Wrong body

October 1, overcast

The three mountains have been uneven recently.I watched on TV that the stock market was in turmoil, and people went bankrupt and jumped off buildings every day.Zhiyuan has been at home less often this month, so he should be busy dealing with Huanyu's affairs.They have been fighting for power with the Gao family for several years, and it is at a critical moment.Zhiyuan never mentioned business matters to me, and I only got to know something by asking my father and reading newspapers.Dad said that the Gao family is difficult to deal with, especially their head Gao Yongpei.Dad had dealt with that person several times, and said that if he could, he didn't want to offend him at all.

I called Zhiyuan on the phone.He usually likes to listen to me nagging about the trivial things in life, but today he is obviously distracted. I called his name many times and he didn't respond.I hung up the phone angrily, and called back immediately.He didn't say anything, he just told me to take care of myself and it's best not to go out in the near future.

……

October 2, overcast

Zhiyuan is here.His complexion is not good-looking, let me sit with him in the garden for a while when we get home.I have rarely seen him so silent, and it is inevitable to worry.But he reassured me that it was all right, pointed to the oleander in the corner and asked me if I thanked me again.I said yes, oleander only blooms in summer and autumn every year, and needs a rest in winter to prepare for the next year.

In fact, these two plants died a few months ago.But I didn't say it.I don't want Zhi Yuan to want to hear this.He held my hand and didn't speak for a long time.I wanted to ask him something again, but found that he was asleep.I looked at his sleeping face and found that he actually had a few white hairs growing on his temples. It was not like this a few months ago. He must have worked very hard recently.I sat with him until midnight and coughed a few times.He woke up, a little guilty, told me to go back quickly, and told me not to worry, his business is almost over, and he will come to see me again after it is over.

……

May 4, light rain

After more than two months, I finally saw Zhiyuan again.

The moment I saw him, I had a thought: This man is no longer my Zhiyuan.That is Chen Zhiyuan of Huanyu, the ruthless executioner of the business world, Chen Zhiyuan.But not my Chen Zhiyuan.Chen Zhiyuan, who quarreled with me to see me angry, and Chen Zhiyuan, who got wet in the rain and looked for me.Not anymore.This premonition has been around for a long time, and the moment I found out, I was not particularly surprised.Maybe I've noticed it since the second or third week when I couldn't contact him.Dad also sounded the alarm with me, saying that after the negotiation between Huanyu and Xinlihe, Zhiyuan stayed at Gao's house for a month, and there were many rumors.I have survived to this day with a bit of luck, and I was completely crushed by Zhiyuan's visit: he said he was getting married, with Gao Yongpei.

We had a conversation in the garden, and that was not a conversation, Zhiyuan was talking alone.I didn't know what to say after listening, so I asked him if the wedding date had been set.He agreed on the [-]th of next month.I counted the days, only about twenty days.I asked if it was because of Huanyu.He nodded and said sorry, I am the only son of the Chen family, and I have the responsibility on my shoulders.

There are so many words in Chinese that can be used to prevaricate, but I don't want to hear this sentence I'm sorry.For a moment, I really want to say, Chen Zhiyuan, you have to wait until June, maybe you can see a new round of flowering of oleander.But in the end I swallowed it all back, and I said I understand, since you have made a good choice, then so be it.But Zhiyuan, I think you know clearly that I don't blame you, and I don't hate you either.I asked him again if he would come to my coming-of-age ceremony, and I will be full this June.Zhiyuan didn't look at me, he said no, he couldn't come, he should spend honeymoon with Gao Yongpei at that time.I said yes, got it.

"Happy newlyweds to you" I really can't say it.Father, I am reflecting.I can't be a generous person.

……

Sunny September 5

Zhi Yuan, miss you happy.

……

January 6, cloudy

up.My parents and sister-in-law Ming all wished me a happy birthday.good day.

Reflection: Don't lie.

……

October 6, overcast

19 years old.This year, I will only find time to write in my diary.I often go on blind dates recently, and my father is very anxious about my marriage.But I seem to have a disease, every alpha's face is blurry, and I don't know why.

Long time no see Zhiyuan.In the past year, I deliberately didn't think about him, but when I closed my eyes before going to bed, his face was always in my mind.I heard that he is not going well in Gao's house.For an alpha to be inferior to others, and even have children, it must be very painful for him who is so proud.

Lord, I beseech you, spare him the trouble.If the suffering cannot fade away, please impose it on me, and I am willing to suffer for him.

……

September 11, sunny

I received an invitation today from the Gao family, inviting me to their dance at the end of the month.I can meet Zhiyuan now!Although the occasion was inappropriate, I've been wanting to see him like crazy for months.I'll be there!forgive me lord forgive me...

……

October 11, overcast

A quick stroke.The car is waiting for me outside.When I see him, I always dress up beautifully, just like when I bought a fashionable sun hat just for him.It took a lot of effort today, and my mother praised me for looking good.Great, I want him to see me beautiful and unforgettable.

……

April 12

Fang Jie loves Chen Zhiyuan!Fang Jie loves Chen Zhiyuan!Fang Jie loves Chen Zhiyuan!Fang Jie loves Chen Zhiyuan!Fang Jie loves Chen Zhiyuan!Fang Jie loves Chen Zhiyuan!Fang Jie loves Chen Zhiyuan!Fang Jie loves Chen Zhiyuan!

……

April 12

Lord, save me, save me.

……

April 12

Fang Jie loves Chen Zhiyuan.

Fang Jie loves Chen Zhiyuan.

Fang Jie loves Chen Zhiyuan.

Fang Jie loves Chen Zhiyuan.

Fang Jie loves Chen Zhiyuan.

……

April 12

Fang Jie loves Chen Zhiyuan.

……

January 12, cloudy

I have been thinking for many days, and I have calmed down a lot, and decided to write down the matter in its entirety.This diary is the only place where I can leave the truth. I must record all the true feelings in my waking life, lest one day I will succumb to my biology and forget those things.

I had a fever for the past few days and was bedridden. I finally realized what my father meant by reflection.If people don't remember their lessons, they will repeat the mistakes they made.The Lord saves everyone, I need to reflect and be forgiven by the Lord.

reflect.reflect.But first of all I don't regret going to that dance, it was the best two hours of my life.When I met Zhiyuan, he was thinner, but he was as handsome as the first time I saw him.I looked back at my diary today and found that I didn’t write down that I loved his looks on the day I met him. I’m really a dishonest person, maybe I should reflect on this.

I don't regret dancing with Ji Won either.He found me in the crowd and took my hand.We can't talk, dozens of eyes are watching us at the ball, we can only dance.When he invited me, he only asked Miss Fang Jie, can you dance with me.I said yes, very honored.Heart said Zhiyuan, I still love you.

We dance, and we don't stop when one song ends.We did a few dances.We didn't separate until the eyes on the court were inquiring about us for too long and hugged each other through dancing.Before parting, Zhiyuan asked me to wait for him.I was a little tired at first, but the dance waiter brought me champagne and a note, and Zhiyuan asked me to meet in the rest room.Of course I will go, Zhiyuan may have something to say to me.I waited for a long time, but I didn't wait for Zhiyuan, I waited for another person.

... I must write on.

It was Gao Yongpei who entered the rest room.I don't know him well, and I haven't even spoken a word to him.He came in, saw me, nodded to me, and said hello, Miss Fang.Before I could ask and answer, I felt a continuous reaction in my body.I'm in love.

I need to record, I need to record...

I'm not the kind of person who is not cautious and will remember the day of estrus by mistake.That shouldn't have happened today.But I still carried the inhibitor, and when I took it out, it fell to the ground.The two tubes of inhibitors rolled down to Gao Yongpei's feet. He took a look and said to me, Miss Fang, are you in heat.I asked him to pick it up for me and left the room.He didn't listen.He crushed the two tubes of suppressant.

When alpha and omega are in the same room, when their pheromones are as high as animals, there is no room for reason and thinking.I call out to the Lord, but the Lord cannot hear me.So I begged for help, begged for mercy, but in the end even if I bit my tongue, Alpha didn't let me go.

For the next few days, I had a hard time controlling myself.The body accepted an alpha instead of the mind, and my instinct was longing for Gao Yongpei's pheromone.I heard from my father that he did stay with me for a few days afterwards to get through the whole estrus period.I am already his omega, Fang Jie is Gao Yongpei's symbol.What should I reflect on?Lose your virginity, or do too many fantasies.But none of it was my fault.The root of my record today is to write this sentence calmly after being possessed by others:

Fang Jie loves Chen Zhiyuan.

……

September 5, sunny

I am pregnant.Ha ha.Ha ha.I have Gao Yongpei's child.

Why can't the Lord hear my voice, I am in pain, I am crying.host!you can't hear me!

……

January 7, cloudy

Zhiyuan is here today.I think Gao Yongpei asked him to come.The relationship between me and Gao Yongpei was shady, he persuaded my father with money (and maybe threats) to let me stay in Fangzhai and give birth to a child.He also fulfilled his responsibilities as an alpha spouse, and came here once a month to accompany me through the estrous/estrus period.I will not beautify this relationship as the kindness of the other party.One day of the month is when Gao Yongpei insults me.

I didn't want Zhiyuan to see me now, so I didn't really see him, and hid behind the curtain to see his figure in the garden.He is thinner.When Mrs. Ming sent him out, he looked up at the direction of my room, and I avoided it. When I looked out again, he had already left.

I can't imagine whether I suffer more or Zhiyuan suffers more.If there is fairness in the world, I think none of us will suffer less than the other, and I should suffer as much as him.

……

May 9, light rain

I've been waking up in the middle of the night a lot these days.When I touched my belly, I couldn't help but press it down. It was getting bigger and bigger every day, but I didn't feel the joy of becoming a mother.

I can only entrust everything to the Lord.

……

September 3, sunny

The child is full moon.When I hug him, I often feel owed.He came to this world pure and innocent, but my love for him has many impurities.Because of my body, he was born small and frail.When Gao Yongpei saw him, he immediately wanted to verify his genes.When the blood was drawn, the child was crying, and he was indifferent. He only reacted after hearing the result that the alpha tendency value was very high. He came over and stroked my hair, saying that it was hard work.

He named the child Yunzhe.It's not a bad name.

……

January 2, cloudy

Yunzhe's first birthday is spent at home.Naturally Gao Yongpei wouldn't come, he asked his brother to bring me something.I didn't meet Gao Yongpei's younger brother very often.In addition to disgust, he looked at me with a little inexplicable emotion.I don't like this guy.But I heard that he married three different alphas, all of which were marked off after divorce.I also wanted to have this operation before, but the doctor refused. The doctor told me that it is very difficult. First, if my body washes away the marks, it may be life-threatening.The second is that the operation needs to be approved by the alpha partner before it can be performed.I mentioned it to Gao Yongpei, and he punished me by letting me spend a estrus alone.He disagrees.

I don't think it's because Gao Yongpei loves me.We meet, do that kind of thing, it's an unspoken transaction.I did it to survive, and Gao Yongpei did it to fulfill my obligations.He never has emotional fluctuations, even if we have marked them, but every time he can start and end very calmly.He is always talking business with others, so I think Gao Yongpei doesn't even love himself, what he loves is his Xinlihe.

……

September 5, sunny

The first thing Yun Zhe will say is mother.Then grandpa and grandma.He can't call Dad, and I don't really want to teach him.

……

February 2, with rain

Yun Zhe is three years old.Zhiyuan came over today with a gift, I talked to him for a few minutes, but he stood far away from me, I think he smelled the pheromone of Gao Yongpei on me.

Zhi Yuan.Now I practice writing his name as much as possible every day, but every time I write it, it becomes more and more unfamiliar.The pheromone domination under the permanent mark made me panic, and I seemed to start to forget my past with him.Fortunately, I have this diary. When my memory is fuzzy, I can still seek the truth from it.

Fang Jie loves Gao (strike out)

Fang Jie loves Chen Zhiyuan.

……

January 4, cloudy

What children are destined to do when they grow up is to ask questions.Yunzhe asked me what kind of flower oleander is, why I never get out of bed, and why he doesn't have a father like everyone on TV.I can't answer all his questions.He is a very good boy. If I don't answer him, he will stop asking and sit in the garden to read a book by himself.I felt that I owed him a lot, that he would have enjoyed more happiness in someone else's family, but in this family, he had only a mother who stayed at home all day, and an unknown father.He couldn't even get out of this Tianmei Mountain.

……

October 11, overcast

Zhiyuan held a birthday party for him and Gao Yongpei's children at Zhenlangxuan.Dad told me not to go, lest I feel uncomfortable.I stayed at home and played chess with Yun Chul.He is nine years old this year, looks very similar to Gao Yongpei, and has almost nothing in common with me.He is very quiet and doesn't like to talk much.Such a young child already knows how to hide his thoughts.Sometimes when I look at him, I feel like I see a copy of Gao Yongpei.This feeling makes me shudder.I am terrified of my own children.

……

August 8st, cloudy to light rain

Gao Yongpei came over today and talked with me about the arrangement for Yun Zhe.He said that Yunzhe was ten years old and he was going to send him overseas to study.I objected at first, Yunzhe is still a child after all, how can he go to a strange place by himself.Gao Yongpei said that this matter has been decided, and the Gao family does not allow cowardly alphas.He and Zhiyuan's child is born with a defect, a sick child, and it is impossible for Xinli and the future to be handed over to this kind of offspring.Yun Zhe is his best choice, so he must go out and accept the ordeal.

For Gao Yongpei, Yun Zhe is not his child.Yun Zhe is one of his objects, a tool.It dawned on me that I had actually thought about this for a long time.What happened at the dance that year was not an accident, it was a trap set by Gao Yongpei for Zhiyuan and me.He found me, marked me, and wanted me to bear him an ideal heir as an omega.There can be no third party in his marriage with Zhiyuan. Zhiyuan wants to maintain the absolute purity of the cooperation between Gao and Chen, and will not allow illegitimate children other than his own children to appear.And if there is any omega in this world that can make Zhiyuan give up this bottom line.It can only be me.Zhiyuan will never hurt me.

Having maintained this disgusting partnership with Gao Yongpei for ten years, I finally realized what kind of person he is: he has no feelings, he only uses them.He can send his brother to every alpha who is interested, he can threaten Zhiyuan with the life and death of Huanyu, and he can also make Yunzhe the heir model he wants at will.And me, of course me, the perfect and safest victim.I can't say anything.Zhiyuan is not safe in Gao's house.Gao Yongpei would repeat this sentence to me every time he saw me.He said that Chen Zhiyuan has been doing well recently.

Lord, I pray to you that if you are merciful to the world, burn the demons that hide in it.

……

September 10, sunny

Reading the tabloids today, one of the essays is quite interesting, here are one or two excerpts.

"Shegong Mountain was originally just a mound in the North District, and it is all thanks to She Xiongxiong's insight. This Xiongxiong ordered his army to build large-scale construction projects and fill the sea to create mountains. His residence in the middle of the mountain is magnificent and magnificent, and it is a veritable emperor's house."

"Xiaoxiong is a generation of outstanding people, but it is difficult to see people's hearts. His subordinates rebelled and used kerosene to cause She Gongshan to flood. The emperor's house was burned in a fire. She Xiaoxiong never escaped. Before he died, he prayed to the ghosts and gods for disaster. Be enslaved by this mountain, life after life."

"Today's Shegongshan is already a luxury residential area, and everyone yearns for it. Whether they can afford to buy real estate on Shegongshan has become the criterion for the rich in the three mountains. This old anecdote is not worth mentioning. But the author believes that modern people are too addicted to money, status and power, and domination and slavery are transformed into each other. The curse of the hero is just passed down in another way."

……

September 11, sunny

Thank you for the oleander today, it's time.Flowers have a cycle, and one day they will bloom again, but the flower that blooms again is not the one I have seen.I have only been in this world for more than 30 years. To be arrogant, I may have more experience than many people, but I feel that this richness is painful, but the pain will end.I just miss Yoon Chul who is turning 20 soon.Ten years have passed since the last time we parted.In the first ten years, I was not a good mother and cared too little for him.For the next ten years, I was not by his side either.Will he hate me?Hate it, you should hate it, hating me can make him divert his attention, and if someone absorbs this hatred, maybe he will feel a lot easier.

I asked Mrs. Ming to find Zhiyuan and come over.Zhiyuan and I haven't seen each other for a long time.During these difficult 20 years, I have always resisted the assimilation caused by the permanent mark, trying to maintain emotional independence, but to be honest, the assimilation started a long time ago, and now I can really rely on what I can think of about Zhiyuan. There are very few.But the ones that remain are extremely happy, without the slightest bit of pain mixed in.Zhiyuan taught me many things, all of which are priceless in themselves.Love is immeasurable.

I went for a physical examination last month, and the doctor told me that it would only take half a year at most in my current state.Six months, six months, I may have to see Gao Yongpei six times again, I don't want to see him even once.At the end of this road, I just want to meet Zhiyuan.There are many things to say to him, but the most important thing is not to make him feel too bad about saying goodbye to me.I hope that he will always be happy, no matter how hard it is, I have to find some time to think about some happy things. If the happy things I think of are related to me, I will be satisfied.

I heard Mrs. Ming's voice.Zhiyuan is here, and he is going upstairs.Just finish this last sentence, I have no need to reflect anymore.

Fang Jie loves Chen Zhiyuan.Be consistent and never stop.

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