To my dear Mr. Meng

I sat on a chair and stared at the pot of pothos, trying to count how many leaves it had.But when the number reaches 31, I can't tell which ones have been counted.

Today is my hospital day.

I didn't want to recall how I was sent to the hospital. I probably passed out for a while on the way, and my memory was incoherent. When I woke up in the hospital bed, I saw my parents arguing with Meng Qiansheng in the corridor outside the glass window.

To be more precise, my parents scolded Meng Qiansheng unilaterally, and I didn't see him speak much.

After a while, a passing nurse stopped, and the outside became quiet. When my mother came in and saw me, she burst into tears, sat on the bedside, and gently touched my forehead: "You want to kill me! "

My dad looked gloomy, walked up to me, but didn't get angry, and asked, "Is there anything uncomfortable?"

I shook my head and said sorry.

My mother was sobbing, and warm tears hit my arm. She reached out to wipe it, and a little flew to my face.

Meng Qiansheng kept looking at me, but he only stood at the gate of the ward and didn't come in.I also looked at him and saw that he was frowning slightly, looking sad.

After my physical condition stabilized, my dad followed the doctor's advice and sent me to the inpatient department of the Fifth Hospital.My mother refused to live and die, saying that the psychiatric hospitals like the Fifth Hospital are locked up in a mess of lunatics. My dad got angry and yelled at me, so I didn't mention it. She held my hand and cried all the way, saying: "I'm really I have a hard life, meeting your father... What can you not think about? You have been like this since you were a child, and you don’t want to tell us anything, but you shouldn’t make yourself like this. Have you ever thought about us? Don’t you Knowing that I saw you at the time..."

At first I was really full of guilt and wished I could apologize from time to time, but because of her nagging all day long, the guilt gradually thinned out, and finally turned into a layer of dust, blown by the wind, and disappeared without a trace.I patted her hand lightly, and she thought I was comforting her, so she wiped away her tears and served me tea and water contentedly.

In fact, I just want her to stop talking, and it's annoying to hear.

During the hospitalization procedures, Meng Qiansheng also came. I don't know what they discussed. My mother didn't let him go, and she didn't yell at him, but just used him as air; my father didn't look at him directly, and stayed away .

The wards here are no different from ordinary wards, and they are quieter.When the nurse arranged a bed for me, the doctor took a pen and paper to ask me about my medical history. I heard him ask a series of questions, such as sudden onset and slow onset, onset symptoms, past medical experience, etc. My parents looked at each other in dismay, confused.Meng Qian who was on the side took up the conversation, and the doctor started talking with him. My parents' expressions turned gloomy, and they kept silent.

It was almost noon after the formalities were completed, and I sent them to the end of the corridor, where Meng Qiansheng was standing there on the phone. From my mother's dense chatting network, I heard that he seemed to be changing the ticket.

"Okay." My dad interrupted her and looked at me for a long time, "Don't think so much, we are just you, we won't let you go. Cooperate with the doctor well, your mother will come to see you when she is free, here The food is not good, tell her what you want to eat. Do you understand?"

I nodded.

He nodded too, frowned when he caught a glimpse of Meng Qian not far away, and strode towards the elevator.Seeing that my mother was still nagging, he said impatiently: "Hurry up, can you go?"

My mother kept pushing me in: "You go in quickly, you still need to be checked."

I gently pushed her hand away and said, "I'll have a few words with him."

She did not pretend to say: "You are not allowed to make trouble for me!" After speaking, she glanced at Meng Qiansheng warily, and then stepped into the elevator.

The elevator door closed, I waited for a while, Meng Qiansheng hung up the phone, walked towards me, and smiled gently.I forgot how to move my hands, and asked dryly, "Did you change the ticket?"

"Well, go back tonight."

"I delayed you?"

He glanced at me, smiled and said, "No."

"When I called you that day, I wasn't clear enough to trouble you." I felt embarrassed, "If my parents said something nasty, don't take it to heart."

He quietly listened to my stuttering speech, and said with a slight smile, "You don't have to be so polite with me, it's very alienating."

I nodded, but I didn't know what else to say, so I remained silent for a while.He didn't open his mouth either, the floor was very quiet except for the faint voice of a woman singing.

"You take care of yourself," he said.

"I know."

"Don't stop the medicine casually."

"Ah."

I didn't listen to him anymore, I raised my eyes, and he nodded: "Then I'm leaving too."

"Okay. Slow down on your way."

The numbers in the elevator kept jumping, and when I reached the fourth floor, I finally couldn't hold back any longer and asked in a low voice, "Will you marry Fang Wenqian?"

He looked surprised, as if he didn't expect me to ask this.I also realized my abruptness, so I quickly said, "Sorry, pretend I didn't ask."

The elevator door just opened, I smiled and said, "Goodbye."

He smiled back and walked in.

Mental hospitals are like mirror images of the outside world.There is a manic patient who claims to be a half-immortal, who shows pictures from ward to ward; a middle-aged woman with schizophrenia, who always thinks her husband is cheating, and catches mistresses every day; a little girl who bangs her head against the wall during the day, sings loudly at night, The nurses had to tie her to the bed with straps; there was also a beautiful paranoid female patient. On the second day of her admission, a bipolar disorder and another schizophrenic fought to be her boyfriend. Shout out in a circle.

The room next to me is a Doctor of Philosophy from Central University. During the day when I was dizzy after switching to lamotrigine, he always volunteered to read Nietzsche, Sartre, Hegel, Foucault and a book to me. A series of works by philosophers caused me to have nightmares at night, and I had to supervise me and other patients in other wards to take medicine every day, so that everyone could cooperate with the treatment. When a patient had an attack and beat him, he went out angrily, claiming, "I am with this group of patients." Crazy can't stand it anymore."

There was a young boy who had just entered high school living in the next ward. When his mother came to visit, he gnawed on the fruit, pointed at me and my neighbor in the corridor and said, "Look, Mom, one of them is from Central University. Ph.D., and a master's degree from National Chengchi University. I told you a long time ago that if you read too much, your brain will go wrong."

His mother stared at us, lost in melancholy thought.

Maybe because of the medicine in the hospital, I seldom dream at night, and the occasional dreams are all weird things in the hospital.I only dreamed about Meng Qiansheng once, and when I woke up it was five o'clock in the morning, and I kept watching the sun rise.

I stayed in the hospital for two full months, and it was already spring when I was discharged from the hospital.

Mobile phones are not allowed in the hospital, and I found out that there were many phone calls and text messages when I got home. I called Guan Ting, and she asked me why I suddenly disappeared, so I simply told her the whole truth.

After hearing this, she was so shocked that she didn't speak for a long time, and then comforted me for a long time, telling me to take medicine well, and to go to her if I want to relax, and she will provide food and shelter.

After being discharged from the hospital, my mother was still terrified. When she heard that I wanted to go to work, she repeatedly reminded me not to look for a job that was too tiring and stressful. When my dad came back at night, she asked me to work with my dad, or a company of a friend of my dad.

My dad pointed at the remote control, stared at the TV and said, "Who knows what he thinks, don't make up your mind again, he should be unhappy if you say it. He can do whatever he wants, don't worry about it."

I helped my mother collect the sheets on the balcony and pretended not to hear.

My mother asked me to rest at home for another half a month. I didn't object. I usually stay with her at home and sometimes go out by myself.After having dinner with Xu Miao twice, I realized that his business was out of business, he lost his money, and now he is working in a private company. Feng Yanling resigned because of having a baby, and planned to wait for her daughter to go to kindergarten before going out to work.He also said that Feng Yanling's natal family didn't like their daughter, and they didn't care too much when the child was born, relying entirely on his parents for help;

Xu Miao sipped the white wine and said, "I still envy you. You have food and clothing. If you don't want to work, you can quit your job. If one person is full, the whole family will not be hungry."

I can't laugh or cry.

That night, my mother and a friend of hers, my name is Aunt Hu, had dinner together, and they insisted on accompanying me, so I had to wash up and tidy up, and took a taxi to go.The two of them were in a small box, and they were talking happily. When Aunt Hu saw me, she laughed from ear to ear and kept asking me to sit next to her.

I couldn't stand the enthusiasm, so I braced myself and exchanged some pleasantries. Not long after I sat down, a gentle girl came in. My mother introduced her as Aunt Hu's niece, who was about my age.

It was only then that I figured out that tonight was a blind date for me.After finding out what my mother was thinking, I couldn't help being a little annoyed, but I couldn't get angry on the spot, and I couldn't taste the taste of a meal.Before leaving, I was forced to exchange contact information with the girl and sent her away. My mother and I walked slowly to the intersection to take a taxi.

I kept silent along the way, but my mother was very interested, saying that this girl graduated from the University of Finance and Economics, works in a bank, has a stable job, good family conditions, and is a local. The loft was redecorated and used as a wedding room for me. My dad also promised to spend 40 yuan to buy me a better car for my wedding...

I couldn't bear it anymore and interrupted her: "Have you asked my opinion?"

She stopped laughing: "It's not that I see that you don't know how to be anxious at all. Your uncle is a shopkeeper who doesn't care about anything. It's fine if you don't like it. Take your time. It still suits your eyes."

"It's impossible for me to get married." Seeing that she was about to get angry again, I hurriedly said, "Mom, listen to me. I told you before that I'm gay and I don't like girls. Even if I have a partner in the future , and it can only be a man. Why do you force me to get married?"

Her eyes were wide open, as if hearing shocking words, her footsteps also stopped unconsciously. I stood opposite her and looked straight at her.I don't know if it was my illusion, but the circles of her eyes were red, and there was a clear liquid in them, which made her eyes extraordinarily bright.

She said: "Didn't you change everything? If you don't get married or have children, what will you do when you get old? What will others think? You are lying in the hospital dying, and no one will sign for you. Have you thought about it?" This kind of life? Everyone wants to get married and have children, everyone is like this, why do you have to be a different kind?"

"It's not that I want to be a different kind. Homosexuality can't be changed. Besides, there are only so many decades in a lifetime, so why force yourself to make others happy? I hope I keep making you and my dad angry. I'm sorry for you, But if you have to force me to make you happy, I really can't do it."

She covered her face and cried bitterly: "What sin did I do? Why did I give birth to you? Can't you think about me and your dad? You only think about yourself, have you thought about us? When you don't want to live If you don’t live anymore, have you thought about what will happen to me and your dad? If you say you won’t get married if you don’t get married, then you’ve thought about what others think of our family and your dad and me? Of course we support you in what you want to do. But why don't you order something normal!"

This is an unbreakable knot, I really can't say anything else, I can only pass her a tissue in silence.After she wiped away her tears and calmed down, I said, "Stop talking, let's go home."

After returning home, I locked myself in the room and heard her talking to my dad all the time downstairs, my dad was furious and said, "Tell him to get out, I didn't give birth to him!" After a while, footsteps came up, and I just Opening the door, they stepped up to the second floor, and my dad pointed at me: "Do you have to be a freak?"

I said flatly, "I'm not married."

He stared at me fiercely, then suddenly reached into his pocket, took out his wallet, and threw my original card on my chest: "If you want to be gay, get out! Don't call me if you die outside, Get out of here right now!"

That night I packed up my belongings and left.

I just don't have strong bones, so I took that card with me when I left.

I dragged my suitcase and bought a train ticket to the municipality at the train station, and called Guan Ting, saying that I was going to join her.Guan Ting expressed deep sympathy when he heard the whole story, and promised to help me, a refugee, at the train station.

Although Guan Ting let me live in her house, I always felt that it was not suitable. I stayed in a hotel for two days and rented a one-bedroom apartment with an elevator near the business district as soon as possible to settle down.

I didn't expect that the card my dad gave me contained more than 40 yuan.Then I thought that this might be the money he was going to leave for me to buy a car for my wedding, and I couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed.Probably only your parents will remember to throw you a bedding made of fresh cotton when they sweep you out.

I was not familiar with the places in my life, so I shamelessly asked Guan Ting for help, and introduced me to some good jobs, so I could try submitting my resume.

One of them is a large-scale private enterprise, and the boss recruits a secretary.After three rounds of screening, I and a female master were retained, and they were asked to try it out for a month.

My future boss is surnamed Zhou, and his name is Zhou Biao. It is said that he started his business in the sales department in his early years. A lot of ashes have been dumped, but he has not shown his loyalty from the palace.I saw that the photo in his office was neither a hypocritical group photo in the mall, nor a family relationship with his wife and children, but a big goldfish, and I felt that this man was an extraordinary person.

A month later, I was inexplicably corrected, and I found out that it was because the female master climbed a high branch to marry a rich man.

After the work was settled, I was forced to start calculating daily necessities, holding an account book all day long.It is more important to buy a house than to buy a car first.I have been with Meng Qiansheng for so long, and I am still very troubled to settle accounts, saying that we should manage our own money, but what to invest my money in, how much to buy for each type of investment, and which benefit has the greatest return. Meng Qiansheng helped me worry about it and said yes Suggestion, in fact, I only nod my head every time, so I didn't notice it at all.I was so worried at home that I had to ask Guan Boss to come out of the mountain with blood.

Guan Ting sighed, "You are like Jin Yanxi who was kicked out of the house."

I ignore her.

I still need regular follow-up visits for my illness. In fact, it is not good to change doctors frequently, but I can’t help it. Therefore, I specially called a well-known doctor and went to the hospital to queue up early in the morning.

There were several people waiting outside the clinic. I leaned against the wall with my medical records and played with my mobile phone. After two games, I always felt that someone was watching me. I looked up and saw a young man sitting on the chair next to me, looking at me.

After more than an hour, I was really impatient to wait, I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, he was the only one sitting there.I pretended not to see it, but his eyes kept sticking to my face. I got a little angry and glared at him, but he smiled indifferently, which was quite meaningful.

As soon as I saw this suggestive smile, I knew it was a homosexual.

He got up and walked up to me and asked, "Dude, what's wrong with you?"

I said coldly, "I'm not sick."

He was surprised and said: "Then you are seriously ill, you have no self-awareness. Why is there no one to accompany you?"

I said angrily, "You must be sick!"

He smiled and said, "Yes, I am bipolar."

Neuropathy.

——Damn it, he is indeed insane.

The electronic screen at the door of the consulting room reminded the next person to see a doctor, and the name changed from the previous person to "Number Eight, Wen Zhuo".The man waved to me, said "Let's talk later", and entered the consulting room.

When I came out, it was almost noon, and when I opened the door, the man named Wen Zhuo was still standing at the door, saying, "So your name is He Yujun."

I asked: "What are you doing?"

He said, "May I treat you to dinner?"

I looked at him: "Are you selling insurance or MLM?"

"I do art and open a gallery." He smiled at me excitedly.

I always thought that a gallery like this is all about metaphysics, until I saw him walking straight towards a Ferrari in the parking space.Deep in the economic crisis, I sincerely asked: "How about my qualifications, can I earn a Ferrari by opening a gallery?"

He laughed and said, "I'll tell you if you eat with me."

I stood beside the car and said, "I'm afraid you are selling human organs."

"Patients don't lie to patients."

He opened the car door and threw the medical records into the back seat. When he lowered his head, the line of his jaw was drawn smoothly, which made my heart skip a beat.

It's really a bit like that.

He held the door of the car, smiled at me and said, "Let's go, patient?"

I opened the passenger door and said, "Let's go."

Wen Zhuo and I met so casually.