Heart has a thousand knots

In the singing, my hallucinations are still being staged:

Lei Yunfei quickly fell asleep, Yang Xiaoshi's tears trickled down the corners of her eyes, silently.She felt as if she was dead, leaving only a shell, and only the singing outside the window made her feel alive.

Yes, alive, carelessly, with this body.

My ears are filled with the cry of Xiaoshi: Momo, this is my wedding night, the happiness you left me!She shouted in her heart: Momo, do we have to make such a choice?

After returning to the residence from the hospital, I started to pack my luggage.I want to leave this sad place of Rongcheng.In the eyes of people all over the country, this is a city that you don't want to leave once you come here. It has beautiful scenery, delicious food and beautiful people, and a leisurely life, making it the most suitable place to live.I feel that this city is like an hourglass, quietly leaking out my youth.Now, at 24, I feel ridiculously old. 24-year-old body, 64-year-old mind.

There doesn't seem to be anything worthy of my nostalgia in this city.

It was twelve o'clock in the evening when my train left Chengdu from the North Railway Station.The train roared past in the vast night, and Chengdu began to go backwards, farther and farther away.

I once imagined various situations of leaving Chengdu, but when I actually left, those anticipated pains changed from abstraction to concreteness, like needles piercing the heart, and the fishy smell surged in my throat.

Xiaoshi, goodbye.I meditate in my heart, in this life, maybe, I will never meet again...

([-]) If life is only as it was first seen

The first time I saw Yang Xiaoshi was in the autumn when I was 15 years old. I was sweating profusely with my big bags and small bags, wandering around in the courtyard of the girls’ dormitory looking for a dormitory for the liberal arts class.There are ten classes in the whole grade, and only five classes are liberal arts classes.

After seeing the fourth class dormitory, I breathed a sigh of relief, walked a few steps, and pushed open the door next door.As I was about to put my things down, I heard a scream that made me shiver.When I saw in front of me a naked girl with both hands and chest guards, I screamed, the decibels were higher than that girl's.

Then, I asked in a daze: You, why don't you wear clothes?

The girl who screamed earlier grabbed a towel, wrapped it around her body, and said angrily: Are you illiterate?

I wondered: I am illiterate, does it have something to do with you not wearing clothes?What is the logic?

The girl stared at her: You!Why can't you figure it out?After all, he grabbed my hand, dragged it to the door, and raised his finger.

bathroom.These two words completely confused me.Isn't this the dormitory of Class [-]?It's right next door to Class [-].

Who stipulates that the next door to Class [-] must be Class [-]?What logic?The girl imitated my tone, full of sarcasm.

My face turned red all of a sudden, and I stood at the door, not knowing what to do.Whenever I encounter something wrong with me, I will blush, and the temperature on my face is beyond my control.

"Boss, do you want me to show you the way?" The girl pointed to the room on the left of the bathroom, "Here, Class [-] dormitory."

The one naked and angrily pointing at my nose was Yang Xiaoshi.

Yang Xiaoshi is thin, with a good-looking oval face, paired with two small dimples, very beautiful.Later, when the students got together, they said that Li Xiaolu was a bit like Yang Xiaoshi.When Yang Xiaoshi and I were in middle school, Li Xiaolu hadn't debuted yet.

What I like to look at most is Yang Xiaoshi's bright black eyes, which are as clear as a pool of water. After looking at them for a long time, they look like people who can't swim and feel like they are drowning.

Later, when I tasted the wine for the first time, I realized that the feeling of looking into Yang Xiaoshi's eyes was not an appropriate analogy.Looking at Yang Xiaoshi, there is clearly a smell of drunkenness, in a daze, erratic, but the feeling in my heart is clear and real.

For my birthday, Yang Xiaoshi only invited me.That day happened to be the weekend, Yang Xiaoshi took me to her house.Her parents are on a business trip.During the meal, Yang Xiaoshi said, Momo, would you like some wine?

I nod.The first time I drank, all my curiosity was dissolved in the alcohol and turned into light excitement.

A bottle of wine quickly bottomed out.The two held up empty glasses and giggled.Yang Xiaoshi's cheeks were flushed, she stared at me: Momo, do I look good?

"It looks good!" I laughed.

"Do you like to watch it?" Yang Xiaoshi asked again.I propped my head up and looked straight at her. I thought my eyes must have been red at that time, and the answer was in it, an affirmative answer.

"If, I mean, if I get married in the future, what will you do?" Yang Xiaoshi straightened up and approached me.

I didn't think about this question, and I didn't know how to answer it. I was stunned and said: What do you think of me?But I wanted to say in my heart: Xiaoshi, if I don't want it, can we always be like this, to be best best friends, to be the most important person to each other?

I didn't hear what she said clearly, my head was getting heavier and heavier, and I vaguely heard singing, like Yang Xiaoshi's voice, there were a few lines, singing over and over again:

"I'm afraid that I can't bear the deep affection for you/So I dare not get too close to you/You said that you would travel far and secretly sad/I won't let you see the crying eyes."

He tried his best to support his head with his hands, and opened his eyes wide, trying to see Yang Xiaoshi's appearance clearly, to see if the pool of clear water in her eyes was getting deeper; if her cheeks were getting redder.Grabbing her hand, I said, "Xiaoshi, you're drunk, ha ha. What song are you singing... I think I've heard it before..."

I can't remember what happened afterwards.I just remember that I had a dream that I had never had before.In the dream, I hugged Yang Xiaoshi tightly and kissed her lips.Even, my hand reached into Yang Xiaoshi's clothes, and gently stroked through the underwear.I was afraid that Xiaoshi would get angry, so after stroking for a while, I stopped again.Surprisingly, Xiaoshi grabbed my hand and didn't let it go, and then whispered in my ear like a dream: Momo, take it off for me... Momo... she bit my lip tightly with her mouth. lip.At the end of the dream, it was me and Xiaoshi who were both naked, sticking together without any gaps...

([-]) If the two feelings last for a long time

After the college entrance examination, Yang Xiaoshi chose Chuanyin, the best music academy in the Southwest.She asked me what my wish was. I looked up at the sky in July. After a while, I lowered my head and said, I want to stay in Sichuan.

Yang Xiaoshi hugged me, put a kiss on my short wind-blown hair, and said: Momo, you are so kind!I closed my eyes, smiled, and two red clouds flew up on my face.

To my surprise, I received the admission letter from Chuanmei.I couldn't figure it out, I clearly filled in Sichuan University at the beginning.

I asked Xiaoshi, she blinked and said, maybe the teacher changed it for you.

However, Chongqing is two or three hundred kilometers away from Chengdu, how far is it... I muttered, not knowing how to tell Xiaoshi.Will the distance of reality widen the distance of emotion?

"You are stupid, Sichuan Academy of Fine Arts is professional in art, can other universities in Sichuan compare? Chongqing is a municipality directly under the central government, but everyone thinks it is still Sichuan, so you have achieved your wish and are still in Sichuan." Xiaoshi comforted me , "There is a confidant in the sea, and the world is like a neighbor. Let alone Chongqing to Chengdu."

In fact, what Yang Xiaoshi wanted to say was not this, it was just that those two words wandered around her mouth, and then went back.

"Momo, if the relationship lasts for a long time, how can it be day and night?" It's just these words that she told me after we parted for nearly ten years.It's just that I was a little stupid at the time and didn't guess it.

During my four years in college, I devoted all my time to my major.Seeing couples on campus, I felt a little envious and also faintly disappointed.In the graphic design major, my professional performance has always been far ahead.Facing the pursuit of male classmates, my heart is as calm as the Jialing River in autumn, without any waves.Only when you think of a small poem, it will be like a lake in spring, with the wind blowing, a pool of spring water, wrinkled and rippled.

In my spare time, I often go to the oil painting department to take classes.When I was in middle school, the famous oil painting "Father" by Dean Luo Zhongli deeply shocked me.When I saw "Father" for the first time, I was stunned, my eyes stayed on the furrows of the protagonist, and I couldn't move them away.

When I was in elementary school, my mother passed away.My father is an out-and-out farmer without any skills, so he farms and raises pigs in the countryside.In order for me to study in the best middle school in the county, I did my best.A big man, for the sake of three children, from being single at the age of 35 to his 50s.My father is so old that it makes me feel distressed, even though he is not yet sixty years old.

My father planted a lot of jasmine around my mother's grave.During the slack season, my father would loosen the soil and prune the branches for Jasmine.

Jasmine was my mother's favorite during her lifetime.When I was a child, my lullaby was never "Lullaby", but "What a Beautiful Jasmine Flower" that my mother hummed in her dreams.So, my name is Shen Momo.

It is also because of Luo Zhongli's "Father" that I have an indescribable intimacy with Chuanmei, especially the oil painting department.Going to the oil painting department to take classes made me feel a little guilty. Although anyone can take classes, regardless of whether it is justified or not, I am naturally shy. Every time I go to the oil painting department to attend a class, I always quietly go through the back door like a mouse. Sneak in and sit down in a corner where people don't pay much attention.After class, he slipped out of the back door silently in the posture of a mouse.Therefore, I took classes in the oil painting department for almost a semester, but no one knew me.

One day, I was busy going back to the dormitory to call Xiaoshi.At that time, in 1999, mobile phones were still a rare device.

As soon as get out of class was over, I planned to jump out through the back door. I didn't want to be hit by a tall boy who knocked away the folder in my arms, and the drawing paper was scattered all over the floor.

The boy quickly apologized to me and helped me pick out a lot of drawing paper.He suddenly asked me: This one is yours