[Call for Papers] Fan Notes

Chapter 15 Baiyun Mountain

It's as if life has a purpose, as if the kite has found its direction, tore off a sad thread and flew away, and this sad thread is the bondage left by my mother after she left.

If I hadn't told my mother to come out, would my mother have stayed with me for a few more years in this world?Although we are not happy with each other living like that.I didn't continue to think about it. My mother said that all regrets that are useless are not worth regretting. After kowtowing three times in front of my mother's spiritual tablet, I resolutely turned and walked out of this heavy air. Chang's so-called home.

I shaved my head to make myself look brighter, and I even thought that if I went to Baiyun Mountain, if the master there saw that I had a lot of Buddha roots, it would be good to accept me as a disciple. Didn't Buddhism say that saving a life Sheng made a seven-level pagoda, so I can also inquire about the news about my father, or where to wait for Uncle Li's arrival?Maybe it's not necessarily that Uncle Li became a monk there too?It's just that if I go and bend a monk, will I go to hell after I die?But Uncle Li is crooked, he is a comrade.

Sitting on the train to Luoyang, I thought of this city that was once the ancient capital of thirteen dynasties. In the river where history intersects, how many stories of love between children and daughters are staged here?For the torment of love, seeing through the world of mortals and fleeing into Buddhism, fireworks are easy to be cold and people are difficult to distinguish, but how many people escape into Buddhism because of the love between men?There is nothing in the first place, where does the dust come from?There is no born master in this world, if a person has not experienced love, how can he see through love?Perhaps if you have nothing, you must first stir up the dust. This kind of state may not be high, but it is something that ordinary people like me can achieve and are willing to experience.

Seeing Baiyun Mountain, I actually had a kind feeling, maybe because my name is Baishanyun, maybe my father and I feel the same in the bottom of my heart, as if the reason for my name, the reason for being memorized by others, is Half of the factor is because of the mountain.

I can feel that the answer I'm looking for lies in this mountain.

Only in this mountain, the clouds are deep.I searched for a day, but I found nothing. I asked all the staff, but there was no news about my father and Uncle Li.

Walking down the mountain, I felt a sense of loss. I lost the excitement and nervousness when I came here. Instead, I was in a daze. I walked blankly on the small road down the mountain where my father and Uncle Li met. On the way, you may be able to see Uncle Li looking at the sunset infatuatedly next to that big rock.

I was even prepared to sprain my foot, but I was not prepared to still not be able to see familiar figures. The huge Baiyun Mountain, such a beautiful dusk, did not belong to me, they only belonged to my father and Li. Uncle.

I sat on the boulder in a daze, looking at the familiar cigarette butts in the cracks of the stone not far away, that was Luoyan, Uncle Li’s favorite cigarette, did he fall in love with Luoyan because of his father?This is very possible, because in the days when he was with me, he was accompanied by Luo Yan from Luoyang.There should be no such coincidences in this world. It just so happens that there is someone who likes Luoyan, who just happens to like to see the scenery here, and who just happens to stay here for so long.Because the remaining cigarette butts of different shapes in the corners are the best proof, what kind of mood will a person who never throws cigarette butts let the cigarette butts fall one by one?

Sitting on the rock, thinking about the past, it seems that from the time I was sensible, Uncle Li gave me as much love as any biological father in the world, and the only mistake he made was calling my name in his sleep , because he was afraid of losing me, I ran to his bed to comfort him, and spent every night he dreamed with him, but now I think about it, it turned out that he called my father's name, and he said that to his father. A love was transferred to me unreservedly, but he never let me call him godfather, just call him Uncle Li.I am satisfied with this, because I am willing to be his lover; and for him, or an inner escape and conflict, he loves my father, he does not want my mother to be sad, he does not want to I'm on this road.

Walking alone on the road that my father and Uncle Li once walked, I feel inexplicably uncomfortable in my heart, especially seeing the two men in front of me holding hands under the protection of the night, which makes me unwilling to continue walking, so I simply don’t want to go far away. I took a rest under a pavilion.

It's just that when an accident comes to disturb you, no matter how you stop it, you can't stop it.And maybe I feel more like a local resident to others, watching the excitement that does not belong to me alone at night.

"Brother, how do I get to Luojian Hotel? We are here for the first time, and we are not familiar with the place." A mature man asked me.

The place where I live is the Luojian Hotel, and it is natural to be as skilled as the local residents in pointing the way to them.Another man handed me a cigarette, which was from Baijia Town. I was stunned for a moment and did not refuse, and the two men also thanked me and left. Maybe they had to thank me because I didn't express my dislike for their identities. It’s just that they didn’t know the surprise in my heart, because I could hear clearly, when that mature man greeted his companion, I clearly heard the word “Jing Tao”, and that person who had never met me Uncle has exactly the same name.

But then I dismissed my thoughts. When my uncle knew that his father was gay, his attitude of not getting in touch with him was so hostile. How could he be gay?This world can't be so small, otherwise why can't I find my father, why can't I see my Uncle Li?

Walked to a restaurant with a familiar name but never visited because it was all in my father's notes.The name of the restaurant is Yunshan Restaurant, and the noodles I ordered are called Yunshan Noodles, but I can't taste the taste my father described.

At the time of checkout, the price of the noodles had already increased by two yuan. Not only did I remember my father’s words, whether a meal is delicious or not depends not on the price of the meal, but on who you eat with and how much you pay for it. In the mood to eat.

My mood, my current mood, I don't know if my father can know?Is it true that father and son connect hearts?I can only look up at the stars in the sky, not to let the long-planned tears fall.