didn't know what to say at this time.

"I don't blame you." Uncle Chen said, "He doesn't want to see you himself."

Shen Nian should say something, Uncle Chen has been taking care of him in the hospital for the past few days that they didn't know, but when he opened his mouth, he suddenly couldn't make any sound. Gu Zhi was the first to notice the abnormality, thinking He opened his mouth to say something, but Shen Nian grabbed his wrist tightly.

Uncle Chen didn't notice any abnormality, he was silent for a while, took out a bank card from his pocket and handed it to Shen Nian:

"You take this card well, it's the only thing your dad can leave you."

Shen Nian stared at the card with red eyes, but didn't answer it. Uncle Chen grabbed his hand silently for a few seconds, and stuffed it into his palm:

"In the car accident where your father hit someone two years ago, he actually fainted once in the hospital. It was found that there was something growing in his brain, and the location was not very good. Because the risk of surgery was too high, he decided not to do it. The doctor said he He can fall down at any time. For more than two years, he has been desperately racing his sports car without even returning home. He just wants to save more money for you two brothers. He is afraid that one day he will suddenly leave and you will not be able to afford it when you go to college. For the money, I’m afraid that you will suffer too much without him, I spent some money from it in the hospital these days, and there are more than 14 in it, and the password is 760606.”

Uncle Chen's words made Shen Nian and Gu Zhi look up at him in shock at the same time. Uncle Chen's eyes were also red, and he raised his hand to wipe the tears from the corners of his eyes:

"Old Shen is not a good father. He has a mouth but he can't say it and he doesn't want to say it. He is used to hiding everything in his heart. If you don't kiss him, you are more responsible. Don't feel uncomfortable. It's all his own. I found it."

Uncle Chen turned around to leave after saying this angrily, but he stopped after taking two steps, and turned to look at them after his emotions calmed down a little:

"But I still think Old Shen is a good man, no matter what he is! Some things...he tried his best."

"I'm in the hotel next door. I sent all the goods in the car away. When you want to take Old Shen home, call me and I'll drive him home."

After Uncle Chen said this, he left without looking back. The light and weightless bank card in Shen Nian's hand was pressed against his chest like a mountain, making him breathless in pain. Almost unable to support his own weight, he staggered and leaned against the wall next to him with Gu Zhi's support.

"Nian Nian..." Gu Zhi called him with worried red eyes, but Shen Nian didn't seem to hear him at all.

He stared at an unknown place, and slowly closed his eyes after a few seconds. Tears finally flowed down from the corners of his eyes. Sliding down on the ground, he curled up himself.

It hurts so much, he never knew it could hurt like this.

He didn't understand, didn't he understand that he had no expectations for this person?Didn't you already understand the truth that people are always alone in the end?Aren't you used to the people around you leaving one by one?Why does it hurt so much?Why do you regret, regret, and suffer?

It hurts like hell.

Why didn't he tell himself when he was sick, why didn't he wait for himself, why didn't he insist a little longer... why didn't he come to see him for a bad exam?

Didn't he know that if he didn't come, he might never see Shen Chongshan again?he knows.

Gu Zhi stopped him, so there was really no way for him to come?some.

He knew that as long as he persisted and frightened Gu Zhi with the words of leaving, Gu Zhi would be obedient.

But did he do it?No.

Because at that time, he was still vacillating between the college entrance examination and Shen Chongshan, and he was unwilling to give up the hard work he had put in for a year, so the moment Gu Zhi said to go for him, he wavered and felt that it was all right. He accepted Gu Zhi's words with a fluke mentality, and felt that there was still time to finish the exam and everything.

So now he deserves the result, he deserves the pain, he deserves to die.

It is not a lie that I said that I want him to stop racing cars one day and enjoy life at home with peace of mind. I also said that he will always be a father and will take care of him for the rest of his life. This is not a lie either.

But he didn't do anything, he didn't even do his filial piety on his bed when he was sick, and he didn't even look at it.

In the past 17 years, he has had to live with Shen Chongshan countless times. Sometimes Shen Chongshan agreed, and sometimes he didn't, but he gave himself a worry-free life. There is no need for Shen Nian to think about anything, when he fell down, he was still thinking about Shen Nian's college entrance examination.

I really suck, I'm really a jerk, when Shen Chongshan didn't see himself appear until his death, did he regret leaving himself in the first place?If he knew that the child he had raised for many years was a white-eyed wolf, would he still make the original choice?

I am a complete burden, a drag, and I don't know how to be grateful.

Without him, he could obviously live a better, happier and more comfortable life.

You don't have to die for yourself, you don't have to save this money, and you don't have to let yourself hate him.

He should have had a comfortable life even if he wasn't unrestrained, but because he had shackles, and he even blamed him for not caring about loving himself for such a long time.But looking back, did I really care about him?

Shen Chongshan was thinking about them until his death.

But he felt that his life was nothing compared to an exam.

Shen Chongshan never owed him anything, and he owed Shen Chongshan from the beginning to the end.

Regret, regret, annoyance, and guilt all turned into a mountain at this moment, crushing Shen Nian completely with this flimsy card.

Shen Nian howled in pain, but he couldn't even make a sound, he couldn't breathe, he was almost suffocating.

He fell down, curled up on the icy ground in the corridor of the second basement, holding the bank card so painful that his whole body was shaking.

Gu Zhi hugged him, kept rubbing him, trying to keep him warm, but to no avail, Shen Nian was not appeased, not at all, Shen Nian was immersed in his own world, self-blame entangled like a vine He, no matter how much Gu Zhi tried to tear him, he still couldn't move him.

It's as if...it will haunt him for the rest of his life.