Heart has a thousand knots

Alone, so noisy.

My tears flowed down unconsciously.There was a stabbing pain in my heart.

After cooking, I called her softly. After a while, she raised her head to look at me, and then looked down at the hip-hop monkey in her arms. No matter how I called, she never responded.

She passed the spoon to her mouth, but she didn't open her mouth. "Xiaoshi, open your mouth," I tried to keep my voice calm, "just eat a little bit, okay?"

I kept holding the spoon, I couldn't hold it anymore, tears fell down: "Please, Xiaoshi!"

After eating a few spoonfuls, Xiaoshi stopped, with an expression of wanting to vomit.She didn't eat well for a few days, and her stomach was no longer used to food.

Mix glucose water for her and watch her drink it.Her chin was painfully sharp.

Put the water in, let her lie down, take a good bath, maybe, she can sleep well for a while.When I was looking for a change of laundry for her, I saw a bottle of Valium on her bedside table.

Before going to bed, she walked up and down the house, rummaging through things. "Xiaoshi, what do you want?" I asked.

"Where's my medicine?" She stared at me with cold eyes.I have put away that bottle of medicine.

"Give it to me!" she yelled.I opened my mouth, didn't move, and before I could say a word, she became angry: "Shen Momo, I hate you!" Hearing that she said this sentence almost word for word, I stood on the spot in a daze.

She took a few steps over and almost fell.I lifted her up, held her in my arms, and let her fists land on my chest and shoulders.I believe that I am to blame for all the suffering she has suffered today.She hates me, and rightfully so.If hatred can make her dilute the deepest sorrow and pain in her heart, I would rather face her hatred.

Seeing the way she swallowed the medicine, and thinking that she could only rely on the medicine to get a moment of sleep, I myself began to hate myself.

In the middle of the night, as soon as I closed my eyes, I heard Xiaoshi's exclamation from the bedroom: Nianmo... run!Nian Mo! ...Running into the bedroom, her eyes were still tightly closed.Before turning around, she started shouting again.I sat down and held her hand.

At three o'clock in the morning, I was extremely tired and closed my eyes.Another endless dream.When I woke up, it was already twilight.Xiaoshi was lying on her side, still asleep, holding my right hand with her left hand.

The bedside lamp stays on all night.

Sit up gently, go to the kitchen to make breakfast, and make her favorite egg custard.

She ate very slowly, one spoonful after another, and put down the spoon after less than half of it. "Drink some milk." I handed her the cup, but she shook her head and refused to take it.

go for a walk, okay?I asked her softly.She still shook her head.

When I opened the door, I saw Ms. Wang with a concerned expression on her face: "Have you eaten?" I nodded.I went downstairs, and Madam Wang followed behind, babbling: "A good person, she was also tortured crazy... It's been so long, I haven't heard her cry, alas..."

After buying groceries, I gently opened the door. There was no one on the sofa in the living room, no one in the toilet, and no one in the kitchen.I started to panic, threw away the vegetables, and ran into the bedroom.Xiaoshi sat by the dressing table, staring at the screen in a trance.

On the screen, a little girl is wearing a white lace princess dress, hugging a pink hip-hop monkey, with a childlike smile on her round face.Big eyes, as pure as water - this point is completely inherited from Xiaoshi's genes.

The monkeys were originally a couple. When Xiaoshi got married in 04, she went to see the wedding ring with her, passed by a toy store, and saw it in the window.

"She wants to see monkeys," Xiaoshi said in a low voice, "I promised her to take her to Mount Emei on Lunar New Year's Eve. It's not here yet..."

"She's still so young," Xiaoshi's voice began to sob, "Momo, she will be scared..."

"I know, I know," I hugged her lightly, I raised my head, trying to keep the tears in my eyes, "but, at least this way, she won't be in pain..." The child lay on the ambulance This scene, in retrospect, is particularly worrying.I can't tell Xiaoshi that when the child left, I was there as a stranger.

Xiaoshi's crying became louder and louder, and the backlog of sadness, like magma that had been silent for a long time, swelled to a certain limit and burst out.He hugged her tightly and stroked her back.At this time, what I can give her is a strength disguised with calmness; what I face with God is the real anger that roars: God!Heaven! !

(44) How can life be free from sorrow and hatred

Xiaoshi's mood calmed down a little, so I sent Jiang Qiuyue a message and briefly talked about Xiaoshi's situation.This time, she didn't reply me immediately.

After a long time, her text message came, just saying: take good care of her, she needs you.

Turn off the phone, I did not reply to the past.What do you say?Her succinct message left me speechless.

I don't know how Bu Yue is doing now.Now, Xiaoshi needs me, but she doesn't need me anymore, right?

During that period of time, TV and the Internet were ignored by us intentionally or unintentionally.Any report about the earthquake, about those people who were touched, is enough to touch the wound and tear the wound.

Xiaoshi is finally willing to walk out the door.In the morning, when the light is not very strong, and after dinner, I take her out for a walk.

The life of Chengdu people is as leisurely as ever.Using the pair that was circulated on the Internet later, it can be properly described: the people in the disaster area had no houses to live in, and they were waiting for food and drink during the aftershocks; the people in Chengdu had houses, and they were waiting for the aftershocks while eating and drinking.It has been a week since the earthquake, and most Chengdu citizens have returned to their homes, but the sound of mahjong in the streets and alleys has never stopped. When the earthquake came on May 5, the ground trembled and the houses shook. Some experienced mahjong players calmly shouted: "Don't panic, don't panic, put the legs of the table on the table, and let's talk about this one."

In the community, on the street, seeing a little girl around three years old, Xiaoshi's eyes were attracted by a magnet, and she couldn't move her eyes away.That bewildered look caught my heart.Nianmo, the cute and cute child, the baby with her blood flowing in her body, no one can replace her.

At that time, all I could do was to hold her hand and turn her around.Like a child who is about to lose something she loves, she walks and looks back.

I don't know how long it will take for the pain of losing a child and losing a parent to fade away.This process, I wish I could shorten it a bit.

On the evening of the 30th, I turned on my phone and typed in the information field: Yueyue, happy birthday!After hesitating for a moment, he deleted it word by word.At this time, someone will celebrate her birthday, right?

On the morning of June 6st, the weather was fine, so I went to Huanhuaxi Park with Xiaoshi.Originally, she wanted to go to the playground.There, the past that kept the children happy was once so vivid.I said, go to Huanhuaxi, the air is better.She doesn't insist anymore.

On the wall of the Poetry Square, there are eight big characters inscribed on it: "The environment is born from the heart" and "Sit and watch the clouds rise".Looking at those few words silently, I suddenly realized: Yes, this disaster left too many psychological wounds, which slowly formed scabs, and every time they jumped, the wounds would be clear. pain.Hurt people can gain courage and strength from the company of others, but it is still the unyielding and strong heart deep in their hearts that really makes them stand up.

I pointed to the yellow sandstone ground, turned my head to look at the little poem: "Do you want to write it?"

Slowly squatting down, her fingers slid across, leaving a string of handwriting: child/hold on to mother’s hand/the road to heaven is too dark/mother is afraid you will meet your head/hold on to mother’s hand/let mother accompany you Go/Mom is afraid that the road to heaven is too dark/I can't see your hands/Since the collapsed wall took away the sunshine...

Tears wet the ground drop by drop, and her fingertips stopped at the last stroke of the character "Go", unable to write any more.He lifted her up and held her in his arms, ignoring the eyes of his surroundings.

I don't know how she saw this widely circulated poem, but she recited it clearly and completely, word by word.

In the evening, the phone rang.I took it out and saw that it wasn't Jiang Qiuyue, it was sent by a scholar.These days, Xiucai, Xiaoman, Xiaobai and others sent greeting text messages more frequently than hers.

Feeling lost in my heart, but I didn't sigh that tone.

I heard from 2B that you and the boss of the company came back for the Spring Festival.Xiaoshi said in a calm tone.

Momo, are you with her?Seeing that I was silent, she asked again, her tone still indifferent.I nodded and shook my head again.

In Shanghai for four years, we have spent more than 400 days with Jiang Qiuyue, and we have come to this point.I myself, come from everywhere, go everywhere.Four years ago, on that dark night, I took the train away from Chengdu, thinking of saying goodbye to this city.Now, I'm back.

Life, from birth to death, is a cycle; is life also a circle?

"In a few days, I'll go to work," Xiaoshi said, "Stay here, and I have nothing to do." Don't ask about Jiang Qiuyue and me any more.

It is a good thing for her to have something to do and distract her attention.At least, you don't have to think about your kids all the time.The thought of the child, her grief, just couldn't close the floodgates.

I still clearly remember that that night in Sanya, Jiang Qiuyue lay in my arms and said to me in a soft voice: Momo, I really want to give birth to you.Looking back now, it has become a sweet sadness.

I like girls, and I like to see their innocent smiles like angels, or they are elegant and quiet, or weird.But the little girls who do advertising planning for those companies that produce food and milk powder are always the protagonists of my creativity.

Jiang Qiuyue, not yet