Jean Love

My heart, my pain, my actual situation, let her know, must let her know, let her know as soon as possible, she has such power, and only in this way, can she be saved, and I can be redeemed.How to let him know?How can I let her know faster?Tell her directly?Will it frighten her if you do it rashly?Will it break her fragile and unprepared psychological defense?

Snub, yes, snub might be the better way.

In fact, from the very beginning, I was never enthusiastic, but my personality just covered up that indifference. After the birth of Quan Er and the farewell to Xinhui, I couldn't convince myself to continue to play that part realistically. The distorted role, if I continue to play it, it will be a blatant deception. Deep down, I have no love for her, only family affection.

Now, I'm doubly ignoring her, pretending to be indifferent to her situation.Before, May Day, Dragon Boat Festival, Mid-Autumn Festival and National Day, she always came to see me, Zhongshan, the place where she works, I have never been there, that festival, I don’t remember what festival, she called me and asked me I won’t go to her place, I said no, she gave her mobile phone to her colleague and asked me to have a few words with her colleague, I said no time, she said she came to my place, I said maybe I don’t have time to accompany her .

"You have someone you like there, don't you?" She couldn't restrain herself, she started to speak loudly, her voice sounded a bit like a shrew, but at the end she obviously lacked confidence, because she was not a shrewd person herself.

"No." I was heartbroken, although I knew that what was supposed to come would come sooner or later.

"Then why...?" She was still loud and said a lot.

I remember at that moment, I didn't say anything, the phone was stuck to my ear, and when she finished speaking, I waited for five seconds, without words, I covered the flip of the phone, paced back and forth, my heart was full of fear and anxiety.

"If you really like someone over there, you can tell me directly." She sent a message.

The delivery of text messages was too slow, and on the phone, I really couldn’t say anything. Remembering the sound of penguins beating on her phone, I replied a message and wrote my Q number, "You can add my QQ."

"Is your Q name bustling and lonely?"

"Yes."

Didi, Didi, after adding it, she sent an emoji.

"I'm sorry, I don't like it." I was typing very slowly, like a snail, and there were many typos.

"Why?" She typed faster.

"I'm gay, I'm gay, and I like men like me, middle-aged men." When I finished writing this in one breath, my tears kept falling, falling on the floor, falling On the desk, dropped on the keyboard.You know, it takes a lot of courage, even more courage than when I confessed my love to Lianyu face to face in Huangjiang.Because, I don't understand how the other party will react after knowing the truth. The distance is so far, she is sad, she is crying, she can't think about it, and I can't even see it.

"Why didn't you say it earlier?" It seems that her tolerance is much stronger than I imagined.

"You were the most aware of the actual situation at home at the time, and you were also the most aware of your mother's physical condition and her personality. You should know the kindness your mother gave you in nurturing you. As a child, I have no better choice. This is an obligation. , an obligation that we should all fulfill.” After a long time, I wrote a paragraph, clicked to send, wrote in a polite way, talking to myself, and I don’t know what she thinks, separated by two places, my tears are like broken beads , still kept falling down, with a long nose.

"Oh."

After being silent for a long time, I waited for a long time, and she sent a few more texts: "Why did you tell me?"

"You have grown up, from the tone of your phone call just now, I know that you have really grown up, and you are no longer the little girl in Dongguan who couldn't even open the doorknob or take out the trash. During these years in Zhongshan, you will be able to distinguish between good and bad, good and evil, true and false, you have the right to pursue your own happiness, I cannot give you happiness, so I want to tell you the truth..."

These are actually lines that I prepared a long time ago and recited them over and over again, but my typing is too slow, I feel dizzy, my mind is in a mess, or I feel guilty, or I am worried about some inadvertent words, and I can’t fully understand them. Retreat, even more unable to appease the other party's heart that has already been scarred like me, and I am afraid that something will happen to the other party.So, I wrote and deleted this passage, I wrote it badly for a long time, and finally posted it, a little relieved, but the tears still couldn't stop.

The other party sent another word: "Oh!"

...............

Turn off the computer, walk out of the office, light a cigarette, I came to the gate of the factory, walked in the direction of the newly opened comprehensive market, kept walking, kept walking, crooked, confused, grinning at the corners of my mouth, I don’t know what to say, ringing in my ears, besieged on all sides , until the side of the road in the market, I patted the rear of a rental motorcycle and stepped on it. I wanted to throw myself into the wilderness, and I wanted to use the convective evening wind to wash and calm my sluggish and chaotic thinking.

"Where are you going? Boss." The driver put his feet on the ground and turned to look at me.

"I'll give you 20 yuan, and you can take me for a ride around here." I must have had a cold expression at the time.

The man didn't understand and hesitated for a moment: "Where do you work? Is it in the factory in front?"

"Yes, I belong to that factory, let's go." I sat up straight, like a piece of rotten wood.

Since that day, to be precise, before that day, our marriage has existed in name only. At this moment, my mood is very complicated. The pain is certain, but there is also a little bit of relief that has been unloaded. I started to relax. Without being sure about the other party's life, my nerves continued to be tense and I dared not relax.Even if it is so tense that it is about to burst, burst, and suffocate, it looks like a fish in a pond that is about to die, with its belly turned upside down, its mouth constantly opening and closing, looking for clear water and oxygen.

Day [-]: Didi, Didi, Didi

"Is there something I didn't do well?" It was a message from Zhao Xin.

"No, it's my fault."

"How do you think I am compared to other girls?"

"You are very good, girls in the world, there are not many gentle and considerate girls like you."

"Have you ever loved me?"

Seeing these five words on the computer screen, my heart skipped a beat. These few questions are probably the ones that every woman who has been hurt by love will ask herself.I know that she is also experiencing the pain I have suffered now and before, and she is experiencing it. She may be suffering more than me, because she is full of enthusiasm for this love and has high hopes for this marriage, because our union has a The red book is stamped with relatives and friends as witnesses, and there is also Quan'er to maintain.

"You are my sister and will always be my sister." I paused for a long time and wrote this sentence.

The other party stopped talking, and neither did I. After a while, I quit QQ.

Day [-]: Didi, Didi

"How should we live in the future?" It was Zhao Xin again.

"You have grown up and have your own ability to distinguish. You should find a good man, better than me, find a man who loves you more than you love him, and be careful when you look for it again. Don't look for someone who looks like me. Loyal ones, remember to pay attention to safety, don’t look for the kind of dawdler, look for the kind of honest, can live a hard life together, it doesn’t matter if you are poor, the most important thing is that the person is sincere to you, and the nature of the person is better .Don’t tell your mother until you really find it, and it’s best not to let others know about our situation.” I wrote words similar to this paragraph several times,

"What will you do if I find it?"

"You don't have to worry about this, you take care of yourself first."

"Will you take it again?"

"Impossible, it's impossible to take it again, if I take it again, how can I let go, you are no worse than any other girl."

"Oh……."

Our communication gradually cut into the reality of life as I confessed to her straight to the point.