Feeding equation

Chest hurts.Heart hurts too.

I've never felt like this before.It's like a fish sinking in the turbulent reality, a fish that can only breathe with its lungs and is on the verge of death.The suffocating air around me surrounded me, and I had a lot of free space, but there was no hope of life.I don't know how long I can live, and I don't know how close death is.Accompanied only by loneliness and loneliness, the little resentment towards water in my heart is emptied.

In fact, I was so small that it was pathetic.Participating in other people's lives, but can only be a passerby in the ending.Or maybe I am not a passerby at all, just because of my existence, I met the wrong time.

I don't know what kind of attitude I used to call Wu Si.All I knew was that the call was being connected soon, and I heard his voice, condescending as before.

"Do you know how many times I've called you? Where have you been recently? Why have you been shutting down?!" His sharp tone was the same as before, as if he had never been satisfied with me.

In fact, that's right, I'm not a good person, but also the son of a traitor, the son of an enemy who killed his mother, he didn't like me very much, there was nothing wrong with me from the beginning.

He should hate me.It's just that I didn't expect that he would care about my disappearance.This is somewhat beyond my expectation.

But to be honest, it's not like I didn't have any fantasies about Samurai.Maybe it's because the two of us have slept together, his attitude towards me sometimes gives me the illusion that he actually likes me.Although this feeling is very weak, very small, and even blown away by the wind.But the feeling of being liked by others still makes my heart full of throbbing.

I used to be troubled by how I felt.I'm not gay, and I usually don't have any other thoughts about men, but ever since I met Wu Si, the subtle ambiguity between us has repeatedly made me fall into panic.

Although, I don't love him, and sometimes I hate him very much, but there is a voice in my heart that repeatedly clamors that I don't hate the fact that he touched him.

Yes, I am not disgusted.Wu Si is a very special existence deep in my heart, this... I have begun to admit it slowly.

only……

"Hua Lin... she's in the central building..." I said.After being silent for a long while, he opened his mouth straight to the point and went straight to the point.

"She's waiting for you." I heard my voice trembling.My heart is so sad at this moment, I feel that Wu Si lied to Hua Lin and me.If this is his revenge for the previous generation, it would be too costly.

Wu Si on the other end of the phone didn't seem to think that I would talk about Hua Lin as soon as I came up, and he was stunned for a while before continuing.

"I'm not going!" he said.Words without emotion, just like how he feels.I don't know what he thinks, his lover is going to jump off the building with their child in his arms, but he just ignores it and doesn't care about it.

"If you don't go, she will die!" I shouted hoarsely, even my voice was hoarse.

It's not that I haven't seen Wu Si's cold blood before.But for Hua Lin, she is my weakness.

The rain outside the window was rushing down, making a dull sound on the windowpane.Under the dim light, I saw that my shadow was stretched so long.It's just that the shadow fell on the coffee table in the living room, and the dark shadow separated by the coffee table was somewhat distorted.

I suddenly had a feeling that Hua Lin, Wu Si, me, and the three of us were staging a cheating scene.Hua Lin seems to have become a mistress who forcefully destroys other people's families, and my wife, the principal wife, is arguing with her husband: But she has your child!

Thinking about it, I feel extremely ironic.On one side is my ex-girlfriend, and on the other side is the man I slept with.But now, there is a child between these two people.

So now, what am I... what? !

Yes, what am I?

With a wry smile and raised the corners of his mouth, his heart felt a sharp pain.

"Is that child... is yours?" Finally, he asked the words hovering in his heart according to his heart.In this autumn rainy night, I feel that all languages ​​lose all their warmth just like the weather.

Once autumn is over, it will be winter, right?

Wu Si didn't speak, maybe he didn't know what to say.In the long silence, only each other's breath lingered with the rapidly descending atmosphere around them.In the frozen time, I heard my heart beating, thumping, it seemed that it once beat for a man of the same gender as me.Although it was only for such a short moment, but unfortunately, that person will never be worth it.

I don't love him, I hate him.

Without waiting for his answer, I smiled and hung up the phone.There is a sense of relief in my heart, just like the road that suddenly becomes clear after being blocked by rocks.I have never felt my heart so clearly at this moment.Maybe from the beginning, we should kill each other from the beginning to the end.If the relationship is really so single, then how can I experience a shitty feeling called "betrayal" now? !

And Wu Si may be the same as me.He hates me, I hate him, and that's how we ended up.As for those fragmentary sparks of ambiguity in the process, maybe from the beginning, it was just my unilateral illusion.

Wu Si, why are you treating me like this?

Wu Si, why are you treating me like this!

……

The rain outside the window is getting heavier and heavier.As if the sky was having a temper tantrum, from the pattering rain to the current pouring rain, it seemed to be crying in the blink of an eye.

I don't like rain, the feeling of being wet and sticky, combined with the inexplicable sense of loss of people in rainy days, is really as bad as it gets.

Sitting at the dining table with a light on, the already cold box lunch is so cold in the mouth that it is hard to distinguish the specific taste.The stomach is very hungry, but the heart is full.I have never been a person entangled in contradictions, but today I am full of contradictions like I have been insane.

I took out a cigarette from the cigarette box on the table and lit it, and when the thick smoke filled the air, I thought of my former self.I am awkward and conceited, and I have never been a docile person.Maybe he will compromise because of some things, but deep down in his heart, he always thinks about revenge and revenge.That kind of self is hateful, but at the same time full of vigorous vitality.The character of not admitting defeat, not admitting defeat, and daring to sing against everything, that is the real and complete me.But now, I seem to be old...

Leaning on the chair behind him with a wry smile, the thin clothes on his body were not enough to resist the coldness in his heart.Maybe it's because of smoking, there is a bit of dry bitterness in his mouth.

I pursed my lips and turned to look at the pouring rain outside the window.The rainwater seeping in from the unclosed windows meandered into a thin river on the wooden floor underfoot.In the fish tank on the window sill, those red goldfish seem to be disturbed by the rain, swimming in a mess and without rules.The messy pace is like my heart.

My mind is in a mess, never has it been this messy for a while.In this cold night, for the first time in my life, I felt betrayed by the whole world.

I think I should hate this world, but when hatred wells up in my heart, I feel that my hatred is too powerless.

Reaching out to pick up the mobile phone placed by the dining table, the battery is not fully charged, making the screen appear dim.But the power was enough, and I subconsciously made a call.

"Hey, Mr. Hai, are you looking for Miss Hai? She has already fallen asleep." The voice of Anna, Hai Qian's nurse, came from the other end of the phone.

I don't know why I want to call Hessie at this moment.The gradually cooling temperature in my heart told me that I seemed to need a feeling to unfreeze my gradually frozen heart.And at this moment, the only thing I can think of is Hai Qian, who is connected with my blood.my little sister.my twin sister.

"Wake her up, I have something to tell her." I said calmly.My request made Anna on the other end of the phone stunned for a few seconds, until I repeated the words to the side, and Anna on the other end reluctantly answered yes.

"Miss Hai might be angry about getting up, you..."

"She's my sister, you don't need to say more about that!" I interrupted Anna angrily.I don't know what's wrong with me, I just feel that there seems to be a big gap in my heart that needs to be filled.I want to shout, I want to declare to the whole world that even if the whole world betrays me, I still have my own sister.

Maybe, I was insecure from beginning to end.It's just because I'm a man and I don't want to admit it.

Sure enough, when Hessian received the call, she was agitated and distraught.

I am an irresponsible elder brother, knowing that my sister has a mental illness, but I insist on disturbing her sleep.

"Hai Qian, do you want to leave?" I ignored Hai Xi's unreasonable cries, and whispered to her.

"Sister, can my brother take you away..." After saying this, I cried, and I really didn't know why I was crying.I didn't cry when I found out that Hua Lin gave birth to Wu Si's child, but now I shed tears in pain.

For men, tears are always a sign of cowardice.I may not be a strong person, on the contrary, I am really useless.From people to things, engaged in everything.

I hung up the phone and lay down on the dining table, weeping for a while, until my eyes were hot and swollen, and I slowly stopped sobbing.All these years, since I was a teenager, it seems that I have never cried so heartily and seriously.

"It's so damn happy!" I roared loudly in my heart.He took the lighter and lit a cigarette again, inhaling the tobacco breath into his lungs.And at this moment, there was a sudden knock on the door...

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