lose

April 2011

Tong Yanxing

Today is Zhanning's death day.

I got up early in the morning, when the sky was still dark and the streets were deserted.

I drove quickly to the cemetery.The cemetery is located in the outskirts, and it was found by Yan An's trustees. The air in the outskirts is good and quiet. Yan'an said that in this way, Zhanning can rest in peace.

I came to Zhanning's tombstone, looked at it for a while, and sat there without saying a word.Zhanning's photo was taken by me before, but I didn't expect to pick it out and become his posthumous photo.

It's still very early, let's say it's more than five o'clock in the morning, and the surrounding area is actually still pitch black.

The day after Zhanning's death, his aunt fell ill and remained in a coma.Zhanning's funeral was handled by me alone.

On the fifth day, my aunt finally woke up, but she was in a daze. My uncle was busy taking care of her and asked Zhanyu to help me.

Zhanyu is very obedient, but since Zhanning passed away, he hasn't said a word, his silence is so distressing.

The funeral was held on the seventh day of Zhanning's death. Many people came, including Zhanning's relatives, teachers, and former classmates.

It was the first time I saw Zhanning's grandparents.

Two elderly people in their 70s supported each other, staggered, and their eyes were red and swollen.

My uncle introduced me to my grandparents and showed my relationship with Zhanning.Grandpa was a little overwhelmed, but then he held my arm tightly and wept.

"Thank you for your hard work, child..."

I said it was not hard, and then hurriedly comforted him.After the old man's mood stabilized, I went to do other things.

I didn't post an obituary, it was Yan'an who went up instead of me.

I just stood by, looking at the dark crowd here, looking at their dignified faces, and looking at the photo of Zhan Ning's death, I couldn't say a word.

Being busy with Zhanning's funeral, I haven't slept much for almost a week, I'd rather get busy by myself.Whenever I lie in bed, I always think of Zhan Ning sleeping alone in the cold mortuary, and then buried alone...

I was in a trance, always thinking about the past, I even hated myself, why didn't I meet him sooner...

I still remember that from the day when we first met, I silently began to remember his smiles, but there were only a handful of them, and when he even smiled, he was so lonely.

Maybe at the last moment, all love stories will have an ending point, maybe at the last moment, the originally beautiful crystal ball will drop instantly, and then...

shattered...

All moods will disappear.

Feelings of love, distressed, happy, sweet and sour...

Will the memories of me and Zhanning disappear like this one day?

The thought of this possibility made me feel like I was about to suffocate, and I felt that I should follow him and leave this world.

but……

I still have concerns in this world...

That June, I felt like a lunatic who stayed out of the house all day and only drank to drink away his worries.

I remember once, after drinking too much, I climbed up to the roof and stood on the railing in a daze.

I really want to jump down like this, the [-]th floor, I will definitely die.

However, Zhan Ning appeared in front of my eyes.

He was floating in mid-air, smiling at me.

He said: "Don't do this, go back quickly, take a step back, and you'll be fine!"

I held back my tears and stretched out my hand to him: "Zhanning, I miss you so much."

Zhanning stopped talking and just smiled at me.Suddenly a strong wind came towards me, I staggered and fell back on the roof, and I woke up instantly.

Is it Zhanning?It was Zhanning, it must be him, I hurriedly stood up, threw myself on the railing and shouted to the sky: "Zhanning!!"

As if responding to me, a breeze brushed my face and brought tears to my face.

"It's you……"

"I knew it……"

"I know you will never leave me, I know..."

I feel the breeze with my fingers, as if touching

touched Zhanning's face.

If I have a chance, I hope that time can go back to the past, so that I can cherish every minute and every second with him.

The truth is that those days were so sad that I can only think of him in memory.

During the time I lost him, I always think back.Recall that time, time, characters, scenes, mood.

I know that turning back time is just a myth, it's just a simple and beautiful fantasy to deceive children...

but……

I'd rather live in that fantasy...

"Brother Yanxing?" My memory was interrupted, and when I came back to my senses, I saw Zhanyu and my uncles and aunts looking at me worriedly.

"Ah Xing, why are you falling asleep here?" Auntie asked worriedly.

I shook my head in a daze, but didn't react, I just said: "I'm fine."

Zhanyu helped me up, and I looked at the flowers in their hands, and was dazed for a moment.

It turns out...it's been a year...

I silently watched them sweep Zhanning's grave, and then left.

As soon as I got in the car and drove out of the highway, the phone rang.

"Hello, I'm Tong Yanxing."

"Hello, Mr. Tong. I am a staff member of this photography competition in S City. The results of this photography competition have come out. Congratulations, Mr. Tong, you have won the gold medal. The award ceremony will be held on June 24th. I hope that Mr. Tong You can be there on time."

gold medal...

"Mr. Tong, hello, Mr. Tong, Mr. Tong, did you hear that? Hello..."

"Beep...beep...beep..."