sunk into the earth

The man bent down, gathered the potato chips on the ground with both hands, and packed them into the packaging bag. His movements were a little slow, and it took him almost 10 minutes to pack all the potato chips on the ground into the packaging bag.

Cheng Sheng on the side didn't come back to his senses, and the rustling movement of the man's hands didn't affect his steady line of sight at all. He looked at the opposite window like he was looking at his lover, with a relief on his face after a sudden realization. .

The man wrapped the package of potato chips and a bag of pills in his arms, looked at Cheng Sheng thoughtfully, and said with emotion: "You are quite enlightened? It's a pity that no one told me back then, otherwise I wouldn't have Procrastinating until now. While your parents are young and still able to withstand the stimulation, be selfish and end your own pain, otherwise you will be like me after a few more years of delay."

Cheng Sheng ignored him, instead he straightened up and walked to the window, putting his whole face against the glass window and looking down.

Seeing that he was so obsessed, the man shook his head and walked towards his ward, talking to himself constantly on the way: "Young man, young man, I have given you some advice, you should thank me very much."

Not a while after he left, Cheng Sheng moved his face away from the glass window, went to the bathroom, adjusted his hospital gown, and returned to his ward.

The companion bed in this ward is not simple compared to other wards, but it is far worse than the grand bed in the mother's bedroom at home.The mother was lying on her side in the accompanying bed, snoring slightly because of being overworked taking care of the patients these days, but it was very light. Cheng Sheng felt that the slight snoring was not only not annoying, but had a soothing ability.

He walked slowly to his mother's bed and said in a low voice, "Mom, I'm leaving."

His mother only showed him half a side face, and a few strands of hair fell down from that half side face, with half of the newly grown white hair tucked inside. Cheng Sheng once thought it was a lie, and looked at his mother half a day ago. The white-haired man smiled and said, "Is half black and half white popular this year? How did you dye it?"

The mother picked up the scarf next to the bed and covered her hair, hiding her strange hair in the scarf, lowered her head not to look at her son, and whispered, "Don't look."

Cheng Sheng's smile froze on his face, and he looked carefully, and found that his mother's well-maintained face had several deep wrinkles, and her cheeks were sunken like the bottom of a valley. turn around.

Cheng Sheng knew that her mother would never go back.

Mom was sound asleep and didn't respond, Cheng Sheng said again: "Mom, I'm leaving."

This time he didn't wait for his mother's answer, turned around and walked to the window sill, opened the curtains, looked down calmly, and said to the dark space outside: "I have found my answer."

I have found my own answer, and I finally understand that people have to find themselves first, and then they have answers above themselves.

Cheng Sheng stood upright, put his hand on the window sill, stroked it up and down, and said silently to the air: "Mom, can you listen to me tell you all about myself? I swear this is the last time, let me tell you everything, nothing. Tell you without reservation. You will understand my answer, because it is my only solution."

Cheng Sheng raised his head and said to the night wind outside the window: "There are two "Is" in my body. The outside is the one I deliberately shaped, and the inside is the purest me. But I still can't realize this. After all, who would deliberately Stripping myself off? But at that dark window, I realized, I have two of me."

So which one is the real me?I don't know, I can't exist on my own, and you are my mirror, and I need you to truly know myself.

So I want to tell you a few mirrors in my life——

My father, he is a leader in the big wave, and he has a clever mind that is far behind me-he has mastered the ability to search for oil and water every time when everyone was poor.

But it is such a person who actually wants me to concentrate on doing research like my uncle.

I also want to talk about my uncle, he is a stuffy nerd, always wearing a pair of thick black-rimmed round eyes, speaking slowly, and treating all students equally.But such an old-fashioned old man with a thick neck who never blush was actually tied up and hung on the beam by the students. They kicked the stool under my uncle's feet and watched him struggling in the air. It was ridiculous like a drowning landlubber. Kick him back and forth.

His students beat him with a whip and yelled at him, "Are you guilty?"

My uncle blushed and didn't speak.

The group of students were even happier seeing him dying. Several of them kicked him in turn, shouting several times louder: "Are you guilty?"

My uncle closed his eyes tightly, still not saying a word.

My dad rushed in from the door at that time, his expression was much more excited than those students, I guess he was pressed on the table by my uncle to learn to write down grudges since he was a child, and when he met, he excitedly gave his elder brother a head kick , leaving a black shoe print on his face.

The eyes of the others lit up, looking at my dad excitedly.My dad might have been infected, so he kicked my uncle in the face fiercely, like a hero in a biography, he waved his arms and shouted: "Are you guilty?"

Hearing a familiar voice, the uncle slowly opened his swollen eyelids. Seeing someone coming, his calm eyeballs shook slightly, and then he laughed and shouted at my dad: "Ruchun, what's my crime? Guilty!" It's you!" His arms were tied behind his back and he couldn't move, but he was as stubborn as he was doing research on weekdays, he twisted his neck around with difficulty, and laughed wildly at everyone: "You are the ones who are guilty!"

This remark made my dad furious. He bent down to pick up a whip from the ground, and slapped it on my uncle's spine. He stared angrily, and shouted to the onlookers: "Cheng Zhiqiu distorts history, tampers with classroom textbooks, and secretly hides the whip." Privately translating reactionary books in foreign languages, all the students present are shining evidence! Are you still not guilty?"

Immediately, cheers erupted around him, and the crowd screamed "fight him" and "confess".

But it was my dad who pleaded guilty in the end.One day ten years later, he knelt at the door of my uncle’s house, kowtowed like a tireless robot, until his forehead bled and pus continued, and he muttered endlessly: “It’s my sin, it’s my fault.” crime……"

These stories that cannot be mentioned were told truthfully from my uncle one night. He took my hand and said to me earnestly: "Shengsheng, I tell you this not to make you resent your father, but to hope that you Keep a vigilant heart at all times, and be vigilant to yourself while being vigilant to others.”

But I was only 15 years old at that time, and I saw a kind of open-mindedness and relief in his deep-set eyes, but I couldn't understand the reason behind it.I didn't even want to think too much, so I ran out of the yard and asked Qin Xiao and Chang Xin to watch a movie together.

The three of us snuggled together that day and watched a romantic movie with erotic meaning. I was hot all over but had nowhere to go. I didn’t know the name and source of the heat source in my body, let alone where it belonged. It hides in my heart like an imprisoned monster, waiting for the right time to break through my body.

At that time, I didn't know what I was, I just thought I was abnormal, and I no longer dared to look at the male actors on the screen, desperately suppressing it.Seeing me looking at the screen and covering my crotch uncomfortably, Qin Xiao thought I was dreaming about plump actresses, and winked at me in the dark, deliberately avoided Chang Xin, and whispered in my ear: "You look stupid? That's a commotion Hormones are desire, desire!"

I'm confused, what is desire?Is it hormones?Is it instinct?Are you curious?or love?

I couldn't find any proper words to explain it until it all fell on one person.

That person is Zhang Chen, I have described him to countless people, my diary, the threshold in front of my bedroom door, my psychiatrist...

So where do I describe him now?What does he look like?his character?Habits he doesn't know about?Or his dark side and hidden proclivities?

Neither, I would say his mother.

It was a woman who was the complete opposite of my mother, short and thin, with a face but no temperament at all.I first met her on a rainy night when her son and I had our first kiss.Those drowsy eyes lit up when they touched me, and she stared at me without blinking, from the strands of my hair down to my chin, when her eyes moved to my wrist When I was giving away my Rolex, I clearly saw her secretly swallow her saliva, and there was a light in her eyes that I couldn't understand at the time.

Now I understand, that look is also called desire.

Her son also desires me, although their desires are completely different.

When Zhang Chen was a child, he always liked to flip through those annoying textbooks in my university. He couldn’t understand them at that time, but he cherished them in his arms. eyes.

And now, he loves touching my cheeks and the wounds where I hurt myself.I know he must love me, would you touch the cheek of someone who doesn't love me?Zhang Chen will definitely not.

Of course, I love him equally, and I firmly believe that there are only two people in the world who truly love him—his mother and me.

But his mother had passed away long ago, and I contributed to her death, secretly happy and painful with her heavy love to atone for the sin.

Now there is no doubt that I am the only one who truly loves him in this world.

I don't believe that other people will fall in love with him, how could anyone love Zhang Chen?To know what a strange, out of touch with the real world he is.His appearance and personality are very different, and his personality and actions are very different.Others have two sides, but he has three, four, or even more sides.

He looks like a prodigal son, but he is rigorous in his bones, but relaxed and casual in his actions.He never wears formal clothes, prefers T-shirts and jeans, and has the fireworks of Yuncheng in his bones. He likes cooking and roadside stalls. He loves ice cream the most, and only drinks Coca-Cola and orange soda besides alcohol.He always has wet wipes and mouthwash in his bag. He is not as addicted to cigarettes as I am. After smoking, he will always find the bathroom to rinse his mouth. Before entering the ward, he will wipe off the cold air on his coat.But he is as light as a gust of wind, and he is indifferent to people. If I can't see his eyes, I will never know what he is thinking.

The most important thing is that he can't love, how can there be other people in the world who can bear to fall in love with someone who can't love?

But I can, because I won't either.

A few days ago, his female drummer came to my ward to demonstrate to me and told me that many people were dying for him. I was a little angry and almost made her cry.This incident made me feel a little bit guilty afterwards. How can I say that I am also a big man, how can I make a girl cry?

But if possible, I still hope to kill her heart with my own mouth, and then watch her walk away in high heels.

I know what she's thinking, but I want to tell her it's useless, and it's useless for you to tell me all the people related to Zhang Chen. Do you think tenderness is love?Big mistake, love is not only tender love, but also affection.

Love is lust, desire, and his eyes only had this kind of thing when he looked at me from the beginning to the end. It is the same thing that I tried to suppress when I was 15 years old and surrounded myself in the dim video room.When we are nestled in our own little home on weekends, he will naturally put his hand into my pants and slide casually across my thighs and buttocks. The more I dodge him, the more I feel. Do the same to others?

So what exactly is love?Is it a collection of these special events?I thought I understood it countless times, but every time I opened my mouth to tell it all, I suddenly found that I didn't understand it again.

I can only say that the monster in my body that has been imprisoned for many years broke through my body the moment I met him. I knelt on the ground clutching my broken chest and said to it: "You know I have How much do I look forward to you? But I never thought you would make me hurt so much."

When I saw that window, I understood everything, love is the introduction of another self in my body, love is out of control, out of control leads to mistakes, mistakes are always there, this is a curse that I will never understand once I step in.

So where is the exit to eliminate the curse and all the damage?

I hurt myself, prayed to God and recited scriptures, but it was of little use.

Now I finally know that the version of me I have molded has become a part of me.When I was young, I pretended to be literary and artistic men and women in order to be unique. Later, I punished myself from the top just to alleviate the inner torment. I was always circling in the wrong dead end until I saw that window. I should have thought of this to solve everything. approach to the problem.

I am too eager for the answer, too eager to export, I want to fulfill myself, and only I can fulfill myself.forgive me.

On the first day of hospitalization, I stood at the door of a ward, and the middle-aged man who was pinned to the ground was wearing the same hospital gown as I was at this time. I should have understood the deep desire in his eyes. The desperate longing for one's own end to come.

At that time, I was only afraid, after all, who is not afraid of death?But people are always going to die, this is the end of everyone's doom.When I look back at the finish line assuming I'm dead, I accept all of myself.

If I flew down from that window, the self-made me on my body would definitely be shattered, and my unforgettable wounds would become worthless after being drowned in blood.

I should have set up a small mat at the gate of our compound, poured myself a jug of good wine leisurely, took a sip, and said with relief like my uncle did at noon that day: "It's all life and disaster!"

Well, this is my whole life, and death has made me see myself, and this is my only solution.

Am I really an idiot?I think not.I love him not because he is him, but because I am me.I only knew who I was when I loved him.

Now I finally understand the meaning of knowing the ending in advance. My senses have never been so pure as at this moment. I feel that everything is extremely peaceful and beautiful.The mighty fire did what it wanted and reduced me to ashes. I am a selfish, narrow-minded, jealous, stupid, stubborn ordinary person.I have to perfect myself.

My last wish is to watch Zhang Shen's performance, jump out of a window, fulfill myself, let him remember me forever.