I'm still doing fine

Dear Chen Chen:

how are you recently?

By the time you receive this letter, you should have passed your 28th birthday, and you have no memory of writing such a long postage letter to yourself five years ago.

Don't argue, I'm yourself, and I know you better than anyone else in the world.

Do you still remember yourself who never wrote a letter, why did you suddenly type these boring words so grandly?Forget it, let me tell you without embarrassing you.

In the summer when the summer vacation was about to end, a big, big change happened in your life—you broke up with Tang Xiaozheng, and I proposed it myself.

In the future, you must have someone new who can take his place, and you won't be as sad as I am now, right?

But now, I feel so sad that I want to cry, but I can't cry. Since Tang Xiaozheng hadn't completely left, I have already started to regret, all kinds of regrets.

Do you still remember the man named Tang Xiaozheng?The boy who is good-looking, tall, and has a good brain, except for his bad mouth, has basically no shortcomings.

I want to say that five years ago, Tang Xiaozheng and I were like a pair of twins. We grew up together, we were punished together when we did something wrong, and we were happy together after passing the exam...Even during the New Year’s fireworks that year, They also promised to be together for a long time, long enough to become wrinkled old men who need to be supported, and then take care of each other until they die.

We really thought so at that time, although I didn’t tell him, secretly thinking, I must be a very lovable old man at that time, everyone loves me, and I can dance with an old lady I don’t know in the big ballroom at any time , he may not be sure, he likes to frown so much, he must be very unkind when he gets old, he is a bad old man that no one likes to see except me.

Many times I feel that there is some kind of subtle induction between us.

It's not an exaggeration, it was approved by Tang Xiaozheng himself and based on facts.

For example, on the day after the college entrance examination, I was inexplicably anxious, feeling that Tang Xiaozheng was about to leave me, so I filled out the volunteer application one month later, and I sat at his home, on the same computer, and took the time to fill in exactly the same as him. Then he found all excuses and stayed by his side until the time for volunteer submission passed before going back to sleep with peace of mind.

You must think that I am making a fuss out of a molehill and thinking wildly.But later I asked Tang Xiaozheng, and he told me that I was right. That day, if I hadn’t insisted on leaving, he would have changed his mind and gone to a school that didn’t have me, far away from me. Falling in love with a pretty girl, reappearing, throwing away some pocket money to cover my dates.

You see, it is very accurate.

But this premonition doesn't always help me. It sometimes leads me to discover some truths, and then I can no longer deceive myself.

For example, during that holiday, when we bought a home theater all night, when I climbed onto the sofa bed and leaned against Tang Xiaozheng, I found him shaking, just that.

Opening up the collar of the short sleeve, I saw a horrific bruise on his left shoulder. He had never been beaten so hard, and I had never seen a scar that turned his skin black like that.

He gasped, but still smiled, and told me that he accidentally bumped into it.

He should scold me, if he bumps into it, he should scold me boldly, why is he so reckless, but he smiles carefully, it's ugly.

I know he lied to me.

Later, when I went to his house, I stood in the corridor without knocking on the door, and I heard the roaring noise inside. Their door was ajar, and I saw the back of Tang Xiaozheng standing upright, and the profiles of the men and women arguing inside. Face.

I've seen that man before.

We all knew we had to avoid Zhang Jishu so that she wouldn't find out, but we didn't guard against this strange man. After all, even Tang Xiaozheng himself had completely forgotten that he had a betting, dehumanizing father.

That day downstairs in the unit, Tang Xiaozheng was walking in the corridor, I ran over, sneaked a kiss on his face, just one kiss, over his shoulder, I saw a strange man passing by the gate.

I didn't care, after all, who cares about a strange man?

I forgot what they shouted, anyway, when I came back to my senses, Zhang Jishu threw something on Tang Xiaozheng's face, and then turned into pieces and fell to the ground.

"I don't ask much. If you give me the money, I won't bother them." The man's voice was grunting, which made people feel a little nauseous, "Tang Xiaozheng is my son, and I don't have the heart to hurt him. I can't bear to ruin his future after entering such a good university, if you give me money, I don't want to hurt him."

"Don't even think about it!" Zhang Jishu yelled sharply into my ears, which gave me a headache, "Your own monthly salary was taken away by the creditor in its entirety. For so many years, what we eat and drink, there is Didn't you spend a penny? Do you still have the face to ask me for it? Don't even think about it!"

"Then don't blame me for being unkind." The man turned his spearhead and opened his palm to Tang Xiaozheng, "Look at these, just a few photos cost me hundreds of dollars, and I'm doing it for your own good, I'm Your dear father, how can I have the heart to see you go these crooked ways, your mother doesn't care about you, I'll tell his mother to take care of him, okay, if you don't give it, I'll ask others for it. "

Tang Xiaozheng suddenly moved. The person who had been standing there with his head bowed was like a feathered arrow shot from a tight bowstring. I didn't even see how he knocked down the man. After a loud noise , The living room was quiet for a moment.

Tang Xiaozheng was pressing on the man, holding a fruit knife in his back hand. A few days ago, he was still peeling apples for me with that knife. Wire.

"You dare to look for him," Tang Xiaozheng said in a frighteningly cold voice, "I'll kill you."

"Are you crazy?!" Zhang Jishu pulled away from Tang Xiaozheng abruptly, half of her hip-wrapping skirt was torn apart by her violent movements, "Kill him, you do it! I raised you so big just to let you Go to jail, don't you? Ah?! You talk, don't you!"

Such an elegant woman on weekdays was not at all unfamiliar when she did it. Tang Xiaozheng was slapped to the ground by her slap, and slammed hard on the foot of the TV cabinet.

I figured there must be blood, though he didn't make a sound.

The man on the ground breathed a sigh of relief, suddenly came to life, turned over and got up, picking up photos one by one, "It's really my seed, huh? You have a temper, I'll give you a few more days, if the money is not ready, I will find this The baby's family wants it, anyway, without money, I can't live, and you don't even want to live!"

The man came towards the door, I ran out in a panic, hid behind the door of the safe passage, and watched him go downstairs in the elevator.

I walked back and wanted to push the door open and go in. I wanted to admit my mistake to Zhang Jishu. I wanted to comfort Tang Xiaozheng. I wanted to tell him that it was okay. I would tell my parents that I would admit my mistake to them. I would not let this disgusting The bastard got his way, and I don't want him getting beaten again.

But when I walked back, through the crack of the door, I saw Tang Xiaozheng kneeling on the ground, he didn't stand up, he knelt on the ground and kowtowed so standardly, "Mom, I beg you, get a divorce, Mom! "

Zhang Jishu's hair was also loose, and her makeup was also worn out. She sat on the sofa slumped, and she didn't speak.

I've never seen such a humble gesture on Tang Xiaozheng, should I open the door and go in at this time?I couldn't make up my mind.

"Go back to school." Zhang Jishu brushed the loose hair and said suddenly, "Go back and prepare for the exam. I only have this little money. I have worked for most of my life. That's all. Before you got married, I should give If you buy a house, you can’t afford the full payment, but the down payment is enough.”

"It seems that I don't have that time now." She tilted her head, the light from the window came in, the skin on her forehead was scratched, and there were blood spots, "Take the money, and go abroad after graduation. The farther you go, the better." , don't come back."

"Mom?" Tang Xiaozheng raised his head.

"It's better than having the money, being taken by that one, and throwing it all in the casino!" Zhang Jishu gritted his teeth, "Take it, you can pass the exam, I know you will learn, and you will take one step at a time in the future, and you have to plan for yourself , Keep your eyes open when looking for a woman, don't be as blind as me."

"I can not go."

When Tang Xiaozheng is so determined, I think he must be thinking of me

Yes, we have agreed that we will find a job in the same city together after graduation, anywhere is good, but it is best not in Shuosang. We will go to a city where the housing price is not high and no one knows. Let’s say we are a pair of brothers, renting a house to live in Together.

As we have agreed in this way, Tang Xiaozheng never speaks empty words.

"Is it possible? Is there a choice now?" Zhang Jishu interrupted him, "Yes, I also like Chen Chen. He is very good. Even if that bastard tells his parents, what do you think of the Chen family? Will they beat him and scold him? They are different from us, they are not the same kind of people, no matter how hard they understand, they will not give up on Chen Chen. Even if they drive Chen Chen out, Chen Chen will have no place Go? Uncles, aunts, aunts, uncles, there are people everywhere who can help him."

Zhang Jishu stood up, walked up to Tang Xiaozheng, kicked Tang Xiaozheng's heart with her embroidered slippers, "What about you? Do you know what's going on with you? You play with him, who do you have? That bastard is crazy, one day he has no money, he will die with me, who cares about you? What are you going to do about Tang Xiaozheng?"

At that time, I was suddenly very sad, Chen Chen, it has been five years, have you forgotten this feeling, as if someone pinched your heart and squeezed it hard.

I found myself walking in with no position at all.

"It's just the money, save it, you decide for yourself, go wherever you want." Zhang Jishu looked very tired, standing with folded arms, her expression was mournful, "Let's go, you won't starve to death after you learn your skills."

"What about you?" Tang Xiaozheng stood up, his tall stature could still show fragility, "What should you do?"

"Go back to my mother's house and go to another place. I've had enough of this poor place." Tang Xiaozheng may have grabbed her elbow and was thrown away, "Xiaozheng, I'm sorry for you, I never took you to see Grandpa and grandma never gave you a complete home. But I only have such a little ability, and I will give you the best, let's go. "

"You are smart, and you will vote for a good family in your next life."

The broken skirt flashed by the door of the bedroom, Zhang Jishu might be, packed her luggage, and was about to leave.

I went home, you see, I have been self-willed for so long, but I didn't realize my self-willedness until Zhang Jishu stepped on Tang Xiaozheng so hard to question.

That night, there was something loudly playing on the TV, war movies, plane bombs and gunfire, amidst the huge noise, I heard the ding of the elevator in the aisle.

Tang Xiaozheng knocked on the door, don't look, I knew it was him.

It was a coincidence that my parents were not at home, and there was a girl who was going to a school to give a banquet, and they had just left.

I opened the door, and Tang Xiaozheng walked in, with a carefully disguised smile on his face, his forehead hair covering the wound on his forehead, except for wearing long sleeves in summer, there was no flaw.

"Mom and Dad are not at home," I don't want to listen to him, I don't want to hear him say that the wound on my face was accidentally injured by a mobile phone falling, you see, I can imagine those lies, "go to my room Bar."

I drew the curtains ahead of time, without leaving any gaps, pushed him in and locked the door with my backhand. I pushed him down on the bed, not worried at all, and I knew it well, my mattress was very soft.

"I want you."

I heard myself saying this, and saw myself climbing onto the bed, tearing off Tang Xiaozheng's clothes, "Does it hurt?"

"Do not."

"It hurts." I licked his wound very lightly, "I know it hurts."

I think Tang Xiaozheng must have discovered something, or guessed something, I didn't want him to move, and he really didn't move, except for a snort when I knelt down and sucked it, he didn't even make any other sounds.

That day I realized that I was very tired if I had to do it all by myself.

I lay on the bed, to be precise, on Tang Xiaozheng's body, fine beads of sweat oozing from the skin and flesh, and I kneaded on his shoulder panting, my mouth was bitter, and I couldn't tell whether it was him The taste is still my mood at that time.

"Night sign."

"Ah."

"elder brother."

"Ah."

"Have I made you comfortable? A little bit is fine."

"Ah."

"That's good..." I breathed a sigh of relief, my throat choked, "I will forget you."

"..."

"As you said, find someone else, and after a long time I get used to it, I will forget about you and start a new life heartlessly."

"..."

"It's true that it can't go on like this forever. It's too irresponsible for anyone." I just blinked, and a cold liquid rolled down from the eye sockets, dripping into the quilt, and it was wet, "My parents must want to I want a daughter-in-law who is beautiful, gentle, and can speak soft words. In short, she is not a big man with a tough temper like you."

"..."

"Let's break up."

I finally said it, I could barely suppress the groaning in my chest, my voice must have changed, it became ugly, "If life happens again, you must vote for a good family, and then find me, you must find me, Tell me there is a price to pay for willfulness."

Tang Xiaozheng's scorching breath sprayed on the side of my neck, he pinched my neck and pulled me up, then kissed me hard.

That ruthless, really ruthless, not an exaggerated rhetoric, my lower lip was bitten out blood, all I could taste was the fishy smell of rust while moving my lips and tongue.

"Alone, take care of yourself."

I don't know how long we kissed, I didn't have the habit of pinching my watch, I just closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep in order not to get up to see him off, but I knew he was leaving, so I endured it for a long time, and shouted,

"You too, think about yourself," I sob, and say, "I'm going to forget you, so stop thinking about me."

The door clicked and he just left.

The next day, I picked up a paper bag at the door of my house. It contained the hair accessories we bought when we went to Yangmingshan that winter. They were colorful and beautiful. Besides that, there was a scarf and a pair of thick woolen hair accessories. socks.

He remembered my coddled hypocrisy.

Later, when I went back to school, he disappeared from my life completely. Sometimes I guess he would look at me secretly, which is just a kind of intuition.

I started to try my best not to be alone. At that time, the application period was not over yet, and I was afraid that he would see me alone and would not be able to resist staying.

In fact, you should know that it's not like I haven't never had the idea of ​​continuing my career in a foreign country.

I also checked it in private. When I knew that he was applying to a Japanese school, I secretly compared the application requirements of those schools, and then silently gave up.

In those few years in college, Tang Xiaozheng never gave up and kept studying. Maybe we stood together at the beginning, but the slack of several years has made me fall far behind.

Places began to appear in the world that Tang Xiaozheng could go to but I couldn't.

IELTS is a course, TOEFL is a course, Japanese n2 is a course, and architecture portfolio is a course. I was a senior in that year and I ran out of time.

I can only rejoice in my own heart. Fortunately, Tang Xiaozheng is going to college, so he has no chance to give the second button of his uniform jacket to some unknown boy or girl.

A little sad, a little sad, a little unclear... In the end, after graduation, I stayed in Shuosang instead of going back to my hometown.

I don't know why I am so stubborn, but I always feel that there are some things here that I don't have in my hometown. As for what it is, I can't tell at all.

Then,

Five years later, do you still remember this incident?Still sad about it?Or, you have completely forgotten and started a new life?

No matter what, maybe that's what I intended when I wrote this letter, no matter how well you live, at least in the few minutes of reading this letter, you can briefly remember that hard-working boy, just for a moment.

You see, after all, it's hard to get over it, and I still don't want to forget.