Horse riding in the snow

07

Dai Xu finally fell asleep in Luo Shengchao's arms.

The physical pain and mental breakdown that erupted the day before were too intense, and the short waking up consumed the little physical strength he had accumulated after being in a coma for several hours. Luo Shengchao just surrounded him like that, carefully avoiding a safe distance, and warm palms on him. Covering his abdomen, he patted it from time to time, as if coaxing a child.

And the child lay obediently, his tense and tense body gradually softened, and was wrapped in warmth and fell into a deep sleep.

Not long after Dai Xu fell asleep, Guan Chi brought Dai Xu's psychiatrist outside the ward. Seeing the two cuddling together on the bed from the window, he couldn't bear to be disturbed, so he sent a message to Luo Shengchao.

The slight vibration brought Luo Shengchao back to his sanity, he carefully moved off the hospital bed, and tiptoedly opened the door and walked towards the two of them.

"Doctor Guan."

Guan Chi responded with a smile.He was wearing a white coat, he looked like he hadn't slept well, his eyes were black and blue, and he had a leather coat that obviously didn't belong to him on his arm.

The person next to him was wearing a flaxen turtleneck sweater, and he smiled nicely when he saw Luo Shengchao.

Guan Chi introduced to him: "This is Dai Shao's psychiatrist, Xie Zihui."

Luo Shengchao hadn't had a good rest for too long, and his mind was numb. Seeing this young and fair psychiatrist, he was taken aback for a long time before returning a smile: "Thank you, doctor."

Xie Zi replied, "Mr. Luo, don't be nervous."

Only then did Luo Shengchao realize that he was so nervous that his hands were trembling with cold.He had known about Dai Xu's physical condition a long time ago, but it was the first time he had known Dai Xu's psychological condition. He was too afraid of hearing some irreversible conclusions from this doctor.

Luo Shengchao nodded, and couldn't help feeling a little embarrassed when he heard his teeth clinking.Xie Zihui was used to the appearance of the patient's family members, his face remained unchanged, he glanced into the ward, and asked, "Mr. Dai is asleep?"

"He fell asleep." Luo Shengchao remembered the scene just now, and the soreness in his chest was smoldering and could not be dispelled, "Finally fell asleep... When he woke up in the morning, he was in good condition. I bought him a bowl of porridge. He used to have a stomachache. Forget it, maybe the IV drip made my stomach feel uncomfortable and a little nauseous, and I vomited after drinking it, I told him it was okay and he kept forcing himself to drink, maybe he fell asleep because he had no strength."

Xie Zihui frowned slightly when he heard the words, and sighed in a low voice, "It's already so serious", Luo Shengchao's heart trembled, and seeing Guan Chi's expression was equally heavy.

Luo Shengchao was stunned by the expressions of the two doctors, and his eyes widened subconsciously: "Doctor Xie... what do you mean?"

Xie Zi turned his head and looked at Guan Chi, and after getting the affirmation from the latter's eyes, he led Luo Shengchao to the lounge where he stayed last night.There was a frightening silence in the lounge. Luo Shengchao supported the chaotic spirit, breaking up and crushing the amount of information that had increased suddenly throughout the day and night, chewing and swallowing it.

Xie Zihui said: "After Mr. Dai was hospitalized, Mr. Dai interrupted his treatment for a period of time because he was too busy, but before he returned to China, he took the initiative to find me and asked me how to reduce the number of times he fell ill. When he was abroad He has already suffered from severe depression, and when he is sick, the somatic pain is more serious, and he can't respond to the outside world, he is afraid that you will feel uncomfortable, so he asked me for suppressive drugs."

"Antidepressants will reduce his appetite, but he himself has some symptoms of anorexia, and Mr. Dai has a serious tendency to self-destruct. I dare not give him the medicine, so I gave it to Dr. Guan... But at present It seems that the diagnosis and treatment plan may need to be changed again.”

Luo Shengchao was almost getting used to the pain of heartbreak, he murmured: "He...severely depressed, anorexia? I thought he had a bad stomach."

Xie Zi nodded back, looked at Luo Shengchao with a little pity in his eyes, and pushed the paper towards him without a trace: "Mr. Luo, I listen to what you mean...he can't eat at all now Is that right?" Seeing that Luo Shengchao didn't speak, he knew that this was his acquiescence, so he bit the tip of his tongue lightly, "The situation is worse than when he was abroad. He used to spit out what he ate from time to time. Dr. Guan said Dai The general stomach is very fragile, and there should be some physiological reasons for anorexia."

"But the situation of being unable to eat like now... should be caused by the expansion of psychological problems."

Luo Shengchao curled his fingers, not caring about wiping the tears on his face, and his tone became more and more anxious: "Then what should he do if he can't eat like this? He is...he is so thin, how can he hold on without eating?"

Xie Zihui showed a helpless expression, and said as tactfully as possible: "If you really can't eat at all, you can also consider parenteral nutrition for a period of time, but this is definitely not a long-term solution."

Luo Shengchao choked, thinking that one day in the future Dai Xu might have to rely on nutrient solution to barely sustain his life, and couldn't help rolling over with trembling.He raised his eyes and looked at Xie Zihui with a heart-wrenching pleading look: "Can his condition be treated?"

He was too afraid that Xie Zihui would shake his head at him and tell him that the warm and true lover three years ago had been turned into powder and disappeared completely, as if he had been declared dead and there was no possibility of him getting back. Fortunately, Dr. Xie did not Instead of making such a cruel judgment, he turned his head and asked, "Can I ask you a question?"

"If you want to receive treatment later, your attitude is actually very important. Mr. Dai feels very guilty towards you, and he can't forgive what he did to you. What about you? Mr. Luo, have you forgiven him?"

Luo Shengchao was taken aback when he heard the words, his eyes were dazed, and he nodded firmly after a while.

"I already know the truth of what happened back then. In fact, I originally..." He smiled wryly, "Maybe I couldn't let him go. Now that I know this, how can I blame him for what he has become like this."

"I still love him, even though he doesn't believe me...I don't know how to express my heart so that he can accept him, and he rejects me very much now."

"Although he listens to me very much, I can feel that he doesn't want to get close to me, let alone rely on me... In fact, I am the same. In the past three years, I have thrown away everything about him at home, and the information about him on the Internet I didn't even watch it, and I once told myself that I should hate him, I should hate him, otherwise I wouldn't..."

When Luo Shengchao said this, the tip of his nose became sore, and he thought of Dai Xu's blood-stained hands holding a pile of ceramic shards, and his throat choked up.

"Otherwise, we wouldn't smash our two remaining memorials in front of him."

This time even the plate of Guan Chi's face became a little ugly, he frowned, and asked in a low voice: "I want to ask, is it that little pottery man?"

Luo Shengchao raised his hand to cover his eyes, and nodded with difficulty.

The two doctors exchanged glances again, and both saw pain in each other's eyes.

After a long silence, Xie Zi returned, his tone full of disapproval: "Mr. Luo, that memorial of yours is really important to Mr. Dai. Back then Mr. Dai was beaten on the head by Mr. Dai. After waking up I didn’t speak for a long time, and it was after Dr. Guan gave him the ceramic doll that he finally wanted to talk to me.”

"The story of him laying down this little ornament for you, I can recite it backwards now."

Speaking for patients like this is obviously not one of the moral standards of psychiatrists. Seeing Luo Shengchao's shoulders trembling, Xie Zihui quickly took a breath and brought the topic back to the point.

"It turns out that the doll is broken, so it makes sense that Mr. Dai's condition has deteriorated." Xie Zihui said, "I need to ask you more, because Mr. Dai suffered from slow reaction and language barrier when he was abroad. The situation has become more frequent, so I want to know how he is communicating with you now."

Luo Shengchao blinked, recalling Dai Xu's beautiful eyes that were empty and unable to focus, and shook his fingertips violently.

"He...he often doesn't seem to understand what I'm saying. To be honest, I don't hear what he said very fluently. Sometimes I feel that he is not talking to me." Luo Shengchao said in a low voice, "He seems to be, The problem of communicating with people is quite serious.”

Xie Zihui couldn't hold back and sighed.

He watched his patient go from bad to worse, but Dai Xu kept refusing him to intervene. He probably understood that Dai Xu was trying his best to maintain the privacy of his relationship with Luo Shengchao.He is like an abandoned cat pitifully surrounding the remaining dignity. As a psychiatrist, Xie Zihui should respect patients, and he has no right to treat patients forcibly. However, as "Xie Zihui", he is almost on the verge of death. I can't hold back my temper.

Not all psychological barriers are deeply rooted from the very beginning, but every bit of malice in life is like snowflakes and suffocates Dai Xu, and the last piece that crushes him to death comes from his favorite That person, this matter is really enough.

"He has already begun to close himself and shut himself in his own small world. This is a common manifestation of severe depression patients. Now that Mr. Luo has decided to forgive him, I can tell you that he has just been killed by Mr. Dai. After the injury to the head, he tended to self-mutilate or even commit suicide, but Boss Dai didn't allow it at the beginning, and he also wanted to return to China to find you. Now...if it continues like this, when he can't perceive the outside world at all, he The chances of recovery are almost zero."

"I will take good care of him, I will take care of him, and I won't let him..." Dai Xu's self-injury tendency obviously frightened Luo Shengchao. The same pain as Dai Xu.

Xie Zi was a bit young and vigorous in the end, and Guan Chi stopped him soon after telling the truth.The older cardiologist handed Luo Shengchao a tissue, changed the subject and said, "The two of you had such a quarrel two days ago, it's normal for Mr. Dai to see you nervous. Everything needs some time Can you accept it, don't worry, Dai Shao will not reject you so much slowly."

"However, it shouldn't work today. It may be difficult for him to eat liquid food in his current physical condition. Let the hospital provide him with nutrition for support. You can try again tomorrow. Don't worry about it." Guan Chi patted Luo Shengchao "It's Sunday noon, do you still have to work tomorrow? Well, you and I will go back to Dai Xu's place to help him pack up his hospital things. Tonight you go home and have a good rest, okay?"

Hearing this, Luo Shengchao wanted to insist on staying with Dai Xu in the hospital for one more day, but Xie Zihui answered in a timely manner: "Mr. Luo, we can understand your feelings, but the fact is that Mr. Dai just had a conflict with you. You will definitely have negative emotions subconsciously, which is not good for him to eat. It will be handed over to the hospital in these two days, you can adjust it, and the treatment schedule is still long."

Luo Shengchao was speechless after being persuaded by the two doctors in unison. Thinking that he was the one who caused Dai Xu the most pain now, his chest hurt like a spasm again.He finally agreed with their decision, went to the door of Dai Xu's ward, looked at his sleeping lover from a distance, and followed Guan Chi out of the hospital.

Guan Chi came to the hospital by car, and now he also plans to drive Luo Shengchao to Dai Xu's house.His car looked a bit plain compared to his income. Luo Shengchao sat in the back seat and smelled a faint smell of cigarettes in the car.Guan Chi sat in the driver's seat, saw Luo Shengchao frowning wearily from the rearview mirror, smiled apologetically and opened the car window.

They didn't talk any more along the way, Guan Chi looked at Luo Shengchao's face through the central rearview mirror several times, moved his lips, and comforted him when he was about to reach the destination.

"Will be fine."

The doctor's reassurance probably sounded a little weighty, and Luo Shengchao's tense and aching nerves finally eased a little after the three simple words fell into his ears.The scenery outside the car window was slowly receding, he thought numbly, now Dai Xu is right in front of him...

No matter what, it's better than being separated by the end of the world.

But this fragile relief didn't even last for 10 minutes. When Luo Shengchao saw Dai Xu's current residence, his frail hope shattered like a bubble in the wind.

Dai Xu should have prepared this house as early as when he was abroad. He didn't live in a flat-floor or detached house, but rented an apartment that was very similar to the house the two lived together, but he didn't live in it. So similar - the layout of the house is the same, but the interior layout style is completely different.Back then, the house was almost furnished according to Luo Shengchao's aesthetics, soft and warm, but now Dai Xu's house is like a commercial model house, gray and dark, cold and lifeless.

Luo Shengchao felt his vision darken.He thought that Dai Xu must be struggling just like him, which can be seen from this simple single apartment.

You can get a glimpse of how his Xu Xu is quietly and furtively nostalgic while avoiding the warmth and color of the past.

Standing in this piece of black, white and gray ruins, Luo Shengchao realized for the first time that ordinary bricks and tiles can actually hurt people's hearts.