[Wei Yong] Looking for Lilia

"I still don't understand." After four hours of quiet driving, Yuuri suddenly said that Victor was steering the wheel-not long ago they left the highway and drove to the nearest motel shown on the GPS. It was already dark, the beef burger was almost consumed, both of them were hungry and tired, and they hadn't talked for several hours.

"Well, to tell you one last time," Victor replied, "I listen to Taylor Swift on the road because I think she's the most road trip-themed singer, and, I love her."

"Oh you couldn't be more wrong my friend," Yuuri said, "The best road trip themed singer will always be AC/DC...wait a minute, who said that?"

"Ok, ok, let's each take a step back - how about we both admit that Jayz is the best?"

"What, Jayz? Never—again, this is not what I want to talk about—are you serious, jayz?" Victor smiled smugly, and Yuuri realized he was being led by Victor himself again, "That's not important!" he said angrily, "Don't interrupt me any more!"

Victor shrugged, expressing his innocence.Yuuri had to stop talking and let himself take a few deep breaths, and when he calmed down completely, he found that there was nothing else in his mind except the surprise that Victor liked Taylor and JAYZ at the same time.

Well," he said quietly, "I forgot what I was going to say. "

"Considering that the last time we had a decent conversation, I explained to you the importance of doing some bromance, and you looked at me like a child kidnapper, and since then it has gotten really tense and you I haven't said a word to me for three hours and 58 minutes, so I'll guess—you like Adele. Hey!" Yuuri pulled out the map from the glove box and threw it on him, and Victor called out, "That's dangerous !" he said, but still didn't give up that narrow smile, "Oh come on, you know what you want to admit! Maybe tomorrow I'll let you choose the song."

Yuuri endured and endured - the temptation to stop listening to Taylor Swift on tomorrow's trip was so tempting that he almost wavered.

"I just want to know," he said, "why are you so obsessed with asking me to go out with that girl?—Plus I don't like Adele, I just like hello." He added the last sentence quickly , face burning red in the dark.Victor chuckled as if anticipating his reaction, and Yuuri straightened his neck and stared straight ahead, making up his mind not to look at him.

"Well, if you must know," Victor said, "because I can't let you continue to be 'Virgin 23,' you can count this as one of Victor's unfulfilled wishes. Oh honey, don't deny it, Everyone at school knows you're a 23-year-old virgin, even the nerds in the archeology department."

"What, who said that?" Yuuri yelled, and then he quickly closed his eyes and took a deep breath, because he saw Viktor's smile deepen, and it made him want to wipe it away with his hands, "—that's not Important, of course I won't be a virgin 23 forever!" He said angrily, "As long as that day comes..."

"When the day comes... how about it?"

"When that day comes... I'll be 24." Yuuri played a trick, and then suddenly realized that he still got himself involved. The only nickname that could be more pathetic than Virgin 23 is Virgin 24, right?Oh no, and 'wet pants', when you're 23, the only nickname more shameful than virgin23 and virgin24 is 'wet pants'. "...pretend I didn't say it." He said angrily, and turned to the car window.Viktor chuckled, and from the clear reflection in the car window, Yuuri noticed that the teasing smirk on his face had completely disappeared, and the corners of his mouth were as straight as a straight line.

"Oh, dear Yuuri." Victor said, shaking his head, "My lovely, kind Yuuri! How come you are still a virgin today? Tell me, is there no girl in the whole school who can catch your eye?"

"Of course not!" Yuuri said angrily, but he didn't know what he was angry about. Maybe it was Victor's casual talk about the topic of virgins that made him feel ashamed and annoyed, or maybe discussing emotional issues with Victor made him feel angry With very complicated feelings, he became unscrupulous, "I just don't want to be so casual..."

"You sound like a high school girl, you know, you sound like a high school girl?" Victor said, "Oh my god, wait a minute," he suddenly said seriously, "I forgot such an important Things! You don’t like boys, do you?”

"What—" the blood rushed to the top of Yuuri's head, his neck was red, and he could only shrink into his coat. Fortunately, it was Victor's coat, and it was big enough to cover most of Yuuri's body Zhang face, "Of course not! I'm straight."

"Oh!" Victor said, looking relieved, why on earth was he relieved? ? ? ?So what if Yuuri likes men, does that affect him? —a snarling question echoed in Yuuri's head, "Oh honey, don't be angry, I'm just—you have a really weird relationship with that Phichit kid."

"Phichit and I are not surprised!" Yuuri said loudly, Victor glanced at him, and he quickly retracted himself into Victor's coat again, like a tortoise caught in a cool breeze, "What's so strange?"

"Well, okay," Victor shrugged, "You are friends from high school, I understand that, but how many of you are still living with your good friends from high school after graduating from high school for four years?"

"You're so..." Yuuri searched for a long time and couldn't find an adjective to describe his arbitrary judgment, so he could only say, "Just because you're estranged from your best friends from high school doesn't mean everyone wants to be like that! Some of the time - some of the people - if you just do your part, you can make sure he's never going to be rusty, okay?"

Victor didn't answer, just glanced at him again, and a huge light sign flew past them in a hurry ("500 meters ahead, Hamilton Hotel, your sweet one-night home!"), the red light shone on his calm On his face, his expression was drowned in color.

"Just try?" he repeated. "Just that, is that enough?"

"Well, a little bit of luck," Yuuri admits, "This university wasn't the first choice for me and Phichit, but he likes the dorm environment here, and I..." He ends up at this school with He made a choice among the other because the other school that offered him an offer was very close to the city where Victor lived, less than an hour's drive away, but if he said it, it would be tantamount to throwing a slap in Victor's face. A bomb was being dropped on the road, so he cautiously bluffed the subject, "So we can always be together, work hard, and have a little bit of luck." He glanced at Victor, who looked thoughtful, and he Said: "So it's not the mess you said! Phichit and I just cherish this friendship very much."

After a while, Viktor whispered, "I believe what you said." He said, "Sometimes... just a little bit of luck." He pulled himself together quickly, and said before Yuuri had time to say anything : "So, you have nothing to do with Phichit, right?"

"Totally, nothing!" Yuuri said, "I beg you, stop calling us a 'couple', he's like a real brother to me—it feels like incest." He Making a face, Victor laughed.

"I was wrong," he said, "so you're straight?"

"Very straight," Yuuri said, "couldn't be any straighter—you know why?"

"Well," Victor said casually, "mainly because I don't want to mistake the target group, it would be embarrassing, right, we don't have much time, if you want to get rid of the title of virgin 23 before you find Lilia, you have to treat me Just being completely honest will speed things up."

"...oh that's so weird," Yuuri said, "you sound like a complete psycho. Why do you have to help me get rid of that nickname?"

"I'm not going to argue with you again why a guy shouldn't be a virgin at 23, like you said, it's weird—" Victor said, "unless you tell me why you haven't been with anyone yet Dated, too picky?"

"of course not!"

"You should be picky," Victor said, "there's no gender distinction these days."

"...Anyway, you should have a reason." Yuuri muttered, and the car slowly drove into the motel parking lot, "It will come again, I found that we are always talking about me, so what about you Woolen cloth?"

"Well, what?" Victor said, looking like he was playing dumb, "I'm fine, thank you for your concern."

"Oh don't pretend," Yuuri said, suddenly interested, "how are you doing?"

"How about what?" Victor said, pretending to be serious about finding a parking space, "where?"

Yuuri rolled his eyes, "You can be more stupid," he sarcastically said, "Relationship life!...are you straight?" Before today, he never thought he would discuss it with Victor The question of sexuality, which slowly boils the temperature under his skin, is so, so, so weird, why is he discussing sexuality with Victor?Whatever the answer, he won't go untouched.

"Oh!" Victor said, still pretending that he had just understood, "That... I don't really know."

"……what?"

"I mean... oh maybe I shouldn't have to admit this to you, it's really weird... ("You think that's weird?!" Yuuri called) I mean... well, years Before, I had a relationship that, uh... went wrong. You know it was a relationship that I valued, and there was... well, this guy, I like this guy so much, but something irreparable happened, I said something, he said something, and anyway...we're done."

Although Yuuri was very curious about Victor's love life before this, actually listening to him talk about a certain obviously influential past caused a lot of ripples in Yuuri's heart. Deliberately repaying someone in the same way, no, he doesn't want to know what Victor's love life is like, if possible, he doesn't even want to hear a word, but he still does it, only Said that the untimely competitive spirit would dig a grave for him sooner or later and bury him alive with his own hands. He could only bite the bullet and listen, because Victor parked the car, but he didn't intend to get out of the car.He seemed to have really been tugged at a certain chord.

"So you broke up?" Yuuri asked, Viktor seemed to be thinking about something, the quiet air forced him to open his mouth and try to break it.

"Not exactly." Victor said, "I mean, we didn't...we just gradually lost contact." He pursed his lips, "but I actually... I cherish this relationship very much, if it is not love, At least hope we're friends, you know? I was desperate during that time, I have to say, because I desperately wanted to be able to... moveon, because if I want to be friends with someone, I have to promise not to hug There's...some other relationship, and I really, really want this person to stay with me, just to be friends. So I've dated quite a few guys, girls, oh I've been in a relationship once This girl, her sexuality is household appliances."

"...So, she's crazy," Yuuri said, "You dated crazy people?"

"Hey, that's pretty biased!" Victor said, but he couldn't help laughing, too. "Her love letters to my TV were so touching! . . . well, well, I've dated crazy people," he admits Yeah, Yuuri smiled, but soon he remembered the subject of the conversation and couldn't laugh anymore.

"So...how did it turn out? Did you meet someone 'special'."

"Ugh, I just told you I dated a girl who likes appliances, how special do you want?  … ok I was wrong, sorry, I'll be serious - actually, they're all special, I mean , there are no two people who are exactly the same in this world, isn't it? Everyone is special, but regardless of interests, hobbies, looks, etc., you will gradually find that they are all similar - understanding, romantic, smart ...I'm not saying I don't like it, it's just...it's not something I particularly care about." Victor leaned back in the chair, and he looked at Yuuri with his head sideways, "Do you understand what I mean? They all So...so considerate."

"Got it," Yuuri said reluctantly, "They're nice, but they're not what you want—do you mean that?"

Viktor looks at him and nods approvingly, as if Yuuri has spoken his mind, but it's obvious, Yuuri is just expressing his first feeling.

"But you probably don't know," Yuuri said, "when people deal with you, they often can't help but become... impersonal, submissive, considerate, as you say." Viktor looked a little surprised.

"Are you saying I'm bossy?" he asked, "I made you feel that way?"

"Uh, you're a bit domineering...but I don't mean that, I mean, you're nice, you know, you're kind of...so nice, most people would be a little...not confident in front of you, and then of course Will try to obey you more, please you - this may seem impersonal and considerate to you, you know?"

Victor looked at him, blinking.Yuuri suddenly regrets why he said these things, it's so stupid, Victor doesn't like those people, which is at least good news for Yuuri, but he doesn't know why, he just feels a little bit wronged suddenly - because he is also everyone One of those people who, if he didn't happen to live and grow up next door to Victor, would be one of those people that Victor finds boring, or worse, he's not even pretty enough to get Victor's attention.He just couldn't help but want to argue—it wasn't that other people were bad, it was Victor, and Victor was so good that anyone around him would be dimmed.

"But you never follow me." Victor said suddenly, "Am I not good enough for you?"

"I'm not following you!" Yuuri yelled, and it was just too much, "Hey, hello, do you know why we're sitting here?"

"Because I asked you for help, but you asked me to get out of your life instead." Victor said, winking at Yuuri aggrievedly through his bangs, "Did I remember wrong?"

"...that doesn't count." Yuuri had no choice but to say, feeling very guilty, "but other times... I follow you!"

"Oh, that's true," Victor said, "so can I understand that you like me a little too?"

"I..." Yuuri was almost caught by him, but fortunately he stopped himself in time to avoid further embarrassment, "This is not the same thing at all!" he said angrily, feeling a little sad at the same time. "Can you stop making such jokes, it's not fun at all!"

"Well, I was wrong." Victor said, he poked his index finger at the poodle pendant hanging on the rearview mirror, and saw it sway from side to side, but he didn't say anything else.Yuuri regretted the silence.

"So you...how are you and that person?" He found a new topic, and suddenly realized that he still doesn't know whether the person who is so important to Victor is a man or a woman. This secrecy is frustrating enough —like it’s a secret garden in Viktor’s mind, and he could open the door a tiny crack for Yuuri to sneak a peek, for old love’s sake, but he refuses to share more because it’s him Anyone who takes a second look at this private matter will tarnish the sanctity of this relationship——Thinking of this, he suddenly realized that, after all, he still hoped that Victor would treat him differently, even though this differential treatment once made him feel particularly guilty and pain, but he actually likes being treated as "someone special" by Victor.

"It didn't work." Victor said, "Some things just can't go back to the past." Yonglin replied dumbly, oh my God, how did he let himself fall into this situation, he and Victor sat in the car and talked to Victor The most important relationship, a past that was so important to him but Yuuri knew nothing about, he should have known, they shouldn't talk too much about these sensitive topics, it wouldn't do anyone any good.

"I'm sorry," Yuuri said, "I shouldn't have brought this up, Victor, really."

"Nothing to apologize for," Victor said, "I crossed the line first, but now that we're here...do you think I should try again?"

"……try what?"

"I mean, if there is one person, you have to know this person... who understands everything I've been through, understands my every thought, and as long as I'm with this person, even just for one day, I'm going to be very happy for the rest of my life... Do you think I should try again for our future? Should I... take courage and go... try to let this person know my feelings?"

Yuuri looked him in the eye, confused—Victor seemed to be expecting something, like if Yuuri said "okay, go" he'd actually do it, he looked completely lost.Yuuri knew that the most correct, or standard, answer at the moment was "Of course! You should go for it" But, is it true then?

"Yuuri?" Victor said, smiling a bit, "You're in a daze, is it so hard to decide?"

"I...I don't know," Yuuri said, "I mean..." He didn't know where the courage came from, and he said, "I don't think...you should have done that."

Viktor froze, "Even if it's possible for me to be happy?" he asked eagerly, and Yuuri immediately realized that wasn't the answer Viktor wanted, but so what, he asked Yuuri's opinion, then Yuuri would Answer him according to your true thoughts, this is probably the only thing an ordinary person can do, "Even if this is what I want most? Even..."

"I don't know! Okay." Yuuri cut him off, "I don't know... Maybe you shouldn't ask me, I mean, I have nothing to do with it, I don't know anything... But if you ask I, I don't think you should... try again."

The two were quiet for a while, Yuuri stared at the glove box, and Victor stared at Yuuri's profile, "I don't believe it." Victor said decisively, "It's not like that, you don't understand..."

"You already had your chance, Viktor," Yuuri said, "if anything could have happened, don't you think it should have happened a long time ago, when you were still together?" Viktor froze, biting own lower lip. "I don't know...it's really not something I can give you an answer...but if you ask me, I will say, let yourself go, don't get hurt anymore, don't be that desperate person gone."

Because that broke my heart.He said in his heart, even though many years have passed, even if Victor himself may have forgotten how painful it was, even when he was able to tell Yuuri about the past, and even wanted to try again, knowing that he had fallen into Desperation, which still breaks Yuuri's heart - long before he understood the definition of "love", this person carried countless emotions. He is Yuuri's brother, friend, and someone he respects. This person also has someone who can't get it, which makes Yuuri feel uncomfortable as if he went back to the moment when he was lying in bed eight years ago and was told that he would never be able to dance again-the same powerlessness and sadness.

Victor stared at him for a long while.Finally, with a low laugh, he leaned his head on the back of the chair and closed his eyes.

"Work hard, and a little bit of luck." He muttered to himself, "It seems that luck is never on my side, is it?"