[Bungo Stray Dogs] Ask: Shall we die in love together?

Is the me you see the real me?

I often think about the meaning of life.

The people I see and the things I hear have a theme and a center.

Or great, or small.

Atsushi Nakajima and the others are still fighting for Yokohama and for everyone.

Osamu Dazai also found a goal, which became the meaning of his existence.

I pretended to be funny, pretended to be happy, and bickered with Osamu Dazai every day, and everyone thought I was happy and humorous.

I opened up my true self to be sad and depressed, but even I felt that I was hypocritical.

I can't find the meaning of my existence.

I keep communicating with people, and constantly find faults and make troubles, as if I can prove that I exist in this world.

Atsushi Nakajima once wanted to prove the meaning of his existence, so he turned saving everyone into the reason for his existence.

In order to find the meaning of life, Osamu Dazai listened to Oda Saku's words and became a good person.

But I still can't find my reason.

I used to think Osamu Dazai was a strange and complicated person, after all, he was a person who could commit suicide in front of his friend Oda Saku.

I don't know if I understand him or not, sometimes it's really complicated when I think about his feelings.

Also just a kid.

No matter how dark it is, it's just fine.

I always think that Oda Saku is more like Dazai Osamu's life mentor.

Perhaps Dazai Osamu wanted to die, and Oda Saku must have a lot of weight in his heart, but it was not enough to make him give up the idea of ​​suicide.

It's also quite possible that he never expected Odasaku to die before him.

His heart is full of his own pain and loneliness, ignoring Oda Tsukuru outside.

However, the unexpected blow of Oda Saku's death made Osamu Dazai, who was immersed in his own world, wake up.

Like a big bell, it rang loudly, waking up those who were pretending to be asleep.

Only then did I look back and see clearly the 18 years I had been muddled and unintelligible.

But the dead are gone.

Because of this, Osamu Dazai has changed a lot. He has never left the loneliness and despair, but he will no longer be blindly immersed in his own world. He will see many other things, but it is a pity that there will be no more Oda work.

There won't be another one.

I feel like Osamu Dazai from before, I am immersed in my world, deaf to everything outside, even if someone lends a helping hand, they cannot pull me out of the world I am immersed in.

Maybe I'm worse than him.

At least Osamu Dazai still has Oda Saku who he cares about.

But I don't even care about anyone.

The daily troubles and rolling are as regular as a routine, once a day, and never absent.

I want to find someone and compulsively care about him, so that I am a person who also cares.

But I found that I simply can't do it.

No, not one.

I once said that Osamu Dazai was my half friend, but it was just a lie. I just wanted to reflect my existence by changing the future.

I also exist in this world.

No, not at all.

I hold the future, but also fear the future.

There will never be me in the future world.

I deceived myself, blinded my eyes to see the world, the smile on my face was always so vibrant, and I didn't know what it was like to rot inside.

Osamu Dazai is right, I am a liar, a big liar, a liar who deceives himself.

I always feel that it is better not to understand so much in life, because if you understand too much, you will be very cold.

I can't find the meaning of life, and I can't force myself to set a meaning of life. I can't have someone who cares. It's like walking into a maze I drew for myself, stuck in a dead end.

Death is not the end, but the beginning.

Perhaps one day, I will be able to live in this world in another form.

There are goals, people you care about, and the meaning of life.

The author has something to say:

A little episode in the middle of the night