32 days

Yue Ximing finally fell asleep after being exhausted. Yi Alan didn't go back to the office that night, but slept on the sofa in the living room outside, although he didn't fall asleep.

Grandma is getting old and sleeps lightly. Hearing the sound of Yi Alan turning over, she took another quilt and came out to cover Yi Alan for fear that he would be cold.

Yi Alan wanted to say no, the room is very warm, but she still didn't say it out loud, grabbed the quilt and pressed herself tightly.Then I broke out in a little hot sweat, but couldn't help shivering.When it was close to the early hours of the morning, after a few times of shallow sleep, nightmares came up one after another.

Grandma cooked purple potato porridge for breakfast, and the three of them sat at the dining table to eat in silence.

Although Yue Ximing looked haggard, after a night's rest, his emotions had calmed down, and he began to think about some issues more calmly and rationally.

She watched Yi Alan finish a bowl of porridge before saying: "Alan, I have thought about it for a long time, and I think you are too dangerous now."

"It's okay, Mom." Yi Alan said, "The place where I stay is safe."

"Can't you quit? Everyone is targeting Ye Zhou."

Yi Alan chewed a small piece of purple sweet potato in her mouth, and said after a few seconds: "Captain Zheng said that they have paid close attention to all my social networks through this incident, and this kind of thing will never happen again. "

"Then those bad guys will find other ways."

"If there is a better way, there is no need to go to Ye Zhou, right?" Yi Alan asked back, "Mom, believe me, I will take good care of the affairs team, and accepting their protection is the safest thing. And, " Yi Alan paused for a moment, "I have the responsibility to continue to do it. The impact on the 32nd is very large, and what I have learned can just play a little role. If I ignore it now for personal safety, I will wait until the future. In times of crisis, how can ordinary citizens like us protect ourselves?"

Yue Ximing looked at him: "Is this what you really think?"

"Yes." Yi Alan pretended to smile relaxedly, "Isn't it good that your son is so enlightened?"

"Of course it's good. I've seen you growing up, and I know you're an upright and brave boy." Yue Ximing said, "But I want you to know that you are my only child. I love you. If you have One... three long and two short, I will not be able to bear it."

"Mom, I love you too." Yi Alan leaned up and kissed Yue Ximing on the cheek, "Because I love you, I hope that if one day I let you down, you don't feel too sad for me. It will be even sadder. I want to see you happy, just like you want me to be happy."

"Are you letting me down?"

"I don't want to let you down." Yi Alan lowered her head, "I will try my best not to let you down, but no one can say what will happen in the future, and I'm just an ordinary person, so I hope When I think of my mother on the day when I am powerless, it will not make me more desperate."

Yue Ximing's eyes were red in a daze.

Yi Alan regretted it, he shouldn't have said that.But he felt a restless emotion rushing around in his body, and he couldn't control it.

"Okay, I get it." Yue Ximing finally said, "You are my son, and a mother only wants you to have a good time."

At noon, Yi Alan was going back to the office.

Zheng Duo repeatedly assured Yue Ximing and grandma that he had arranged for professional security personnel to hide nearby and would provide the strictest protection without disturbing their lives.

Yue Ximing glanced behind him a few times: "Isn't that tall and handsome guy named Zhou Yanan here?"

Zheng Duo said with a smile: "Xiao Zhou has his own mission recently. But don't worry, auntie, Xiao Zhou and A Lan are roommates. He was the most powerful one in our special team back then, and he will take good care of A Lan."

"Roommate?"

Yi Alan's eyelids twitched suddenly. He told his mother that the affairs team had arranged for him a single room.He can also explain, for example, the team assessed that he might be in danger now, so they transferred Zhou Yanan to live with him, multiple guarantees.But Yi Alan didn't say anything in the end, he almost accepted everything that was imposed on him with a kind of masochistic tolerance.

Back to the house where he lived with Zhou Yanan, there was no one there, Yi Alan felt tired and fell asleep.

It was already dark when I woke up—it was already dark early, but what I saw when I opened my eyes was a deep darkness, which made Yi Alan feel that he slept until the end of mankind.

He sat up, but he didn't really want to get out of bed and walk around. He was a little hungry and thirsty, but he didn't want to expend effort to relieve these simple and satisfying desires.So he hugged his knees and put himself into the darkness to completely empty out.

Zhou Yanan turned on the light.

When Yi Alan looked up, he was dazzled by the strong light and phantoms appeared in front of his eyes, as if the time he slept in overlapped and came back at the same time.

"I came back with Deputy Team Leader Yan..."

Yi Alan raised her hand to prevent Zhou Yan'an from continuing.He didn't want to know what happened there, he didn't want to know any information about Ye Zhou, the death scene or his height, fat or thin, and if possible, he didn't even want to know his name.Otherwise, there will be one more specific image in the nightmare.

Zhou Yanan understood, came over and sat down beside his bed: "Are you okay?"

Yi Alan nodded.

After a while, he shook his head again.

"Am I indifferent?" Yi Alan asked, "Someone died because of me, but I don't want to know him at all."

"This is a tragedy," Zhou Yanan said. "The only person who is indifferent is the one who ordered the shooting."

Yi Alan smiled weakly: "Thank you for comforting me."

Zhou Yan'an returned a smile, stopped talking, and accompanied Yi Alan in a silent manner.He just felt that perhaps Yi Alan needed enough blank space to slowly spread out the backlog of emotions in his heart.

After a long silence, Yi Alan said in a raving voice: "In my memory, my mother has always been very elegant and gentle. The last time I lost control like this was when I was in high school."

First or second year of high school, it's spring, and Yi Alan is going to go to Cherry Blossom Avenue with her mother to enjoy the flowers.Going downstairs, Yue Ximing found that she had forgotten to bring the silk scarf - she has always paid attention to appearance and decent appearance, which has become a habit, so she asked Yi Alan to wait at the same place, and she went upstairs to go home to get it.

Unfortunately, a thirteen-year-old gangster came out of the building. He didn't know where he heard that Yi Alan's father was gay. It was like a wild beast that must be in heat in spring. Seeing Yi Alan alone there, Unexpectedly, she was outspoken and flirted with Yi Alan as a girl. "You like men's things as much as your father, right? Do you want to try my brother's?" Obscenities like that.

Yi Alan's description is very restrained.But Zhou Yan'an understood that the insult he suffered at that time must be very unbearable.Looking at Yi Alan's current face, one can imagine him just in high school. He is at the peak of his growth when his stature has grown suddenly but his weight has not kept up. He is slender, tall and thin, with fair skin and facial features. Delicate and bright, maybe a bit like a beautiful girl.A man dominated by his lower body has no bottom line, and he vents his desires on Yi Alan in dirty and vulgar words.

At that time, Yi Alan was not as well-behaved as he looked, he buckled up a loose floor tile, and smashed the little bastard until his head was bleeding.

The little bastard became furious because of this, and fought back with his hands, and his words became even more obscene.If it were in another place, even if Yi Alan broke a few ribs, he would have to send that little bastard to the intensive care unit.But Yue Ximing came out, the little gangster insulted Yi Alan's vulgar words about same-sex sex pricked her most sensitive nerves, she screamed and scuffled with the little gangster almost immediately, dyed the well-matched light green silk scarf The blood fell on the grass and was trampled by the crowd of onlookers.The hair is disheveled and the makeup is blurry.That look is just like the "shrew" that the little gangster said.

Yi Alan was almost frightened by her mother's madness.

They couldn't see the cherry blossoms that day, and they didn't go again until the short flowering period of the cherry blossoms passed. Instead, they quickly changed their place of residence, which was far away from the avenue full of cherry blossoms.Yue Ximing didn't mention that day again, but Yi Alan knew what his mother cared about most, far more than he thought, so he carefully and tried his best to avoid her mother's minefield.However, there is nothing I can do.

Yi Alan murmured: "I always knew what my mother was afraid of, but I still became what she least wanted to see."

Zhou Yanan said, "It's not something you can choose."

Yi Alan hugged her head and sobbed: "I even hinted to her that I failed to do what she wished after she experienced such fright and psychological torture. What the hell am I doing? For my own selfishness, I don't care about her suffering for so many years. Am I going to make her accept that her son is as disgusting as the culprit?"

"You are not like your father, your mother will understand you."

"She will understand..." Yi Alan cried tremblingly, "She will understand because she loves me. I am kidnapping her as a mother, to love my son unconditionally. I am asking her selfishly, regardless of her heart No matter how repulsed, how painful, how much tortured, you have to accept me, and in the days to come, you will always pretend to bless me, but I decided to turn a blind eye to her real pain."

Zhou Yan'an said: "I think when she decided to bring you into this world, she already understood that she is responsible for the life she wants to give birth to. This responsibility includes giving love and patience, and also accepting that this life will suffer after doing its best. Still not perfect."

"She loves me, has always been patient with me, and will eventually accept everything about me." Yi Alan shook her head, "She is a very good mother, but because of this, I can't take it for granted to enjoy the things she brings. good."

It seems like an unsolvable Möbius ring, which is obviously bonded by mutual love, but no matter what, it can't get out of the painful roundabout.

Yi Alan was about to collapse, covering her face in despair: "I hate him, I hate that person." Yi Alan never called that person's name, let alone admitting that he was her father, that was all the pain source.

"How can he be so selfish? He obviously has ten thousand ways to make things not so bad. Even if he only found out that he was gay after he got married and gave birth to me, if he had an open and honest talk with his mother, my mother would still be able to What about him? Mom is such a good person, she won't get entangled with him, divorced peacefully, took me away, treated him as dead, and let him pursue his own happiness. At least that kind of life is very peaceful.

"But he is timid, cowardly, and selfish to the extreme. No reason can explain the evil he did. Does he still love his mother? How can he love a woman and a man at the same time? He loves me Is he unwilling to abandon his family because he loves me? He thinks he can turn back? But if he can see how painful I am now, will he regret it a little bit?"

"Or does it mean that he only has the primitive desire to reproduce in his head? Must he keep his genes? But will he be really happy to leave a child who hates him forever and curses him all the time?" Yi Alan was emotional He got up, covered his face with his hands, and tugged at the collar of his clothes vaguely and tremblingly. He was about to suffocate, as if the soft fabric had already strangled him. "When I think about his genes, I fall in love with Man, I feel disgusted, I can't wait to return all the blood in my body to him."

The hand he was tearing at his clothes suddenly grabbed the carotid artery forcefully, leaving behind three shocking bloodstains in an instant.

"Yi Alan!" Zhou Yanan was startled, and hurried forward to grab Yi Alan's wrist.

Yi Alan's fingernails are not long. He typed codes every day. If the nails are a little longer, typing on the keyboard is quite uncomfortable, so he always tries to keep his nails clean and clean. Zhou Yan'an can often see Yi Alan after taking a shower Squat down in front of the trash can and cut your nails.Maybe it's because I'm busy these days and I don't have time to pay attention to my nails. They grow a little longer than usual, but they are no more than three or four millimeters.Such short nails actually cut three clear bloody wounds from the left jaw to the right collarbone, which is enough to see that Yi Alan's disgust for her body has reached its peak at that moment.

Zhou Yan'an controlled Yi Alan's trembling hands and sat beside him to prevent him from further self-harm.

Yi Alan seemed to feel that he was too extreme and impulsive, but he couldn't control himself, looked at Zhou Yan'an with tears in his eyes, and said cold words without thinking: "I'm so happy that he died, he deserved it. No, no, he should have died earlier, preferably at an age when I don't remember anything, and don't leave any impression on my memory. Or, or, later, when I understand more At this time, I will watch him die with cold eyes, and it is best to drive him to death right now!"

Yi Alan was stunned when he realized that he had said some outrageous words, but he finally fulfilled the urge to kill his father verbally.The out-of-control emotions like raging flames finally subsided, and he retreated to the bed sadly, weeping silently.

Zhou Yan'an didn't say anything about it, and made sure that Yi Alan would not hurt herself again, so she went to the living room to get a medical bag, moved a small stool and sat by the bed, and dipped a cotton swab with iodophor to treat Yi Alan's neck. the wound.

"Don't curl up." Zhou Yan'an said in a soft voice, while stretching Yi Alan's body with her hands, touching her head, lifting her chin, rubbing her shoulders, moving her hands away, and letting him lie flat on the bed. Expose the wounds.

Yi Alan complied.

"Have you ever acted like this before?" Zhou Yan'an asked.

"How?"

"Self-harm."

Yi Alan shook his head.

"Have you ever had such an idea?"

Yi Alan didn't answer.

Zhou Yan'an understood, and said slightly reproachfully: "There are many bacteria on the fingernails, and it is easy to get tetanus. Don't do this in the future."

When he sterilized, he was very careful and thorough, and he used special force, Yi Alan hissed.

Zhou Yan'an laughed at him: "Fortunately, the face is fine, otherwise it would be a pity." He began to deal with the second bloodstain, the cotton swab worked from the edge of the jaw line, and almost scratched his face.

"What a pity? Am I good-looking?" Yi Alan suddenly became very aggressive, staring at Zhou Yan'an, but soon this aggressiveness turned around and turned into self-loathing, he touched his face , Feel the curvature of the brow bone, nose bridge, and lips, "How much of my face has inherited that person?"

Zhou Yan'an was afraid that he would really hurt her face, so she grabbed his wrist with her left hand and pulled it down. She didn't let go, and then pressed Yi Alan's other hand against the edge of the bed with her knee, and then only used her right hand to disinfect Yi Alan's wound. Apply blood-clotting pain-relieving ointment.

After the end, Zhou Yan'an took out the nail clippers that Yi Alan often used from the drawer of the bedside table, and trimmed Yi Alan's nails.

As if dealing with something very important, Zhou Yan'an lowered her head, placed Yi Alan's hand in the palm of his left hand, raised her fingers one by one, and concentrated on trimming those nails that were still stained with blood. Rinse with salt water.

Yi Alan quietly watched him doing this.

In the end, he ran across Yi Alan's fingertips one by one with his fingertips, making sure that no sharp nails that could hurt people were left behind, and then he was ready to leave with his hands.

Yi Alan grabbed him with a backhand: "Zhou Yan'an, are you so nice to everyone?"

Zhou Yan'an felt Yi Alan's trimmed fingertips sticking to her palm, and the soft touch was like something light and perishable resting on it.He had a premonition that as long as he moved his hand, the thing would flap its wings and fly away.Like the butterfly leaving with spring, the moonlight leaving with night, silently.But when someone notices it, he will know that the butterfly and the moonlight that night will never come back again.

"No." Zhou Yan'an said.He is not good to everyone, and he is not so good to everyone.