Pavlov and the White Moonlight

Seeing the two of us not moving, his mother walked over by herself, gave me a complicated look, and called him cautiously: "Xiaohe..."

"How do you know I live here?"

Tang Shuhe spoke suddenly.I was taken aback by his stiff tone, and turned my head to look at him. The white light from the street lamp at the entrance of the building reflected his pale face. His mother sighed and said, "I'm your mother, can I help you?" Do you know where you live?"

Tang Shuhe's breathing suddenly became heavy.

"What's the matter?" Tang Shuhe said.

His mother gave me a look.

I was still holding hands with Tang Shuhe, his palms were covered with cold sweat, I was really worried, but seeing what his mother meant, it was inconvenient for me to listen to what he said next.I looked at Tang Shuhe's face and thought about it, "Do you want me..."

"Don't go." He turned his head abruptly, without any expression on his face, only a pair of eyes fixed on me, and the force in his hand made my knuckles ache.

I patted the back of his hand to signal him not to leave.

His mother sighed: "Don't let mom go up and sit down?"

"What's the matter," he said.

"After so many years, you are still ignorant. It's because your father and I didn't educate you well." When it was cold, she put her hands on her chest and said, "Xiaohe, your father was... a little anxious back then. Be considerate of Dad," she cried a little, her eyes were red, "Dad has worked very hard for so many years."

Tang Shuhemu was there, not moving, speaking, or making expressions, his eyes were empty.

"Mom came here this time to tell you that your father...liver cirrhosis is on the verge of dying." Her voice suddenly trembled violently, and tears finally flowed out. Looking for you, but now... you have to go back and see him, he is your father."

Tang Shuhe froze there, he even loosened his grip on my hand, his lips trembled a few times, for a moment I thought he wanted to say something, but he didn't say anything after all, he just turned his head away, Teeth clenched tightly.

"You don't know, you don't know," his mother cried even harder, "his ascites... his stomach is so swollen, Xiao He, your father won't close his eyes if he can't see you."

"Didn't he say that he never gave birth to me?"

I was taken aback.When Tang Shuhe said this, he kept gnashing his teeth. I thought he was being ruthless, but later I realized something was wrong. His forehead was full of cold sweat, and his teeth were shaking uncontrollably. I looked down at his face: "...Tang Shuhe? "

"That's an angry word from him! When the trouble happened back then, so did Mom and Dad..."

Tang Shuhe suddenly pulled the corner of his mouth, revealing a thrilling smile.

His mother was startled: "... Xiaohe?"

"I see," he said softly with a pale face, "you go back first, we'll talk about it tomorrow."

"Tomorrow? Your father..."

"He is dying, I know." Tang Shuhe said.

I stood beside him and saw his shoulders trembling again. His whole body was trembling in cold sweat uncontrollably as if someone had been thrown into an ice hole. I grabbed his shoulders, and his mother stopped crying for a moment in surprise. Looking at him: "Xiaohe, what's wrong with you, have you become a child who talks like this?"

"Auntie," I said, "he's not feeling well."

His mother glanced at me lightly, and then turned her gaze back to her son: "Mom knows you are sad, but you have to prepare early, buy a ticket and go back to see him tomorrow, huh?"

"I see." Tang Shuhe almost squeezed his teeth, "Go back first."

His mother gave me another look.That look was really uncomfortable. She just stared at me coldly for a while with red eye circles, and said to Tang Shuhe: "Mom is gone. You have lost so much weight, you have to take good care of yourself."

Tang Shuhe didn't speak all the time, panting loudly and softly, I could feel him leaning against me almost all the time, until his mother disappeared from our sight with one step and three turns, I patted him: "Okay Okay, it's okay... Tang Shuhe? Tang Shuhe!"

He knelt down heavily.I didn't catch him for a while, and I slid to the ground together with him in shock. I put my arms around him and called him loudly: "Tang Shuhe? What's wrong?"

He lay in my arms, wheezing in pain and curled up into a ball, rubbing his forehead against my shoulder, beating his chest constantly, opening his mouth desperately like a drowning man, his temples were wet with cold sweat, I couldn’t help but I hugged him in embarrassment. I never knew that he had a heart attack. I took out my phone and wanted to call 120. I pressed my fingerprint to unlock it several times but it still couldn’t open. My hands were covered with cold sweat. I didn’t know it was mine. It was still his, I shook my hands and cursed, Tang Shuhe suddenly pressed my hand, shook his head, and said with difficulty: "No...not going to the hospital."

"What do you mean?" I held his hand, "Be good, be good, the ambulance will come soon."

"Go upstairs..." He panted like a bellows, "I don't want to go to... the hospital. I'm fine. I'll be fine in a while. Don't go..."

"Okay, okay, don't talk." I grabbed his knees, picked him up and ran upstairs. Where is the key, the key key, the key is in the mezzanine of his briefcase, and I opened the door. On the sofa, he was still panting, huddled in my arms and shivering, with cold sweat streaming down his face. I had never seen his distorted and frightened painful expression. I hugged his head and kept patting him. Looking at his back, I don't know what kind of torture he is suffering, my hands are shaking.

His face was already turning blue, I let him go and laid him flat on the sofa, he let out a scream when he left my arm, I half knelt on the ground, and put my hand over his mouth Nose: "Hold in for a while, baby, hold in for a while, okay, exhale—"

For 5 minutes, he seemed to be unable to hear me, but just stared at me, as if a grand massacre was going on inside his body. I covered his mouth and nose, controlled the rhythm of breathing, and only a pair of eyes, staring at me fiercely and forbearingly.

I was also sweating profusely.

Later, I glanced at my watch. This process lasted about 10 minutes, but he and I lost the ability to perceive time at that time. I can only feel that it took a long time before his breathing slowly recovered. My head was sweating profusely, and my eyes were half closed. I withdrew my hand and asked, "How is it?"

He stopped panting, his back and shoulders twitched from time to time, his expression slowly returned to normal, he lowered his eyes and did not look at me, after a while, he whispered, "Dizziness."

I can speak normally.My heart relaxed, I sat on the ground directly, wiped the cold sweat off his forehead with the back of my hand, and said, "It's okay, it's okay, you were panting like that just now, can you not feel dizzy?"

He moved slowly and touched my hand with his head. I smiled and gently rubbed his temples very loosely.After a while, he said, "Don't you ask?"

"...not a heart attack, is it?" I said.

He gritted his teeth and said directly, "anxiety attack. I just... had a panic attack. "

panic attacks.

A stone fell into my heart, I thought it was true, and I felt relieved for a while, for me and for him.I sighed and said, "Okay, I see. Are you tired, let's talk after a while?"

He closed his eyes.

With such a big commotion, his corgi had already been made a fuss, and I didn’t even notice that it was moaning and laying on my feet. I hugged it to my knees and rubbed its head: “Don’t bother your dad rest."

His father closed his eyes tightly, and buried his face in his arms as if trying to avoid something. It has been so long in autumn, and the floor is a little cold. I sat for a while and looked around. There is not even a chair in such a big hall None, so I had to drag Xiao Ke’s kennel over and sit on it with his arms around him. I'm really willing to spend money on your son, this is not a kennel, this is a lazy dog ​​sofa."

Hearing this, Tang Shuhe raised his face and glanced at me, his expression changed from blank to dumbfounding: "Why are you sitting there?"

"It's a little cold." I said.

"... let's go to the bedroom," he said.

I nodded, put the dog down, bent down and picked him up.The bedroom didn’t turn on the light, and the room was dim and dark. I sat by the bed on the side near the door, and he was lying in it by the window, with his back to me. I said, “Sleep for a while? The lights are off."

"You give me a hug," he said.

I lay on my side, hugged him gently from behind, and said, "Remember to wash the sheets tomorrow, I have sat in the kennel."

He didn't speak, he breathed tiredly.

After a while, I thought he was falling asleep, and he said, "I... haven't had a panic attack for a long time, and I've stopped taking medicine for almost three or four years. I really didn't expect this to happen today."

"...Because of your mother?"

He doesn't speak, by default.

"How long have you not seen your parents?" I said.

He whispered, "Seven or eight years."

"Then you go back this time?"

After a while, I heard him whisper, "I have to go back."

"Then I'll go with you." I said.

"……What did you say?"

"I'll go back with you." I said.

Is he crying? I heard his sniffing cautiously.

His back arched and he curled himself into a ball like a child. I hugged him from behind and rubbed his stomach lightly. He suddenly turned around with a bang and crashed into my arms, grabbing my lapel , Crying hard with a wow.

Difficult to cry.I can't hear the voice of venting, it's all grievances, it seems that crying out will not reduce the helplessness and despair, Tang Shuhe has always been soft-spoken, I rarely hear him speak loudly, let alone cry loudly.In the end, there were no tears, only dry howling. He grabbed my clothes, turned his mouth upside down, and asked over and over again, why.He buried his face in my chest, muffled his voice, howled with his veins exposed, and gnashed his teeth, shouting, why, why, why.

I can only touch his hair, unable to answer his words.Why, why can't he ask clearly even at this time.

I could only let him cry hoarsely.I raised my eyes, and the windy autumn night filled the sky with stars, and the river was surging in the past eight years.The little boy with a faint voice was crying in the river, and I hugged Tang Shuhe tightly in my arms, feeling sad in my heart.

After an unknown period of time, he was tired, and his voice gradually decreased.I patted him on the back and said, "Are you sleepy? Do you want to sleep for a while? I'm here."

He paused and shook his head.After a while, he turned over and had no expression on his face.If it weren't for the tear-stained face, there would be nothing to prove that he had cried hysterically in my arms just now.

He cleared his throat, his voice was hoarse, it was just shouting.

"You haven't had dinner yet," he said.

"Ah?" I froze for a moment, "Forget it, I'm not in the mood."

"I'll get you something to eat." He was about to get up when he said that, and I held him down, "Don't...no need."

He said, "You asked me to do something."

I felt relieved and let him go.

He got up and went to the kitchen, and I was in a daze listening to the clanging sound in the kitchen.He didn't do anything very complicated, he simply made some porridge, shredded green onions and lean meat.When the aroma came out, he was holding his shoulders and looking at the pot in a daze. I don't know if it was my illusion. After he had a panic attack in front of me, his whole body revealed a sense of relaxation and exhaustion like a broken pot.Seeing me coming out of the bedroom, he smiled sadly and said softly, "Sit down, I want to talk to you a few words."

I sat down against the wall.He turned his back to me, fiddling with this and that, and said in a low hoarse voice: "You can also see that I am not the same as before. I am very emotional, and even have some... diseases, which I started with They are all trying to hide it from you, but you already guessed it, right?"

"Hmm." My heart beat suddenly a little faster, and I really wanted to smoke a cigarette.

He smiled and said: "I want to have a good relationship with you, so I should tell you these things from the beginning, but I dare not. I try to hide these things. This is a very selfish and cowardly behavior."

He said: "You asked me why, but I didn't answer you directly. You want to go back with me, don't you? You will probably know when you go back."

"At that time, you can decide whether you want to be with me, Lu Huai."

He said: "I tried my best, but there is no way, I may... There is no way to change back to the original, the way you liked."

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