Dear Chen Jiu

I was dizzy, and I didn't know how I got back to the box in the end.

After Chen Jiu said that in my ear, he opened the door and left, leaving me alone in a daze. When I returned to the box, Lao Xiao and Lu Yuan were sitting on the sofa singing love songs duet.

Chen Jiu also sang a song before the end, but my sanity has not returned, it stayed in the dark safe passage... I vaguely remember that Chen Jiu sang a slow-paced English song that day.

After returning home that night, Chen Jiu went to the storage room to get his luggage. I remembered that he said that he would go out of town tomorrow. I followed him back to the bedroom to watch him pack his clothes.

"How long are you going?" I leaned against the door and asked him.

This is the first time I have encountered Chen Jiu going out since I moved in. In fact, it is normal for an art student to go out for inspection, but I feel very lost in my heart. I am used to seeing this person every day when I go home.

Chen Jiu didn't answer me, but continued to arrange the clothes at hand.

I chased after him, "Do you want to collect wind in such a cold day?"

Chen Jiu put down the half-arranged clothes in his hand and looked back at me.

"I'm just asking, if you don't come back, can I sleep in your room? It's very cold."

I made an excuse.

"Go for a week and play the game."

Chen Jiu said and walked towards me.

"Then I can sleep--"

"No."

Before I could finish speaking, he came over and shut me out.

It was stingy, it was okay before, why not now?If you say no, then you can’t. I’ll still sleep when you leave.

When I lay down on the bed, the kiss from KTV was playing in loop like a movie in my mind.

I couldn't see Chen Jiu's appearance in the dark, but I remember our lips and teeth were intertwined, our breaths intertwined, and I remembered all the feelings at that moment.

'Didi-'

I was woken up by the notification sound of the mobile phone information, it was from Lao Xiao.

--Tell me honestly, are you two busy tonight?

No way, did Lao Xiao install a surveillance camera on me?

--how you said that?

--You fucking fart I can smell what you ate.

--Then you have really strong taste.

--Be honest and don't change the subject.

--we kissed.

--! ! ? ?

It’s no wonder that Lao Xiao was shocked. I was shocked when I typed these words.

--Xiao Gu, is it true that he also has feelings for you, but you didn't realize it?

……

I didn’t know if it was because of what Lao Xiao said that night. I had a very strange dream. I dreamed that I was standing at the door of Chen Jiu’s bedroom, and I wanted to wake him up. door, it opens automatically.

Looking at the charming room, one can see that a love affair has just happened in this room, and the room is filled with the atmosphere of lust. There are two people hugging each other on the bed, accompanied by the rough panting of the person under them, they should have just finished a relationship. Hard sex, with tissues all over the floor and condoms strewn about reminding me of what just happened here.

I froze on the spot and didn't dare to go forward, so I could only peek at the two faces reflected in the mirror of the cabinet...

The one who lost his lust and looked lazily at the mirror was already out of the picture. This face was so familiar to me day and night, and the other was lying on the bed with a flushed face and was panting non-stop. The person who was deeply in lust and couldn't extricate himself was actually me. Own…

I woke up from the dream, my lower body was sticky, I took the phone and saw that it was already 8 o'clock, I rushed to the bathroom to take a shower.

Chen Jiu is leaving today. After taking a shower, I went to the kitchen to make an appointment to cook porridge, and then went downstairs to buy some breakfast.

When he returned home, Chen Jiu had finished washing, changed his clothes, and put his luggage by the door. Looking at this ascetic face, he inexplicably thought of the dream he had last night, and his face felt hot in winter. , this feeling is too weird.

Chen Jiu frowned and looked at me, "Have a fever?"

"Ah, I just ran upstairs.

I bought breakfast, you can leave after eating. "

I change the subject.

Chen Jiu didn't question it, but just answered the phone.

I was afraid that he was going to leave in a hurry, so I had to put the breakfast I took out back into the plastic bag.

I don't know what was said on the other end of the phone, Chen Jiu said 'hmm' twice and then hung up.

"Let's eat on the way."

I stuffed him with breakfast, "Are you leaving now?"

Chen Jiu turned off his mobile phone, and sat back at the dining table with a bag of breakfast, "Finish and leave."

******

I stood by the window of the living room, blowing the cold wind outside, and watched Chen Jiu get into a commercial vehicle, and the car drove farther and farther...

Unsurprisingly, I suffered from insomnia that night. I turned on the light and walked around the room again and again, and finally opened Chen Jiu's bedroom door without fear of death.

The bed was made neatly, so I shouldn't be noticed after sleeping all night. Anyway, the shower gel we use all smells the same.

For two days in a row, I was listless. I went to school at the right time every day. After class, I just found a classroom to sit and play with my mobile phone. After the day’s class was over, I took a taxi to go home.

Yan Xu asked me what happened, how did I become a walking dead.

I said my brother went to a field game.

Yan Xu rolled his eyes at me and said that I looked like I was dumped by a girlfriend who had been dating for several years, and my eyes were dull.

On the third day, I received a call in English class from Qingjiang's number.

After I pressed it and thought about it, I went to the toilet and went back. After I connected, a gentle female voice sounded, hello, please wait a moment.

The phone was handed over to another person, and a familiar voice came from Wang Jin.

He was sobbing intermittently on the other end of the phone, and the order of his words was not coherent, and my heart suddenly rose.

"Don't worry, speak slowly, what happened?"

"Gu... woo woo woo... Zong... woo woo... Grandma Yuan...she..."

"Grandma... what's wrong with grandma?" My voice was shaking badly.

"died."

Like a thunderbolt from the blue, I had tinnitus for a moment.

"Then...have you contacted Chen Jiu?"

"My grandma just called him...he's on his way back."

I didn't go back to the classroom, I went straight out of the school gate and took a taxi back to Qingjiang.

It was so sudden. We have kept in touch with grandma since this period of time, and she looks fine in the video, so why suddenly...

I leaned against the car window with an extreme sense of unreality, just dreaming.

I closed my eyes and opened them again, and swiped open the phone. The last call was still the number of the nurse in the hospital.

"Young man, are you okay? Are you uncomfortable, do you need me to open the window to get some air?" the driver said.

I glanced at myself in the rearview mirror, my face was pale and my forehead was covered with sweat.

I opened the dialog box with Chen Jiu, and the last message was sent by me in the morning: Good morning, a new day, two days before I go home "Sahua.jpg".

I can't imagine Chen Jiu's reaction now. Everything was fine in the morning, so why did it suddenly become like this? I held my phone, deleted, deleted, edited, and finally sent him a message.

-I'm rushing to the hospital now, call me if you need anything.

……

When I arrived downstairs in the emergency room, Wang Jin was sitting at the gate with his knees hugged, his eyes swollen to the point where there was only a slit left.

"Is Chen Jiu here?"

Wang Jin nodded, "He told me to wait for you here, he's going through the formalities upstairs, and my aunt is here too."

I was so weak that I stepped forward and touched Wang Jin's head, but I couldn't say a word of comfort.

"Let's go up."

At least this time I want to be by Chen Jiu's side.

I saw Aunt Wu at the top of the stairs. She said that grandma's health began to deteriorate rapidly this year, and the cancer cells had spread to the lungs, but they kept it from Chen Jiu. Live from day to day.

When Xiao Wu went to grandma's house this morning, grandma was lying on the bed and was unconscious. She was sent to the hospital for rescue, but the doctor said it was a sudden death from pulmonary embolism.

Aunt Wu called Chen Jiu immediately, and he rushed back immediately.

I saw Chen Jiu in the aisle of the hospital where people came and went. He was sitting on a chair with his head bowed, and his body was filled with a depressed breath. He just sat there tiredly, isolated from the crowd in the aisle of the hospital.

When I sat beside him, he didn't respond. I tugged at the hem of his clothes and said softly, I'm here.

I grabbed his hand, easier than ever, and his hand was icy cold.

He seemed to have just reacted, turned his head to look at me, his eyes were bloodshot, and his eyes were ethereal and empty.

But I felt his pain, silent and unspeakable sadness.

I run my hand down his back, hoping he'll feel my presence, that I'll be there whether he needs it or not, and he'll never be alone.

"Chen Jiu, Aunt Wu said...it was when she was sleeping...Grandma," I held that hand tightly, "maybe it won't hurt."

Chen Jiu just kept silent for a long time, he let me drip tears on the back of his hand, let me say some endless words, I wiped away my tears, and kept following his back, obviously it was me I was crying, but I comforted others first.

Until he patted me on the back and said hoarsely, "I'm going to go through the formalities."

On that day, Chen Jiu ran around quietly in the hospital, a place he used to be very familiar with, going through the formalities and contacting the funeral parlor.

There were no relatives in his family, and the final farewell ceremony was very simple.

Lao Xiao and Lu Yuan also came, and the farewell ceremony was held in a small hall of the funeral home. I looked at the grandma lying there, and my mind was full of the gentle and kind old lady.

Whichever comes first, tomorrow or the accident, only when you really realize it can you feel the cruelty of this sentence.

We followed Chen Jiu home in a rented van, and Chen Jiu walked in the front holding the urn. This was the most helpless and painful one of all the backs of Chen Jiu I have seen.

That day Chen Jiu sat in grandma's room with the urn in his arms all night. We were separated by a door. He was inside and I was outside. I knew he needed space to be alone, so I didn't bother him.

The concrete floor in the living room is icy cold, and the cold air seems to rise slowly from the bottom of my heart instead of the soles of my feet. The winter in the south is far colder than I imagined.

But I didn't hear Chen Jiu's cry from the beginning to the end outside the door, no matter whether it was suppressed or burst out...