old age

On the Saturday after the drip, Ji Kaiyang had to go back to N city again.Yi Chen sent him to the high-speed rail station.

"Okay, let's go back, I have to give it away." Ji Kaiyang took back the schoolbag that Yi Chen insisted on helping him carry, "Eat by yourself on time, I will be back the day after tomorrow."

For some reason, Yi Chen suddenly wanted to hug him or kiss him.But the crowd was so crowded that he couldn't do anything but answer the call.I want to say that you also eat on time, but suddenly realize that Ji Kaiyang is going here, I'm afraid I don't even have to look good, so I swallow the words again.

The status on the screen has changed to ticket checking, and Ji Kaiyang walks to the waiting room with his bag on his back.He squeezed in the crowd, walked to the security check place, turned his head and smiled at Yi Chen.Yi Chen cheered up and smiled, but the smile couldn't reach his eyes, but froze on his lips, turning into an expression uglier than crying.

Yi Chen didn't go back until Ji Kaiyang's back completely disappeared. He should have gone back by subway.Passing by a nearby bus stop, a car happened to arrive at the stop, and I got on the bus without looking at which way it was.

Yi Chen pulled the ring, looked at the unfamiliar scenery passing by outside the window, his mind was blank at first, and then many things slowly emerged.Yi Chen recalled that one afternoon, he also took the bus to meet Ji Kaiyang, to confess his feelings, and tell the boy who had accompanied him through many years, I love you.That was a new beginning between them.All the things that followed, the long wait at the school gate, the joy and anxiety when talking on the phone, the kiss in the bedroom, the wish made before the Bodhisattva, the wooden house hotel with rosin, the companionship day after day... are all It started from that otherwise ordinary afternoon.

At some point in front of him, the scene changed again, his thoughts drifted to a farther place, and finally stopped at the door of a chaotic bar. It was the first time he came into contact with homosexuality, and he was afraid and flustered.After so many years, he thought he had become braver, but he didn't. The fear was still there, even if the partner changed.At first he was afraid that the people around him would find out that he was different, then he was afraid of Zhang Yun's tears, and now he was afraid of Ji Kaiyang, afraid that he would lose all his brilliance for himself.

I love him, but I'm killing him.Yi Chen's hand holding the hanging ring tightened more and more, the smooth groove actually made his palm ache.This is only the first level, but it is already so difficult. He wants to help him, but there is no way.Two people who rely on each other are walking on the same path, but each has sorrows to bear, sorrows caused by each other.

Is it really worth it?Yi Chen thought, going through one level after another, will he come to the end only to find that the love has long since been worn away, and it will not end well in the end?

These four words are like an ancient curse, casting another layer of darkness on their unknown future.

Forget it, this idea came out of Yi Chen's mind just like that.At this point, he thought, giving up halfway could not be a more terrible thing than not dying well.

"Get off the bus." The driver greeted in front, and called Yi Chen again, "Young man, it's the final stop."

There were no other passengers in the car, and it was completely dark outside.Yi Chen got out of the car and looked at the platform for a while, only to realize that this was not only the terminal, but also the last train.

"Have you been in the car before?" The driver also got out of the car, walked to the duty room next to him, and suggested kindly, "It's not easy to take a taxi here, you may have to call a car back."

Yi Chen didn't seem to hear, and started walking back along the road.

"Hey..." The driver yelled twice, but didn't stop, "It looks normal, there must be something wrong with my brain." He muttered softly.

When Ji Kaiyang got home at six o'clock in the morning, he took out the key and opened the door gently. Yesterday's situation was even worse, he didn't see Zhang Yun at all.When Zhang Yun answered the call, she only asked him if he had broken up with him. When Ji Kaiyang fell silent, she hung up the phone.Ji Kaiyang waited until evening, but she didn't come back either.He still had classes the next day, so he hurried to the high-speed rail station at night.

"Why didn't you sleep?" Ji Kaiyang turned on the light, and saw Yi Chen sitting on the sofa, curled up with his knees hugged.

"How was yesterday?"

"Why is your voice so rough? Are you sick?" Ji Kaiyang hurried over.

Yi Chen ignored it and repeated, "How is your side?"

"It's nothing, don't worry." Yi Chen's face was very bad, Ji Kaiyang reached out and tried his forehead, but it was not hot, "Come on, I'll accompany you down to buy some medicine, or see if you need an infusion, what do you think?" It's so serious..."

"Ji Kaiyang." Yi Chen opened his hand, "Do you have anything else to say to me?"

"What are you talking about? Go and buy the medicine first." Ji Kaiyang went to pull him, "Do you want me to carry you?"

"Then let me say it." Yi Chen ignored Ji Kaiyang's inquiry and anxiety, and only said the sentence that had been circling in his mind all night, "Let's break up."

For a moment, the world seemed to have no sound.Ji Kaiyang felt his mind go blank.

"Ill and confused?" He smiled, "Okay, don't make trouble. Hurry up, I have to go to class later, now hurry up and accompany you to buy medicine."

"You know I'm not..."

"Don't talk, your throat is so rough." Ji Kaiyang turned to pour water.

"Let's break up." Yi Chen's tone was filled with deep pity, and he didn't know who it was directed at.

"Why are you so crazy early in the morning?!" Ji Kaiyang finally couldn't help throwing the glass in his hand on the ground, and the broken glass splashed everywhere in the room, "What the hell are you going to do?"

"Too tired." Yi Chen's voice was still low, as if stating a fact, "You are too tired, and I am too tired. Don't hold on anymore, it's not worth it. End it."

Ji Kaiyang paused for a second, then went over and grabbed his wrist, "It's not worth it? What do you mean it's not worth it? Back then you insisted on dragging me into the fire, but now you think it's too hot and you want to go out? How can it be so easy?" ?”

I don't think it's too hot, but I don't want to burn you anymore.Thinking like this, Yi Chen blinked hard, and spoke steadily, "I don't know it's like this, it's too difficult..."

"So you're going to give up?" Ji Kaiyang threw away his hand, sat on the coffee table, turned his face and sneered. "You never think about the way out, always like this. That's okay, I don't need you to think about it. I will face it and I will solve it. You just need to wait behind me and give me a little more time. ?"

"I don't want you to be so exhausted to solve this matter anymore, I don't want you to suffer so much every day and still hold on in front of me, you shouldn't be so hard and tired!"

"Then what exactly do you want?!" Ji Kaiyang yelled at him.

"I want to break up." Yi Chen's eyes were empty like a puppet, "I want to break up with you."

Ji Kaiyang suddenly felt a deep sense of powerlessness, "At the beginning you said you wanted to be together, but now you want to break up. Do I have to always cooperate with your thoughts? You only think about yourself and feel happy with me, so you must Want to be together. Now I feel unhappy, I will break up immediately without any nostalgia?!"

"Don't use me as an excuse, you are here, I can support anything, but if you tell me at this time, you don't think it's worth it." Ji Kaiyang gritted his teeth, looked up at the ceiling, and said softly , "You will make me feel that you don't really love me, you only love happiness, you only love yourself."

Ji Kaiyang stopped talking.

There was deathly silence in the room, and Yi Chen felt that he was really going to die too.

"Anyway, I'm sorry for you." He took a deep breath and went to the bedroom to drag out the packed boxes.

Yi Chen walked back, more than 40 kilometers away, and kept making mistakes. It was already yesterday morning when he reached the gate of the community.He sat on the flower stand in the community for a while, and the morning dew condensed into frost on the flower stand.It slowly melted at his fingertips again, very cold.But Yi Chen couldn't feel it, there was only one thought in his mind, that he and Ji Kaiyang really should end.

City S doesn't want to stay anymore, the memories of the two of them are everywhere, which makes people feel aggrieved, and makes him afraid that he will be unable to bear it, and drag Ji Kaiyang into the abyss of eternal doom again.Fortunately, the exam for the last subject ended last week, so I don't need to go to school during this time. As for the part-time job on the video website, I just quit.

Yi Chen made up his mind and moved home exhausted to pack his things. The hats he bought together, the couple scarves, the mixed clothes and shoes, none of them had traces of Ji Kaiyang...even including he himself.

Yi Chen put them in, took them all out, and finally put in only a set of bed sheets, which he bought last year.

At that time, Ji Kaiyang had just started to help out in the teacher's design room and got his first income, so the two of them went out to celebrate.After dinner, I went down from the top floor of the shopping mall, passed by the home area on the fifth floor, and met a young couple coming out of a nearby store with wedding sheets.Yi Chen turned around and took a second look, Ji Kaiyang suddenly smiled and said that we would also go buy it.And then really go.

It was strange enough for two boys in their early twenties to go shopping for sheets together, let alone make a special trip to the wedding area.

The clerk was a girl who didn't look too old, so she was taken aback before asking what they needed.

"He's married, I'll go shopping with him." Yi Chen pointed at Ji Kaiyang and smiled maliciously.

Ji Kaiyang didn't refute him, and only added slowly when he heard the girl muttering that she was getting married at such a young age, "I can't help it, I'm too clingy, I can't marry."

The clerk complimented that the bride must be very beautiful, and he also nodded, "It is very beautiful."

Yi Chen blushed a little, and pressed his lower back quietly, Ji Kaiyang turned his head and pinched his hand, still looking serious, "It's beautiful in the first place, it's not like you haven't seen it before. Besides, temper She's so poor and doesn't have the ability to take care of herself, if it wasn't for her good looks, why should I marry?"

Yi Chen glared at him, and insisted on turning the words around, "What's wrong with your temper, you're pretty good. You're not pretty, you're just average."

"It's me who has a good temper." Ji Kai raised his eyebrows and smiled, "As for looks, I think it's pretty good anyway."

At that time, they didn't know that it was so difficult ahead, and their love would not be hidden at all.The clerk probably noticed it, and stopped asking about the bride, and started introducing them to the products in the store.

Yi Chen came here with a playful attitude at the beginning, but Ji Kaiyang chose very carefully, picking them bed by bed without being sloppy at all.Yi Chen also got serious, he didn't know when the clerk walked away.After more than an hour of selection, I finally chose a satin bed, with a red background and gold threads embroidered with dragons and phoenixes.

Walking out of the shop, Yi Chen said in a low voice, "It's so vulgar."

"You choose."

"It's understandable that I have a low level of appreciation. As a student of architecture, you must have taken aesthetics classes, right? Why don't you correct me?"

"But I like it." Ji Kaiyang looked at him with a smile, "It's nice for the two of you to be vulgar together."

They talked and laughed all the way, took it home and washed it, and put it on the next day.Eyes full of red, so complete.

Yi Chen dragged his suitcase and walked slowly towards the door, taking more than a dozen steps, each step was extremely painful.

He should have gone straight away after packing up his things, but he was reluctant.

Ji Kaiyang hadn't moved since he went to get the box, his silhouette was lonely like a statue.

"Goodbye." Yi Chen whispered while grabbing the doorknob, not even daring to turn his head.

"What you want to say is not to see you again." Ji Kaiyang pressed his eyebrows and sighed lowly, "I will not break up with you. When I decided to promise you, what I want to get from this relationship is not Pure happiness, happiness, not wanting to find someone to sleep with for a few years and then it’s over. I want to grow old together for the rest of my life. If you insist on leaving, you can. It’s always because I didn’t handle it well, so I couldn’t keep you. You said at the time We can't turn back now, it seems that it's just me now... that's the only way to go. I walked all the way to the dark, when you figure it out, come back, if you don't come back..."

Ji Kaiyang paused, "It's fine if you don't come back, it's up to you."

Yi Chen felt that he was about to waver, but he couldn't.Long-term pain is worse than short-term pain, he didn't want Ji Kaiyang to be in a dilemma and continued to struggle.He didn't dare to look at Ji Kaiyang, closed the door, and hurried into the elevator.

The elevator quickly ran to the first floor and stopped there. The elevator doors opened and closed.A woman came in from the outside, pressed the upstairs button, and was about to go in. When she saw Yi Chen squatting in the corner, she said in surprise, "Hey, young man, you..."

Yi Chen raised his head, took a breath, barely supported the car to stand up, walked around the woman and walked out slowly.It was not yet full light, and it was very dark outside the corridor, and it seemed that there was no light.

He thought he was going to cry, but his eyes were too dry, so there were no tears to shed.What can be felt is actually pain, which extends from the heart to the internal organs and then to every cell in the body.

The author has something to say

A girl left a message to guess the plot, saying that it would be difficult to understand if one party gave up first.It really happened, so let me tell you about it.First of all, I don't think this is a breakup, and this article does not take the route of reunion after years of separation. It can only be called a contradiction.

It's normal for them to have conflicts like this.Because their way of getting along has always been a little deformed, Kai Yang is used to giving and taking, and Yi Chen accepts more.It's not that he doesn't think about the consequences, it's just that he subconsciously thinks that Kai Yang will solve it.Now that a problem has arisen, it turns out that Kaiyang has to pay a higher price than expected, or that Kaiyang can't solve it either.He tried to share and failed again.When the illusion was broken, the whole person panicked, as if he was only worthy of 80, and Kai Yang insisted on paying 100 for him, and there was no support for 20, so Yi Chen was under a lot of pressure.When he said it wasn't worth it, he meant that he wasn't worthy of Kai Yang doing this.So I want to take the initiative to break up as a kind of contribution to make up for this blank part.