sun, fall

"Shao Yuan!" Dad's voice brought me back to my senses, "Are you telling the truth, is Chu Ling right? Could it be that you are really insane, psychopathic, and mentally abnormal, and you voluntarily let Chu Ling On your chest, stab his name one needle after another, and volunteer to be his slave for the rest of your life, right?"

I glanced at my father, his eyes were like two sharp knives piercing my heart.That look clearly told me sternly:

"Shao Yuan! This is your last chance. You have to think about it yourself-you choose yourself! Do you choose to listen to me and continue to be an enviable top student, or choose to be with Chu Ling and let the world grow up together? I have ruined my reputation and become a lunatic, pervert, or psychopath who is poked at the back by everyone?!"

I froze.Next to my ears, my father's cold voice came again: "Shao Yuan! You went out to play on Sunday, and you met Chu Ling in a remote place. He said a lot of disgusting and perverted things to you. You don't agree. , he turned against you on the spot, robbed you of your money, beat you, dragged you to the toilet, and tattooed that word on your chest! Say it yourself, yes, or not?"

I looked at my father for more than a dozen seconds. I saw my father's eyes filled with muddy tears, but his eyes that were staring at me became more and more severe, and made me dare not look directly...

"Um...yes, it's him...it's like this..." I finally nodded, and at the same time, I felt a sudden blackness in front of my eyes and my legs went limp.Just when I was about to fall down, my father's hands held me tightly in his arms...

After that, I was sent home to recuperate.On the same day, Chu Ling was expelled from school. It is said that when he left the director's office, he was almost "hysterical". Contrary to his normal state of being full of reason and self-confidence, he jumped and scolded himself as an idiot, and said that he was in this life. , no longer believe in the so-called love...

A few days later, I transferred to another school. I heard from my father that Director Li had done a lot for this, and she thought that just doing this would save the school from being sued and claim compensation, and also get myself out of trouble completely. Good deal. "That Dean of Academic Affairs surnamed Li is not a good teacher either!" This was the only comment my father would have on Director Li in the future.

Later, in another high school I transferred to, I became one of the top students in the school.In the first month of entering the new school, I divided my handsome star magazines into several batches, and quietly threw them away or sold the scrap.

As for the "L" on my chest, on the first weekend after I transferred to another school, my father took me to a tattoo parlor with a good grade and asked the master to clean it off for me.While cleaning the tattoo, electric sparks slapped my chest, accompanied by an indescribable sting.I clutched the bed sheet between the tattoos tightly with both hands, how many times I couldn't help screaming out, or crying "Wow--", but as long as I glanced at my father not far away from the corner of my eye, the picture With an expressionless ashen face, I no longer dare to make a sound.I feel that I fucking deserve it, and I deserve it, and now I don't even have the right to cry...

My youth has come to an end.

………………

At this moment, I am sitting alone under the lamp, and I am writing a work report.In the past few years, the situation has been extremely severe, and various tasks related to public opinion have become more and more heavy, and the pressure has increased year by year.But I have no way out, apart from this stable job, I don't even know what else I will do.

The more I think about the past, the more disturbed I am.Before the meeting in the afternoon, the news about Chu Ling in that old newspaper, every word in it, came to my mind countless times.This is the second time I got news from Chu Ling after 12 years:

News from our newspaper (Reporter Lu ××) Chu Ling, the perpetrator of the "2.14" mass murder case, was found to be in the early morning of this morning and taken to the execution ground. He ended his sinful life by injecting drugs.Chu Ling was expelled from school for misbehavior in high school.Since then, his life has become more and more down and out because he doesn't want to make progress.On the evening of this year's "2.14" Valentine's Day, after drinking heavily, Chu Ling had a quarrel with her neighbor, Chen, and stabbed Chen in the abdomen with a controlled knife, causing Chen to die.When Chu committed the crime, Chen's wife and 13-year-old daughter rushed over after hearing the news, and they were all killed on the spot by the frenzied Chu Ling.Criminal Chu was arrested immediately and confessed to his crime.He claimed that Chen has been discriminating against him for a long time and has spread rumors about him many times.He showed no remorse in court, and openly stated: "Chen deserved to die a long time ago. As for Chen's wife and children, who made them a family? Killing one is enough money, killing two makes one!"

.........

"Who made them a family? Killing one is enough money, killing two is enough to earn one"—such words, unexpectedly came from Chu Ling's mouth!

I closed my eyes, on the newspaper, the last photo of Chu Ling in this life kept appearing in my mind: that face was still as handsome as sunshine...

Chu Ling, why did you do such a thing? !Is discrimination enough to kill a person's whole family, even a 13-year-old girl? !

I tried to "understand" Chu Ling's inner world.I thought of this scene in the past: when I accidentally broke Chu Ling's high-end CD player, he, who was obviously not rich at all, kicked the broken CD player away pretending to be chic... If it wasn't for Seeing his family's situation with his own eyes, it is impossible for anyone to believe that he is the son of a poor peddler.Even though her family is poor, she deliberately dresses herself up very brightly. Perhaps, deep in Chu Ling's heart, she has a strong sense of vanity.In general, vanity is not necessarily bad, because it is almost an inevitable product of loving life.However, under certain adversity, vanity can also make people feel inferior, leading to psychological distortion.

——But, Chu Ling, Chu Ling!Violence, cruelty, especially the practice of venting anger on innocent others, isn't that what you hated the most at the beginning? !

I suddenly stood up and looked at myself in the mirror. The 31-year-old me, Shao Yuan, has not changed much in appearance compared to my high school days.In the work unit, everyone said that I was too handsome and looked like I was in my early 20s... However, my mental age was already over 40 when I first entered college.

Some past events are enough to change a person too much, too much...

I thought of my father again.Once upon a time, I was full of awe of my father, and I felt that all the secrets deep in my heart were seen through by my father at a glance.However, my father never mentioned my "homosexuality" after I transferred from high school. Even my mother always thought that I was being bullied by Chu Ling. She scolded my father countless times and asked him why he didn't sue the school. Dad just smoked silently... At that moment, I didn't know what kind of feelings I had for Dad—whether it was fear, hatred, gratitude, or sympathy.

Dad's career as a lawyer reached its peak in the next few years, and he met many rich and powerful people. The reason why I can have my current job is largely due to my father's connections.However, in the second month after I became a regular worker, my father suffered a cerebral hemorrhage and died.I looked at his remains in the photo frame. He was just 52 years old, and his hair was already gray...

I clenched my fists suddenly.Stop thinking about it!I have struggled to this point, there is no way out, only to keep going!I hurried back to the desk and opened the relevant files on the computer.I also thought that I had decided to propose to Director Lai's daughter. This was my father's last wish and the most crucial step in my career development.However, I know that I have always had no "sexual interest" in women - no matter how I pretend, the real me has always been a homosexual, admiring sunny and handsome boys.Although, today, I have long since lost the courage and qualifications to show love to any homosexual.

——In the near future, after Director Lai's daughter and I get married, who will bring true happiness to whom?Thinking of this, this picture suddenly appeared in my mind: After a few years, I will climb to a higher position through the nepotism of the Lai family; Daughter—becoming colder and colder.Perhaps, I will find many, many young, handsome, and sunny moneyboys to chat with to fill the void in my heart...

Young, handsome, full of sunshine... Isn't this exactly the Chu Ling in my memory?It suddenly occurred to me that Chu Ling was executed by injecting drugs.My heart suddenly trembled violently again.Perhaps, for most prisoners on death row, injecting poison is more humane. However, for Chu Ling who is particularly afraid of injections, I dare not think about the last moment of his life.

"Chu Ling, does that needle hurt you?" I murmured subconsciously.In my ears, it seems that what Chu Ling once said to me came again, like the sound of heaven:

——"I have always believed that the most evil way in the world is to vent one's resentment on innocent people and hurt innocent people."

—— "My last bottom line is: the grievance has its head, and the debt has its owner. Don't take your anger out on those innocent people who have no grievances or enmities with you."

I have no tears.

Looking around, outside the window, the darkness of the night...

(End of the article)