do you really love me

"do you really love me? "

Lu Yan & Ye Bei

BE.

003

Ye Bei and Lu Yan sat facing each other on red plastic chairs, separated by a marble platform and a layer of cold and thick glass.

Another week will be the Spring Festival. Looking out from the iron window embedded in the wall on the right, you can see the white snow stretching towards the skyline. The winter sun reflects on it, and the vision is sparkling.

This was the first time Ye Bei visited the prison after Lu Yan was imprisoned.

He was wearing the down jacket that Lu Yan bought for him with his first salary, and a knitted woolen hat with the brim of the hat low on the earbones, blocking half of the outside sound.

Lu Yan followed the rules and regulations, and shaved his short hair into a round inch.

His eye sockets were sunken, his skin was sallow, slightly bloodshot, and his thin lip had bitten a small piece of skin. His gaze was always hanging below the stone platform, and his pupils, which were originally bright and clear, were not disturbed at this time.

Ye Bei moved the plastic chair forward and picked up the phone first.

He looked at Lu Yan obsessively, put his palm on the glass, and begged softly, "Please, just talk to me."

Until the end of the prison visit, Lu Yan didn't raise his eyes to look at Ye Bei, looking like a lifeless walking dead.

The prison guard glanced at his watch and stepped forward to help the person on the seat. At this moment, Lu Yan finally broke the deadlock and gave Ye Bei a bitter smile.

He silently traced out a sentence with his lips, every word to his heart: "Ye Bei, are you satisfied now?"

"I will stay in prison for the rest of my life, so you can guard me outside for the rest of my life, until I grow old, until I die."

Ye Bei thought, this was probably Lu Yan's hatred for him, as well as his revenge and punishment.

After stepping out of the prison gate, he stepped on a bunch of messy footprints in the white snow, recalling that the winter before last, Lu Yan was willing to be his Alaska, pulling a sled and carrying him, laughing and running towards the boundless light.

The future is clearly hopeful.

"Did I really do something wrong?"

Ye Bei would send a bouquet of lilies to the monument of the boy who died unexpectedly every month, and would go to the Jing'an Temple built halfway up the mountain to pray for him.

He hoped that the boy's next life would be bright and bright, that he could grow up smoothly, get married, and grow old with his lover.

It was late spring again, the grass was growing and warblers were flying, and the road in front of the prison was covered with countless unknown wild flowers.

This year, Ye Bei met Lu Yan four times in total, and the remaining two times were the words brought to him by the prison guards, saying that Lu Yan committed a crime in prison and was punished, temporarily depriving him of the right to meet his family.

Because it was timeless, and all the good years were ruined in prison, Lu Yan felt fearless about all his words and actions, even if they were worse and more depraved.

It doesn't get any worse than this.

His life has never been the same since, if such days can be called "life".

Lu Yan couldn't hate that couple.

He only hated Ye Bei.

Today is Lu Yan's 30th birthday, and Ye Bei made him a bowl of longevity noodles, and put it in the thermos bucket that was often used to serve supper and accompany him on night walks.

Ye Bei's condition is getting worse and worse.

Today's body is inseparable from tobacco and alcohol, and he is tortured by nightmares every day and night, and there is always a voice in his heart that keeps asking him various questions, imitating Lu Yan's tone.

Ye Bei thought, if he had sheltered Lu Yan back then, at least for now, they still love each other, there is still time, and maybe they can look forward to the future.

Yu Qing, Lu Yan's "Do you really love me?" cut Ye Bei's heart like a knife, bringing him endless guilt and remorse.

Yu Li, Ye Bei's sentence "Go and surrender", smoothed out the feelings that had been unforgettable for nine years in Lu Yan's heart lightly.

Ye Bei sat on the edge of the curb, looking at the gate of the prison through the rising plume of smoke. After a long while, he took the cigarette butt between his lips and gently crushed it with his fingertips.

He took out a piece of lined paper from his bag, gripped the ballpoint pen tightly, and wrote a line of block letters on it sharply.

On the red plastic chair behind the glass, Lu Yan kept his head down, raising his eyelids from time to time and glancing at the opposite side.

He shook his right leg uneasily, rubbing his clasped thumbs back and forth, rubbing a deep red mark.

Ye Bei didn't show up, and the prison guard brought a note to Lu Yan for him.

-I fell in love with someone else, may you cherish it.

In an instant, "Go surrender", "We only have this way", "If you do something wrong, you have to be brave and bear it", these high-sounding sounds seem to be for his sake, and there are reasonable explanations for his consideration .

Lu Yan suddenly arched his back, supported his head with his elbows and knees, and his breathing was constricted in his chest.

There was a radiating pain in the body, numbness climbed along the back to the Tianling Gai, and a groan/groan was squeezed out from between the vocal cords.

"Ye Bei, I fucking killed you."

I have to get out.

This incident became Lu Yan's only obsession for the rest of his life.

He began to strictly follow the prison's regulations, overfulfilling daily production tasks, preventing other inmates from causing trouble, reporting bad activities, and publishing articles he wrote in newspapers.

His diligence and hard work changed the "no term" on him to "18 years in prison".

Lu Yan engraved Ye Bei's name on the wall, and would draw a line with his nails every night. The hatred gradually migrated inward along with the deepening traces, melting into the blood and bone marrow.

Eighteen years later, Lu Yan was released from prison.

He stood in the shadow of the iron gate, and took the personal belongings handed over by the prison guard with both hands. Apart from the odds and ends used in daily life, he also had a bunch of spare keys from the rented house.

Lu Yan was sitting on the bus with a bag at his feet, his body swaying slightly with the inertia of driving.

The sun outside the window was hot and bright, and the breeze blowing in was wrapped in the rich fragrance of magnolia flowers, and dazzling golden dust was everywhere in the field of vision.

There is no familiar scene around.

He pinched the key in his pocket, pressing the hard point against the pad of his thumb.

Lu Yan wasn't sure if Ye Bei still lived in that house.

After getting off the bus, he carried his bag in one hand, and walked towards the community with the other in his pocket. He kept walking into the dark and cramped corridors, stepping on the concrete steps one by one, and looked at the brown-red wooden door through the cracks of the winding stairs. .

This is the only place in his memory that hasn't changed.

Lu Yan stood on the mat at the door, the soles of his shoes rubbed against the familiar texture, the lock was not changed, and the key was inserted/inserted effortlessly.

He turned his wrist lightly, "slap", his heart beat violently, Lu Yan carefully pushed the door open, and a familiar smell came over his face.

The traces between the eyebrows gradually deepened, and his eyes wandered around the room. He could not remember many details of the furnishings clearly, but the general furniture position did not seem to have changed in any way.

Lu Yan took off his shoes, walked barefoot to the sofa and sat down, hooked his index finger to the ashtray on the coffee table, took out the cigarette pack, picked one up and put it in his mouth.

His old face was reflected on the TV screen, with a few tiny wrinkles on his withered and yellow skin, his dull eyes were deep and dark, and a few strands of hair on his temples were turning from black to gray.

He sat from sunset to starry night, and from starry night to dawn, even if he could ignore his hunger, he still had to get up and go downstairs.

There is no more smoke.

For the entire twelve hours, Lu Yan's mind was full of Ye Bei. He clenched his fists, with the bony protrusions on the back of his hands, wishing to tear his life apart immediately.

As soon as the front foot stepped over the threshold, the door of the opposite resident opened. An old man was holding a Pomeranian, with a pair of silver-rimmed flower glasses on the bridge of his nose.

Lu Yan casually raised his eyelids, and suddenly froze in place.

The one who was more astonished than him was Aunt Song.

She stared straight at Lu Yan's face, her eyes slowly moistened, and her lips trembled softly, "Are you... Lu Yan?"

Aunt Song pulled Lu Yan into her home, took out from the freezer of the refrigerator the dumplings stuffed with pork and celery that had just been made last night, cooked [-] dumplings, and served with a plate of fragrant dumplings with some chili oil. vinaigrette.

Lu Yan swallowed the round and fat dumplings whole, exhaled comfortably, and after eating, he gathered up the bamboo chopsticks and put them on the edge of the bowl.

Lu Yan's Adam's apple rolled up and down, Lu Yan hesitated, and finally opened his mouth first: "Auntie, where's Ye Bei?"

Aunt Song tilted her head and slowly closed her eyes.

"Xiaobei, he... suffers."

Ye Bei couldn't bear it any longer.

He took on several programming projects and watched the computer day and night. The amount of deposits increased day by day, but his mental state was shaky and on the verge of collapse.

He couldn't sleep, and often lost control of his emotions in the middle of the night, sometimes crying, sometimes laughing, and more often just sitting on the sofa, unconsciously chanting Lu Yan's name.

He wanted to see Lu Yan again.

When he had saved enough money to buy a house, and finally changed his and Lu Yan's identities from "tenants" to "proprietors", Ye Bei looked at the silvery moonlight scattered all over the place, and had no regrets.

He began to experience hallucinations and auditory hallucinations.

One night, Ye Bei heard Lu Yan's voice outside the window.

He put on the clothes Lu Yan bought for him, and ran to the window ecstatically. Under the dim streetlights, there was a tall figure holding a bouquet of roses, smiling at him, and waving to him.

That was the scene when he and Lu Yan first dated.

Ye Bei was very excited. He grabbed the window sill, leaned forward, and shouted to Lu Yan, "I'll get down right away, you wait for me."

After turning around, he suddenly became frightened, and turned his head to look at Lu Yan standing in the light and shadow. He was afraid that as soon as he took his eyes off, the other party would disappear.

So he stepped on the window sill, smiled, and walked towards him without hesitation.

Aunt Song wiped away the tears from the corners of her eyes, and said to Lu Yan: "When Xiaobei asked me to help him clean his house once a week, I should have thought of it."

"I should have thought of that."

Lu Yan remained motionless, like a sculpture, staring at a void and listening quietly.

"Xiao Bei left something for you." Aunt Song patted Lu Yan's hand, "It's in the drawer of the bedside table in the bedroom."

"Good boy, go and see."

Lu Yan staggered back home.

He stood at the door of the sunny bedroom, leaning weakly against the door frame.

After breathing for a while, Lu Yan moved his steps, came to the bedside table, and knelt down reverently.

He opened the drawer, and there was a big red real estate certificate inside.

With trembling hands, Lu Yan picked it up tremblingly, flipped it open, and a note slipped out.

After seeing the messy handwriting on it, Lu Yan fell heavily on the ground, hugged his head, opened his mouth and cried bitterly.

That was a letter Ye Bei wrote to Lu Yan after suffering from severe depression.

Brief but affectionate.

[Dear Lu Yan:

When you see this piece of paper, I should feel relieved.

Your life has just begun, so you must cherish it.

Live to be a hundred years old in good health.

I love you, Xiaobei. ]

The author has something to say:

Thanks for reading.

Thank you all for reading my short story.

bow.