Fugue

—he doesn't want them, he doesn't want anything, and he doesn't want to die.

Gan Luan put down his pen and looked up at the person who came.A small fair face is supported by a dark brown high collar, a cactus brooch hangs in the middle of his chest, his white coat is open, his hands are in his pockets, he walks silently, riding the wind in a long skirt, and drifts to him——Xu Feiwei, a self-acquainted The lady got close to this set again.

"Good morning, kid." Xu Zishu approached with a smile on his face: "What are you looking at, what are you writing?"

What nonsense.Gan Luan ignored her and even covered the book.When I wake up, everything around me, from the environment to people, is completely unfamiliar, only the book at hand is familiar: "Colorful Painting Collection".Every day, apart from lamenting how he was treated as a beast in a cage, his only pastime is to flip through this book.However, Xu Yinghou can turn a blind eye and greet him every time as a first-timer, what to read and what to write-he only has one book, what else can he read?

It has only been three days since he woke up, and in the past three days, Gan Luan has tried a hundred "prison escape" methods, all of which have ended in failure. The whole world is an enemy, only "Colorful Painting Collection" will never leave.Oh, and this pen, this gorgeous, blinding, eye-catching, golden fountain pen coveted by Teacher Xu for a long time.Gan Luan put on the cap of the gold pen, took up his only property and generously said, "For you." Xu Fei stretched out his hand slightly, and Gan Luan took it back: "On conditional."

Not in a hurry, Teacher Xu smiled and said, "Say." Gan Luan pointed to the window with a pen, "This is the eleventh floor." Xu Fei nodded slightly.Gan Luan said seriously: "I cherish my life, I won't jump off the building." The audience laughed like hell: "Yes, yes, I believe it."

"So," Gan Luan moved to the window and knocked on the window frame loudly: "Can the anti-theft window be removed? The iron railing is more tightly stitched than silk stockings. Are you afraid that I will turn into a mosquito and fly out?"

Paying the money with one hand and delivering the goods with the other, that afternoon, Gan Luan was finally able to see a complete piece of the sky through the window, feeling relieved and sad at the same time.I don't know whether it's too happy or worried, but from the second day on, Xu Fei swayed over more frequently, each time with the gold pen pinned to her chest, with a happy face, looking at Gan Luan with very explicit eyes, like a woman waiting for her. A farmer with a big harvest.

Xu Nonglong pushed forward: "It would be nice to hear you talk about this book sometime."

Gan Luan wrote a letter: "I am your research object?"

Teacher Xu joked, "No, no... I am your savior, world, lord~"

Hearing this, Gan Luan hooked his lips and lowered his eyes.In his eyes, the darkness and twilight were muddy and mixed into gray: "No, my savior will only be one person."

Xu Feiwei wanted to say more, when a few people suddenly came to the door, accompanied by a knock on the door like a notification. "It came very quickly." She muttered, and stepped aside: "Let's chat."

The ward Gan Luan lives in is a relatively large suite. In addition to the bathroom, it is also equipped with an open kitchen and reception room. It is said that there is no separation between the two, and they are connected to the end.The bedroom and the reception room are side by side, and there is a door connecting them. After removing the anti-theft fence of the silk stockings, Gan Luan has visually observed that from the balcony of the bedroom, he can jump directly onto the window sill of the reception room. Of course, he does not know what is the use of visual inspection.Life is too boring, people sometimes subconsciously make some strange predictions.

They were now in the reception room, a row of empty bookshelves against the wall facing the bedroom, and a few potted plants on top of it.In front of the bookshelf is a set of ivory-white office desks and chairs, Gan Luan is in it, wearing a blue-green striped hospital gown with a white background, the whole person is almost submerged in it.The desk was pitifully clean, and the pen was traded away, leaving only a book of poems that was about to be torn apart by Gan Luan.Just now, Dr. Xu "kindly" sent a black fountain pen, so that Gan Luan's hands, which had no place to rest, would not look empty.The visitor stood still, and Gan Luan got up and said, "Please sit down." The visitor pushed his glasses, and got straight to the point: "Look at these documents first, and if there is no problem, please sign now." Gan Luan took the documents , Randomly flipped through: "Effective at the end of the month?" Counting from today, there is still more than half a month left. "This is the best time we have given your recovery."

Gan Luan said: "You?" The visitor nodded: "Professor Xu and I. Then, who am I?" Gan Luan narrowed his eyes, "Uncle Yun." He leaned forward, resting his chin on the back of his hand , like a fox, with a smile in his eyes:

"I never remember you."

【...He wants to find out the truth and see what happened at the moment when the desire was basically satisfied.Is it a distortion of piety, or not, let him go, he can do whatever he wants... (Note 1)]

"At first, I thought that the 'truth' he wanted to find out was: whether 'forever' would be loyal to him." Gan Luan wrote a lot of annotations on this book, asking him to express his feelings, which came at his fingertips. "You see," he said, pointing to a sentence, "he also killed all those who followed him."

【...Those women have reappeared...all the people are still following him...the crowd, the golden roof of the temple, the beautiful beasts are still the same, they still exist...(Note 2)】

"He destroyed it all and found 'Forever' to be his true believer."

"But...it doesn't matter, whether 'forever' is loyal to him? It doesn't matter, even if someone betrays him, it doesn't matter."

"He doesn't want them, he doesn't want anything, and he doesn't want to die."

Three days later, the police announced the investigation results of Gan Xiao's case: it was a negligent suicide.At the same time, due to the relentless pursuit of the reporter team, Bian's gave an official response to the whereabouts of Bian You, a small local celebrity: He has gone abroad for further studies, and whether he returns to China depends on his own wishes.Bian's internal and external mess was caused by the criticism of his son. He was exhausted from the turmoil and could no longer be distracted by other things. Bian You's activities came to an end.Ordinary citizens who have been onlookers watching the case can't help but sigh, it's true that rich people have more lives.This news was quickly overshadowed by the actions of the Gan Group. Mr. Gan's royal lawyers held a press conference and announced a message about the "final will", which basically turned Gan's world upside down.The plot is so boring that there can be no surprises: Youdao is the orthodox destiny, under the protection of Jin Yiwei headed by Yun Shuo, the Crown Prince will finally inherit the great cause of the Gan Group.And the rebels from all walks of life, such as Gan Xian and Gan Xian, broke into the people on the charge of house arresting the prince and coveting the throne, and they were never allowed to return to the court.Ordinary Citizen: What a royal ruthlessness.

When the news was announced, Gan Xu's whereabouts were unknown. Gan Xian and his family were preparing to board the plane. Gan Xian and his wife were taken abroad by the eldest son. However, it didn't take half a day to die.

After a wave of unrest, another wave, the Ye family from Yaocheng suddenly appeared and took over most of the business of the Gan Group. The foundation of the new emperor is not stable, but it has not grown at all. When the regent came, he meddled in political affairs carelessly, and the entire Gan family existed in name only—just after the performance of the emperor's career, the broadcast of the collapse of the dynasty began, and the jaws of the melon-eating people dropped all the way.

At that time, Gan Luan was packing his luggage, preparing to become the second closed disciple of Lao Xu and her master.He keeps his ears shut and only reads to the sages—although he is not very willing in his heart.

"I've always remembered you." After saying that, Gan Luan stopped laughing and looked up at Yun Shuo.

Hearing this, Yun Shuo said: "If you have any suggestions for revising the date, you can discuss it with Professor Xu, and I won't stay any longer." After leaving these words behind, he quickly retracted the document, and left with a few decorations in half a minute. Don't want to waste.Gan Luan admired Lao Yun's style, immediately followed him, and called Lao Xu: "Come on, let me talk to you about this book." He opened the "Colorful Painting Collection" and stopped at "Story" one page.There was nothing to worry about, it was all up to Gan Luan to think about it—he began to tell the "story" until the end:

[One night, he rode proudly on horseback.A genie appears, a genie with an indescribable, even indescribable beauty.His demeanor and his demeanor express the multiple and complex expectations of love!The hope of happiness that is indescribable and even unbearable!King and elf may disappear together in a state of essential sanity. (Note 3)]

"The 'truth' he was looking for was 'beauty'. At first he thought beauty was something eternal, 'forever'. But it wasn't. 'Beauty' represented his instinct, his favorite, his only desire. "Speaking of this, Gan Luan's eyes turned to the window, the wind from outside the window came in, the blue gauze curtain rose and fell, and it caught his eyes like a fleeting green feather: "He doesn't want anything, and he doesn't want to die either." In his eyes, the distance is a hazy green, "it is 'beauty' that keeps him from dying. Because his beauty has not found him yet." He said I don't want to die.Like a blue bird on the way, it doesn't know where to stop.

A few days ago, when Gan Luan opened his eyes, he stared at the very low ceiling above his head, and realized that they were not familiar with each other.

He started to pull out the lingering infusion tube, trying to call someone, but his voice refused.He found the phone, and a voice message was popping up on the screen, and he opened it without any hassle. Then, a voice like a knife and saw said two words: "Kapok." The message ended.This voice was like a curse, he began to hallucinate, he heard a voice in his ear saying: "Kapok, is this kapok?" Then he started to hallucinate again, in front of his eyes was a dilapidated balcony, which appeared The wind picked up, and a few dead leaves brushed past his feet.Gold covered the entire sky, he seemed to be on a balcony, and seemed to be floating in the air.The angle of view is constantly switching, sometimes seeing a sweaty tool lying on the palm, sometimes staring at another self from high above, watching him pick the lock and push the door.Being an outsider but not being able to grasp anything, like a marionette, let the story go on.

The above was the last memory before his dream.

In the dream, he gestured ridiculously to shoot: "Bang!" Then, he said something even more ridiculous:

"Welcome to the real world."

This sentence was like a real bullet, and the boy who was shot turned pale.The boy fled into that house, and he also broke into it. This is a duplex apartment with floor-to-ceiling windows spanning the second floor. Staying by the window seems to be connected to the sky.As soon as he entered the door, he was attracted by the whole sky. The roofs of the buildings spread flat to the distance, with blurred outlines, as if sinking into the bottom of the sea. A Ferris wheel shone with golden light, concentric with the setting sun, half submerged in the deep sea.In the distance like the sea level, a golden and huge sky is held up, and the gradually rich golden glow falls slowly like a waterfall, blending with the red sun, forming a burning orange-red... blowing towards the face.That piece of sky is attracting him to go in, forgetting the present, forgetting the purpose, forgetting himself, even forgetting the passage of time.

When the tide in the Orange Sea receded, Gan Luan suddenly realized that the boy had disappeared.Scanned the unobstructed single bedroom, stomped across the floor, found the downstairs from the upstairs, walked through the pillar-like bookshelves, studied the red wine on display - even the cracks - still could not catch the boy's shadow.The sky was getting dark, Gan Luan walked around for a while, but couldn't find a single lamp that could be lit, all of them were decorations.Fortunately, there is a window as a curtain, which opens up an entire side without reservation, so that the moonlight of the whole night flows unscrupulously into the room.

Back downstairs again, the moonlight is already as clear as water, and the Buddha is the brightest at night.Just when the moon was shining brightly, the boy appeared by the window.He held a candlestick and was placing it on the tea table.Candlelight is gold, flowing silver is love, and a thin layer of brilliance is plated on the youth.The moon god cared for him, so he made him invisible, made his outline just right, and made him beautiful as eternity.

A sentence flashed through his mind, "Would you choose to be more afraid of the night, or the fire?" Frivolously, disdainfully, like a threat.He approached the boy, and the boy said: You should be my dream.He was also helpless: "Just treat it like this. What about you, who are you?"

Under such moonlight, the boy revealed his "true" identity to Gan Luan for the first time: "Then I...my name is 'Endymion'...this is me." Shrunk back.If there was a cat with half-closed eyelids and pricked pupils, then Gan Luan's expression should be exactly the same as that cat's.

"Endymion?" Gan Luan thought: Forgive my ignorance.When it comes to Endymion, he can only think of the following stories:

[What is more beautiful than moonlight—it is the sleeping face of the shepherd boy Endymion, said the Moon Goddess.She fell in love with his sleeping face under the moon, so she kissed him, made him sleep forever, and made him fall in love with her in his dream.He loves the false moon in his dreams, but never sees his real lover.Because when he wakes up, it is the disappearance of the boy. (Note 4)]

"Yeah." The boy under the moon nodded: "I am a monster who will always be accompanied by falsehood."

bingo. I should have guessed right.

"Sleep because of the moonlight, deceive yourself by the moonlight, live by the moonlight. A monster under the moon." They faced each other, and the young man reached out to touch his face—it was such a real touch—Gan Luan made himself bend his eyes like a mask , Just engrave the lines of laughter on the face.His eyes seemed to say, "It's real. The world is real. I'm real. I'm real." Oh, he thought, there's no escape for you, he thought, and said, "Okay , now I hold your handle, and you have nowhere to escape.”——Is this me, can it still be a dream? ——The young man avoided his gaze, lowered his eyes slightly, and the silver in his eyes turned, sinking into a pool of half a moon, and through his eyelashes, scattered light spots leaked out. "If you are not my dream, you should kill me."

"Kill me." The boy declared: "My life is not worth mentioning." His fingertips touched Gan Luan's heart: "I am not unique, I am just one of them."

……

[How could they not die like this?And so they died together. (Note 5)]

Xu Fei slightly pointed at this sentence: "What do you think this means?"

"Only taken literally, it can be said that this represents his end. 'He didn't find beauty until the moment he died', or 'died the moment he found beauty', I think either way is fine." Gan Luan He wrote the book, and he felt that the story could end here, "How to treat beauty? Before reading this "Story", I always believed that 'occupation' is the highest attempt on beauty. Later I discovered that mere occupation is completely Not enough, you have to 'lose' yourself in it and become 'beauty' itself."

"You said 'how to treat beauty', as if you were talking about how to love."

"That's right. 'Occupy' is love, and 'lost' is even more love."

"It's also love to imitate according to your meaning."

"Well... imitation is an incomplete love."

"To be complete, to be thorough..." Seeing Xu Feiwei's meaningful, interesting, and interested gossip expression, he changed his words: "This is not all my personal opinion."

A sage once said that when watching, sink yourself in the perceived object, forget yourself, and become a mirror of the object, as if only where it is, and no one is perceiving it, there is no boundary, no separation, the two into one; this is a pure mastery of knowledge, without will, pain, or time.

"I think his description is the pinnacle of perceptual 'beauty'."

"Huh? So that's it." The smiling Xu Fei moved closer and closer, as if to study the length of Gan Luan's eyelashes, "So... ah, so." Gan Luan was unmoved, she retracted boredly, and was on the phone again Called up a document in the phone, cleared his throat: "Uh-huh. Regarding memory, we usually say, recall, recall, so to speak, it seems to be a kind of reminiscence, to fish out the past pictures from the mind, and re- Examine." Gan Luan frowned slightly, his chin retracted.If there was a cat with half-closed eyelids and pricked pupils, then Gan Luan's expression should be exactly the same as that cat's. "However, memory is a kind of thought reconstruction. It is like this: give you a clue about the past, follow that line, and recreate the picture of the past in your mind; every memory is an innovation." Xu The reciter watched Gan Luan's face while reading, but unfortunately the latter was always an impatient cat, "In a sense, your memory...is the most unreal fabrication."

"Well...it's so long," she muttered, and flipped through: "Oh, here it is, Schopenhauer once said that if a person relies on the power of the heart...but a person without will, pain, and The sheer knowledge of time reigns."

It fell through.When Xu Feiwei read the first sentence, Gan Luan knew he had been tricked—is Xu Feiwei a devil too!Wait a minute, too...?

"How?" The devil Xu showed a devilish smile: "So this "On the Interweaving of Memory and Dreams" was indeed written by you." Seeing that Gan Luan was unwilling to answer, she added: "Frankly, there are surprises, resist humming snort!"

"What if I admit it?"

"Then I will congratulate you, you can leave the hospital early. My boss, that is, my master—a difficult uncle—is interested in you, and he wants to accept you as a closed disciple."

Gan Luan frowned, moved his disgusted face back and forth, and showed a cat expression again: "What do you mean, who is your master?"

"It's just an ordinary university professor." Xu Fei blinked slightly: "His surname is Ye."

On the day before Gan Luan left, Xu Fei smiled like a loving mother who hoped for her son to become a dragon. Gan Luan had no choice but to try not to look at her face. "Doctor Xu," he said, "recently I want to understand something."

"What's the matter?" Mother Xu stood on tiptoe and touched his head, but Gan Luan dodged it: "I'm still alive, so my savior must not be dead."

"Oh?" She put away her expression, and smiled again for a moment: "This is really...a surprise." Dr. Xu patted him on the shoulder, pushed him forward, and Gan Luan walked out: " No surprise. Because 'they are going to die together'." He walked ahead, couldn't see if Xu Feiwei was still smiling, but felt that she stopped where she was, and then Dr. Xu said, "I mean, if your savior is still exists, then I can’t be your savior.” A smile appeared on his face, “You’re still talking…” She suddenly interrupted him: “May I ask, TA is your savior, so What are you from TA? A believer?"

"I..." Gan Luan turned around, his upper lip was slowly pursed, the smile gradually spread, and his eyes, which were shining like honey, were slightly narrowed. It was a gentle expression, but there was no trace of a smile. .

"I'm his... wish-killer," he said.

【What our desire lacks is difficult and exquisite music. (Note 7)]

#注1、2、3、5、7：摘自《故事》，作者兰波，译者王道乾。《故事》是兰波诗集《彩画集》中的一篇。

#Note 4: Endymion comes from Greek mythology, and the outline is roughly as described in the text.By the way, if I remember correctly, in "Sailor Moon", the prince of the earth who fell in love with the moon princess seems to be called Endymion~

#Note 6: Excerpted from "Psychology of Literature and Art" (Zhu Guangqian) P10~11: "...Schopenhauer said in Volume [-] of his "The World of Will and the World of Images"...but a person without will, without pain, Timeless pure subject of knowledge reigns."

#Next chapter preview:

It should be bad news, but joy appeared on the faces of most of the students.