clinging to you, imprisoning the past

In the early morning, Zhou Zhi woke up.He dreamed that he was dying, that cancer had killed him.

He turned his head to look at Shen Zhuo who was already in a deep sleep, and couldn't help brushing his eyelashes that were trembling in his sleep with his fingertips, while mocking this guy's frantic sleeping posture in his heart.

I have seen this appearance before I knew him... He thought, his thoughts are always extraordinarily clear in the quiet night, Zhou Zhi recalled the time when he first met Shen Jue.In the high school days when I was still a teenager, and in the high school days when I was in love, the classroom was as quiet as the night at this moment.

In high school, Zhou Zhi had always had excellent grades.But there was one person who made him gnash his teeth, wishing he could be cut into pieces in his heart.This person is Shen Zhuo, with him around, Zhou Zhi can only be ranked second in the class no matter what, if Zhou Zhi is ranked first, it must be because Shen Zhuo didn't take the exam.Moreover, the difference between the scores of the two will always be only that small. If Zhou Zhi scored 545, Shen Zhuo would have scored 547. In the end, Zhou Zhi even began to suspect that this bastard was deliberately playing him.

But Zhou Zhi was not a troublesome person. At that time, he only had study in his heart, and he didn't want to deal with the rest at all - he refused all the class committees given by the teacher, didn't participate in campus activities, and didn't talk at all in school. So the classmates in the class are afraid of him, and naturally there are not many friends.

And Shen Dian is his complete opposite - he is not only the class monitor, but also there is always a circle of people around his desk after class, and Shen Dian, who is in the center of everyone, will often display his excellent communication skills Ability to talk and laugh with classmates.

I don't know if such polarization is intentional or a coincidence.

In a word, Zhou Zhi's advantages are both Shen Jue's; Zhou Zhi's shortcomings——

Shen Zhuo didn't have any.

He is naturally the most perfect in the hearts of his classmates and teachers. He is the proud son of heaven, the hope of the country, and the future of the motherland.

Zhou Zhi doesn't care about these things, he reads his books and plays with them.But he couldn't die, this person came over to annoy him like a fly every day, no matter whether Zhou Zhi answered him or not, he never got tired of it, and he didn't go back until he was buzzing enough.As a result, Zhou Zhi could only hurry up and read while Shen Zhuo was taking a nap on the table.

Zhou Zhi glanced in that direction inadvertently a few times, and with just one glance, his scalp would go numb in shock from the sleeping face of the monster.

But no matter how much Shen Zhuo harassed him, Zhou Zhi remained as unmoved as a mountain.

Until one day when it was rare to relax and play basketball in physical education class, Zhou Zhi accidentally noticed Shen Zhuo's surprisingly poor skills, and suddenly felt a sense of pride that he finally had a place where he could beat him, and he secretly rejoiced for a long time.

In the end, he turned evil to the side of courage, and for the first time he took the initiative to talk to Shen Zhuo, the purpose was to frustrate this kid's spirit.

In terms of playing, you still have to call me uncle.

Thinking of this, Zhou Zhi walked over to Shen Zhuo who was still chatting with the little girl with his head held high.Then, in full view of everyone, he shook the basketball in his hand and asked Shen Zhuo:

"Playing ball?"

Shen Zhuo was stunned for a moment, then immediately adjusted his smile, and said cheerfully:

"Okay."

So Shen Juan lived up to expectations and lost more than 50 rebounds.

Exhausted, Shen Zhuo sat down on the ground, gasped and asked Zhou Zhi, "Why are you so good?"

And Zhou Zhi was sitting next to him, panting slightly, his cheeks flushed, he said as calmly as possible,

"I played ball from a young age."

"……All right."

A moment of silence.

The silent two were out of tune with the lively classmates who were playing ball beside them.

Finally, Shen Jue spoke, but asked an embarrassing question:

"Why are you so quiet?"

"Study." Zhou Zhi said concisely.

"..."

The two fell silent again.

"Have you ever received a love letter, the kind that is pink and fragrant?" Shen Zhuo likes to ask rubbish questions when he is extremely bored.

"Accepted." Zhou Zhi said.

"How many letters?"

"One letter." Zhou Zhiman didn't care.

"I have received a lot." Shen Zhuo was extremely proud.

... Isn't this nonsense? !Zhou Zhi complained that he looked like him and was good at talking, so it was strange that few girls liked it.

It happened that there was a wind blowing over this incident, lifting Shen Zhuo's sweat-drenched bangs drooping in front of his forehead, Zhou Zhi happened to catch a glimpse and found that the boy's eyes were very clear.

Like a shallow lake.

It's really pretty, Zhou Zhi thought to himself.But he no longer looked at him, but emptied his mind and looked at the green lawn in front of him. He didn't realize that Shen Jue was looking at him at this moment.

The sun shone on Zhou Zhi's face, highlighting his childish face, with clear and clear lines.Among his peers, Zhou Zhi is more mature in appearance and temperament.

Shen Jue thought to himself, maybe he doesn't know that he is handsome... When he was playing basketball just now, Shen Jue noticed that the focus of the little girls outside the court was all on Zhou Zhi, all of them had nympho eyes, and sighed in their mouths that they were so handsome. people.

"Alas..." Shen Jue sighed softly, a handsome man who doesn't know it, is too scary.

From then on, Shen Zhuo often pulled Zhou Zhi to play together. After a long time, everyone in the class knew that Zhou Zhi was really good at the game, so they joined them from time to time, and sometimes called Zhou Zhi out to play.

Zhou Zhi was not particularly happy at first, but after playing a few games, he found that he actually liked playing games and chatting with everyone, but the pressure he put on himself all the year round blocked all these in his emotions, thanks to Shen Discretion is liberated.

Gradually, Zhou Zhi has more friends, and he is very popular in the class.

Thinking of this, Zhou Zhi regretted that he didn't thank Shen Zhuo properly at that time. If it wasn't for him, his personality might still be as dull as before.

The relationship between the two really changed in one summer. After playing a game, the two went to rest under the shade of a tree each with a bottle of water as usual. chatting.

When the conversation ran out, Zhou Zhi drank some water, but Shen Jue didn't quickly find a topic to continue the conversation as before, but just sat in a daze.

Cicada kept barking, and the atmosphere became more and more embarrassing.It was rare for Zhou Zhi to notice something was wrong, and he thought about the topic for a long time awkwardly before opening his mouth cautiously.

"I remember you said a while ago that you have received many love letters, how come you didn't talk about a girlfriend like others?"

Shen Zhuo's eyes, which were staring blankly at the air, suddenly focused on a certain point, but he still pretended to be in a daze, with a careless look.

"I don't know either." After he finished speaking, he took a sip of water, and beads of sweat slipped into his collar while rolling his Adam's apple.

"Aren't they good-looking?" Zhou Zhi began to tie his shoelaces again.

"...That's not true. You see, I've collected dozens of letters, and there are always some good ones among them." Shen Zhuo's eyes wandered back and forth, but they still couldn't find Zhou Zhi.

"Then why?" Zhou Zhi changed a shoe and continued to tie it.

"I always feel... I'm not interested in girls." After speaking, Shen Jue stretched and lay down nonchalantly.

Zhou Zhi tied the shoelace in his hand, lowered his head and stared wide-eyed.After reacting, he touched the bottle and wanted to drink water, but found that the water had already been drunk.

Cicada's barking became louder and louder.Zhou Zhi suddenly felt very hot. In summer, the silent air seemed to be on fire, but it solidified faster.

"What, do you think it's strange?" After lying down, Shen Zhuo put his hands on his head, looked at half of the back of Zhou Zhi's head and half of his stiff side face, trying to keep his tone as natural as possible.

"……no."

"Then you still tied a knot?"

"..."

Zhou Zhizhi straightened his thoughts, then gritted his teeth and took a deep breath.Knowing how to shut up, the surroundings became quiet.

"I'm similar to you." Zhou Zhi said as calmly as possible.

"Don't lie." Although Shen Zhuo tried his best to restrain the trembling in his voice, Zhou Zhi could still hear it.He thought for a while and said:

"Do you ever feel weird that you are the only one in the world? Have you ever tried to like a girl but never succeeded? Do you try to live your life like everyone else but always resent yourself for being so different ?” It was rare to say so many words at one time, Zhou Zhi was a little out of breath, he didn’t dare to look back at Shen Zhuo, so he paused and said,

"Don't be silly, you are not unique."

The arms resting on his head were so numb that he lost consciousness, Shen Jue was still indifferent.He gritted his teeth tightly and stared at the sky, as if the next second, he would grind his teeth and stare through the sky.

Seeing that he didn't move, Zhou Zhi sighed and lay down too.

"You should know that there are so many people in the world, there will always be someone just like you. It's just that most of them behave like others, like what most people like, and do what most people do." Zhou Zhi said, Shen Zhuo finally moved, he lowered his arm, and then continued to stare at the sky stubbornly.

Zhou Zhi squeezed his fist, turned sideways with great difficulty, and looked at Shen Zhuo seriously.

He found that Shen Zhuo's eyes turned red at some point, his mouth was tightly pursed, his brows were tightly furrowed, his breathing was a little short, and his chest heaved and heaved.

Zhou Zhi opened his mouth in vain, but didn't say anything. He probably said more today than he said in the last half year.

The air froze again, and no matter how strong the wind was, it couldn't move it.

"...I'll go first." Zhou Zhi couldn't stay any longer, sat up with his hands propped up, and regretted that the friend he had made so hard was gone.

Just about to get up and leave, Shen Zhuo interrupted him.

"When did you know?" Zhou Zhi saw Shen Zhuo sitting up too, staring straight at himself, his brows were still frowning, and his eyes were extremely serious.

Zhou Zhi closed his eyes and thought for a while, then said,

"It was in elementary school. At that time, my deskmate was a girl. In the fifth and sixth grades, she confessed to me that she liked me, but I refused." Zhou Zhi paused,

"At that time, I only knew that people could fall in love, but I didn't know that most people fell in love with the opposite sex. I was too young, and when I found out that I was not interested in beautiful girls anyway, I knew It's different from others."

"Then I told her that I like boys." Speaking of this, Zhou Zhi gritted his teeth with a complicated expression.

"...Later, the whole class found out, they said that boys like boys, are gay, and are freaks." He forced a smile, extremely bitter.

"It was then that I realized that if I was different from others, I would be called a freak. Even if I was no different from ordinary people except for this point, I would be pointed at my nose and scolded." Since then, Zhou Zhi He doesn't like to talk anymore, he has developed a habit of not easily revealing his heart, and that time he revealed his heart, in exchange for a long time of ridicule and abuse.

After Zhou Zhi finished speaking, he stopped talking. He looked at the very blue sky and counted the white clouds, and didn't expect Shen Zhuo to say anything. It was he who voluntarily opened the scar. It still hurts.He suddenly felt very tired and didn't want to move anymore.

"I knew it a long time ago, and I forgot exactly when. But people like me can never stand being hated by others, so I always pretend to like beautiful girls like them, discuss school beauty with them, and like them just like them Female stars, make girls happy with them... It seems that if you insist on being like them, I will no longer be out of place." His voice was full of self-deprecating.

"But I know better than anyone else that it is impossible to get rid of this brand from birth to death. This society has never been fair." Shen Jue narrowed his eyes slightly, and the diluted confusion in the clear eyes was compressed, becoming The clearly visible feelings are tormenting him day after day, devouring his feelings.

"As long as people are born, they are all humans. Why do the majority always have the right to deny everything about the minority?" Zhou Zhi asked abruptly, as if he was pressing the creator and himself.

……

"Since you are born, let's live like this. At least now, you are not alone." Zhou Zhi's eyes became firm, he looked at Shen Zhuo, and told him.

This sentence is like a promise and an oath.

"I'm here with you." He smiled.

——It was as if a person was walking alone in a thick fog, and the darkness, the unknown, and the fear bit his will.He was careful every step of the way, for fear of falling and bumping himself, and getting himself covered in cuts and bruises if he was not careful.At this time, another person appeared beside him and walked side by side with him. Although the fog was still thick, the unknown was still unknown, but when he had company and faced the unknown in the dense fog, it was not so scary.Because he knew that there was at least one thing he could see clearly in the dense fog, and that was the person's heart.

"Okay." Shen Zhuo answered him.He started to laugh, it was a genuine smile from the heart, Zhou Zhi finally understood that the real smile had warm smiles flowing from the brows and the corners of the eyes.Silent, but enough to melt ice.Only then did he realize that no matter how happy Shen Zhuo was smiling in the past, there was a thin shadow cast over him. In the past, he even cared about laughing.

He found that his heartbeat became very fast, which was different from the beating after strenuous exercise. At this time, the heart seemed to be injected with brand new blood, like a machine that had not been restarted for a long time, with rusty parts rubbing against each other, and dust accumulated for a long time fell. Although there is some sour pain, it is more like a new life.

When he realized it, he was already very close to Shen Zhuo.That kind of inexplicable desire drove him, and this kind of jerky and burning desire made him run towards that person irresistibly, as decisively as a moth to a flame.

When the tips of his noses were about to touch each other, Zhou Zhi reined in his horse and stopped abruptly.Shen Zhuo looked at him steadfastly, something was burning in his eyes, crackling.

A few seconds later, Shen Zhuo came over directly.

……

His thoughts stopped, and Zhou Zhi once again looked at the sleeping person next to him. He felt that there was not enough time anyway.Five months, how do these five months compare with the seven years they spent in the past?How can it take five months to repay a 15-year debt?

He gently ran his fingers through Shen Dian's hair and kneaded it.

The eyes are sad and old.