Autobiography of a paranoid patient

(48)

The gray round spot on the arm is the mark of a needle.

It's strange, he trapped me and showered under the water for a while, and the burning sensation dissipated a lot.

His embrace finally loosened a bit, I turned around, my chest was pressed against his chest, he was still holding my arm, rubbing his palms constantly.

"Going to the hospital?" I heard him ask me.

I was stunned immediately, as if my eyes were covered with a layer of fog.

hospital.

It's like a hidden switch, touching a deep string in my heart.

"I don't want to go..." My voice was low and flat.

I held his hand instead, and raised my eyes submissively.

"Don't go, don't..."

I don't know what he was thinking, he let me hold it for a while, his eyes and my tone looked at me almost indifferently.

We were in a stalemate for a while, I was afraid of his eyes and soon I couldn't look at him, and finally he just said: "Okay, I'll go out for a while."

Our intertwined arms loosened.

He turned away from me and my back slid away from the sink.

Where is he going?

(49)

I cleaned up the broken bowls by myself.

That's why I found out that the bowl of porridge wasn't even white porridge, and there were shiitake mushrooms, minced meat and other foods in it.

The fragrance and heat still exude.

The edge of the glass bowl is a bit sharp, and I deliberately let my fingertips slide over the uneven edges.

The expected blood did not flow out, and I regretted cleaning up the mess on the ground.

(Fifty)

I saw the opened medicine box on the coffee table.

They are some very common cold medicines, and there are not many shortages. I think these should be the medicines that Feng Yue gave me when I was unconscious.

Holding these pill boxes, I hugged my knees and sat where Feng Yue had been.

That sofa seemed to still have his body temperature. I curled up, my forehead was still hot, but the soles of my feet felt cold.

Snow-white walls, snow-white ceilings, snow-white sheets and my snow-white dad lying on them.

I watched him close his eyes, which he would never open again, and watched my mother approach.

I chose to believe her.

She said that the world can find my dad and take me back to my once happy home.

I must have been in such a confusion of mind that I believed such a crude lie.

I was pushed into the same dark situation by her unfamiliar hands that were no longer warm.

This is what the hospital means to me.

(51)

I don't know when Feng Yue appeared in my dream.

He has been here many times before, and it should be the same this time.

I was still lying on that sofa, and from the perspective of others, I might look a little silly.

But I don't feel like, I'm just waiting for him, I don't care.

It's a pity that only in the dream can I wait for him to come, and I stretched out my hand to him regretfully.

Since it is a dream, if I want anything, I can almost get it.

He did pull it up.

(52)

At that moment I felt wrong.

His palm is warm, but not complete, at least with a hint of coolness in summer night.

He opened the bag in his hand, took out the ointment and a cotton swab, and applied it to the wound on my arm.

I flinched back and hid my arms behind me. I shook my head and said, don't come here. He stopped and looked at me.

How could those eyes be so sad?

Is it just because I turned down his tiny request?

So I tried to stretch out my hand and spread my palm in front of him.

I said thank you, and he finally moved, pinched my palm and pulled me closer, but without saying a word, he applied the ointment for me.

It's strange that even such coolness can be so similar in the dream.

Until the tip of the cotton swab accidentally pokes my wound.

At that moment I really felt the pain.

Also found out it wasn't a dream.

(53)

Do people feel pain in their dreams?

For this, I have a definite and accurate answer.

Will not.

Will not.

If I could, maybe I would be a so-called normal person in real life.

I always feel that people can manipulate dreams to some extent.

When you encounter danger, you will also want to avoid it, and want to change the original direction of the dream. In this case, you will probably succeed.

So what if I have something I really want to do?

Whatever hurts oneself or others is solved in the dream.

But can't do it.

Because I can't feel the pain, I just wake up feeling dissatisfied.

As long as I meet my parents in my dreams, the desire to pick up a knife and aim at myself will become stronger.

That's what I didn't do.

So in this moment, I pulled myself away from him, I felt tears welling up in my eyes, and I shook my head desperately and said I don't want it.

"Not going to the hospital..." I should have said this.

I looked at Feng Yue's tightly furrowed brows, and I thought he was going to leave me, this strange, out-of-control patient.

"No, don't... I don't want to, I don't want to..."

"Please..."

I wiped my tears back and forth with the back of my hand and the palm of my hand.

"Please..."