Lu Weifu upstairs

"The first time I saw him was in Zhengxin. He arrived eighteen days earlier than me. Every day he scraped a mark on the wall with a toothbrush. On the day I saw him, there were already eighteen marks on the wall. .I sleep next to his because we're both of the same 'disease'—well, neither man nor woman, as they say."

"I was beaten on the first day I was sent to 'Zhengxin'. I told the doctor there that I had gender cognitive impairment, and I was not mentally ill. The doctor said that gender cognitive impairment is unique to Americans. No, the Chinese didn’t. He said I was out of my mind and I needed an electric shock, but that day he didn’t give me electricity, but beat me with a very hard wooden stick.”

In front of the camera, Deng Yuan compared his white left arm: "From here to the elbow, it was all swollen... At that time, I thought I had a broken bone, and I didn't dare to move when I was lying on the bed. Other people in the dormitory They ignored me at all. Until midnight, when everyone else fell asleep, the white lady woke me up quietly, and he told me, it’s okay, they won’t break your bones, otherwise they won’t be able to punish you tomorrow He also said that he was beaten even worse on the first day he came here, and there was blood in his pee... After half a month, he was fine."

"Later, I became friends with Bai Niangniang, and I gradually became familiar with other 'patients'. They advised me to stay away from Bai Niangniang, because Bai Niangniang's mind was not normal-Bai Niangniang liked "The Legend of the White Snake" very much. , I often sit there alone and talk to myself, and what I read is the lines in "The Legend of the White Snake"—Zhao Yazhi's version of the Legend of the White Snake," Deng Yuan tilted his head slightly, and he looked directly at the camera, his eyes were serious and Some doubts, "But I think he is just too boring, we are locked in the 'Zhengxin', there is no TV, not even newspapers and magazines, completely isolated from the world... and Bai Niangniang's family never goes to see He, he told me that his family is busy, so he was sent to 'Zhengxin', and someone watched over him, so I felt at ease."

At this moment, Deng Yuan is sleeping in the next room without closing the door.Half an hour ago Xu Yihan stopped at the door and heard his long and even breathing.But even so, Xu Yihan still felt uncontrollably panicked, so much so that he silently clenched his fists and squeezed the sweat in his palms.Every time he watched this documentary, he panicked again, and the degree continued unabated.

——Deng Yuan, who is sleeping peacefully next door, will almost never get out of his "righteous heart".

On the screen, when the camera turned, Deng Yuan was standing in front of an old building overgrown with weeds.He was still wearing the dark green dress.

The camera followed behind Deng Yuan and slowly pushed into the old building.The color of the wall skin is dull, and exposed red bricks can even be seen in the corners of the outer walls.The corridors are full of rubbish, and weeds come out from the gaps between the cans and the metal cabinets.Deng Yuan's footsteps were very steady. He went up from the first floor to the fourth floor in one breath, neither fast nor slow. When he reached the fourth floor, he turned left and walked into the third room.

The room was empty, except for garbage or garbage.Standing by the windowless window, Deng Yuan said calmly: "I came back once after 'Zhengxin' moved out, and it looked like this... I heard that the garbage was thrown from the nearby waste station. This room is where I and I In the dormitory of the white lady, barbed wire was welded outside the windows at that time."

Deng Yuan lowered his head slightly, and fiddled with the hem of the skirt twice: "Looking out of the window, through the barbed wire, you can see the lights of the town in the distance. In fact, the town is not far from here—I remember my parents sent me When I came, we had dinner at the restaurant in town. But the feeling is, you can see it and you know it’s not far away...but you just can’t get there.”

Every time the film came here, Xu Yihan felt his chest being tightly strangled, his breathing became sluggish, and he felt nauseated at the same time.

"Bai Niangniang and I often stood at the window and looked out. After a long time, he said that I was like his sister. He said that he wanted to call me 'Xiaoqing' when no one was around. I thought it was strange, but in' Righteousness', there is nothing 'normal' at all—right?" Deng Yuan's voice was very soft, almost ethereal, "He wants to scream, so let him scream...so I became a 'Xiaoqing' '."

"It's been like this for a long, long time... In fact, it was two months? But I think it's been too long, as if I can't get out for the rest of my life... I seem to be going crazy. When I was most desperate, I told Bai Madam, I want to die. He asked me, what will happen after death? I said, maybe I will be reincarnated? He asked again, can I become a woman after reincarnation?" Deng Yuan smiled, "I'm talking about the next life I didn't know, he said that you should not die."

Deng Yuan put his arm on the window sill, turned his head to look out the window.Under the camera, he suddenly stopped talking, leaving only the back of his jet-black head to the audience.Wearing a skirt and black low-heeled shoes, he stood tall amidst the mess, like a white eustoma growing out of nowhere in the mud.

Xu Yihan thought, Deng Yuan should not be in this place, no, not only Deng Yuan, no one should be in this place, no one.

"Later, one night, the doctor overheard Bai Niangniang singing "Waiting Once in a Thousand Years", and several doctors dragged him out... I don't know what they did to him that night. Come back, as soon as I came back, I fell on the bed and continued to sing "Waiting Once in a Thousand Years". Everyone else was asleep, so I told him, stop singing, go to sleep, morning exercises will be done tomorrow... I should Ask him what happened, but I didn't ask, because it's very normal in 'Zhengxin', it's very normal to be pulled out for a beating, or a few times of electric shock... I told him to stop singing, he didn't Listen, it’s still singing. After a while, two people in the same dormitory were woken up by him, cursed a few words, warned him to sing again and called the doctor over, and he stopped singing.”

Having said this, Deng Yuan's voice froze, he still turned his back to the camera, but Xu Yihan knew that he was crying.

"Bai Niangniang stopped singing, and we all fell asleep... Another time passed... I don't know how long, he woke me up and asked me, Xiaoqing, do you want to go? I asked where to go in a daze He said, get out, get out of here... I thought he was crazy again, and ignored him. I fell asleep again, and woke up again because they woke me up... They were all shouting, I jumped off the building! I jumped off the building! My The bed was facing the window, and as soon as I sat up, I saw a hole in the barbed wire - the hole was so small, I don't know what he used to make the hole, and how he climbed out... My heart was very confused. The doctor and the instructor were taken away by 110, so I ran away... Then I never returned home. I quietly asked about Bai Niangniang, but no one knew why he jumped off the building. No one knows how he broke through the barbed wire fence. The Bai Niangniang's family is very rich, and I heard that her family had a few riots in 'Zhengxin', and people were killed, 'Zhengxin' closed down."

Deng Yuan turned around slowly, his white cheeks were full of tears, he was still crying, but his tone was calm: "Later, I always thought, if I didn't think he was crazy that night but stayed with him, wouldn't it be , he wouldn't have jumped off the building? If we hadn't been sent to 'Zheng Xin', we would all have lived a good life, how could we be mentally ill? We could work, fall in love, make friends, and it didn't hurt Whoever, how could we be mentally ill? But you see, it turns out that not only others treat us as mentally ill, but I also unknowingly treat him as mentally ill... To some extent, I am also an accomplice of 'righteousness', right?"

It wasn't until this moment that Xu Yihan finally seemed to be able to understand Deng Yuan. It turned out that he was not that soft-shouldered elder sister, not that coquettish female anchor, not that weak, naive, blindly loving weirdo.He is a victim living in self-blame, a Sisyphus whose flesh and blood are crushed by boulders over and over again, he is a bodhisattva in the eyes of others, and a sinner in his own eyes.

"Wen Jia persuaded me before that I don't blame Bai Niangniang for jumping off the building. He was forced, or he couldn't keep going...I don't need to do these things...to atone for sin. But am I really just atone for sin? I like Helping them like a fool, just to atone for their sins?" Deng Yuan's expression was full of sorrow, "Some of us have jumped off buildings, some have depression, some have completely severed ties with their families, and some have sold themselves for surgery. Money, some take medicine and become disabled, some... there are all kinds of misery. We paid such a high price just to realize our wishes. In fact, even today I still don’t think it’s A disease, although our society doesn't even recognize 'gender identity disorder', although many transgender people want society to recognize the existence of this disease, but I still don't think it's a disease. It's just a The desire to change is just the control we have over our bodies, just like if a man takes aphrodisiacs to make his penis bigger, people will think it is normal, so why should a man take progesterone to make his penis bigger? Small, become a pervert? I help them not to atone for their sins, but because I know that they paid such a high price... too big, the price is really too high."

"Oh...these things have nothing to do with 'righteousness'," Deng Yuan wiped away his tears, and after a few seconds, he pointed to the window sill and repeated, "That's where Bai Niangniang jumped off."

At this point, the content about Deng Yuan is over.The documentary failed to give an answer: Did "Zhengxin" pay the price for the death of Bai Niangniang?What did the doctor and the instructor do to the white lady that night?No explanation, no truth.Maybe there will never be an explanation, there will never be a truth.Xu Yihan felt both despair and rejoicing. The despair was that maybe Bai Niangniang was destined to become an unknown victim. Fortunately, at least they recorded his suffering.

In the last scene of Deng Yuan in the documentary, he is standing by the window where the white lady jumped off the building. In front of him is the gray sky and behind him is the messy garbage. The place is barren except for the barrenness.

The music of "Legend of the White Snake" sounded at this moment, it was the song that Bai Niangniang hummed before jumping off the building.Because of singing that night, he was taken away by the doctor.They never had the chance to know what kind of mood Bai Niangniang was in when she sang, but the melodious and persistent singing of this song enabled them to more or less imagine the scene of Bai Niangniang singing.White Snake was imprisoned in Leifeng Pagoda, while Bai Niangniang was imprisoned in "Zhengxin". Probably their wishes were the same: one day, the mountains would collapse and the ground would be cracked, yellow rain would fall from the sky, Leifeng Pagoda would fall, and the barbed wire fence would be broken, so they rushed out. Cage, usher in true freedom——

Wait and wait for a thousand years

I have no regrets after waiting for a thousand years

西湖 的 水 的 泪

I'd rather be a flame with you

Wait and wait for a thousand years

I have no regrets after waiting for a thousand years

……