Lu Weifu upstairs

Zhao Xin arrived in Gancheng at 02:30 in the afternoon.Walking out of the high-speed rail station, the dry sunshine and air from the north rushed in. Four or five black car drivers stood guard outside the high-speed rail station, yelling non-stop in a dialect that Zhao Xin could not understand.Perhaps because he was on crutches and moved slowly, a middle-aged woman in a leopard-print T-shirt came up and asked, "Can XX go?"

Zhao Xin couldn't understand what "XX" was, and he could barely make out the words "go or not", so he shook his head: "No."

"I see you are not from Gancheng, right?" The middle-aged woman switched to Mandarin, "Where are you going? Did you take a taxi? I ​​can also take a taxi here!"

"...Huaguang Family Court," said Zhao Xin, "do you know where it is?"

The woman smiled: "I know - this is an old courtyard, just wait, I'll ask my sister to bring the car over!"

In less than 10 minutes, Zhao Xin sat in the back seat of a dark green taxi.

The female driver was as enthusiastic as her sister, and kept looking at Zhao Xin from the rearview mirror.Zhao Xin also knew that he was a little strange: a man with crutches and a southern accent, all his luggage was a backpack, came to Gancheng and was going to an old family home.

"Where are you from? Southerners?" the driver asked enthusiastically.

"Wuhan people."

"Haha, let me just say, all southerners are like you, with thin skin and tender flesh!"

Zhao Xin smiled and asked her, "Is the Huaguang Family Court far away?"

"No! In the east, we are poor in the east, rich in the west, and building roads in the north, and rich people in the west and north! The east is no good. In the past, the family homes of cotton spinning factories and chemical factories were all in the east. Later, these factories It's slowly closing down."

Zhao Xin nodded, and asked again: "How long will it take?"

"Three 10 minutes! There is no traffic jam at all-are you in a hurry?"

"……Not urgent."

Urgent is of course urgent, otherwise he wouldn't rush over from Wuhan in one go.He finally got together with Liu Yusheng, and because of his disability, he couldn't help worrying about gains and losses.It was only after Liu Yusheng hung up the phone that he realized that he was too worried about gains and losses, so he was too urgent.

He knew in his heart that he was not qualified to ask Liu Yusheng—why did Liu Yusheng love his disability and everything about him?But he knew it was the same thing in his heart, and at that moment he couldn't help pressing Liu Yusheng every step of the way, greedily asking for a shackle about love.

Of course it is urgent, but it is useless to be anxious.

Because Liu Yusheng turned off his phone.

Not only did Liu Yusheng shut down the phone, he also sent him a WeChat message with only five words: Let's all be quiet.

How can this be quiet?On the way from Wuhan to Gancheng, Zhao Xin was tremblingly wondering whether the next thing Liu Yusheng said to him would be "Let's break up". No, Liu Yusheng is not such a cold and straightforward person. If he wants to break up, probably It also said euphemistically, "I don't think we are suitable"... Zhao Xin did not know how many times he dialed Liu Yusheng's number, but the phone was still turned off.

The taxi finally stopped at the gate of Huaguang Family Hospital, Zhao Xin paid the money and got out of the car with difficulty.He wore a long-sleeved T-shirt to cover the red and purple wound on his arm.

He had only practiced for a few days, and he was far from being able to move freely with two crutches, but he managed to stand up and come to Liu Yusheng.The afternoon sun was shining brightly, and Zhao Xin stood at the gate of the Huaguang Family Courtyard, fine beads of sweat oozing from his forehead.

It is indeed an old family courtyard. At a glance, the five-story residential building is dusty, and the garbage downstairs is piled up into a hill. Even though it is far away, Zhao Xin can still smell the sour smell.

There is a duty room at the entrance of the family courtyard, the door is open, and the security guard is lying on a chair listening to the radio.Although there was a sign saying "Visitors please register" on the wall, Zhao Xin slowly moved into the family courtyard, and the security guards did not respond.

Zhao Xin sent a private message to Liu Yusheng on Weibo: Yusheng, I have arrived in Gancheng.

He could only hope that although Liu Yusheng's phone was turned off, he would still use his computer to check Weibo.

Zhao Xin walked slowly in the family courtyard.Fortunately, it was past three o'clock in the afternoon, and people were either going out to work or taking a nap, only a few children running wildly looked at him a few times.

Entering the family courtyard from the gate, along the main road, Zhao Xin passed residential buildings one after another, all of which were gray and black in color, with narrow corridor entrances.Most of the trees in the family yard grow very tall, and they are common poplars in the north with thick trunks.Turning a corner, a small square appeared in front of Zhao Xin.There are some simple fitness facilities in the square, such as horizontal bars, parallel bars, and table tennis tables... When Zhao Xin walked to the horizontal bar, a little boy was holding the horizontal bar with both hands, swinging his whole body back and forth on it.This horizontal bar has peeled off the paint, and it is very old and mottled.Zhao Xin couldn't help but wonder, did Liu Yusheng play here when he was a child?Also swaying back and forth like this, like a naughty little monkey.

At this moment, the phone in his pocket rang.

Zhao Xin's heart trembled, and he quickly leaned his body against the pillar of the horizontal bar, so that he could stand upright with only one crutch.Taking out his mobile phone, the caller was Liu Yusheng.

Zhao Xin's heart beat wildly, and for a moment he was so nervous that he hesitated, would Liu Yusheng want to break up with him?So what should he do?beg him?How to ask?Yes—yes, apologies in advance.

"Yusheng!" Zhao Xin said eagerly, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said those words this morning, I didn't look down on what you wrote, I—"

"Where are you?" Liu Yusheng interrupted him.

Zhao Xin's brain was short-circuited for a moment: "On the horizontal bar."

Liu Yusheng: "...what?"

"I'm here," Zhao Xin said nervously, swallowing a mouthful of saliva, "here at the horizontal bar in the square of your community."

Liu Yusheng: "Wait."

Zhao Xin quickly grabbed the crutches, held the beam tightly with both hands, and stood up straight.

The child looked at Zhao Xin with a puzzled expression, and then ran away.

Zhao Xin was the only one left in the square. He raised his chin slightly, his eyes wandering around, his heart beating like a drum.He didn't know what was in store for him, but since he was here—

A figure in slippers, shorts, and a gray vest rushed straight towards him.

"Zhao Xin!!!" Liu Yusheng ran like an African wildebeest crossing a river, his hair flying backwards.He almost bumped into Zhao Xin's arms and stopped abruptly.

"You, why are you here?!" Liu Yusheng panted heavily, and shook his head after speaking, "No, what I mean is, you——you're here?"

It was the first time he saw Zhao Xin like this.

A black T-shirt, jeans, sneakers, a white and sharp face full of sunlight, although he is on crutches, but his shoulders are broad and his back is straight, like a high-spirited warrior who is triumphantly wounded.

"Well," said Zhao Xin, "here I come."

Both of them stared blankly at each other, as if meeting for the first time—it was indeed the first time meeting in the sun.

"...Am I being too abrupt?" Zhao Xin spoke first, explaining cautiously, "I'm too anxious, Yusheng, I'm afraid of you..."

Liu Yusheng: "What are you afraid of me?"

Zhao Xin lowered his eyes: "I'm afraid you will break up with me."

Liu Yusheng's expression changed again and again. At first he looked puzzled, then he frowned and pursed his lips. He stretched out his hand and gently placed his palm on Zhao Xin's crutch.Although his hand didn't touch Zhao Xin, Zhao Xin still had the illusion of being held by him.

"Impossible." Liu Yusheng said.

Liu Yusheng took Zhao Xin home. When he went upstairs, he walked behind Zhao Xin. He couldn't help raising his arms slightly. He was really afraid that Zhao Xin would fall backward if his hands slipped, and he was afraid that his movements would hurt Zhao Xin too much. Xin's self-esteem.Zhao Xin moved slowly, and he followed behind like a little tail repeatedly reminding: "Be careful, slow down...the stairs are too narrow."

Finally at home, Liu Yusheng heaved a sigh of relief, and explained to Zhao Xin in a low voice while opening the door: "My mother is not at home today, so I went to the store...my stepfather opened a snack bar."

"Yeah." Zhao Xin couldn't help but look at Liu Yusheng's house. The living room was so small that there was only room for a coffee table and a stack of short plastic benches.Along the base of the wall, there are piles of cooking oil and packaged disposable tableware.

"Uh, that's right, my stepfather runs a snack bar." Liu Yusheng was a little embarrassed, "There are a lot of these things at home."

Zhao Xin looked back, "Which one is your room?"

"This way."

Liu Yusheng's room was smaller than the living room. Opposite the single bed was a desk, and he could sit at the desk after getting off the bed and walking two steps.There is no bookcase, and there are two sorting boxes next to the desk, which are full of books.On the other side of the desk was a cardboard box. Zhao Xin suddenly realized that it was a snack he sent to Liu Yusheng.

Haven't finished eating after so long?

On the desk are a laptop, half a glass of water, an open pack of biscuits, a pen, and a notebook.It can be seen that the laptop has been used for a long time, and the letters on the keyboard are not very clear.

Liu Yusheng smiled: "My room...is too messy."

The windows of the room are also small, completely incomparable with the floor-to-ceiling windows of Zhao Xin's house.Looking out from Zhao Xin's position, he could only see gray and black residential buildings and the narrow sky.

"Hey, come on, you sit first." Liu Yusheng pushed the chair to Zhao Xin's side, "I'll get you a glass of water." Liu Yusheng walked out of the room in a panic. He really didn't expect that Zhao Xin would come to him—what was he Even without preparation, Zhao Xin bumped into the most embarrassing side.He felt that Zhao Xin must have never seen such a small room, and the bathroom in Zhao Xin's house was much larger than his room.Zhao Xin's house is not as cramped, crowded, and old as his house. Zhao Xin's house is very spacious and bright, and the wooden bookcases reflect a faint luster, so nice.

Liu Yusheng handed the water to Zhao Xin, both embarrassed and embarrassed because the two had quarreled on the phone.But he was faintly happy because Zhao Xin came to him unexpectedly.

Liu Yusheng sat on the bed, Zhao Xin sat on the chair, and the two were very close.

"Yu student," Zhao Xin asked, "Have you been at home since you dropped out of school?"

"Well, before I started writing, I also thought about going out to work, but my mother wouldn't let me," Liu Yusheng said in a low voice, "She suspects that I'm gay, and she's afraid she won't be able to control me if I go out."

"You said, she often scolds you?"

"...It was like this two years ago. After I started making money, I got better." Liu Yusheng secretly regretted his impulsiveness. "Actually, it's nothing. I dropped out of school. It's normal for her to scold me."

For four years, Zhao Xin couldn't imagine that Liu Yusheng spent four years in such a small room. He was the biggest victim, but he couldn't clarify and explain for himself. He could only silently bear his mother's accusations, disappointment and suspicion.

Zhao Xin suddenly understood what Liu Yusheng said, "Even if it's a fantasy, at least it can comfort me."It's not that Liu Yusheng is weak, but that he is in too much pain and needs comfort too much.

Zhao Xin moved his lips. He wanted to apologize for what he said before, but he also felt that if he apologized, it would be tantamount to admitting Liu Yusheng's dire situation. He also didn't want to deny Liu Yusheng's writing like this.Although he really looked down on that kind of writing, but... But this is Liu Yusheng after all.

"Zhao Xin," Liu Yusheng put his hands on the bed, looked at Zhao Xin, and then turned his head away, "I was too anxious at the time, so I hung up the phone... I thought a lot about it later, I might be wrong, but... but Can I talk to you?"

Zhao Xin nodded: "You say."

"That's right, about me..." Liu Yusheng paused, lowered his head, with a very unconfident expression on his face, "The things I wrote are silly and sweet, I know, many people criticize this kind of... If you can only It sucks to give people comfort and happiness, right? Actually, I understand it too, so I, how should I put it, I have low self-esteem, especially in front of you, and I feel like I’m writing terrible stuff while I’m writing.

"But this kind of bad stuff brings me some comfort, and sometimes I even feel that I can't go on without them. After I hung up the phone, I kept thinking about it, and finally I came to the conclusion that even if they It's too bad they're not worthless or meaningless. Because...you heard that saying? Happy people are always alike, and unhappy people are unhappy in their own way. I think it means, Happiness does not need to be understood. If a person is very happy, then he does not need others to understand why he is happy, nor does he need others to understand the feeling of happiness. Only when a person is unhappy and painful, then he needs When others understand his feelings, he will need the empathy of others, so there are all kinds of misfortunes and pains in this world, and he seeks understanding."

Liu Yusheng pursed his lips and continued: "Literature is the way for the unfortunate and suffering people to seek understanding. The reason why great works are great is that they show the common pain or plight of many people. But like The ones I wrote, they don't show any pain and distress, what's the point of them? I think the point of them is... to be seen by someone who is in pain. Like, 'Red Candle in the Dark' is joyful, but This kind of happiness is based on the fact that the poet is already old, and he has "the temples are already stars", so when he recalls this kind of happiness, he will cherish it, or yearn for it, or even suffer more. Happy people can't feel it The beauty of happiness, only the painful people can feel the beauty of happiness, happiness itself is not the meaning, but the happiness in the eyes of the painful people is the meaning. So if my silly white sweetness is seen by the painful people, even if they know that It’s just a kind of fantasy and obscenity, but it’s meaningful for them to regret the happiness they once felt, or they yearn for this happiness, or even if they suffer more pain.”

Zhao Xin listened to Liu Yusheng's words in a daze. He didn't react until Liu Yusheng finished speaking.

Liu Yu called him timidly: "Zhao Xin?"

Zhao Xin opened his eyes wide suddenly, suddenly feeling enlightened.Is that so?Those that he has always regarded as opium to provide spiritual pleasure are not just "happiness", nor are they just "comfort".When "happiness" falls in the eyes of the suffering person, it may be mourning, nostalgia, lack of access, and deeper pain.

"So in the end there is still pain, and pleasure is also pain, Yusheng, you mean that literature—or life—is like this?"

"……Um."

Zhao Xin couldn't help holding Liu Yusheng's hand lightly. At this moment, he had a premonition that he and Liu Yusheng, the two authors, were about to discover some kind of secret.Since the essence of life is pain, which cannot be obtained, cannot be let go, cannot be forgotten, cannot escape, and is the ultimate inevitable separation and death——

"Since the essence of life is pain, why do we need literature to make us suffer more?" Since literature cannot give people pure happiness in the end, why do those authors and readers keep sacrificing their lives to literature for punishment? The self-confidence of "I am born to be useful" is happy, but it becomes pain in the eyes of the mediocre; the prosperity of "seeing all the flowers in Chang'an in one day" is happy, but it becomes pain in the eyes of the frustrated; The bead curtain is not as good as "The youth is happy, but it becomes pain in the eyes of the old... It turns out that every line of happy words has a footnote of pain.

Liu Yusheng thought for a while, and replied: "Because we need to be understood, and we also want to understand the pain of others, even...even if understanding itself is useless, right? This is a kind of untimely tenderness. I think, people who write books, People who study must rely on such a kind of tenderness." Because of tenderness, there is pity, and pity is the beginning of all compassion, understanding, and sympathy.The person who wrote the book and the person who read the book meet because of their respective tenderness, and then one kind of pain sees another kind of pain, one kind of pain soothes another kind of pain, and one kind of pain understands another kind of pain. It turns out that writing itself is significance.

Zhao Xin was silent for a long, long time.Until his and Liu Yusheng's palms were sticky and wet with sweat, he raised Liu Yusheng's hand, and solemnly kissed the back of his hand.

At this moment, Zhao Xin felt saved, because he already believed that he would keep writing.Even if he doesn't write danmei, he will write other things, even if he doesn't write, he will write prose and poetry, even if he loses the right to write, then even if he writes a diary that can only be hidden in a drawer, he will still write.Because he is sure, he will always have tenderness for this world, and he will always have tenderness for the boy in front of him.

Liu Yusheng's face turned red, and Zhao Xin said seriously, "I don't think I'm good enough for you."

Liu Yusheng shook his head: "Impossible," he rarely said firmly, "You are the best here, the best in every aspect."