Starting a new chapter in life

I was born in Northwest China. My grandfather was a division commander, my grandmother was in the communications company of the army, my father was a battalion commander and later rose to the rank of regimental commander, and my mother also worked in logistics in the army. We belong to a military family.

Others envy my military family, but no one knows my sadness. My family members are all soldiers, and they simply don't have time to take care of a child like me. So, from a very young age, I had to move between various military spouses' homes.

Military spouses who are unemployed are very willing to help take care of the children, but once job opportunities arise in the military region, they are given priority. Those with good personalities, who are hardworking, and clean are the first to be selected.

Unfortunately, families who choose to leave their children with foster parents also tend to choose such families. The advantage is that the children can receive good care, but the disadvantage is that the care is not stable.

My memories of when I was very young are not very vivid. I only know about many things from my grandmother's reminiscences, which she would occasionally mention. Therefore, I know that I spent most of my time living with other people's families from the age of one to four. This period was also the most chaotic and difficult time for the country, during the Great Movement.

Even if many families dared to accept us, they wouldn't dare to accept money. They would usually settle accounts with grain, ostensibly as gifts between relatives and friends. But grain was scarce in Northwest China, so it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that they were scrimping and saving.

I think it was this period of experience that led to my mother's later habit of being very frugal with money.

Finally, they can put me in daycare. My younger brother, Cihai, was born. I go to daycare during the day and have dinner at the home of the military wife who takes care of Cihai in the evening. Then I take Cihai home and wait for my parents to come home.

My aunt always says I'm precocious, that I'm thoughtful, quiet, and have few emotional fluctuations. I don't know why that's the case. I just remember once when I went to pick up my younger brother from Cihai's military wife's house for dinner, their children were chattering away.

I don't remember what they said, only the feather duster and the children running around the room.

From then on, I tried to talk as little as possible when I visited other people's homes. People liked my quietness, and over time, I really became quiet.

My parents didn't have time to take care of us. Other families were lucky if they could even provide food; they wouldn't spend any energy on other people's children. My brother and I grew up quite wildly. Later, as we learned more characters, I liked to read to pass the time.

Whether or not I could understand it, reading was a way to keep myself occupied, and that's when I developed the habit of reading. Unfortunately, all sorts of supplies were scarce in the Northwest; firewood, rice, oil, salt, writing brushes, ink, paper, and books were all rare items.

After starting elementary school, I got first place in the class on my first test. My teacher and mother praised me highly, saying I could sit still and was a promising student.

Unfortunately, the college entrance examination was long gone in those days, and I could only go up to high school at most. However, the worker-peasant-soldier university was still a way out, and I suggested that my mother should raise me well.

My mom is someone who listens to advice. When she got home, she made a grand promise that every year on my birthday, I could go to the bookstore and choose an extracurricular book as a birthday reward.

Seriously, there was only one copy. The book was expensive. Even so, my mom was considered one of the most doting parents in the compound. So, I studied with my younger brother. If he couldn't sit still, I would hit him until he sat down.

I thought I would stay in Northwest China for the rest of my life, but fate takes such a strange turn. When I was in the second year of junior high school, my grandfather applied to be transferred back to Haishi, wanting to return to his hometown to take care of my mother. The organization approved it smoothly.

Before leaving, my grandparents called my family and my second uncle's family together to discuss the future of us children. Naturally, the parents didn't want their children to leave their side.

Although they didn't really care, they could still get together during holidays and festivals, and they could see each other at least a few times on ordinary days, but Grandpa insisted on taking us away.

They said the teaching conditions in Haishi are definitely better than in the Northwest. Now that the college entrance examination has been reinstated, the children have countless possibilities for the future, and they can't afford to waste their time here.

In the end, my parents couldn't persuade my grandfather otherwise, so they packed up the four of us children and sent us onto the train. My three younger brothers were very curious about the new environment and showed no worry or anxiety whatsoever. I was the oldest, and I would be taking the high school entrance exam in a year.

Although I always ranked first in my school in the Northwest, my grandfather said that the teaching quality here is not very good, the teachers have heavy accents and their cultural level is not very high. This puts a lot of pressure on me. I am afraid that I will not be able to keep up and fall behind in the school in Haishi.

When we arrived in Haishi, Grandpa took us to see Great-Grandma. She was a very refined and elegant old woman. She cried when she saw Grandpa, repeatedly saying she felt sorry for him.

If I hadn't known that my grandfather wasn't her biological son, I would never have doubted their blood relationship. My great-grandmother was really kind and gentle to my grandfather.

It was here that I met my aunt for the first time. She was tall, had big hands and feet, and a loud voice, but she greeted us with a smile and took out a lot of snacks for us to eat, several of which were things we had never tried before.

I felt embarrassed to take too much, so I only picked two of each item. My younger brothers also took only a small amount, quite reservedly, unlike at home where they would fight over food.

My aunt looked at us, smiled, and gave each of us a handful of candy. It was so big that we couldn't hold it all with both hands; my younger brothers could only scoop it up with the corners of their clothes.

I opened my small backpack, and my aunt put the candy inside. I've never eaten so much candy in my entire life, not even a handful. I think this aunt is really generous.

Since Grandpa's work arrangements weren't finalized, we stayed at Aunt's house for the time being. Her house was very big with many rooms, and my brothers and I were all settled in. It was the first time I'd ever stayed in such a spacious room, with two people sharing one.

Anyway, my aunt's house is great in every way. It's a pity that we're just staying here temporarily. I hope that the house my grandfather is allocated will be bigger so that I can live with my younger brother and have my own independent space.

My aunt knows I love reading, so she took me to the bookstore. I asked my grandfather privately if I should refuse a book if my aunt bought it for me. He said my aunt is a straightforward person, so if she buys it for me, it won't be insincere, but I should be careful to keep my distance.

When I arrived at Xinhua Bookstore, my eyes were opened. There were so many books, many of which I had never read before and were interested in. I thought that my mother would buy me one every year, but my aunt said that she wanted to fill the bookshelves at home, so I would just pick seven or eight books. This was already a huge expense.

But as I was picking and choosing, I picked too many. When I was about to filter out half of them, my aunt stopped me. She paid for all twenty-odd books I had selected. I really like my aunt.

Later, my aunt left me at home to attend school because my grandfather's job was still undecided before the start of the school year, and I couldn't afford to be delayed. I entered a military middle school. At first, I actually struggled to keep up. They taught in Mandarin, which I could understand, but I wasn't used to it.

Moreover, they teach very quickly here. Fortunately, I am patient. If I don't understand something in class, I will work on it again after class. My uncle will ask about my learning progress when he comes home from work and help me catch up. My aunt makes a lot of delicious food. Since I came here, I have never gone hungry because of staying up late.

My aunt and uncle are so good to me, and I don't know how to repay them, so I'll help take care of my younger siblings. I volunteered to tutor them, and my aunt was very happy. She said she hates taking care of children.

But I feel that she's the one who spoils the children the most in the family, and she's also the fairest. She's good to all the children and never favors her own. She cares about me the most. She says I'm too quiet and sensible, which makes her feel sorry for me.

My mother never felt sorry for me. She always said that I was the eldest brother and should take good care of my younger brother. It was my duty to do well. If my younger brother caused trouble, I would get beaten along with him. But my aunt never made me share the punishment for my younger brother and sister. She protected me more.

Later, I caught up with my studies and had the energy to read extracurricular books. I found astronomy fascinating; it seemed that every star in the sky had its own story.

But to my utter surprise, my aunt actually brought me back a telescope. This was something I had never even dared to dream of before, and my aunt actually bought it and put it on the rooftop.

I wondered what I had done to deserve such attention from my aunt. After that, I observed her carefully and found that she would not stop us from helping with housework, but she would not praise us happily either. However, when I read books with my younger siblings, my aunt would be very happy and would prepare fruit platters and snacks for us.

I understand. My aunt likes people who love learning, after all, my uncle was among the first batch of college students.

After that, I studied even harder at school. When I got home, besides tutoring my younger brother and helping Zhizhi learn some basics, I would read the extracurricular books I had chosen. My happiest time was when I was immersed in the ocean of knowledge.

After I entered high school, my aunt gave me two yuan a month for pocket money, which was a lot of money for me. I had never had pocket money before. Even the New Year's money was just a fleeting thing. After the New Year, I had to hand over the New Year's money and I would have nothing.

But with my aunt, the New Year's money was mine; she didn't want any of our money. Starting in high school, I also received a monthly allowance. I asked my classmates, and very few of them had any allowance, but I was one of them.

My aunt is really generous when it comes to our studies. She even brought back a teacher named Shen. Although the original intention was for her to teach Zhizhi and An'an art classes, Xiaoli and I were also able to attend the classes together.

Mr. Shen is very knowledgeable. He taught us etiquette, music, calligraphy, painting, and Go. I didn't have much free time, so I chose to learn the guzheng and Go, and occasionally took a painting class.

It was this unconventional learning process, the things I learned in high school, that made me stand out in college. Everyone admired my piano playing and my drawing skills, saying I was talented.

Actually, my aunt had already done enough, but when I went to university, she was worried that I was too introverted and that I would be bullied at school, so she bought me a house near the school. Honestly, even biological parents might not do that.

I will always remember my aunt's kindness, and I thought that when I became successful in the future, I would definitely take care of her and treat her even better than my own mother. Unfortunately, my aunt is capable, and she earns much more than I do in my job.

She refused to accept the money, and pushing her would only make her angry. There was nothing I could do but send her more local specialties from Beijing, even though my aunt might not need them, it was still a token of my affection.

Later, I transferred my job back to Haishi, closer to my aunt. I wanted to go back more often to take care of her, but in the end, I was the one being taken care of. My aunt was worried I wouldn't eat well.

Every few days, my aunt would bring me large bags of food to the research institute. Thanks to her care, I quickly established myself at the institute and got along well with everyone.

Later, after I got married and had children, I not only failed to repay the kindness I owed my aunt, but I also continued to receive her care. Later, when An'an and Zhizhi grew up, my uncle and aunt also moved to Beijing to settle down.

Every time I think back, I regret not staying in Beijing. Knowing my aunt would settle there, I wish I hadn't come back. We're so far apart; I miss her terribly.

Xiaofei often says that her aunt treats her more like a mother treats her son, and is very proud of her. But my regret is that I have never been able to fulfill my filial duty.

My aunt's passing was very sudden. When I received the news, it felt like a bolt from the blue. She was only sixty-five years old and in good health. How could she be gone?

The arrival of the pandemic caught everyone off guard. I was also stuck in the area and couldn't see my aunt one last time. After I calmed down, I couldn't sleep at night. I wrote a eulogy for my aunt in my study. As I wrote, tears streamed down my face again.

It is said that men do not easily shed tears, but that is only because they have not yet reached the point of heartbreak. When heartbroken, both men and women can cry themselves silly.

The eulogy wasn't long, but I revised it three times before I felt it was worthy of my aunt's love for me. After the lockdown was lifted, I flew to Beijing with my family to attend my aunt's funeral. I choked up halfway through reading the eulogy, and Rongqiang took over to finish it.

After returning home, I kept dreaming at night that my aunt was saying to me, "Cien, don't work too hard. Scientists have heavy responsibilities, but you also need to take care of your health. Your unit doesn't only have you; don't burden yourself with such heavy responsibilities."

You've always been a worrier, taking on everything yourself. What, does the world stop turning without you? You need to rest when you need to; a balance of relaxation and rest is the key to longevity..."

Every time I dream of my aunt talking to me, I always happily agree in the dream. But when I wake up and open my eyes, there are dried tear stains at the corners of my eyes and a dark patch on my pillowcase. It was clearly a warm and happy dream, so why am I crying?

My aunt's grave was only in Beijing for six years. During those six years, I would take leave every Qingming Festival to fly there to sweep her grave. Six years later, my uncle also passed away.

Actually, given my uncle's health, as long as he was in a good mood, he should have lived to be at least 80 or 90 years old, if not 100. But he only lived to be 75. I think he must have missed my aunt very much, which is why he was in such a hurry to go find her.

My uncle and aunt's joint grave was eventually moved to the ancestral cemetery, which is now in Yangzhou, much closer to me—only a two-hour drive away. I absolutely must visit it, except during the Qingming Festival.

On weekdays, whether I receive an award, encounter difficulties at work, or even if my kids cause trouble at home, I habitually drive to visit my uncle and aunt on weekends.

I place a bouquet of flowers at their graves, chat about recent events, and then go home. It's a way of finding solace. I think this habit will continue for the rest of my life. As long as I remember them, they will always be there for me...