sun, fall

Today, more than a dozen springs and autumns have passed since my love with Chu Ling.

The memory of the past has already become a faded yellow flower of tomorrow, looking back again, it seems like a lifetime away.However, deep in my heart, I am still trembling, like an old wound that will never heal, even if I leave it behind and pretend that it does not exist, but as long as I press it lightly, I will immediately feel the lingering memory. new pain...

Six years ago, I graduated from university and became a civil servant. After that, through my father's friendship, I joined an organization in charge of culture and public opinion.Over the years, I have been earning my living by censoring publicly published texts, discovering some content (including "dew point" photos and videos, and slang novels containing pornographic descriptions) in a timely manner, and strictly banning them.

Whenever I was asked about the specific job content in class reunions and during New Years and holidays, I would prevaricate in a vague way, or pretend to be a "leader's secretary" or something like that.

However, no matter how you say it, in an official country where "students who are good at learning are officials", what I am engaged in is, after all, a very respectable profession.I have become addicted to this kind of "decency", and the corresponding high welfare.

Due to the work of "anti-pornography and anti-illegal activities", I have read a lot of sexual content, and countless websites and IDs have been blocked.Better to be in vain than to indulge is necessary to keep one's job.But I have no "sexual interest" at all in the content of the love between men and women.

——Perhaps, what I really need in this life is a boy like Chu Ling.But Chu Ling has already left me, no, it was me who chose to betray him and abandon him...

I often think back to that Sunday many years ago, when Chu Ling and I took a shower, it was already 01:30 in the afternoon.The "L" on my chest that was just pierced by Chu Ling lightly touched it, and it didn't feel much pain anymore. However, I suddenly felt a little stuffy in my throat, and after a while, my throat started to hurt.

After checking out, I took a taxi home alone, my parents asked me what I was doing, I made up some nonsense, and didn't eat much for dinner.

That night, I developed a high fever—now that I think about it, it is likely that I was soaked in the shower, but stayed outside the bathroom for a long time naked—my parents took me to the hospital, and when they took my temperature , On the skin of my left chest, the dark blue "L" was discovered by my father...

In the next two days, I was on sick leave at home, and my father was sullen, called the teacher several times, and went to my school twice.However, Dad must have never told Mom; anyway, Mom has never mentioned it to me.

By Tuesday, I was basically fine, at least the fever was gone.That evening, my mother went out to rub hemp. According to her usual practice, she would not come back until at least 09:30 in the evening.After dinner before six o'clock, my father told me not to go out, but to clean all the dishes and chopsticks after the meal.My mother went out and walked away, and my father suddenly turned pale and called me to him.

"Shao Yuan, you are almost 17 years old, you should understand the right and wrong of your behavior!" Dad's tone suddenly became strict, "Sit down! Look into my eyes and talk! You, and Is that Chu Ling - gay?!"

Chu Ling... gay!These two words immediately shocked me. "No...it's not..." I was completely speechless to justify, and I could only use negation to make the most pale prevarication.

"Isn't it with Chu Ling? Then who is the letter L on your body referring to? Two boys hooking up together, if this isn't homosexuality, what is it?" Dad's tone was surprisingly calm, but He was looking so hard at me that he almost spewed fire.

"I... I... That's it, and Chu Ling... Chu Ling is a classmate in the third year of high school, he can help me with my studies... Also, the 'tattoo' on my body... It's nothing, I just feel... It’s fun, I got it at a stall outside. It’s not very new for young people nowadays to get a tattoo, and it can even be said that it’s very common..."

A loud slap across the face slapped me hard. "Don't be shameless!" Dad suddenly became furious, grabbed my schoolbag, took out a homework book from it, and was about to tear it up, "I don't fucking have you, a prodigal son! A shameful thing, until now Don't tell me the truth! You fucking stop reading, the more you read, the more fucking jerk you are! Think you're good at studying, don't you? Let me tell you, just like you are, a gay, more than The hooligans are even more contemptible. Even if you get a master’s degree or a doctor’s degree, you will be regarded as a pervert, a lunatic, and an unreasonable scum! Tell yourself, if everyone knows that Shao Yuan is gay, the neighbors around you will What do you think of you? Even if you are shameless yourself, where should you put the two old faces of me and your mother?..."

The more my father talked, the more excited he became. Fortunately, he didn't really tear up my homework.But my inner defenses were completely broken.I cried with a "wow--": "Dad! I... I was wrong, I will never do this again, I will never do this again..."

"You said yourself, you are no longer like that?" Dad asked me word by word. "I, I, never..."

"Don't tell me what to say. If you have something to say, think it over before you say it. Also, if what you say now doesn't count, any consequences in the future will be your own responsibility-I won't care about you anymore !” Dad stared at me sternly.

"I... I will never do that kind of thing with Chu Ling again, and I will never do that kind of thing on myself again..."

After I finished speaking, Dad bit his lip and stared at me for a long time with a gloomy face.Suddenly, he took out a cigarette, lit it, took a deep breath, and then asked me: "To be honest, do you love Chu Ling?"

"No... I, no longer..." I hurriedly "admitted" to my father.

Dad snorted suddenly: "You still love him, and you still like to flirt with men and do such shameless things, don't you?"

I suddenly felt very angry: "Even if I love boys, love Chuling, what's the matter? What does it matter to others? Why do we say that we are shameless if we do this? Why can't we fall in love with other men as men?  … ..." Before I finished speaking, I had already burst into tears and couldn't make a sound.

"Shut up!" Dad was furious, and slapped the table, "Shao Yuan! You, you are determined to be shameless, aren't you? Let me tell you, you are a psychopath, a sexual pervert , is even more contemptible than hooligans! Aren’t you afraid of AIDS? Let me tell you the truth, if you get AIDS, I will kick you out of the house. You are rotten and attract flies. No one can save you. The whole world It’s a terminal illness! At that time, you don’t want to stay in the smelly place at home, and die as soon as possible! Let me tell you, nine out of ten homosexuals will get AIDS sooner or later. If you read the newspaper, experts in the United States have already Say, this is divine punishment and retribution! Because you have violated the laws of nature! What are the laws of nature, do you understand? For example, just like the current climate, why is it getting warmer? Why is there a greenhouse effect? ​​Because human development violates the laws of nature. Why does any slightly civilized country advocate environmental protection and green ecology? In the final analysis, people must conform to nature and cannot go against the laws of nature. Men messing around with men is violating the laws of nature. It's just a smelly and shameless pervert!"

Dad's tone was very harsh at the beginning, which made my spine break out in cold sweat, and then became more and more relaxed: "Shao Yuan, think about it for yourself, is this the truth? Many things are not caused by your head getting hot, what do you think?" You can do whatever you want. People, at the very least, must be able to control themselves, otherwise, they are no different from animals. Even animals, they still have human nature. A son does not think his mother is ugly, and a dog does not think his family is poor, right? Shao Yuan, you are only 17 years old, and you are still a student. The task of a student is to study, and everything else is crooked.

"To tell you the truth, your mother and I both manage you loose enough. You go out for a whole day on weekends. If you say to study, a fool won't believe it! But, have I ever stopped you? I always feel that you have When I grow up, I should be able to take care of myself. Even if you fall in love with a girl, as long as you keep it within a certain limit, I can pretend not to see it and not interfere with your freedom. If this was when I was a child? Going to school to fall in love? Working at home I can’t finish it! How can I have that free time? I play outside all day on weekends, and even lie to my parents, saying that I went to review with my classmates? ——If I was like this when I was young, your grandpa would have to break my legs! It’s me who is the father Are you unenlightened, too rigid in your mind? Go and ask, in the whole of China, how many parents are willing to work hard to raise their sons, and finally become gay, be looked down upon everywhere, and get sick again?! Like Isn’t the United States open enough? Isn’t homosexuality also discriminated against? Why do many homosexuals in Europe and the United States clamor for human rights all day long? Because they are not treated as normal people by society at all, and they have to fight for what they lack. This is the truth Don’t you understand? In China, is it possible for a homosexual to take to the streets to fight for human rights? If you dare to do this, you will be arrested immediately, sentenced to any crime, and you may be imprisoned for three to five years!”

"Dad, actually, I didn't...not much with Chu Ling. At that time...at that time—I don't know what I thought..." I muttered, my heart had already begun to shake.Subconsciously touched the left chest, it still seemed to be a little dull pain.I even complained secretly to Chu Ling: At that time, why did you do what I said?Why don't you reject me, don't stop me? !

Dad let out a long sigh, and I saw a cloudy tear seeping from the corner of one of his eyes—that face seemed to have aged a lot at once.

"Dad, I was wrong! I promise you, I will never be with Chu Ling again!"

"Shao Yuan, tell yourself, how can I help you end now?! If your mother knew about this, she would be mad. To be honest, I have already vaguely felt that something is wrong with you. Look at your own In the house, those star magazines, girls love to read these things! As a boy, don’t you feel ashamed to read such things that girls only read all day long? When you buy these things, the owner of the bookstore uses You have never noticed what kind of eyes are looking at you, have you? The tattoo on your chest was tattooed by Chu Ling for you, right? "

I nodded: "Well, he stabbed it."

Dad snorted: "If you say you stabbed it yourself, I'll give you a pin right away, and let you prick another word on yourself!"

I shivered suddenly and stared blankly at my father.

"If you don't say you agree, even if Chuling has the guts, she wouldn't dare to tattoo on you, and even tattooed her own name! Shao Yuan, Shao Yuan, what do I say to you? You are so confused Poor! You feel very comfortable and happy when you let others ravage you like this, don’t you? Are you not afraid of pain? Or, the more pain you feel, the better you feel?! Do you know what it’s called? Masochist! The more others abuse you, the more they treat you as a human being, the more they abuse you, the happier you are—tell yourself, what the hell are you?!"

As Dad said, he bowed left and right with both hands, and slapped me twice heavily.Immediately, my cheeks on both sides were hot, stars burst out in front of my eyes, and my ears were buzzing.

"I don't have a shameless son like you!" Dad grabbed me by the neck, dragged me to the bed, picked up a shoe, and beat my ass with the sole of the shoe, "You Don’t you like being abused? The more it hurts, the better you feel, don’t you? I’ll beat you to death right now, bastard, and then I’ll jump off the stairs too, and die together!”

"Dad—I...I was wrong!" I cried out loudly with a "Wow——".Maybe it was the pain I couldn't bear to be beaten, maybe it was my father's attitude that made me feel a strong fear.Or my crying is simply an expression similar to begging for mercy. I know that the only way to beg for mercy is to do so, and it is also my only way out...

Dad finally stopped—from that moment on, my soul that once had signs of "rebellion" was completely removed from the "rebellion" of my spine, and I fell to my knees limply.