【Xun Si】How Could You Possibly?

Quiet.

Shinji took this silence as a guarantee, and once he stepped into the apartment, there was nothing but emptiness.In addition, there may be the ticking of the faucet that you forgot to turn on, the humming roar of the air conditioner, or the sound of the TV program from the next door.The sounds were pleasing, low frequencies soothing to him as opposed to utter silence, but still, there was no sign of any living things in the cramped little apartment.

Even when he comes back from school.Even if he really returned to the place where he lived, his own participation would not cause the slightest ripple in the dead air.This quietness is impenetrable.

Shinji can't be rowdy - he's the perfect neighbor, courteous to the inhabitants of every floor.He never brought rowdy friends home or listened to the radio too loudly.He will not run out of hot water alone, he will not let the mail pile up on the stairs in front of his door, and he will not default on the rent.

It's as if no one lives here at all.

It's not a problem for him, he doesn't want to be disturbed - no, this sentence may not be credible.But this is a complex issue.hard to explain.Shinji doesn't mind living alone, but being alone is lonely.It would be unbearable to live in an apartment whose quietness and lifelessness would not be altered in the slightest by your own return.This is not home.He can't feel the warmth of home.But then again, he never owned this thing either.

Music may be an exception to this kind of life.Even if it doesn't provide shelter from wind and rain, heating, cooling, or even a stack of tatami mats to sleep on, Shinji still feels that listening to the beautiful string music is much better than staying in this place.He just paid the rent so that outsiders could call it "his."Lying on the mattress in the middle of the room, he missed the feeling of the full notes hitting his eardrums following the beautiful melody, and smiled softly.So he put on earplugs, played an overture, folded his hands behind his head and closed his eyes to listen.A cassette doesn't quite do the magic of the music, doesn't really evoke the feeling that's stirring inside him—happiness—but it's good enough.

Ikari Shinji is a good man.He keeps telling himself like this, underlined the sentence under the resonance of the strings, I'm a good guy... at least I'm not bad.Everyone else thinks the same way, don't they?He had to wrestle with himself in order to accept himself, no easy feat, perhaps harder than acknowledging what others knew about him.In the eyes of others, Shinji is the introverted kid who symbolically sits in the last row of the class; there is nothing special about him, except that he has to talk to him and seems to have no reason to talk to him, and his opinion of this boy is neutral.

That's why a certain review has the after-effects that are sometimes painful to die-a sharp knife cuts out the heart, but the incision is just superficial enough not to spill blood.It hurts.His sporadic contact with others is meaningless, or simply negative-Asuka.He doesn't hate her, she's not bad, she just...seems the complete opposite of Shinji, loud, confident, unafraid of judgment, and speaks her mind.Especially for that quiet boy sitting in the last row of the class.

"Teacher, why didn't Ikari get up and answer questions?" Even if she was drawn by the teacher, she still smiled triumphantly, holding her hands high in the air, neither asking nor answering. "He hasn't said anything in class yet. I don't think you're paying enough attention to him."

Then the teacher would ignore her, the class would turn to look at Shinji, and a few snickers would seep into the quiet air.He'd smile sheepishly, put his hands on his face and pretend it was all right, of course not...that was just Asuka's good-natured joke...he was okay, he was fine.Honestly though, he's no good, even if Asuka just doesn't do it so often, he can hypnotize himself successfully.Small incidents like this happened about once a week, as they seemed on a daily basis, not astronomical indeed - but the peak of the mountain of stress, the occasional spike of social anxiety - had an impact on him Something neither Asuka nor anyone else in the class could understand.Or discover.He kept these deep in his heart.

An ordinary day for him.

Going to school, trying to ignore everything...everyone...he's used to being alone...

Go home and fall asleep on the floor.

Make yourself something to eat.

more music.

Maybe sleep at night.

Quiet is good for sleep.

He rolled over and blinked slowly... hoping the world would be different.

He hates himself, he's cowardly, this isn't the life he wants to live...but Shinji hasn't hit the breaking point yet.He can live like this.He has been in the hell on earth for several years, but there is no change.As much as he tried to please himself by getting up and doing something amazing, reason said it wasn't necessary.So complicated.At the end of the day, who cares?

He didn't need to make the change, and in fact, it wasn't worth it.

So he closed his eyes and lay down, a low-pitched symphony soothing everything that was hurt.Half awake, half asleep, but not alive.