Lu Weifu upstairs

Professor Zhao asked unhurriedly, "Where are you going?"

"I'll go find—"

"To find Liu Yusheng?" Professor Zhao paused, then calmly said, "Or, to find your boyfriend, right?"

"……Yes."

Zhao Xin came out to his parents not long after he was in college. Unlike others, his parents were both university teachers and had received an excellent education, so they naturally agreed with their son's sexuality.

What surprised Zhao Xin was that Professor Zhao knew the name "Liu Yusheng"—how much did he know?

"I've seen all those things on the Internet," Professor Zhao brought a chair and sat down opposite Zhao Xin, "All of them."

Zhao Xin was a little dazed. He knew that Professor Zhao had been presiding over a national key project for the past six months, so it could be said that he was very busy. How could he have time to take care of these trivial matters?But then Zhao Xin remembered the copywriting of the video recorded on Weibo that he posted. Although he was not guilty of panic to his father, he was still somewhat embarrassed.

"Well, then I won't introduce it to you," Zhao Xin smiled. "You know everything? Does my mother know too? In fact, he just came to Wuhan a few days ago, but he had something to do at home, so he hurried gone."

Professor Zhao had a sullen face and shook his head to himself.

"Zhao Xin," he said, "don't go to him yet."

"...Why?" Maybe it's because of the leg disease. Ever since they were young, the husband and wife let Zhao Xin far more than they controlled him.When Zhao Xin came out, they supported him; when Zhao Xin wrote about the Internet, they supported him; when Zhao Xin became a full-time author after graduating from university, they still supported him.So at this moment, Zhao Xin was a little at a loss.

"Let me ask you a few questions, okay?" Professor Zhao's tone was unusually serious, "I'm asking frankly, and I hope you can answer frankly—we haven't had a good chat for a long time."

"...OK," Zhao Xin nodded, "Dad, you ask."

"You are Liu Yusheng's idol, can I say that?"

"Okay... okay, he has always been my reader."

"He adores you, doesn't he?"

"……I think it is."

"You are his idol, and he admires your talent, or work. Zhao Xin, is that right?"

"Ah."

Professor Zhao frowned, as if hesitating.

And as smart as Zhao Xin, he already had a vague premonition.He said frankly, "Dad, you can say whatever you want."

"This is just a hypothesis, Zhao Xin, have you ever thought that if you didn't write those things, would Liu Yusheng still like you? Of course, I know that my question is unreasonable, because you actually wrote those things, You are a complete and indivisible subject, but," Professor Zhao suddenly emphasized, "but do you think, if you weren't the Donaldson whom he admired, would he still like you?"

Sure enough, this is the question Professor Zhao will ask.

"Dad, I know what you mean. You're worried that Liu Yusheng just mistook my admiration for liking, right?" Zhao Xin retorted confidently, "But you can't separate the two feelings so clearly, maybe he Treat worship as liking, but it is also possible that he worshiped me first and then liked me-his liking came from his admiration, and you can't deny that his liking is false because of this. It's like... like "In the Restaurant On ", does Lu Weifu like Aunt Shun? Like it? Otherwise, he would not have traveled so many places to buy her a velvet flower, but his liking for Aunt Shun comes from his pity for her, right? He saw Aunt Shun waited impatiently for him to drink that bowl of buckwheat flour, and he couldn't help but pity her—Dad, you can't separate these feelings so clearly, and neither can I."

This series of words Zhao Xin spoke quickly and anxiously, his cheeks flushed slightly.

He had already determined that whether Liu Yusheng admired or worshiped him, he must have liked him—otherwise Liu Yusheng would not have kissed his numb calf that night.It was liking, he had no doubt about it.

"Yes, he can both admire you and like you, but you said it yourself, his liking for you comes from his admiration for you, right?" Professor Zhao shook his head again, and then he let out a long sigh Tone, "Zhao Xin, he admires your writing, that's fine, no problem. But have you ever thought about what if one day you stop writing?"

Zhao Xin: "What did you say?"

"When you wanted to write about danmei, your mother and I didn't say anything, but it wasn't because we agreed with danmei, but because you were still young at that time—of course you are still very young now. But there is a possibility I have to tell You," Professor Zhao suddenly changed the subject, "give me a cigarette."

Zhao Xin silently handed the cigarette and lighter.

He couldn't remember the last time he saw his father smoking a cigarette.

Professor Zhao lit the cigarette, took two puffs slowly, and continued: "I know that you are engaged in this profession and writing about this subject because of your love, but this is the risk you have to face—if you do a job that is not If you love the job, then you only need to make money from it, and you can make money from it for the rest of your life without any emotional risks. But now you are engaged in a job you love, and you write about the subject matter you love, Instead, you run the risk that one day you don’t love it—not just BL, but maybe one day you don’t want to write at all, so what?”

Professor Zhao spoke slowly, but his articulation was extremely clear: "I'm not doubting your ability, Zhao Xin, you are the pride of me and your mother, you have always been. I just want to tell you a potential risk, you see some Singers no longer sing, and some writers no longer write. In fact, singing and writing are the way they communicate with the world. Emotions, I know you too. But there may come a day—maybe decades from now, maybe next year—that you’ll have nothing to say to the world, you’ll no longer need to express yourself, it’s not necessarily A failure and a compromise, maybe it's just a change."

He flicked the cigarette ash, and continued: "It may be too early to tell you this possibility, then I will talk about another possibility-you still want to express, you can still write, but the form of Tanmei is no longer suitable. You. Have you thought about this issue? You see, Danmei, it is aesthetic, it is obsessed with beauty and flesh, you can’t deny this——I don’t think you have read any book written by Danmei Is it a love story of two 70-year-old men? Beauty is beautiful, body is beautiful, youth is beautiful, love is also beautiful, I don’t deny this kind of beauty, but I want to say, it’s too limited. Maybe wait until you reach 40 At the age of [-], you no longer want to write about young people, and you no longer want to write about love, because you know that there are other things worth writing about in this world besides youth and love, and the most important thing is youth and love. The body, these things that can move you now, maybe at that time, they will not be able to move you anymore. At that time, Danmei is no longer suitable for you. At that time, there will be new authors and new readers, and Danmei is theirs. .”

"Maybe one day you won't write danmei, maybe one day you won't write, or even, let me put it cruelly, one day you will have nothing to do with literature, those readers who admire you will forget you, or those readers will not Read Danmei again, this is all possible, and at that time you are just... just a disabled person," Professor Zhao put out the cigarette in his hand, showing a rare wry smile, "by then Liu Will Yusheng still worship you? Will he still like you? Will he continue to be with you? Don't blame Dad, Zhao Xin, your mother and I are the people in this world who are most afraid of you being hurt."

Zhao Xin was nailed to the wheelchair, and it was the first time that his legs felt so heavy—so heavy that he couldn't even move his fingertips.

His father's words didn't hit the nail on the head, but it was like a long spear that poked a bloody hole in his heart.

Yes, he was right.All the possibilities he said were correct.

The first thought in Zhao Xin's mind was that I was so weak.

Is it weakness?is weak.He doesn't have enough confidence to declare that he will spend his whole life with words—whatever "Donaldson writes stories about Donaldson", the more he has nothing, the more he grasps something and doesn't want to let go.Literature is what he grasped. In the past 30 years, he dragged his disabled body and had nothing but literature.

If he had nothing, he could keep writing, but because of love, he fell in love with Liu Yusheng, so he had to admit the possibility his father described: maybe one day he would stop writing, or he I don’t write about Tanmei anymore, so will Liu Yusheng still worship him?

Maybe one day "Donaldson" disappears from the Internet—when an Internet author dies without writing this id—he returns to life, an ordinary disabled Zhao Xin, then will Liu Yusheng still like him? ?Liu Yusheng can kiss his calf when he is throbbing, but is Liu Yusheng willing to be with his disability for decades to come?

"I'm not saying he's not sincere enough for you," Professor Zhao added in a low voice, "but whether it's you or me, we have to admit that when your mother and I get old, we won't be able to take care of you like we are now , we can't even lift your wheelchair... At that time you needed Liu Yusheng's care. When you are old, you will need him more, you have no children, your relationship is not restricted and recognized, you only have each other... At that time, will he continue to love you and stay with you? Zhao Xin, this requires deep love."

Zhao Xin suddenly felt a great pain in his chest, he even wanted to call Liu Yusheng, right now, he wanted to ask Liu Yusheng, will you always love me?

He was terrified. He was defeated so easily. It turns out that the good things in the world are not strong. Colored clouds are fragile and glass is brittle. .He was afraid and wronged, he was not the unrestrained and talented Donaldson, he was just a helpless Zhao Xin who longed to be loved and accompanied.Not only is he so helpless, but he is also so greedy. He is disabled and incomplete, but he also wants abundant and lasting love.

He wanted to ask Liu Yusheng, will you always love me?

But he couldn't ask, he realized suddenly, he didn't dare.