[Shenya] Aphasia

I thought I was sick.

My illness made me feel that the world with clear sky and earth suddenly merged into chaos again.I no longer understand everything that my mind was like a mirror. The joy and pain, happiness and misfortune, and love that I used to be able to express clearly can only accumulate in my body now, like a balloon. Vent everywhere, there will always be a day when you will be smashed to pieces.The more people love me, the sooner that day will come.

I don't have much confidence in myself.Maybe I should find a safe place to hide and break alone.

"Oh, it's a cat!"

A soft moan came from the top of his head, which attracted the white-haired boy to look up.

It was a cat with dirty hair, which was stuck in the water pipe on the outer wall of the building on the street.No one knows how it got there, as it's clearly beyond its reach.The cat hid in the gap and shivered. Seeing someone looking over, it raised its voice and made a more pitiful cry for help.

"I'll save you." Allen yelled at the cat, "Don't be afraid, I, I'll save you."

He stepped onto the base of the building, hugged the dirty water pipe, and climbed up. The joints of the water pipe became his upward support point.Occasionally, people stopped by the street to watch, and the young girl started to take out her mobile phone to take pictures of this handsome guy who saved the cat.

His khaki coat was stained with stains on the wall, as was the white shirt underneath, but he didn't seem to notice it.

Climbing to the height of almost three floors, he picked up the terrified tabby cat and hugged it in his arms.The cat was still very nervous, the fur on its tail stood up, it buried its furry head in the human's arms, and stretched out its sharp claws to firmly dug into his shoulders.

"Don't be afraid." Allen grinned in pain, but he could only clenched his teeth and hugged the cat, holding the pipe with one hand, and carefully moved it down inch by inch.

"Be careful, young man!" Someone among the onlookers issued a kind reminder.

Allen smiled at the man with difficulty, and stretched out his feet to reach the next fulcrum.

"You treasure all life and hide yourself."

Allen was taken aback.

"This kind of stupid behavior will only hurt yourself twice."

This is what Kanda once said, and when it echoed in his ears at this moment, Allen could even see his sneering face, and he was taken aback.

"Hey! Watch your step!"

The moment he stepped on the air, he subconsciously moved the cat lying on his shoulder into his arms and hugged it tightly.

As soon as Kanda Yu entered the door, he slammed the bag in his hand on the sofa from a distance, and Allen flinched when he saw this.

"Do you want to die? Do you want to die?!"

Kanda buttoned his collar and pressed him on the back of the sofa, yelling like crazy: "That's a cat! You want to die for it? Do you know what's going on with you now? Two blood clots are running in your brain Wait, just wait for you to hit me like this! Can't you restrain your overflowing sympathy at this time?"

Although he couldn't understand, Allen Jomo felt his anger.

"To be saved, to be saved." He defended in a low voice.

"Let your bloody get out!" Kanda let go of him, staring at his trembling fingers because of fear, "Should I take you to the school dormitory and sleep next to me every night, so that you No chance to abuse your deadly affectation?"

Allen grabbed his finger in a daze, only then did he realize that his lover's rage came from extreme worry.

"Sorry……"

He shrugged, trying to express his apology with his pitifully few words: "I didn't, I didn't think about it. I'm fine, but, I'm sorry."

Kanda's anger got stuck in the middle, he arched his body dejectedly, his long hair hanging down his face, so that the other party could only see his hooked back.

"This is the first time I love someone, I'm learning, but you," he said hoarsely, "Bean sprouts, are you really working hard?"

The people around him didn't respond for a long time, Kanda raised his head and saw that guy was secretly smiling.

He rolled his eyes towards the ceiling and stood up.

"Now change out your dirty clothes and follow me to do an EEG," he curled his lips. "This afternoon's plan is ruined again."

Fortunately, the results of the EEG showed that Allen's hematoma was only displaced medically, which could be ignored.Kanda made a false alarm, but couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief.

"I know you are eager to communicate after a short conversation, but please don't always go out on the street like this, okay?" He stared at Allen helplessly, "The origin of those gangsters who smashed the hotel has not been found out, and I There's enough trouble."

Allen looked at him, a ray of light trembled slightly in his pupils.

Kanda stared at him: "...let's go back."

He needs more training.Kanda thought so.Although he didn't quite understand the feeling of being suddenly hollowed out, it must be terrible. He hoped that this fool's life could have something richer to enrich it, so that he could come out of the chaos.

"Okay bean sprouts," he let out a long breath, "we will continue to retell the practice in the afternoon."

Allen knocked the water glass in his hand on the table heavily.

He seemed a little annoyed, he crossed Kanda and walked out the door in a muffled voice.Due to the height difference of half a human head, Kanda saw his collarbone hidden in the collar of his shirt, and the two beautiful arcs seemed to be deeper than before.Allen can eat very well, and his excellent body metabolism allows him to maintain the figure that a young man of his age should have. Kanda grabbed his arm to prevent him from leaving, but was thrown away angrily, so he was surprised that he didn't know when I lost some weight.

He was supposed to be a healthy and happy big boy who would blush when he got close to a girl and laugh loudly when he was recognized.Too many things happened this winter, enough to break the wings of a high-spirited young man. Kanda doesn't know what he was like before, but he must not be like this now.

This is the path he chose, but it makes it difficult for his lover.

This kind of muddy day lasted for two weeks, and Allen's rehabilitation training seemed to have entered a bottleneck period. Although he strictly followed Kanda's requirements to talk to him on the phone or practice by himself day after day, there was no progress.The international students couldn't get away from the busy preparation of materials. He met some alumni who participated in the lectures together.

Two weeks later, Li Nali received a call from the owner of the musical instrument store on time, saying that the London branch had arranged to deliver the instrument to the bus station near Lake Windermere.So the four of them boarded the train to London together.

Kanda cleared his throat and asked why he had to take the time to come too.

"Who told Ayou to rush to pay the balance?" The rabbi felt amused.

Kanda had nothing to say, rested his mind restlessly with his chin resting on his chin and eyes closed.

"Excellent?" Seeing this, Allen reached out to test his forehead, but he pushed it away: "I'm fine."

The rabbi straightened up and wanted to say something, but Li Nali quickly pressed the back of his hand and shook her head.

It seems that the Lake District National Park has just had a lingering spring rain. The ground is wet and full of water, and the new flowers and leaves are washed so delicately.They walked along the lakeside on the path they used to go all the way through several small towns before they found the truck that transported the piano.So the car continued to drive on the muddy path, Li Nali sat in the co-driver and guided the driver, and the three crowded in the back seat.Kanda was disturbed by the bumps, turned his head to see the other two enjoying the scenery of the lake and mountains with great interest, and could only look at his fingers without saying a word.

He heard Li Nali telling the driver that she had asked her friends in the town to clean up the smashed things.I feel a little uneasy in my heart, and I always feel that something is missing. I only hope that this uneasiness is just an illusion produced by my brain due to a cold.

"I'm going back to Japan soon."

"what?"

The rabbi and Li Nali Qiqi turned their heads.

"Ask for leave and go home to go through some formalities." Kanda explained.

"Take Allen back!"

The rabbi blurted out, but this time Li Nali didn't have time to stop her.

Allen understood his name and turned back with a question.

"Ayou's home, Allen, it's home!" The rabbi happily poked his arm, "His parents, brother, where he grew up...do you understand what I mean?" He gave Kanda a wink, very dissatisfied.

Allen thought for a while, then nodded solemnly, not sure if he understood or was willing to go.

Unknowingly, I have arrived at the door of "Windermere Fairy". The red and white exterior wall of this building has been washed clean and clean by the rain. The smashed potted plants have been cleaned up without any soil left, and the windows on the first floor are open. , the last piece of broken glass was also cleaned up.If you don't look at the overgrown weeds in the garden and the dust on the floor after walking through the gate, everything is just as it was before the accident, nothing happened.

There was nothing in the front hall except a cabinet. Li Nali simply cleaned the dust and asked the porter to carry the piano in and assemble it. The shiny white grand piano standing alone in the huge space seemed a bit awkward.

Li Nali clapped her hands contentedly: "It's so beautiful, it suits you, Allen!"

"I'm going to weed the yard—if that weeder is still there," she took off her coat and put it on the counter. "Allen, try the sound."

Allen was pushed onto the piano bench, so he tried all the keys one by one, and smiled at the rabbi: "No problem."

"Wow!" The rabbi put on a happy expression, "You should come here often to entertain customers! After all, you didn't seem to want to touch the piano before."

Received Kanda's questioning gaze, he shrugged his shoulders: "After all, no one wants to deliberately recall painful things—especially when they already have marks that the other party can't erase."

Kanda observed the expression of the boy on the piano bench, which was clean and bright in the golden halo of sunlight coming in through the window hole.Why is he so calm now?Why did he still love the world and those people he once loved without complaint after encountering such misfortune?

Where is your bottom line?

Kanda stared at him with water in his eyes, as if he would reach out to hug his lover in the next second.If you can't understand his bottom line, how can you protect him?How to push away all the ensuing injuries for him?

Somewhat viciously, he hoped to see Allen collapse once, so that he could hold him steady, and promise that there would be no second time.This kind of thought popped up more than once, but every time it disappeared in the boy's moon-like eyes.Allen is always like a mystery, is it because they don't have a tacit understanding?Hell, there is no such thing as tacit understanding in this world, only proficiency and understanding.Does he understand him?

Later, Kanda realized how dull his thoughts were, because when Allen collapsed, he also felt the heart-wrenching pain.

All the peace was interrupted by Li Nali's screams in the garden that day.

The rabbi rushed out first, and Kanda followed closely. He turned over the weeds and saw several sections of the wrought iron fence falling down in the corner.This location is not easy to find, so the people who cleaned the house didn't care. The reason why Li Nali touched it was because there was Kuluo's food bowl here.

And that big golden retriever, whose fur was as bright as a ripe wheat ear in autumn, was stuck in the deformed fence at this time, with a dim coat, shapeless, and sleeping peacefully.

It was probably tired of begging for food in the town, and wanted to go back to its food bowl, maybe it was suddenly filled with its favorite leg bones.

But the weeds are growing wildly, the owner has not returned, and there is nothing here.

It flicked its big fluffy tail in disappointment, and wanted to get out, but it was caught by the weak hedge and couldn't move.

It may have called for help, and even endured hunger and howling at night.But in a sparsely populated town, there are stray cats and dogs howling in the middle of the night every day, so who cares about it?

The last second before it closes its eyes may still have some expectations. The host or hostess who often lives here will rush back, kiss its head, and bring it a pot of hot milk...until the deadline Hope to turn into ashes.

In the end, it can only be stuck here, starving to death.

The rabbi dragged the girl to the back as fast as he could and hugged her tightly.

"Ayou..."

Kanda stared blankly at Kuro's protruding eyeballs, and didn't realize it until the rabbi's voice pierced his eardrums. He had to hide this from Allen, otherwise that guy would suffer forever.

He turned his head and saw Allen standing behind him, stepping back.

He saw a complex expression on his face that he had never seen before. Apart from pain, there was also sharp disgust and despair. If Kanda guessed correctly, it was disgust and despair towards himself.

"Hey, bean..."

"Ah ah ah ah ah…………"

The boy who was still laughing a minute ago hugged his arm and groaned.

Kanda was taken aback, seeing that his fingertips almost pinched the sleeves tightly buttoned into the skin, he hurriedly pulled his arm: "Bean sprouts, don't mess around!"

Allen shook his head like crazy and screamed.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

"Calm down, you idiot!" Kanda stepped forward, raised his head with both hands, and shouted, "It's not your fault, do you understand? It's not your fault, nor her!...You look at me!"

Allen was forced to look him in the eye, but there was nothing, not even focus.He just yelled unconsciously.Kanda heard his broken voice in front of her, full of heart-piercing helplessness.

"Ah--ah--"

"You coward!" Kanda reprimanded angrily when he found that any ordinary comfort was useless at this time, "Do you think that everything is over and there is nothing to do? See for yourself."

He ignored Allen's stagger and dragged him to Kuro, pointing to the beautiful silver collar around its neck, which should be the most expensive thing Allen bought for it: "It's your important friend, isn't it?" It is still waiting for your condolences, it wants you to appease its souls, and you can even place a cross for it! It still has expectations for its owner—if you are worth looking forward to now... But What do you look like? A piece of shit!"

"Kanda Yu!" Rabbi called his full name so angrily for the first time, with a warning of an impending explosion.

However, his worry was completely superfluous, Allen couldn't understand - or didn't want to understand.His lips were blue, leaving meaningless syllables and moans of pain.

"Ugh..."

After the violent roar, his voice was as dry as shredded old newspapers, and the wounds on the boy's body - abandoned, deceived, and disgusted - were branded on this young heart one by one.Now the burden of one more life is enough to crush the nerves of a normal person.

The world is already so bad, why should they accuse themselves of crimes?

There was a bitterness in Kanda's throat, and he pressed the head in his arms: "This has nothing to do with you, everyone has his own life, and animals are no exception, understand?"

Don't blame yourself.

You can blame anyone but yourself.

Li Nali squatted in the corner crying, conveying her remorse incoherently, saying that she shouldn't have left Yun Yun alone.Allen didn't cry from the beginning to the end, he just trembled and roared until his voice was hoarse, but he didn't utter any clearly discernible words.

He curled himself up next to Crow, tried repeatedly to stroke its protruding back, as if begging for forgiveness, and withdrew his hand every time before touching the dog's hair like an electric shock.He curled up his body to the minimum, as if this would relieve the pain to the greatest extent.Anyone who tries to pull him up is in vain, including Kanda.

Until night fell and he fell asleep exhausted, Kanda was finally able to carry the man who had lost the strength to resist back to the room.He felt bewildered, because Allen was lighter than he expected, and the bones loomed under the plump and shiny skin he had caressed and kissed so proudly—he was indeed thinner than he had ever been. Jokingly called more like a bean sprouts.

If it was last year, this guy would never allow it. He would definitely eat well, rest and recuperate, and then roll up his sleeves and compare the size of his biceps with Kanda, even though he himself knows that this kind of competition has no chance of winning for him.

But now, it can be seen from that jawboned face that he doesn't care, and he has given up.

On an afternoon when everyone was longing for warmth and care, he himself gave up first.

Since then, Allen hasn't said a word to them again.

Rehabilitation training back to the starting point.Kanda was recalled to school, leaving him alone at home.He lives and eats as usual, but he always lays the word board on his knees in a daze for the whole morning, and no matter who persuades him, he falls on deaf ears.The rabbi didn't dare to call him too much, for fear of inadvertently touching something and reminding him of the painful events that day.One late night, Allen ran to Link's bar alone, but Mr. Link, who didn't know why, grabbed him by the collar and dragged him back cursingly.

However, the sun rose and set in the east, the weather changed from sunny to rainy, the lavender under the eaves bloomed, swallows came to build their nests, and the lazy and meek England did not change because of his depression.

"I baked an apple pie, Allen."

The woman at the door looked in a hurry. She was still wearing an apron and oven mitts, as if she had just walked away from the oven.The plate she was holding was steaming hot, and the apple sauce was dripping on the edge of the plate, bursts of sweetness overflowing.

"Thank you, Miss Miranda." Allen shook his head and was about to close the door.

"Did I screw up again?" Miranda hurriedly leaned into the door and said loudly, "I, I added some fresh jam to the stuffing. I made the jam myself. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have added it."

Allen froze for a moment, then shook his head again.

"Oh well, I actually have something else to do."

Miranda stretched out her arms again to block the door that was about to close. She lowered her voice and asked very gently.

"You have to carry the plate for me first, okay?"

After finally freeing her hands, she made a cello gesture.

"There is a performance in our community, and I'm a cellist," she danced and gestured hard, "But our pianist suddenly fell ill and was admitted to the hospital, so he couldn't participate. They asked me to invite you to come..."

Allen probably guessed her intentions, and quickly waved his hands: "No, I won't."

"Really? That's a pity." Miranda dropped her arms in frustration. "As far as I know, no one in the community has a piano as good as you. But it's early before the show. If you change your mind, Allen, Please come to me quickly."

The door of the room was closed by the other party. Allen listened blankly to the crisp sound of the woman's high heels disappearing behind the door. He lowered his head to look at the apple pie he was holding at some point. His eyes were warm and golden. Want to shed tears.

"Li Nali and I will take care of the dog's funeral. As for Allen, you must help him. If you let him suffer from such extreme depression and develop symptoms, then it will be too late."

At the same time, Kanda pressed his temples in the reference room, sinking himself into the mountains of books in distress.

We liberate each other in love, trembling through:

Like an arrow on a string, so that the fully charged arrow

Being more than itself.Because there is nowhere to stay. —— Rilke, "Duino Elegies Part One"

-TBC.