Heart has a thousand knots

With the wish to have a daughter for me, we separated like this.And Xiaoshi's flesh and blood, Nianmo, who I can love as my own daughter, also left early.

What is tragedy?It is fate that tears up all the beautiful, good, and true things for you to see, and you are powerless to reverse them, and can only engrave these memories one by one in pain.

(45) Who complains about a loneliness

Xiaoshi started to work.Every morning, make breakfast for her, finish eating together, and then send her to school.During the day, when I was shopping and cooking, I guessed that she was about to leave work, so I went to pick her up.

Seeing me pick up and drop off on an electric scooter under the sun, she refused to let me go.Seeing that I was idle and had nothing to do, she said: Why don't you go and take your driver's license test, you don't have too many skills, and you will need it in the future.

Two years ago, after getting her driver's license, her parents bought her a car.On weekends, I drove back to Dujiangyan and took the whole family out for fun.After the earthquake, it has not been opened.Afraid of being, seeing things and thinking about people, but things are right and people are wrong, empty and heartbroken.

In July, Xiaoshi went on vacation.An art training center found her and asked her to be a piano teacher.

The piano in the living room has been covered since the day I arrived.On the first night of going to the training center, the velvet cloth on the piano was gently lifted by Xiao Shi, and her fingers touched the black and white keyboard.

As if remembering something, she turned and went into the bedroom.When she came out, she held a guitar in her hand and handed it to me: "Come together."

That guitar is all too familiar.Guangzhou Hongmian, I bought it when I was taking music in college.When I left Chengdu four years ago, I left it in the rental house.

When tuning, accidentally, the first string broke with a "bang".Looking up, Xiaoshi was looking at me, smiled, and sat down on the piano bench.

I'm not a superstitious person. Although some negative emotions creep up in my heart occasionally, the broken string makes me feel a little uneasy.This kind of anxiety reminded me involuntarily of that dream, the uncontrollable throbbing in my heart when the little poem in the dream called me desperately.

Is the dream another reality?Or, in many cases, our dreams are another form of reality?

Just when I was thinking wildly, the piano sounded, accompanied by the singing of Xiaoshi: "... I can't forget the familiar outline, I hope to hug me tightly again, but you refuse to look back. I just want to hear you again, willing Continue to love me. But you lowered your head and kept silent. I really just want to hear you again, please don’t dodge any more. Only then did I realize that falling in love with you is equivalent to falling in love with loneliness. Only then did I understand that falling in love with you is equal to In love with loneliness."

At the end of the song, Xiaoshi sat on the stool without looking back.There was a long silence.

"I'm sorry, Xiaoshi." I said, gently hugging her from behind.In the past few years, I have always taken it for granted that she is happy.As long as we enter into marriage and have a family, we can bury all the anxieties and confusions of the past with peace of mind.

Another time, another place, our relationship will have another ending, right?

Back then, I chose to escape from Rongcheng. After that, Xiaoshi, what kind of pain and despair I experienced in my heart, I didn’t recall them one by one until we met again.I once felt that I had gone through vicissitudes, only to realize how stubborn and naive I was at that time.

I thought that the one who quit in embarrassment was the one who suffered the most in this relationship.

The first time I was drunk, the dream after drunkenness is not illusory; when I changed my application form, the sentence she wanted to say to me but never said; also, what did she do in my empty rental house? Spending almost desperate minutes and seconds; including, three years ago, I found the mobile phone number card that I abandoned in the jasmine pot...

So close to the memory, it seems to be a step away.Poetry, never forgetting the past.

I cannot escape the blame for all this.If it wasn't for my return to Chengdu and the continuation of those two years, our relationship would have gradually faded away, right?If I hadn't insisted on watching her live a so-called normal life, would Xiaoshi have what happened to her today?The child, maybe still alive and kicking, a small person with an innocent face, Cheng Huan is at her knees...

Sorry, Poem.Apart from these three weakest words, all I can do is to hug her tightly and exhaust all my strength in the darkness of the room.

Xiaoshi's kiss stuck to my cheek, and then accurately found my lips.The body in his arms became softer and hotter.My hand reached in from her pajamas, caressing her back, the smooth silky skin. "Momo—" whispered drunkenly, a distant and familiar voice...

The movements of my hands slowed down.

"What's wrong?" Xiaoshi's hand was still holding my face.

What's wrong with me?

Sleep well, tomorrow, you have to take the road test.Xiaoshi turned over and stopped speaking.I tried my best to figure out how to talk to her, but after thinking about it for a while, I didn't have a decent word.An awkward silence, like the dark night.

The next day, the road test.Get in the car, put on the gear, turn the lights, honk the horn, release the handbrake, and move forward, but the car is like an arrow off the string, rushing to the ditch next to it without hesitation.I heard an exclamation behind me, and then I closed my eyes...

When I opened the car door, covered my forehead and got out of the car in embarrassment, the examiner waved his big hand and said viciously: You are not afraid of death, others are!The accelerator acts as a clutch, is it open on the first day?idiot!

He died before leaving the teacher. Although he did not die, it was more embarrassing than death.

Seeing the gauze on my forehead, Xiaoshi was shocked.Briefly talking about the exam situation, she stared wide-eyed: "What the hell are you thinking?" Yeah, what am I thinking?I am no stranger to those driving steps after watching them for four years.

"When driving, don't think about anything, just think about your own life." She glanced at me and said, "When I see you, you are always absent-minded."

My face suddenly turned red.What was hidden in her heart was seen through by her.

(46) The sky is far away and the soul is flying bitter

On August 8, the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympic Games.In the evening, watch the live broadcast with Xiaoshi at home.I held the phone in my hand, opened it for a while, and closed it again.

The phone, as always, remained silent.

Yueyue, where are you?Shanghai, or Beijing?I once thought, use the hard work of this life to exchange your stretched eyebrows.Now, after the two broke up, the original agreement has become a cold joke.

When July and a half comes, go to the river to light up the children and the old people who have passed away.A total of three, two yellow, for the elderly; one red, for children.From paper cutting to folding, from lamp cover to handle, Xiaoshi and I made it by ourselves.Three lights, two big ones on both sides and a small one in the middle, the candles flickering, slowly sailing towards the center of the river.

Hope, the dead have spirits, children accompany the elderly, the road ahead is no longer dark and cold.

Before Xiaoshi officially went to work, I finally got my driver's license.

That night, with dinner, we drank four beers.Xiaoshi's face was flushed, she drank most of the wine.She wanted to get another drink, so I pressed her hand.She smiled: "It's okay. Think about yourself, the way you drink for the first time, you're really useless..."

Scratching her head, she looked at her with a smile: The closer you are to memories, Xiaoshi, the farther you are from freedom.

After eating, I packed up the dishes and went to the kitchen to wash up.She brought the apron: "Low your head." I bowed my head as I said.She turned around behind me and said, "It's still the same, I don't know how to put it on."

I washed the dishes, and she stood by, took them one by one, wiped them dry, and put them away.I had an illusion for a moment, about Jiang Qiuyue, in a trance.However, the one standing in front of him is obviously Xiaoshi.

It was only when the plate slid to the floor with a shattering sound that I realized how far I was in a trance.

"Momo." Before falling asleep, Xiaoshi called me, "Are you listening?"

"Go ahead." I said.

"Look at me." Xiaoshi grabbed my shoulder.She looked into her eyes, the eyes that once made me feel drunk and addicted, now they are looking at me without blinking.

"When I go to work, you'd better go back to Shanghai." After waiting for a while, she said.

"But, you..."

"I'm fine." She smiled, "In the end, it's up to me, right? I have my own job, and I'm going to open a piano shop, making musical instruments and training at the same time. If you have something you like to do, you will Get better."

This, I believe.Now, she has slowly got rid of her dependence on drugs.In the middle of the night, there is less time for nightmares.

"You still love her, I can see it from your eyes." Xiao Shi sighed, "Momo, we can't go back. This is the truth..." Yes, the sad reality, we are blindly living in In memory, it's not because of how beautiful the past was, it's just that we all love our young selves in that past time.When struggling in the helplessness of reality, memories become the most effective medicine for healing.

Can Jiang Qiuyue and I go back to the past?What else am I going to do?There is no future for me and her.Who is she at this moment, by her side?

"Momo, what's the matter between you and her?" Xiaoshi looked at me and said, "If you want to talk, I'd like to listen."

After listening to my intermittent narration.Xiaoshi was silent, and after a while, she said: "You are still the same, you haven't changed at all. Some things, it's better to say it clearly in person. At least, you won't leave too many regrets. If I were you, the current situation , I will find her, even if we really can't be together, I can make myself give up."

People, when they come to this world, they are confused, but when they leave, they should at least be clear.

September [-], teach