coward

Brother Luo is very busy today, Brother Luo is going to collect files today.

I went to the small pond, I told my brother, and I told my boyfriend.

I am very obedient.

There are many weeds by the small pond, the sun is baking the dogtail grass by the pond, and the little frogs are jumping around, but it is not too hot.

The world is actually pretty cute sometimes.

But sometimes I really don't feel it.

He finally went to prison, 25 years.

Brother Luo often says I'm cute, and I'm really fucking cute, ha.Brother always regards me as the little boy in his heart.

I am bad, blame the child.

In fact, I am not as worthy of passionate love as the two of them think.

On my 14th birthday, my brother gave me a knife.

This brother is so fucked up, I gave my brother a knife as a birthday present.

He said to learn to protect yourself.

The younger brother was even worse, the knife had been in his pocket for many years, and he was the first to see blood on his body.

Chest, waist, upper arms, ribs...all the places that don't have to be exposed and won't be discovered.

Self-harm hurts.

But also the most sober.

Suicide is an escape and a relief, but I can't.

I wanted to die, from the moment I found out my dad killed my mom.

Didn't mom want me?

Don't I have parents?

Doesn't my dad love my mom?

Wasn't I the child who was lifted up by my father and put on my neck and hunched up and laughed?

My dad has always been my hero.

The ears of wheat do not touch my chest, and the evening wind in the field is better than thousands of tenderness.

There is a lot of silt at the bottom of the pond, and there is a slimy layer of various algae floating on it. Looking up from the bottom, it is dark.

I have half a shallow scar on my wrist. Brother Luo asked about it. I said that I was too naughty when I was a child, and I got it from a tree branch.Because it's really shallow.

So, I changed the place, the left side of the chest, near the heart.

The second time is on the back.

The third time was on the ribs.

The fourth time is the thigh.

The fifth time... the fifth time was on the upper arm, I forgot, there are so many scars here, I can't remember clearly.

The sixth time... Forget it, I really can't remember.

Pain is the only way to mask pain.

I'm not sick, am I?Everyone should have their own way of conditioning, but I am different.Probably?

I must live.

Live in pain and suffering.

He also has to pay the price.

Brother, if I leave, no one would have guessed that this fierce-looking person would start to rot inside when he was a child.

I'll live on, rotten child.

……

I turned over to my mother's skirt that day.

Old, yellow, and full of dry, stinking blood.

There is a small trough by the wall, and I hid mung bean cakes in it when I was very young, but in the end I found out that it was the tragedy of that gentle and pleasant woman.

She was kidnapped.

Suffered from everything.

It turned out that when I was a child, I always thought it was very fun and safe. The iron fence was our cage. The father who only appeared at night was a devil, and my mother could not perform magic tricks. Moldy steamed buns were not delicious. Home.

You said why the child is so stupid, can't hear her grievances, can't understand his disguise.

He galloped on my mom, right in front of me.

My mother covered her mouth to stop the screaming.

I was born that way, and I thought I was happy.

She had a yellowing diary, which was also full of mystery in my childhood, because it only appeared when Dad was away.

Mom never let me touch it.

She is very weak and suffers from headaches and coughs whenever the weather changes.

She will hold me and cry.

Why doesn't she run away?

I am still asking myself.

It's okay to leave me behind.

Why are children so stupid!

Stupid kid grows up and stumbles upon all the filth and cover-up.

There was still nothing he could do.

Maybe I'm as dirty and rascal as my dad, I don't have proof, so I waited years.

Ignore all his behaviors that violate the bottom line of the law, let him leave indelible evidence on me, let him steal something to commit crimes, and watch him become addicted.

Time is punishment, and after punishing my mother, it comes to punish me.

I thought I would fall forever, immersed in darkness.

Who knew that there was a person who stepped on my shell with a particularly arrogant foot.

In the alley that day, the knife was only one centimeter away from the man's heart.

Only one centimeter, the knife will see blood, maybe I will become a murderer like my father.

At the last moment, he called me.

In an instant I regretted it.

Before he came to me, I hid the knife in the corner of the alley behind me.

Don't be seen by him.

I was hugged by him, as if being held in my heart.

Let me indulge my imagination this time.

I later retrieved the knife.

I no longer carry it with me all the time.

I am afraid that he will see my wounds, that he will find out my secrets, that he will be too close to me and that he will be too far away from me.

I like him.

But he didn't know.

He can't know either.

I just want to see him every day.

He is so dazzling, I can see it at a glance in the crowd.

He is very good, and everyone in Class [-] loves to get in touch with him.

His hands are big, with well-defined joints, and he can hug me.

I am far away from him.

I'm afraid of too much contact with others, and I'm afraid that others will show a different expression.

I never dared to think that Li Xiluo would belong to me.

That day when he said he liked me, his voice was trembling.

I am afraid that I will be happy for nothing, and even more afraid that it is my illusion.

His breath was so hot it was burning me.

Don't even think about running away, don't even think about letting me go if you pick me up.

I remember crying when he first said to take me home.

I didn't want to cry.

Don't blame me.

My brother is very busy, running around earning money to support the family, and no one ever said that he would take me home.

My brother knew him, and after hearing about the two of them, I felt that everything was so inexplicable.

The elder brother and the two seem to be very familiar with each other, and they always hurt each other.

Brother called him Li Ergou.Ha ha.

That night when he came to eat hotpot in the store, he took off his coat, revealing a white T-shirt and short sleeves, I was a little afraid to look at him.He was very close to me, and when he spoke, he spit out hot air on my face, and I couldn't restrain my blushing.

He seemed to be drunk, I drank more than half of a white glass, and got closer to him with the help of alcohol.

I'm not drunk and I don't want to be drunk.

I want to watch him for a while longer, and I want to keep every minute and every second in my mind.

His arm was next to mine, he was wearing short sleeves, but the heat from his body surrounded me all the time, I looked up at him, and reached out to grab the hem of his clothes.

The moment I held it, I felt a shock in my heart.

He stretched out his hand and tugged at his clothes, but refused to let him pull. I was a little aggrieved.

I am drunk.

I didn't let go.

He smiled and rubbed my head.

His hands are warm.

He bought me a fairy wand, who are you kidding? Children only play with it.

He also said it was a fairy stick.

He gave me New Year's money as if I were a child.

He whispered something in my ear, which I couldn't hear clearly.

At that moment, through the light of fireworks, I seemed to see the tears in his eyes.

Have problems with your eyes too?

He said happy new year.

Happy, you too, brother Luo.

There is half a piece of tinfoil cigarette paper in the red envelope, with hot New Year wishes written on it.

I put the cigarette paper between my nose and sniffed, it was his smell.

I hid that cigarette paper for a long time, so long that I could no longer smell the cigarette.

I... miss him so much, I stared at his wechat profile picture for a long time.

His head portrait is drawn by himself, the background is a broken building, the setting sun is dusk, the picture is blurred and elongated, falling infinitely, unable to reach the bottom.

I flicked my fingers randomly on the screen, and when I realized it, a small sunflower and a series of dialogues with unknown expressions were displayed on the dialog box.

I can't withdraw it.

I am anxious to cry.

Unexpectedly, he returned to me later, and he was also a little sunflower.

In the future, there will be a lot of small plant expressions.

I watched our chat, how naive!

He taught me to skateboard.

He skated by my side and I felt protected.

My brother can also skateboard, but I haven’t seen him skate much in the past two years, and he never touched it again.

He rolled up his trousers, which were mottled with many scars.

I looked at the wound on his leg, pressed my hand on his chest and asked him if it hurt.

He joked that it hurts, but at that moment the pain seemed to be against his heart.

He seems to hurt himself in order to get rid of something like me.

do not do that.

He said see you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow, I have said many times, I have hope for tomorrow.

We often chat and call recently, and this feeling of being so close makes me feel secret and longing.

He called me that day, I said something wrong, and he stopped talking, what should I do?

I seemed to hear his rapid breathing, he hung up after saying a few words, I was very annoyed at myself, why did he hang up.

After a long time, he sent a voice message.

A dumb good night.

he looks like……

Should not think.

Can't even think about it.

I held the world in my hands that day.

Did he kiss me?

He said he likes me.

I stared at his lips to see if I had heard correctly.

like.

Is the world turned upside down?

He likes me.

I didn't want to cry.

But he asked if he could like me too.

How am I worth it.

He coaxed people so softly, and when the delicate kiss fell, I seemed to be buried in the wind.

You don't want to run away.

I kissed, with the boy who only dared to look carefully.

I was willful in his gentleness, and he gently accepted the sadness I brought.

I didn't want to cry.

His kiss is strong and cyan, I want to escape.

He smiled at me and hugged me tightly in his arms.

I surrendered, wanting to drown in this harsh winter like a winter cicada, and want to be reborn in his warm embrace.

He likes to hold my hand, tightly, holding, wrapping, childish, gentle, exchanging warmth and throbbing with me every time.

Boyfriends are also shy when kissing.

It turned out that a kiss that confessed that day exhausted all the courage of a big boy.

Most of the time, he gave me a shallow kiss, and when he was emotional, he would comfort me nervously when his teeth collided.When I laughed at him, he would bite my lip lightly and pinch my earlobe punitively.

Boyfriends are cute.

I saw him again today, for the second time this month.

My dad is following us.

I don't know what he wants to do.But some, he can't touch.

I was running around like a headless chicken, and today I saw my dad following him!

I have no way.

That day I reported the gambling den that I haven't figured out yet.

Are you punishing me again?

he got hurt.

Why.

At that moment, great regret filled my heart.

I didn't expect him to come out of that place and lay an ambush in advance. What went wrong!

My boy frowned in pain as the blood trickled from the back of his head like it was peeling me off.

Brother Luo's mother is very beautiful, but in front of her, I have no reason or right to argue or even speak.

The murderer's son wants to be nice to his son?

Dream it.

No, I will destroy him.

My boyfriend is great.

I really like him.

But we are gay, destined not to be blessed and recognized.

Don't stay with me.

leave me alone.

Live your life well.

His future does not need me.

He kissed me viciously, as if chewing up what I just said.

His eyes were so red, I wanted him to tear me apart at that moment.

Perhaps, this way I can still be taken by his side.

But the boyfriend is not cruel at all, he comes to coax him when he bites someone, he coaxes him even if he speaks loudly, and the soft kisses make people feel soft and wronged in his heart.

Why is this person like this.

Don't blame me.

He is so nice.

I pull the person in my hand so I don't want to run away.

I threw myself into his arms and told him that we would not be separated. He hugged me tightly and held me tightly in his arms.

……

My brother got angry and ignored us.We were so angry.

Finally, when school started, I went into the dormitory and saw that he had cut his hair.Made it the first day of school.

handsome.

My boyfriend is so handsome.

Hey.

I had an exam today, and he was so unhappy that he kept pushing into my arms.I said he was like a dog. He bared his teeth fiercely and kissed me fiercely on the face.

He said, um, your own dog has been pulled hard, or it will be abducted by someone.

I also kissed him fiercely.

Don't give a shit about anyone, what's mine is mine.

Who did someone say he had a crush on recently?

? ? ? ! ! !

WTF?

I feel like a husband who complained about his girlfriend cheating on me when I stood on the stool and pushed him against the wall and kissed him hard and asked him who he had a crush on.

He looked at me and raised his eyebrows, smiling happily.

Don't laugh.

So embarrassing.

I'm just pretty cool, I just can't bear to eat the candy he gave me.

It's gone after eating.

That night in the alley, he kissed deeply, as if he wanted to rub someone into his arms.

He chuckled lightly, put his earlobe in his mouth and said, if there is no brother Luo, I will buy it again, and there will always be some.

……

I got into a fight with Gu Yiwei, and he ignored me.

All my pretense and cover-ups were exposed.

He saw the side of me that I least wanted him to see.

It's getting foggy.

I never thought that those secrets that are unknown and pervasive in the world will be told again.

It's like this again, every time I face him, as long as it's him, I will obediently confide everything.

He patted my back and said don't cry, don't cry, he is here, and then said that boys can cry too.

The boyfriend is gentle and clumsy, and he can't even coax others.

He still wants to be a man, annoying.

He was not angry when he spoke, but his hands lingered on me again, leaving his marks on me forcefully and gently.

Like imprint and also like overlay.

He cried while kissing.

Hold my head and don't let it move.

Don't cry, I hold him tightly.

I'm yours.

I say.

His tears became hotter.

……

I suppressed the scream that welled up in my throat and leaned into his arms to pant.

He said don't be afraid.

I am not afraid.

I begged for mercy and wanted to drown in his arms.

The momentary stimulation made my tears well up, I bit his shoulder and called him Tian Cen, and he grunted.

I saw that his eyes were very red, and there was a deadly aggression in them.

He asked me to call him Tian Cen over and over again, and we indulged in cuddling.

He was like a little beast, tightly locked my arms in his arms, exclusive and sharp, but buried his head in my arms and sobbed softly.

I always thought Tian Cen was dead.

He said.

No, Brother Cen is always there.

I told him.

He took me into his arms, held me, and locked me.

Tian Cen died and was reborn on an ordinary night.

From now on this name belongs to me only.

I am alone.

……

Zhao Xin's foot was injured, and this incident made us feel very uncomfortable.

Everyone knows what that means.

I sprayed his perfume, wanting to keep his smell on me, but afraid that others would know.

I wish I was his taste.

We jumped the school wall!My brother has already come to school, and my brother almost stared at both of us.

He said he would rot in the mud.

I said no, because we were going ashore together.

Chen Jingyue, Zhao Xin and the others found out that we are related.I felt like the blood in me was flowing backwards.

How to do.

Originally, I thought things would get out of hand, but I didn't expect it to be very peaceful in the end.

Whether it's me or a few of them.

How lucky I am.

Zhao Xin sent me a photo of the two of us nervously holding hands and confessing. I have always saved it in my mobile phone. Every time I see this photo, I feel that I have regained my courage and strength.

The moldy kid bought a small cake, fruit flavored.

It's delicious.

The flower persisted for a week, and was finally taken away by him.

Come on, it's all dry.

The college entrance examination is over.

My brother must think we are fucked up.

Are you going to have a long-distance relationship?

I am scared.

Brother Luo is going to separate from me?

……

It was like a dream. When I woke up, I was surrounded by a pond of reeds. The dogtail grass swayed gently in the wind, and the wind from the field caressed my face through the green leaves.

"What are you doing?"

There was a cold sound from behind, full of ice and fear.

The author has something to say: There are always people looking for stability on the edge of pain.