he lived

After adjusting for about a week, my mental state became a little bit more stable, and I looked more normal overall. At least I wouldn’t point fingers at my back as an addict when walking on the street.

I can only say that being able to enjoy sleep is really a gift from God.Although I still can't have the entire sleep time, I am already very content.Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night, I can still see him next to me, but when I look closely, all I can see is nothingness.

His influence on me is really too great. Does witnessing a person's death really have such consequences?I don't know.I can only adjust myself hard, whether it is for survival or for other things, I must get rid of this state.

The landlord contacted me two days ago, because of complaints from neighbors, maybe I need to change the place.This is also understandable, after all, my previous state was really scary, and no one would want to live next door to someone suspected of being an addict.But even if the landlord doesn't mention it, I still hope that I can change the place and the environment. After all, for me now, the memories here are not so good.

After I started to deal with the outside world again, I felt that my life seemed to be gradually enriched again.Humans really need to be busy.Is your busy life so busy that you don't have time to think about other things?I really want to work hard to live like a normal person, just like me before, as long as I can live normally, it doesn't matter if there are some minor problems.

But in the late night when you are alone, you will always be stripped of the last layer of disguise, and only then will you discover your truest side.Every night, the normal state of mind that I worked so hard to create during the day would always fall apart. Lying on the bed, I always started to cry inexplicably, and couldn't control my trembling.

I didn't quite understand what was wrong with me at the beginning, but the development became more and more uncontrollable. One day, I cut my wrist with a blade uncontrollably, and I looked at the still dripping blood. Only then did the blade suddenly realize that my mental state may have been dilapidated from the innermost layer.

I can't describe my current situation, I have no relatives, no close friends to talk to, I don't want to die very much, but I don't really want to live, I feel that I am becoming more and more hideous and ugly.I despise the current self, and I also feel sorry for the current self. Maybe, I am such a contradictory and disgusting existence.

Many people say that the reason they can't die is because they don't want to hurt the people around them, but I found that my death won't hurt anyone.