[Wen Ye] Hell changes

Ryunosuke Akutagawa woke up before dawn.It seems that he woke up a little earlier, and the sky has not yet fully brightened.He got up from the bed with his hands on his forehead, hearing nothing but his own exclamation and shortness of breath.The rising sun that has not yet fully risen outside still has a little desert-like halo, making it seem that everything under the sunrise is more mournful than the sunset.He was breathing quickly and exaggeratedly, cold sweat dripped down the lines of his skin, and when it flowed over his neck, he sat up abruptly, covered his sweaty neck with his hands, and rubbed it repeatedly with his fingers.

"What's wrong?" "I...I dreamed that I cut my own neck and committed suicide." He answered in a daze, and only looked at the source of the inquiry after he finished speaking.Gogol yawned lazily, sat on the edge of the bed, and met his frightened eyes: "Isn't this alive again?" "Really? I'm still alive?" "I'm still alive and well. , and there are no knife marks on the neck."

Akutagawa couldn't quite believe that he was still alive, so he couldn't help but look at the fingers he had rubbed against his neck just now, and found that everything from the tip of the finger to the belly of the finger was completely clean, and raised his face in horror.I heard that everything in hell is contrary to reality, left is right, right is left, clean is dirty, dirty is clean, good becomes evil, evil becomes good, life is death, and death is life.If he really died and entered a hell that is opposite to the human world, then his left hand and right hand should have switched positions.He looked at his normal left and right hands, and continued to look around.Sandalwood table and chairs.The thin shadows cast by the glass windows on the chair.A peony-scented potted plant.A sachet in the corner of the closet.A broken corner of the sachet.Brand new wall hangings.Dark curtains for shade next to the wall hangings.Tea not brewed under the curtain.Tea leaves spilled over the window sills.The winding sky is faintly visible beyond the window edge.In the sky, the day will come at an unknown time.Nothing has changed.Left leaning is left, right leaning is right, nothing becomes the opposite.So he murmured absent-mindedly: "I'm really still alive." The tears overflowing in his sleep fell down with a blink of an eye.

"If something happens to you, I will be criticized." Gogol took off the tall hat on his head, supported the top of the hat with one finger, and twirled the hat boringly.

"This is where?"

"Anything you can find."

"so……"

"I can only avoid it for a while, and run away immediately after raising it. Although it is a bit embarrassing to say it bluntly, I really don't have the money to buy you a house. Come, let me show you, the deed I just signed forged."

Akutagawa looked at the font on the paper, and when he saw the scrambled Japanese that looked like a bird drawing, he burst into tears and laughed, and the sad atmosphere was relieved for a moment.

"The words are ugly."

"It breaks my heart to say that. It's a work of art."

"It's like painting a sparrow. Others can't understand what you're writing."

"The bird's beak is the kana line of ka, one beak is ka, two are ki, and so on. The wings are sa, and the corresponding number of kana is the same..."

Gogol proudly explained the language system he had invented, no matter how tense the atmosphere was, it would break by itself.So Akutagawa also planned to cheer up before speaking, so he wiped his eyes indiscriminately, trying to cover up the fact that he had shed tears.When he touched his eyelashes glistening with teardrops, he seemed to see his sister's corpse appearing in front of his eyes, and Dazai Osamu's crying image was once again strongly highlighted from his gradually fading memory board.He frowned, and muttered to himself: Hurry up, before you are found...

Akutagawa supported his waist and abdomen, and groped the bedside table to find a support point. His expression was very painful, and his facial features could even be said to be twisted together.Even the skull seemed to be in pain, the premonition that the ribs were about to break came to my mind, and the lungs were swollen and painful.He could receive pain from every part of his internal organs, even every drop of sweat and tears.The pain lasted for a long time, and the twisting feeling of a part of the stomach would make normal people flinch, but Akutagawa Ryunosuke still persisted, didn't say a word about the pain, and gritted his teeth from the beginning to the end without complaining.After that, Akutagawa forgot how he fell into dizziness, maybe it was the moment when his hand slipped off the bed cabinet and he couldn't hold it steady, or maybe it was the moment when he closed his eyes and felt tinnitus.His center of gravity was abnormal, his field of vision was shaken in a counterclockwise direction, and the flow of blood was reversed because his body was turned upside down.While the sky was spinning, he felt his eyes were blurred, and the pain in the back of his head made him wonder if he had a concussion.I almost forgot that I had lost my legs.It's better to be disabled from the beginning, so that you won't miss your healthy self until now.If you haven't got it, you won't be sad about the sudden loss. If you haven't been to heaven, you won't be curious about the world beyond hell and feel that you don't live enough.What does it mean to let him have a complete experience of health before kicking him down from heaven?

Akutagawa Ryunosuke fell to the floor, trying to sit upright.The deafening tinnitus did not stop, making his already drowsy brain even more exhausted. Severe malnutrition caused him to feel dizzy when he raised his body a little. His legs were bumped into red and blue marks by the edge of the furniture, but he couldn't feel the slightest touch.He knelt down on the ground, finally straightened his body, and then slowly moved back to the original position with strength from his waist and arms.Aware of Gogol's gaze, he didn't respond, and kept staring straight ahead without saying a word.The fine hair on his forehead gently fluctuated with his tiny breathing movements.

A hand was placed in front of him.Akutagawa raised his head to look at Gogol, but did not shake that hand back.

"Hold it, this is the last time I will help you."

"Where are you going?"

"Hide."

"Are you even leaving?"

"Let's not talk about this. Tell you about the plan they arranged for me. Next, I will cheat my death once and plant it on someone else. I will put my death on the big screen, maybe you can too See. I have carefully prepared for a long time, and finally found the most spectacular way to die, and decided to cut myself in half, you will be amazed when you see it, it is so real."

"do not do that."

"There are still many things to do. To be honest, I don't deny that all these things are dangerous and unpleasant. The final outcome is probably real death. In the end, it is the same whether you pretend or not. So you don't have to Wait for me, I won't come back again. This is the last time we meet. Let's rely on each other carefree in the next life. I have a hand in my back, and I will definitely carry you home."

"Your words always make me feel that you seem to be hiding something."

"I can't say it. But you just need to remember one thing: everything I do is for you."

"do not do that."

"Cried?"

For the first time, Akutagawa Ryunosuke looked at this man seriously.His skin was fair, and he didn't have much blood color like himself, but he didn't look unhealthy.The facial muscle texture is so good that there are no dead ends, so no matter how nonsensical the expression is, how exaggerated the lips are, it will not make his expression management collapse, and it will still make people feel that this is a visually good face.Realizing that he was being scrutinized, Gogol turned his face sideways and smiled at him a little slyly.The thin lips gently bent into a half-arc shape with the change of expression.Akutagawa didn't refuse any more, put his hand on his, felt his cold and soft palm, and suddenly felt the pain in his chest was so intense that it couldn't be worse.

"Can I ask a question?"

"Appreciate further details."

"Osamu Dazai was my former teacher, you should have seen it just now. He brought me back from the slums to the port mafia."

"I see. He just wanted to shoot you before committing suicide, and meet you on the Naihe Bridge to continue the relationship. But to be honest, I don't want this kind of relationship for me. Besides, he is not as good-looking as I am. "

"Can you be serious? The next question I'm going to ask is related to him. I've lived to this day, more or less 20 years ago, and many people have told me that they like me, and even say they love me, but No one...no one, stood up against Osamu Dazai when I was in the most pain." He pursed his lips and paused, the sourness rolled stickily from the tip of his nose and throat, "Everyone came to beg after the fact, Akutagawa, please forgive me. If I don't forgive them, I have no morals. If I forgive them, I am too cheap and not worth it. I don't know what to do. Back then, I didn't understand anything, and I felt that I was really myself I deserve it, but then I gradually felt that it was not right, but the people around me still said that I deserved it. As long as you say that you really love me, you can do anything to me. Even dead people can have a reason Don’t make me feel better. Whether you hit me or forget me, whether you hurt me or say you love me suddenly, no matter what you do, someone will say that the perpetrator must have his own reasons. Don’t pay too much attention to it. It should be you There is something wrong with yourself, you must not hate or hate the perpetrator.

This is probably the case with the theory of victim guilt. Why do they refuse to admit that Osamu Dazai did something wrong?Many people who like Osamu Dazai must attribute the root cause to my bad personality, make a fuss about my pain and sorrow, and consume and squeeze me without a bottom line, in order to beautify Osamu Dazai and make him look so kind How gentle, beautifying his actions into awkward concerns and expectations for me, showing his helplessness.No one cared if I was really hurt or not.I'm also made of meat, my body is made of bones and flesh, so there must be pain, right?Am I really guilty, I really deserve it, or have I just been unlucky in my life?Now even I myself don't know what the correct answer is... No one is an exception, they are all like this, a second ago they said they were distressed, sad, and empathetic, then turned their heads and shrank back to look at me quietly Continue to struggle there, and wait until I have completed this round of hell, heaven, hell, and earth, and then come to ask me, how are you, I like you, can you be with me?

What is the reason?What is the reason why I have to be treated like this?Do I deserve all the punches and bullets?As long as you treat me like this, I can become a talent, and I can become a good boy that the whole world likes, right?If you don't treat me like this, I can't live, I don't have the right to live, right?But after suffering so many beatings and taking so many bullets, why still refuse to treat me kindly?I accepted the punishment I deserved without any complaints, and I didn't even mind that life was worse than death, but I still didn't get anything.Could it be that I have to cry out loud and give up all my dignity and the bottom line, so that no one will know that I am really tired and that I am really dying?Seeing me suffer, seeing me sad, is it really so pleasant, so happy?

You like to boast that you are omniscient, omnipotent, capable of everything, so you can answer, why?Answer!I can’t believe it until now, but it’s the truth... I’ve lived for so long, I’ve met so many people, I’m willing to bravely stand up in front of ten or even hundreds of people, and get me out of Mr. Dazai’s gun The one who was rescued... was only you! "

"Big liar, I really don't want you to leave." He couldn't bear it anymore, he choked up a trembling sound, tears welled up in his eyes, shaking his head and frowning, the scorching tears rolled down one after another.As if venting the pain of losing his family, he knelt down on the edge of the bed, resisting the pain that seemed to crack his skull, and wept in a horrible tone almost mourning, coughing and coughing up blood while crying .Blood and memories are planted in the internal organs like fireworks, and even every blood vessel in the heart is full of sorrowful aftertaste, and thousands of fatigue and trauma are accumulated in every inch of bone marrow and nerves.

The sun outside the window finally fully rose, illuminating the whole world, but not even an inch of Akutagawa Ryunosuke's body.The sun didn't want to explore more on him, and in the end all that fell on him was the brightness of the light and the cold wind passing by and falling down.The sunrise was shining there, as if separating Ryunosuke Akutagawa from the whole world.He seeks redemption, but there is only despair.He was looking for the light, but there was an endless stream of tears and blood from ancient times.He wept and spasmed, hoping that the pain would someday wear away from torturing himself.

"Unfortunately, the past can't be changed. We can't change the history that has happened, and we can't undo the casualties that have been done. But one thing, I can promise you... If I met you in the slums, then I will definitely not let you go. If it were me, I would silently stand behind me, recover all the harm you have suffered, and then transfer it to myself, to bear all the harm for you. "

"Does this work?"

"I will portray myself as a hateful image that everyone hates, and then put you on the opposite side of me, so that people who oppose me will like you and understand you. How many people hate you and misunderstand you , I will let as many people hate me."

"You must have lied to me when you said it so humiliatingly."

"Indeed, I lied to you. Did you feel better after being cheated once?"

"What a sad story, why don't you continue to lie with this story?"

"Because it's a bad thing to keep cheating, comrade. Dostoevsky and Osamu Dazai will kill me. They are so possessive of you. I'm just a kid who likes to have fun and love freedom. I don't want to mess with that It's so muddy. It's a pity, but let's go to the next life."

"There is no such thing as a next life or reincarnation. It's just self-deception."

"That's right, it's like magic. Everyone knows it's a trick, and there are tricks to find, but everyone likes it. Even if this kind of statement is indeed illusory, as long as it can calm the mood up to now, it's not bad. Why not try to be romantic again?"

"Is romance that you have to fake death? Is romance that you have to leave and hide?"

"One day you'll understand what I've done. It's all for you." He suddenly stopped smiling, looked at Akutagawa Ryunosuke with deep eyes, and said almost ruthlessly, "Trust me. "

Akutagawa Ryunosuke looked into his eyes, suddenly lost his voice.Now, who else can be trusted?He no longer had the courage to judge.When he tried to read Gogol's eyes, he actually felt that a certain dark corner of his soul had been captured by him, so he couldn't help but let out a faint tremor.At that time, no one knew why the clown stretched out his arms to wrap him in his arms.Just as no one knows why Bai Xue's embrace can't keep the sun, just like no one knows why affectionate flowers can't embrace the cold and lonely winter.At first, he was stunned for a moment, subconsciously thinking of refusing, and the hands that were about to push away were almost exhausted, but finally stopped.The warm embrace and ruthless gaze reminded Akutagawa of the quiet sea in the windless belt.Everything is unsatisfactory, everything is silent.As for where there is no wind zone in the world, and whether there is really a sea that can live forever and be as quiet as death, at this time, he does not want to find the answer.

"I trust you," he replied.

The person who hugged him did not continue to speak, and did not choose to reply to this sentence.Perhaps it is not that there is nothing to say, but the sea in the windless belt does not have the ability to speak.They each understood what it meant and believed in its unexplained meaning.Gogol's hand gently scraped his petite, wonderful helix.

The sunrise finally shines here, and pulls Ryunosuke Akutagawa back to this world again.