The temporary judge wants to cultivate immortality

Why is it that when you travel back to ancient times, you can always have good food and drink and beautiful women by your side?

Why is it that when it comes to Shen Xiaoliu, he can only live a poor life, drag his sickly body, and still have to stay with a wife whose face looks like a roasted sweet potato?

Counting on his fingers, it's been over two years since Shen Xiaoliu transmigrated. He wanted to invent soap, tinker with chemicals, meet some high-ranking officials now and then, and occasionally seduce some stunning beauties. He could easily become a prince or ascend the throne. But which transmigration novel ever told Xiaoliu that just this typhoid fever during the Wanli era of the Ming Dynasty had kept him lying on the heated kang bed for almost two years?

If this was the beginning of Shen Xiaoliu's unlucky days, then these things were nothing compared to what happened next, not even a drop in the ocean.

Just yesterday, Huang Simao actually brought someone to Xiao Liu's house. His name was... Li Zicheng...

That's right, the Li in Li Zicheng, the Cheng in Li Zicheng, the genuine peasant bandit leader who seized Chen Yuanyuan!

Thus, Shen Xiaoliu's three dilapidated thatched huts became a chaotic mess, and he lived a miserable life with no peace.

To tell this story, we need to start from the beginning, since everyone has their own grievances and debts.

Two days ago, Shen Xiaoliu, who called himself Young Master, innocently went to the market in the capital with his bundle on his back. He had just finished exchanging grain outside the city gate and was about to leave when a young woman of about sixteen, covered in mud and with four straw sticks stuck in her hair, beckoned to him with her dirty little paw:

"Young master, buy me! One string of copper coins, you won't lose out or be cheated!"

What the hell?

Master?

consistent??

Which of these two things could possibly be related to him now, a sickly man covered in tattered clothes?

Seeing that Xiao Liu was in a daze, the blonde young woman said gently:

"Half a string, half a string is fine too. I'll go back and be your slave and have your babies."

Xiao Liu looked around, but no one paid any attention to the girl kneeling on the ground. Based on his own thuggish mentality that he had nothing better to do and could just have some fun, he squatted down and took a good look at the girl.

"How can there be a woman in this world uglier than my wife?!"

If his wife's face was like a roasted sweet potato, then this girl's face was like a roasted sweet potato that had been smashed directly on the ground!

"Young master's pockets are emptier than his face, he has no money." The girl's ugly face made Xiao Liu's last bit of cunning disappear. Of course, what he said was true; Xiao Liu really only had seven copper coins in his pocket.

The girl quickly grabbed Xiao Liu's sleeve: "Ten coins is fine, right? Young master... a pound of pork costs eighteen coins."

"Pork can fill you up, but what can you do with it?"

"I'll light the stove, cook, warm the bed, and empty the chamber pot. If I don't have an older child, I'll have your baby. If I do have an older child, I'll be a concubine and still have your baby..."

Hearing the girl blurt out anything, four or five men quickly gathered around with grins, shouting: "He doesn't want you, but I do! Come on, come home with me to warm the stove and bed!"

To everyone's surprise, the girl ignored the idlers around her, pouted, looked like she was about to cry, and tugged at her sleeve, sobbing as she whispered to Xiao Liu, "I don't want the money, okay? Take me away."

Shen Xiaoliu thought to himself: Trying to fool me, young master? I come from five hundred years in the future, what haven't I seen? Can't I see through this little trick? This girl might be a maid who ran away from some official family in the capital, or she might be a brothel boy who sneaks in through the crack in the door, looking for a family to eat and drink for free for a couple of days to avoid trouble, and then take advantage of the moment when no one is paying attention to make a quick getaway.

If this little trick were to run into an inexperienced novice, well, who knows, it might end up in legal trouble.

Besides, even if I agreed, my wife, with her round, chubby face and wasp waist...

Thinking of this, Xiao Liu flicked his sleeves and squeezed through the crowd, disappearing in a flash. He heard the girl behind him shout, "Why are you running away? You won't even take a freebie. Don't ever call yourself a man again..."

The ugly woman's clamor and the idlers' laughter faded into the distance behind them, while Xiao Liu hummed a little tune and leisurely made his way along the official road toward Dingfu Village, thirty miles east of the city. It must be said that the ugly woman's cry of "Young Master" made Shen Xiao Liu, who came from the modern world, feel really happy for a long time.

Xiao Liu swung his arms, completely unconcerned about what had just happened, and hummed a modern tune: "Little girl, white flour dumplings, rice porridge, pickled vegetables, cornbread."

But he had only walked two or three miles when he suddenly felt a twist in his lower abdomen. He subconsciously reached into his pocket for tissues, a habit he had been doing for more than two years before he needed to take a dump. But every time, he would immediately realize that he had neither tissues nor pockets.

He could roam freely across the vast fields, easily traversing thousands of miles of farmland, but the moment he stood beside the grass pit and untied the rope binding his waist...

"Holy crap...where's the young master's manhood?"

His crotch was completely empty, flat as a board. Xiao Liu frantically rummaged around, but couldn't even find a single blade of grass!

He stood there, stunned, his hands trembling uncontrollably.

"Don't call yourself a man anymore."

"Don't call yourself a man anymore."

The ugly woman's parting words kept ringing in Xiao Liu's ears.

Thinking about the miserable days he would have to live with roasted sweet potatoes as "lesbian sisters" from now on, it took him a long time to recover from his shock. He cursed, "Granddaughter! You dare to scheme against me!" Then, without even wiping his butt, he hurriedly grabbed his trousers and ran towards the city gate of the capital.

Yes, she was still kneeling there, with four tattered straws stuck in her messy hair. Perhaps it was near sunset, because there were no more idlers around, and even most of the other vendors had packed up and disappeared.

"Sir...did you lose something?" The eldest daughter greeted Shen Xiaoliu with a smile and a wave as he ran towards her, her tone just like that of a madam in a brothel!

"You...you fucking give...give me back my things!" Xiao Liu ran out of breath, panting as he spoke.

Upon hearing this, the ugly woman narrowed her eyes into slits and said, "Would that thing be of any use to you? You've been here for over two years since you were struck by lightning, haven't you? Have you used that thing?"

Her words hit the nail on the head. After transmigrating here, although the girl at home had an unbearable face, her curvaceous figure was one in a million. Unfortunately, her sickly body had never been able to use that "high-tech" "weapon".

Wait, something seems off...

Xiao Liu practically jumped up and down, yelling at the ugly woman, "How did you know I came from another time?"

Fortunately, the market outside the city was already deserted, otherwise Shen Xiaoliu's shout would have surely summoned the soldiers in the city gate tower.

"Tell me quickly, what's your relationship with that old charlatan Liu Bowen? Are you his great-granddaughter?" Xiao Liu whispered to the ugly woman, thinking to himself that in the entire Ming Dynasty, the only one with any ability to summon wind and rain was that old charlatan Liu Bowen who had been dead for two centuries.

"Liu Ji? He's already reincarnated three times over," the ugly woman said, glancing at Xiao Liu with disdain.

"So what's wrong with you?"

"I am a deity!"

"Nonsense, you must be Liu Bowen's great-granddaughter!"

"Hehe, believe it or not, I can conjure up two more lumps of fat on your chest?" The ugly woman looked at Xiao Liu with a wicked grin...

"Second Aunt, no matter whose granddaughter you are, can you give me back my things first? You're just a girl, there's no use for you keeping them..." Shen Xiaoliu cried out with a bitter and miserable expression.

The ugly woman ignored him;

Xiao Liu moved closer to her and asked mysteriously, "Also, Second Aunt, how did you know I came from another time?"

The ugly woman still ignored him.

A surge of anger welled up in his chest. His hands clenched tightly as he glared at the ugly woman, and on the verge of exploding, Shen Xiaoliu suddenly knelt on the ground with a thud...

"Elder sister, great-grandmother, Guanyin Bodhisattva who saves us from suffering, and the Holy Mother Mary who rescues us from fire and water, please, please turn me back to normal," she pleaded, her voice now choked with sobs.

The ugly girl giggled, covering her little mouth and laughing: "Oh, little puppy, tell me, you said to turn back? Turn back means what?"

A feeling of humiliation and subservience gripped Xiao Liu's entire body, yet he was helpless and said:

"I also want to pee standing up..."

"Also, I want to go back to my home, back to where I came from, to drink Erguotou (a type of Chinese liquor) and eat my mom's homemade dumplings."

The ugly girl's bitter face had practically blossomed into a wide smile, her small chest heaving as she said:

"The second one is out of the question, the underworld has already crossed you off the list. As for the first one..." The ugly woman glanced at Xiao Liu's thigh, paused, and then continued:

"The first one is worth considering, but you'll have to serve me for several years, and be available whenever I call."

After she finished speaking, she even winked at Xiao Liu with her right eye in a teasing manner!

Xiao Liu stared at the ugly girl's face covered in acne and quickly covered his crotch: "What? You think you can do whatever you want just because you're a god? Aren't you afraid of being struck by lightning and sent to the underworld?"

The ugly woman curled her lips, and her voice suddenly changed to that of an old man: "Young comrade, don't be nervous. I am a male immortal and have no interest in your mortal body. Besides, I originally served in the underworld, and I can come and go as I please without needing tribulation."

Shen Xiaoliu was startled by the androgynous voice at first, then nervously glanced at the person's shadow on the ground and asked tremblingly, "A male immortal? Do male immortals have such big breasts?" As he spoke, he reached out to the ugly woman's chest to verify.

The ugly woman pushed his hand away: "When the soul was transferred, this was the only shell I had when I was born. The rest of my body was rotten beyond recognition. I was afraid of scaring you to death in broad daylight, so I had to make do with this." As he spoke, he actually rubbed his chest.

"How does it feel?" Xiao Liu asked, craning his neck.

The ugly woman chuckled and switched back to her sweet, delicate voice, saying, "Young master, come on, when we get home I'll warm your bed and show you how it feels."