paranoid dependence

On the day of Shen Chongshan's funeral, You Xiaoyue also came, Shen Nian was a little surprised, thinking she left after expressing condolences.

But there was no difference, Shen Nian didn't care too much.

Before eight o'clock in the morning, the coffin was moved into the mourning hall. Shen Chongshan was about to be moved from the ice coffin to the wooden coffin and then buried. Shen Nian stood in the corner by the wall and watched them coming in and out. Seven or eight people came to carry it, but Shen Nian was not interested, his gaze kept on Shen Chongshan's face.

Having experienced what happened to Grandma Qin, Shen Nian knew that Shen Chongshan's body would be sealed after it entered the wooden coffin, and after that, even if it was a corpse, he would never see it again.

Shen Chongshan will completely disappear from this world.

When the lid of the coffin was slowly closed, Shen Nian's body that had been sewn together with great difficulty seemed to be slowly being torn apart from the middle again, he could even hear the sound of flesh and skin being separated.

He really wanted to stop them from doing this, he even had an urge to let Shen Chongshan lie in the ice coffin forever, he didn't understand what was wrong with just lying there, Gu Zhi followed him, as if he could do whatever he wanted , will accompany him no matter what.

But Liang Qiu pulled him back, Shen Nian's irrational impulse was restrained, he looked back, only to find that Liang Qiu's eyes were also red.

"Xiao Nian, it will pass." Liang Qiu said.

Shen Nian was a little confused, it will pass, what will pass?When will it pass?Shen Nian didn't know, he only knew that someone shouted 'seal the coffin' in front of his ear, and then the coffin cover was pushed up along the tail of the coffin little by little in front of him, Shen Chongshan's body disappeared from sight little by little, until it can no longer be seen.

The juniors had already knelt down on the ground. As the only son, Shen Nian should also kneel, but he didn't. He reached out to touch the coffin lid, which was not very smooth but very cold. He didn't know what he wanted to do. What to do, but he just wants to feel.

Gu Zhi followed him, accompanied him, and led him.

Uncle Chen came over again to remind him to kneel down and make him cry, Shen Nian heard it, but he didn't listen, he just watched helplessly like a wooden man as the long nails ruthlessly pulled the coffin lid and coffin body together again and again. They were nailed together with such force that my hands on the coffin lid trembled.

Shocked to numb.

How does Shen Chongshan feel now?It's dark in there, right?Can't see anything?Can't breathe?It's hard, right?Shen Nian couldn't help thinking about these things, but when he thought about how ridiculous these questions were, Shen Chongshan wouldn't feel anything, since he died, he wouldn't feel anything else.

The coffin left the house and stayed in the alley for a short time. As the only son, Shen Nian had to walk around the coffin three times before throwing the basin. Uncle Chen quietly told Shen Nian: "If you want to cry, even if you are pretending crying."

But Shen Nian still didn't cry, he dropped the basin expressionlessly as if he didn't hear it. There are many meanings of throwing the basin in the countryside. It is said that this is for the deceased to drink Mengpo soup when crossing the Naihe Bridge. If it is broken, you can't drink it. I hope the deceased will remember the days with the living.

Shen Nian's not crying and not hurting made the surrounding onlookers start to point and point. Shen Nian heard it, and then felt the so-called "refreshing pain" in Liang Qiu's mouth. Saying that he is not a human being makes Shen Nian feel happier, those words that Shen Chongshan can't scold him can be said from these people's mouths.

He prayed secretly amidst such cursing, praying that Shen Chongshan could still drink that bowl of Mengpo soup. This life is too bitter, and the son he raised is too unfilial, so it's better not to remember it.

Be a handsome person in the next life, love what he loves, and be free.

After Shen Chongshan's burial, those who came to help dispersed, Shen Nian stood in front of Shen Chongshan's grave for a long time without leaving, as if he couldn't accept why a person was buried in the ground, and also seemed to be saying his final farewell.

Gu Zhi stayed with him all the time, quietly basking in the sun with him.

Later, You Xiaoyue, who had been at the end of the funeral procession, stopped by the side of the road for a long time and then walked over. Shen Nian saw her out of the corner of his eye, and said to Gu Zhi and Liang Qiu next to him, "Go back first."

It was impossible for Gu Zhi to agree, but Liang Qiu grabbed him before he even said the words of refusal:

"Okay, but we won't go. We'll wait for you at that intersection."

Shen Nian didn't say anything, as he agreed, Liang Qiu stepped forward and forcibly took Gu Zhi away.

"You Xiaoyue can be regarded as a knot in his heart. It would be great if it can be untied." Liang Qiu walked with him and said, "You don't want him to have this thorn in his heart forever, do you?"

Although Gu Zhi was dissatisfied with Liang Qiu, he still listened to what he said, and Liang Qiu didn't have to drag him along the way, he walked with him to the intersection and stopped.After a brief silence, Gu Zhi asked Liang Qiu a question:

"Will Nian Nian be okay?"

Liang Qiu looked at Gu Zhi from Shen Nian's body in the distance, and remembered the way Gu Zhi looked at Shen Nian that night. A series of actions read, looking at his eyes, because of his maintenance and possessiveness all have to make people think in that direction.

This is the age when love is just beginning, it is normal to have impulses and thoughts, but is it normal for Gu Zhi to Shen Nian?

"Gu Zhi." Liang Qiu said, although he was still 18 months away from the age of 6, he said with a sense of sincerity, "Xiao Nian will be fine, before that, don't put other pressure on him, otherwise It's going to backfire."

Gu Zhi heard Liang Qiu's words, and looked back at him suspiciously: "Why should I put pressure on him?"

"It won't be the best." Liang Qiu didn't want to speak too clearly, if he thought wrong, if Gu Zhi didn't have this idea but was dismissed by himself, it would be too inappropriate. So Wen Yan just smiled: "Anyway, remember Brother Liang Qiu's words, it won't hurt you."

Gu Zhi looked him up and down, looked at him like a monster, and didn't understand why he would put pressure on Shen Nian, and it was too late for him to feel distressed?How willing.

baffling.

You Xiaoyue stood slightly in front of Shen Nian, as if she didn't have to see Shen Nian's face this way, as if she was standing here just to bid farewell to Shen Chongshan and had nothing to do with anyone else.

Shen Nian looked at the newly erected grave, looked at the loess and wreaths on it for a long time, and finally opened his mouth:

"When you divorced, why did my dad keep me?"

Shen Nian has been thinking about this question ever since they divorced. He was obviously not his biological son, why did he still support him? He never asked Shen Chongshan, even after he had a showdown with him. He once He thought there was no doubt about this question, because even if he knew, he was still his father, but at this moment Shen Nian wanted to know.

After Shen Chongshan left, he suddenly wanted to know, but the answer would never be told by Shen Chongshan.

You Xiaoyue didn't know if she was unwilling to talk to Shen Nian, and she didn't speak for a long time. Although Shen Nian was a little disappointed, she seemed to be used to it. respond.That being the case, he didn't seem to have to wait any longer.

But when she was about to leave and leave the space here for You Xiaoyue, she suddenly opened her mouth benevolently and said:

"You are his son, what happened to him raising you?"

"You know I'm not." Shen Nian looked at You Xiaoyue's profile: "I'm not his real son."

"You are." You Xiaoyue was not surprised by Shen Nian's words, nor was Shen Nian surprised by You Xiaoyue's reaction, even though they were divorced, they have always been in touch, so two years ago Shen Nian had a showdown with Shen Chongshan and said that she knew it was not his own. It is understandable for You Xiaoyue to know about her son.

"He raised you for 17 years, and he didn't."

"Yes." Shen Nian did not deny this point: "He will always be my father, but I still want to know the reason why he left me."

"I won't support you." You Xiaoyue said without hesitation: "I actually wanted to take you away at the beginning. I won't support you, and I don't want to use you to drag him down. He knows what I'm thinking. He stopped me, and he said that since they are all given to others to raise, it is better for him to raise them himself, anyway, he will not have other children in this life, will not treat you badly, and will take good care of you."

Maybe she was talking about Shen Chongshan, it was the first time that You Xiaoyue talked so much with Shen Nian, it seemed that Shen Nian had never done this before, and her expression was softer than Shen Nian had ever seen before, as if she had returned to that day when she met with Shen Nian. The scene where Shen Chongshan said this.

"My dad... likes Gu Ming, right?"

This sentence surprised You Xiaoyue, she turned her head and glanced at Shen Nian, the softness was gone, replaced by surprise, there was also a touch of disgust slowly revealed, Shen Nian could see clearly that the disgust was for herself, she used this The look in his eyes has looked at himself for 11 years, and it has not changed until now.

Shen Nian is too familiar.

"How do you know?" You Xiaoyue asked him.

"There is a photo in my dad's wallet, a group photo of the three of us, but he folded Gu Zhi's mother." Shen Nian said: "My dad raised me for 17 years. I have never been interested in anything, can you tell me about him?"

"Does it make sense?" You Xiaoyue turned her head away from Shen Nian again: "Everyone is dead, so what's the point even if you understand?"

"When Gu Zhi came home, I actually hated my dad. He was very kind to Gu Zhi. He was almost obedient. He would remember what Gu Zhi liked to eat and what color he liked, and he would give up his sports car and stay at home. Accompanying him, these are things I have never enjoyed before." Shen Nian's voice was very soft, but there was no wind today, his voice was not blown away, it was still enough for You Xiaoyue to hear, maybe Shen Chongshan could also hear it.

"It wasn't until he died that I realized that he was actually very good to me. Before Gu Zhi came, he would try his best to take care of me, but I forgot all about it."

"I never cared about him." Shen Nian said, "I know it's too late now, but I still want to know, can you tell me?"

You Xiaoyue didn't speak for a long time, but Shen Nian inexplicably felt that she would, because she, like herself, wanted Shen Chongshan very much, so even if she was talking to someone she hated, she was willing to talk about it, because in this world There is no one else like Shen Nian who has lived with Shen Chongshan for many years and has the same memory.

"He likes men, he likes Gu Ming." You Xiaoyue finally opened her mouth: "In those days, do you know how difficult it is to like this? I always thought that your father was good at everything, but his vision was not very good. Gu Ming looks like a humble gentleman, but he is a heartless person who puts interests first and speaks eloquently. He obviously doesn't like men, but he still doesn't keep distance after learning that Chong Shan likes him, and asks Chong Shan to work hard for him , Half of his initial career was due to Chongshan, but he said that he was going to get married when Chongshan thought that his heart would be answered."

"Your father was about to leave at that time. He didn't blame the other party for not liking him, but he couldn't help seeing the person he liked marrying someone else, but Gu Ming used the excuse that he couldn't leave him, so he continued to stay in the house. The company worked hard for him, until Gu Zhi was born, Chong Shan didn't leave completely, but Gu Ming was so resourceful that even though Chong Shan left, he never forgot him."

"Maybe Gu Ming enjoys this process very much. Seeing a person whose heart and eyes are full of him may make him feel very satisfied."

Shen Nian subconsciously glanced at Gu Zhi who was looking at him from a distance, but couldn't imagine what it was like when Gu Zhi was by Gu Ming's side.

"Since my dad likes men, how did you get married?" Shen Nian slowly looked back and asked softly.

Originally, Shen Nian thought that she had already said so much, and You Xiaoyue shouldn't be too embarrassed about this question, but she was silent for a longer time than before. It was so long that the sky was still clear just now, and it didn't know when it became gloomy. , and Shen Nian could also feel that her mood was the same as the current weather, a heavy rain could erupt at any time.

"I owe your father my life." Perhaps because of the memories of the past, You Xiaoyue's tone became less gentle and more forbearing: "I should have died 17 years ago, because he fished me out of the river. Comforting me and taking care of me, when I wanted to die again, he said that he would not give me a normal marriage by marrying me, but he could give me a normal family, and he promised that no one would point fingers and say anything.”

"I believed in him, so we got married."

After marriage, Shen Chongshan took care of You Xiaoyue like a brother or a friend, and gave her warmth and consideration that no family had ever given her. Even when the son he hated so much was born, he took care of him back and forth.

Like such a person, You Xiaoyue can't control herself.

But it is destined to have the same ending as Shen Chongshan, there is no love, no result.

You Xiaoyue didn't say why she wanted to die again and again 17 years ago. At that time, she was probably pregnant. Why did she want to die while pregnant, or did she want to die because of pregnancy? Shen Nian suddenly didn't dare to ask. , he felt that he could not bear that answer.

Shen Nian didn't ask, and You Xiaoyue didn't take the initiative to say, this seemed to be the only tenderness she could give Shen Nian as a mother.

The weather is getting more and more gloomy, it seems that it is really going to rain, You Xiaoyue looked up at the sky, lowered her eyes and said softly to the sleeping Shen Chongshan, "Sleep well, I'm leaving" and was about to leave, but she just walked away. After two steps, Shen Nian, who had been silent since You Xiaoyue finished answering his question, stopped her and asked her:

"Since you hate me so much, why did you let me be born?"

You Xiaoyue stopped, but didn't look at him.

"Why?" Shen Nian asked an answer as if masochistic: "Why do you hate me? Why do you hate me and give birth to me?"

You Xiaoyue closed her eyes, tightly clenched her hands hanging by her side, she seemed to be unable to help but blurt out, but in the end she still let herself relax slowly.

"If I could kill you, you wouldn't be standing here asking me these things. I don't want to bring you into this world to torture each other. I have no choice."

"I know you hate me, and I know you're innocent, but I can't help it."

"As for why I hate you, I promised your dad that I would never tell you that." You Xiaoyue said, "I will not break my promise to him."

After saying these words, You Xiaoyue walked away without looking back, as if she never wanted to see Shen Nian again, and never wanted to have anything to do with this son.