[Feitan] Antinia

In fact, I am a bit like Fei Tan.

I was cranky and had abusive tendencies.

But that's where the similarities end -- more of my envy.

I envy Feitan who can do things that I can't.

He's powerful, he's funny, he's violent.

I also want to be an invincible and strong man, but I am born with a glass heart. Even if I can be tenacious, I still envy it.

I also want to be a violent person who can do whatever I want. I think even if I have a bad temper, I don’t need to be patient, because I am strong enough to be looked up to.

There are so many unhappiness in this world, can I not be patient and not be the person I least want to be.

I asked my friend to complain about all kinds of bad things about my boyfriend, and asked her if it were her, would she be able to bear such a man?

She replied I couldn't.

I said, I'm really considering whether to divide it or not. If I divide it, I may have to find another one, which is a bit troublesome.

She said: If you really can't bear it, then share it.

I said: no.I can bear it for now.

She said: I can bear it! ?

Well, I can bear it, even I don't know why I, who is so picky, harsh and irritable, can bear so many things.

In fact, I am often very upset. I want to get angry, but this kind of anger can only be held in my heart, and I can't vent it.

When I was young, I was also frivolous, not afraid of anyone's eyes, and quarreled when I was unhappy, until now——I didn't even have the idea of ​​quarreling.

Maybe I'm sad, and I want to curl up under the covers and cry vulnerablely.

Maybe I'm angry, I want to find someone to complain about but not to fight with that person.

I quarrel less and fight less.

The once irritable self seemed to disappear.

But I don't want to suppress myself like this at all.

So I envy Feitan, love Feitan, and long to be Feitan.

Even if Meteor Street is dark, even if you have to face the threat of death every day, it is better than suppressing yourself in this society and making yourself a person you don't even like.

Life will be given up by us many times, and I have considered ending it, but fortunately I have no courage.

Because even if you end your life, there will be suffering and pain in the next life.

Feitan, it would be great if you appeared in front of me.

Taught me to do things I dared not do.

Ending the life I've been procrastinating on.

Even just passing by like that, I can look at your back and cry wantonly.

What I love may not be the character of Fei Tan, but his gradually enriched soul.

In my eyes, he gradually became an indelible existence side by side with my younger brother.

The author has something to say:

It's a bit emotional =-=