[Wei Yong] Looking for Lilia

Once two bowls of sticky, tasteless oatmeal were down (Yuuri still doesn't know how he drank them), ambitions, no matter how big or inappropriate, were forgotten.

He sits by the fire, his clothes dry as if they just came out of the dryer - if the dryer smells like a tub of water too - oatmeal slowly digesting in his stomach As he spoke, the tactile sensation as if a snail had crawled over still remained on the esophagus.He was hot and his eyelids were clenched.

You have to admit there's nothing romantic about it -- or sexy for that matter.Apart from……

"Do you want more?" Victor asked, holding up the pot - he was wearing a pair of rough dark green overalls and a denim jacket with an invisible color. .He found these all from the closet, and he looked very happy in this clothes that even Yuuri thought he had traveled through from the last century.Yuuri shook his head silently, leaning against the fireplace, the stone walls warmed by the heat.

He shook his head—nothing to complain about, all this, the creaking cabin, the fireplace, the awful oatmeal, and most importantly, Victor smiling at him in front of him, all of it Everything that is not perfect becomes more perfect than the Four Seasons Hotel because of the existence of the last element.This quiet night even gave him an illusion, as if he and Victor were the only ones in the world.He closed his eyes, but opened them quickly.Victor was standing in front of him, leaning down and touching the top of his head.

"I'm going to clean it up," he said, his voice so soft and sleepy, but he couldn't bear to fall asleep—Yuuri just wanted to hear a few more words from him, "Can you be nice? I'll be back soon .”

"Oh please—" Yuuri muttered, "I'll be good, Daddy."

Victor was silent for a while, then suddenly stretched out his hand and squeezed Yuuri's face hard, the pain caused the latter to wake up suddenly and almost jumped up from the ground.

"Ouch!" he cried, tears welling up in his eyes, "what to do!"

Victor shrugged, "See if you're a good baby." He said, perhaps because his back was facing the only light in the room, his pupils looked darker and deeper than usual.But he quickly smiled and backed away.

"Can't you go again tomorrow morning?" Yuuri couldn't help but ask as he watched him put on his shoes - he didn't want Viktor out of his sight for a second, imagining that they needed to be apart was unbearable, and a few The past months of no contact were about to be locked into the "never open" box by him and buried deep in his memory.

"I can, but this pot will be difficult to clean." Victor said, "Remember? We should try not to cause trouble for others." He leaned over and gave Yuuri a quick kiss on the forehead, turned and opened the door to leave Lost.

Yuuri sat there, struggling from the second the sound of Viktor's footsteps faded away, feeling like he had to go after him, feeling like he was too clingy to act like that - so many times after Phichit died In the relationship, the other party's "too clingy" has always been the main reason. Will Victor feel that he is too clingy?What kind of behavior is considered clingy, and what kind of behavior is reasonable?It wasn't until now that he began to feel that he had too little experience. He had never been in a relationship, and he didn't know how to manage a relationship.And - especially unfortunate - the relationship was so important to him, and its beginnings were so messed up.

And—it occurred to him again that they hadn't mentioned that incident, the fact that Victor lied to him—he was split in two, with one side constantly defending Victor (“If he didn't say that You're never going to come, and Victor just wants to give you what you want!" - and it sounds very much like Oprah), while the other side tries to assert their position ("I don't like being lied to...  Even a white lie from Victor...").

In fact, thinking about it carefully, in this matter, what made him feel the most sad was not that Victor lied to him, but that he had such a dizzy few hours that he really took the dream constructed by Victor seriously. ——He actually thought that he had received those affirmations and praises, and what he got from this week of training was far more than a simple performance. He really grasped the lost world in his hands, And he drew courage and confidence out of it—he got the "closure" he wanted, and he thought he'd earned it for himself.

It wasn't earned, but Victor held it in his hands and gave it to him.He felt like a princess in one of those period dramas, sitting in the audience waiting for her knights to honor her—rather than winning them with his own hands, and was it going to be like this from now on?Victor is powerful, omnipotent in a sense, so is Yuuri going to enjoy the glory he brings from now on?Yuuri got these because Viktor liked him (he didn't even dare to think about why Viktor liked him, which is another thing that needs to be sealed), so what if one day he doesn't like Yuuri?He really—really didn't like it, very, very much.Everything that he didn't win with his own hands made him feel uneasy.

If he mentioned it to Victor, it would undoubtedly be equivalent to opening a big box of wriggling worms, which is not good-isn't that what Victor always does, he always tries to send everything he thinks is good. Giving it to Yuuri, and Yuuri's refusal to take it was what hurt him the most.But for Yuuri, those—better learning opportunities, more comfortable life, a farewell stage to win Dzogchen...these are not important, what is important is the process of trying to get them, and in the process Yuuri will who will become.The one who really deserves Victor.

If he wasn't that guy, he'd never stop wondering "why on earth Victor likes me"—and he couldn't live with that doubt forever.

He would rather live in real mediocrity than in the dream built up by the team and audience that Victor brought in through some unknown means.

Oh my God.Yuuri thinks, mindlessly poking the wood with the pokers - a few pieces are so tightly packed that the fire won't get through, the fireplace is already tending to darken - I have to tell Victor, he keeps thinking, but what Well, how can I say it... so that I don't look like a bastard who doesn't know what to do?If he hadn't noticed before, it's now clear that Victor - no matter how powerful - is still an insecure person.

Maybe...should take it slow...anyway...

A piece of wood broke in two and fell on the iron frame outside the fireplace, Yuuri froze subconsciously, and reached out his hand to stop it from falling to the floor - this is a log house, it's just a little bit on fire.

An astonishing pulling force grabbed Yuuri's back clothes and pulled him backwards, Yuuri screamed, his body that was squatting in front of the fireplace fell backwards, and he fell into an embrace.

"Why—" he said blankly, meeting Victor's frightened eyes—and there was a little familiar anger in that expression, Victor put his arms around his neck without saying a word, and the two of them walked away from the fireplace together Moved several feet.

"Do you think—" Victor's face was livid, and his voice sounded muffled, "What do you think you're doing?"

"I..." Yuuri opened his mouth wide, his mind wandering for a moment in a dazed and futile way before he realized what was going on, and he tried to break free from Viktor's arm, but failed.

"That's..." he whispered, "Victor...wood..."

"Forget it," Viktor said, picking up Yuuri and putting him on the bed, before turning back to deal with the fire and the pot thrown by the door, all the while remaining silent and terribly gloomy.

"Victor..." Yuuri whispered behind him, he could more or less guess the reason for Victor's anger - anyone who saw a person who just "jumped himself into the river" was playing with fire and trying to catch the burning fire with his hands Tinder, as long as you care about this person even a little bit, you will be scared out of your wits.

Then he thought of what Victor had said by the lake—a surge of guilt welled up.

"I'm not..." He tried to argue that he was just confused for a moment, because so many thoughts were churning in his head at the same time, instead of wanting to hurt himself-God, he must be one of the last men in the world who don't want to die now one.

"Stop doing this kind of thing again," Viktor said, standing by the fireplace without looking back at Yuuri, he was staring at the fire, the light dancing on his face, he looked like a statue, Yuuri couldn't imagine what he was thinking Thinking about something, just like he didn't dare to think about what Victor was thinking when he hugged his lifeless self and was sent by the water two kilometers away—he walked over, and the more Victor didn't look at him, the more disturbing he felt. flustered.Yuuri walked over, pinched the corner of Victor's sleeve and tugged.

"Victor..." he whispered, he had an urge to hug Victor's neck and give him a big kiss, but reason told him that acting like a baby is definitely not a good choice at this time—not to mention he doesn't know how to act like a baby at all , "I'm sorry...but this is..."

Victor turned his head, his facial features were in the shadows, and no expression could be seen.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked softly.

Yuuri thought he had heard it wrong—it took him a while to put the words together.

"No," he said, "that was a misunderstanding...I..."

"Yuuri..." Victor said, "If you need a moment, I can..."

"What? God, no!" Yuuri was about to jump up, what the hell takes time, you don't have to have a lot of relationship experience to know that "I need time" means "no we'll never be together", how about Victor Can you think so? "No no no—" He was about to jump in anxiety, but Victor turned to the fire again. "Look at me!" He turned Victor's face away angrily, "Listen to me!"

Viktor looks at him with a resigned calmness—like he'll accept anything Yuuri asks of him.

"Listen to me..." Yuuri said, taking a deep breath, "This is a misunderstanding, this is all a misunderstanding, you have to trust me—I have no intention of... hurting myself." Compared to "suicide" He chose a less pointed word.

Victor looked at him, a self-deprecating smile in his pure blue eyes.

"It's true!" Yuuri tugged at the collar of his coat and turned to himself, "I wasn't thinking just now... No, my brain was somewhere else... I mean..." The more he explained, the more confused he became, and Victor doesn't say a word, just looks at him, which doesn't help, "I mean...that's just me being stupid."

"...a lot of times," Viktor said softly, "you confuse me, Yuuri." He paused for a moment, then added, "There are things you do...that I don't understand...on the bridge..."

"It was an accident," Yuuri said, and Viktor's expression seemed to say "Yeah, an accident," and Yuuri quickly grabbed his collar to keep him from ducking, "You have to trust me! ...there was a deer... It came out of nowhere, I can't... I can't hit it..."

The suspicion in Victor's eyes lessened a little, but he still wasn't entirely convinced. "That sounds like something you'd do," he muttered, but his brows were still furrowed, and before he could breathe a sigh of relief, he added, "If you're not...then why are you there?"

Here it comes?A wave of timidity floated through Yuuri's heart.He's talking to Victor about it before he's ready - what they've got right now is like the most unreal, sweetest dream, and if it hits the rocks - it's not been a night - then he'll I regret that I just wanted to grab that piece of wood without using my brain.

"I...I have something to ask Chris," he said.

Victor was not fooled so easily.

"what's up?"

"It's a long story..." Yuuri said, "I..."

They both looked at each other silently for a few seconds.

"...you know." Victor said in a low voice, didn't say what he knew, but they both knew what they knew, and Yuuri couldn't even bring himself to surprise Victor's ability to read minds—he was just a book in front of Victor The open book, he already understood this.Victor lowered his head and smiled blankly.

"I see," Yuuri admits, his heart pounding, "I...I mean...you should...you should have told me earlier."

Victor touched his face.

"I didn't intend to keep it from you forever," he said, "especially after 'she' showed up—I guess you'll be able to piece it all together."

"Then why didn't you say it?" Yuuri asked, his mind preoccupied with Viktor's, and he grabbed Viktor's hand that was stroking him and wouldn't let it go.

Viktor didn't answer, he was just silent, and from that silence Yuuri already got the answer - he couldn't say it, when they had been through so many panicked events, they finally found Lilia, even in Viktor's plan She was also an "unexpected joy", they walked so far, and finally got close to each other at that moment-he couldn't be willing to break it right away.

Yuuri tilted his head and kissed Victor's palm lightly.

"I'll tell you," Victor said, "I'll tell you everything."

Then I will listen to you.His eyes seemed to speak.

Yuuri thought for a while.He's amazed that Viktor sees through so much of his mind and never realizes one thing: how much Yuuri loves him.

"We should probably sit down," he said, "I...I have a lot to ask you. But before..." He grabbed Victor by the collar again, tiptoed and kissed Victor on the forehead, Viktor looked at him in surprise, "I love you." Yuuri said, "Just... remember this, and if I say something wrong, don't... don't run away from me... I just want to be with you ,As long as you are willing to."

Victor reached out and hugged him tightly.

"I'll remember." He whispers in Yuuri's ear, "I'll…I'll always remember."

A few minutes later, they sat down by the fireplace, Yuuri with blankets wrapped around him, each of them facing the fire, with a cup of hot water on the floor in front of them, neither of them knowing what to say.

"How long have you been looking for her?" Yuuri broke the deadlock, "I mean Lilia." He took a sip of the hot water, which was sweet, but had a strange smell from the iron pot.

"She was never really lost," Victor said. "Although she left, there were always letters and Christmas cards in the mail telling us where she was and what she was doing...but Yakov didn't get back to her because It was she who left, and he was too proud to admit missing her, and when Lilia found out about it, she changed the addressee to me. Until a year and a half ago, Yakov adopted Yura, He finally found an excuse...or maybe he finally figured it out and decided not to waste time anymore...He wrote her an excuse to ask her if Yura was 'really kind of talented' and then they went Contact was restored. Yakov and I came here for Thanksgiving that year, and that was the first time I saw the Blue Jays Theater—I started thinking about it as a…” He gestured vaguely.

"A year and a half..." Yuuri swallows, he can't believe Victor was thinking about it back then, what was he doing back then? "How long have you been planning?"

"It's been about two years since I first had this idea," Victor said. "Yang, JJ, and Leo are friends I met in college—they were all happy to help me with this little favor, but time and Staffing is not that easy to deploy.”

Yuuri's eyes were wide open, his breathing was a little short of breath—two years!Victor had planned this for two years...and he started to think about why JJ looked so familiar, he and Victor were classmates in college, maybe he was in one of the many pictures of classmates that Victor had taken together.

"...does everyone know?" Yuuri asked, "I mean, they..."

"Only the ones you know," Victor said, "the rest...they just know they're doing someone a favor, and I think they think it's JJ."

Yuuri feels a little better - at least not everyone thinks he's a fool...but thinking of the people he's known, he thought they thought of him as a friend...

"They like you," Victor said, "Leo and Kenjiro will leave it alone, Yang and JJ—they're not the kind of snobbish guys who want to look at other people's face. I mean, if you still want to believe me..."

"I'll always believe in you!" Yuuri blurted out, feeling a little embarrassed when he finished, "I mean..." He hurried to add something, but Viktor looked at him with a mixture of surprise and The expression of gratitude made him unable to say anything - what I said was not false.He thought to himself, I just will always believe in you.Thinking of this, I feel that the explanation is completely superfluous.

The two of them looked at each other, and there was another silence.

"They like you," said Victor, "it's true—you have a magic that can win anyone's affection..."

"That's not true." Yuuri blushed and retorted in a low voice, he still felt that he was not the same person in Victor's eyes.But Victor shrugged and smiled.

"We disagree," he said, "but if you think they only think of you as a friend because of me—you're going to make them sad."

Yuuri doesn't answer - he's reminiscing about being with his friends, and even he can't imagine that if it's all "care" for Victor's sake, no one can play that well.

He didn't know what to say, his eyes were slightly moist.

"Why here?" Yuuri asked, resisting the urge to cry out of shame, "Why this place..."

"Because it's ideal," Victor said, "the distance and distance are suitable, neither short nor long, and the capacity of the theater is just right, it won't overwhelm the audience and make you nervous, and the facilities are advanced and perfect—"

"What's the point of that—" Yuuri muttered, "if the audience isn't real..." He paused because of the surprise on Viktor's face, and soon they were both watching with the exact same expression looking at each other.

"... Yuuri," Victor looked helpless and wanted to laugh, "I... I'm not as powerful as you think—I can't manipulate five hundred people."

Yuuri kept his mouth slightly open, a part of his mind that reacted very quickly seemed to explode, and the rest of his mind was still reacting slowly, as if what happened that night—was pushed down overnight by Yuuri himself , and then rebuild it again, and experience it all again.He felt dizzy.

"You said..." he said intermittently, "You said you wouldn't lie to me..."

"I didn't," Victor said, and he leaned over, half-kneeling in front of Yuuri, and wiped away the tears he had fallen unconsciously, the tears of excitement, disbelief, and boulders—Victor sighed.

"The reason I brought you here," he said, "is because I want to give you the best of dreams—a top-notch dance company, a perfect stage, and a real audience—and I want you to have it all. .”

He took Yuuri's hand and brought it to his lips to kiss it lightly.Firelight flickered on his drooping eyelashes.

"But I have never doubted your ability for a second." Victor said, when he said that, his eyes suddenly burst out with unquestionable pride and confidence. It is a belief that cannot be denied in any way, " You have the magical power to conquer the world, and I never doubted for a second that you can touch anyone, unless he has lost his soul a long time ago." He smiled, "...just like how you conquered me."

It was at that moment, if magic existed, that it really came.Yuuri used to think that people's evaluation of him was very important, and he longed to be affirmed by more people, because only in this way could he get closer to the self who "worthy of Victor". He used to suffer because everything might be fake, but in At this moment, knowing that they are all real, they suddenly no longer matter.

The only thing he cares about in this world is Victor.He had conquered Viktor, just as Viktor had conquered him all those years ago—they were already equals.

He couldn't speak the right words, and it seemed as if he had a tennis ball stuck in his throat.Even the tears don't help him anymore, he just looks at Victor stupidly, mouth half-open, until Victor laughs and taps the tip of his nose.

"I can't believe it's you who you're suspicious of," he said. "Did I mention—I'm actually the choreographer for this show?"

The answer seemed to be obvious, and it was only at this moment that it was clearly uttered.It all made sense all of a sudden, and all of this put together, all of Victor's painstaking efforts, were all for one thing.

"I want Yuuri to see you in my eyes." Victor said, "How cute, how perfect..."

"You are my baby."