[Call for Papers] Fan Notes

Chapter 24 To Love or Not to Love

Uncle Li's notes are incomplete, maybe his memory is incomplete, he always remembers some good things, and fades away the bad things and forgets them.It doesn't matter what happened to my father and mother now, they are both so beautiful in my eyes.What makes me sigh more is my mother, she has been living in pain, I know she forgave me at the last moment, because she let Uncle Li take care of me, she chose a great way to free herself I also hope to fulfill her unfilial son.

I cried in front of my mother's portrait. The men in the Bai family seemed to hurt her. Maybe my mother had never been happy in her life. She lost everything because she was fighting for her own happiness.

I looked at my father, it seemed that there was always a faint smile on his face, did he encourage me to take care of Uncle Li?He was so not brave back then, but there were two people who loved him with all their hearts; but I am so brave now, but there are two people who are desperately avoiding me.Is this the so-called debt repayment of the father, or the retribution of the so-called karma and reincarnation.

I thought about Uncle Li. In his heart, the two most sorry people in his life were my father and mother. Because of his existence, my mother's family was ruined; because of his departure, my father passed away.This shouldn't be his responsibility, but he bears it silently, willingly, without resistance or doubt, but he never thinks about it for himself, what has he gained?He just walked away, isn't he afraid that he will have nothing when he turns around?

Love, is it really unpredictable sometimes?Should I also learn from my father?Married a wife and then Uncle Li came back, waiting for the next reincarnation with unknown fate?

I also asked myself in my heart, why did I like Uncle Li, why didn't I like any girl in my class, why didn't I like any woman among my friends?Is it because of Uncle Li's embrace?Is it because of Uncle Li's stubble?Is it because of Uncle Li's eyes?Maybe neither, maybe both.I just like him so much, maybe one day I will stop liking him, but I don't know when that day will come, will it come before my life is over?

The loneliness of that moment, or the despair of that moment, was unprecedented.I looked through my call history, but I couldn't find anyone I could call.All of a sudden, I understood my father very well. Uncle Li must be the only person in his life who can really tell his heart. He doesn’t care about all of this. What he cares about most is Uncle Li. Uncle Li is far away. The secular wind and rain and the moment of fragility and brokenness, I chose to die forever.And my mother, who seems to have been living in the shadows, watched me grow up but couldn't see the reality she wanted, and death may be her best relief.

In the midst of extreme mental anxiety, I lost sleep. I suddenly remembered the sleeping pills my father took when he left. Why did he choose to take sleeping pills to escape from this world?Is he still afraid of death in his heart, afraid of facing death?Not everyone dares to jump in the face of high-rise buildings, and not everyone has the strength to cut their wrists.

And I was also cowardly. I tore up the bed sheet I had been covering for a year and made it into a sling, thinking that maybe death would be my best relief.

Just stand in front of the hanging rope, dare not let go every time; pick up a knife, dare not do it every time, not to mention jumping from the roof of your own building, at most you will be crippled, that is not what I think As a result, I discovered my cowardice at that moment, and I spent day after day thinking about how to die.

This time, Uncle Li really won't show up again, because I remember everything in the room, even the wrinkles on the sofa, but there is no trace of it being touched.Uncle Li, you just need to take a look at me when I'm fast asleep, but he didn't.

Look at yourself in the mirror, so decadent and embarrassed.Maybe death is both an escape and a relief for me.I asked my father and mother, is this destined somewhere?

If the encounters obtained by looking back [-] times in the previous life, and the bed sharing in the exchange of a thousand years of reincarnation, in this life, can they be forgotten just by turning around?No, if Uncle Li doesn't belong to me, then my life might as well end as soon as possible and come to the next reincarnation as soon as possible.I am amused by the way I think, and I am sad by the way I think.

It was such a poetic evening, I specially cooked a sumptuous meal for myself, it can be said to be the last supper, and put four pairs of bowls and chopsticks, as if it was a family reunion, I was on the table Take food for them, and I speak for them on the table, imagining that the family is sitting together, chatting and laughing, chatting about the daily routine and the weather.

It can be said that I spent this day as the last day of my life, because I believe that there will be a pair of eyes watching my living conditions in the distance.Cleaned the room, took a hot bath beautifully, washed myself spotless, shaved the beard on my face dry and quiet, so I can be such a man, even though the faked smile still can't hide it I can't hold back the melancholy eyes, but I'm already very satisfied.

Putting on the clothes that Uncle Li bought for me, and putting a medicine bottle in front of my desk, I lay quietly on the brand-new sheets. If I were to die in the next moment, what would I miss in this world?Is it the loquat tree outside the window?It looks really good in the moonlight.

I called Uncle Li, but there was still no one answering. I was surprisingly patient this time and kept calling eighteen times, because I happened to be an adult.

I sent a text message to Uncle Li: Uncle, I'm tired, you don't want me anymore, I went to find my father and mother.

I drank all the medicine in the bottle and spilled the water glass on the ground, and I just lay quietly on the bed, imagining that my father and mother came to pick me up.