East Berlin's June Boat Song

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You ask me if I have thought about it once and for all?

It would be impossible if I said no.

I once fled to Belgrade, standing on the banks of the Sava River, staring at the dark light of the river in the night, remembering that Sasha had jumped down in pain, so my mind was dazed, and I jumped without even thinking about it.It was winter, and I was no longer young. The moment I fell into the water, I started to cramp, and my limbs swayed weakly.

As I gazed at the moon in the cold river, I remembered that he once told me that no matter where we were, we all looked up at the same moon.Yes, Julian, you must be missing me at this time, but I am really tired, 11 years...I have been in love with you for only 11 years, and now we have been separated for such a long time, and despair is getting more and more invading Me, the thought of you does not cease to grow every day, like ants crawling into my bone marrow, rustling and stirring my soul, causing me unbearable pain...

Julian, Julian, do you still love me?

So I gave up struggling, and let my body sink in the river, gradually losing consciousness, but at the last moment, I suddenly felt that if I really died, I would really lose to this so-called "era", and I suddenly Opening his eyes, he swam towards the place where the moonlight surged, barely saving his life.

Not long after, when I was hunted down by the KGB to Vienna, I met a person whom I had deliberately forgotten for a long time.He stood in the crowd, staring at me silently and sadly, his gray eyes seemed to be blaming me for not looking for him, I turned around resentfully, but was forcibly pressed down by his men.

I came to America.

Richard has been the director of the CIA since 1966, and it has been six years now. He said that if the Kennedy assassination hadn't taken too much energy from the CIA, he would have found me sooner.What I didn't tell him was that, in fact, I had been deliberately avoiding him.

No reason, just don't want to see him.

But now that he is so powerful, he won't let me slip away easily. Guess what method he used to keep me?Yes, news from Julian.His spies in the Soviet Union occasionally heard about Julian's "abdication". After all, he was his old enemy, and no one "cared" about Julian more than Richard.I was trapped in the United States by Richard for five full years because of the terse information that came every few months.

For five years, I lived in Washington, living in Richard's luxurious apartment, and I was followed wherever I went, no different from house arrest.But Richard said he was protecting my safety, after all I was still being hunted down tirelessly by the KGB.

But I don't care, I don't care, Richard and I have nothing to talk about, and we don't talk.His apartment is big and he is very busy at work. Even though they live together, they often don't see each other for a week.I don't understand why he did this to me and he didn't give any explanation.It's just that at Christmas time, I would invite me to have dinner with him. At that time, he would always look at me dreamily, and I would pour a glass of expensive red wine in his face.

But he was not angry, he just persuaded me to see a psychiatrist, saying that he had reminded me that I was stubbornly refusing to accept the established ending.

He wiped the red wine meticulously and gracefully, with unfathomable loneliness in his eyes, I couldn't bear it any longer and rushed forward to beat him up, I scolded him for ruining me, ruining my life , ruined my love, my everything!But he, the director of the CIA, the leader of all American intelligence personnel, just let me fight like this, and never fought back.

I was tired from beating him, so he collapsed on the ground and cried.He stared at me silently, raised his trembling hand and fell on my head, and said softly, sorry.

But I'm sorry, but I can't restore everything I lost.

At first, I loved wandering the streets of the United States, looking at those lively faces, I often thought, what is the difference between Americans and us?They are also human beings, with straight hair and curly hair, eyes and skin colors of all kinds. Girls and children are eating ice cream and laughing on the street, and young people are dancing hip-hop with Japanese stereos on the square. Young people work hard every day and treat their partners loyally, but it doesn't affect their affairs at all. When old people walk in the park and make love to each other, they look very sweet, but in the next second they may be snatched by some gangsters. The most valuable wedding rings, and the hoodlums go to jail...

How are they different from us?These things happen everywhere in the world. What is the so-called confrontation?What does a group of people gain against another group of people?National prestige?reputation?But how ridiculous that is to ordinary people, because of an iron curtain and a wall, the lives of countless ordinary people have been rewritten, and they are forced to be separated from their lovers and relatives, but the reunion is far away.

Many people can talk about great principles, but I don't know much about them. Even though I am middle-aged, I am not as clear-headed as I was when I was young.I felt more and more confused and absurd, and my mental state took a turn for the worse. Richard suggested that I apply for a doctor's license.

You gotta find something to do, he said.

Maybe he was right, and I realized later that Julian forced me to read books when I was locked in the underground prison when I was 19, and he asked me to rescue George during the years when I was forced to defect. Do something, and if you don't find something to do, you will easily fall into a state of confusion, and this state is extremely dangerous for me who is hovering on the edge of life and death.He saw me clearly early on, saw my cowardice, and knew my persistence.

So I started to study for a doctor's license. That year, 1975, Richard had retired and often tutored me in my studies.

I also stopped arguing with him, and although Julian's news was cut off again, at least I had the matter of getting a doctor's license.

This incident tied my life again.

I still remember the day when I came back from my exams and Richard was sitting in the dark, and when I turned on the light, I found him crying.He is sad, I have never seen him so sad.

He said, Rhine, your father, Randall died.

My brain was congested instantly, please forgive me, at that moment I even forgot to remember my dead father, but was thinking, what if I was as miserable as Richard and could not see that person again in the end? ?

I cried and cried out, "Julian don't die, wait for me a little longer", Richard lost his temper like never before, and the almost 60-year-old man picked up the baseball bat at home He beat me hard, he said he was beating for my father and me, he scolded me for not living up to my expectations, and said that if I had listened to him earlier, I wouldn’t have fallen to where I am now... .

After beating me, he hugged me and cried again, saying that he was sorry for my father and me. From that day on, Richard's physical condition took a sharp turn for the worse, and his hair turned white overnight.His instant aging made me realize how dangerous it must be that his life is also tied to another person.

In 1977, Richard, who was recuperating in the garden, suddenly told me that the KGB’s pursuit of me was over, and as long as I did not set foot in the Soviet Union and countries under its jurisdiction, I was safe.I asked him what he meant, but he didn't look at me, his eyes fell on the swaying cornflowers in the garden, and he said, you are free.

I am free.

There is no KGB to hunt me down anymore, but I still can't go back, and I am still the "number one defector" of the Soviet Union.I don't know why they gave up chasing me, but I have long been numb to the point where I no longer have the curiosity to find out.

In 16 years, I was hunted down for a full 16 years.

And he also separated for 16 years.

It was like a dream.

Then I said goodbye to Richard and went back to West Berlin.Since then, I have lived in Colonel Victor's apartment, opened my own clinic, and become the "Dr. Muller" of my dreams.

When I first picked up surgical tools and saved a patient's life, for a moment, it was as if Sasha was standing beside me.

He smiled, looked at me, and didn't speak.

But he gave me a lot of confidence and made me believe that I did have that ability.

Sasha, Sasha...my Sasha...you see?

That wall, that wall between East and West Berlin, that separates me from him...

In my spare time, I often walk under the Berlin Wall and touch the cold wall. Sasha, what mood did you think Julian was in when he built the wall?

Did he know that we would be apart for so long when he built a wall separating me from him?How he gritted his teeth and built this wall...

I know that I am a strange person, but I am not the only one who is strange. Every day, I don’t know how many people cry under the Berlin Wall and miss the people on the other side. I am not unique. I am just an ordinary one in this ridiculous year. .

Sasha, Sasha, can you hear me cry?

Didn't you say that you are a gust of wind, a ray of moonlight, always by my side?

Probably because of the continued depression, I finally fell ill in 1980. When Catherine, the nurse in the consulting room, was taking care of me, she heard me calling many names in a daze.But she didn't know any of those names, she was kind and could only ask around.Perhaps it was because she was too casual to inquire about some great figures, and finally attracted some attention.So at the end of that year, a person came to my hospital bed.

He held me in his arms and cried like a child.

He said, Rhine, where have you been all these years?my Rhine......

We are all old, Rhine...

That day Misha guarded me in front of my hospital bed all night, and secretly called the senior Stasi doctor to treat me. The doctor came quietly with Du En, who was already the head of the anti-interference department. The blond boy is also full of face. The vicissitudes of life, shed tears in front of me, desperately grabbed my hand and kissed.

He said that for so many years, he missed me for a moment, but he didn't dare to look for me.But my Doon, why am I not?I reached out and stroked his soft blond hair, and it was like the time we were in the Stasi hospital when Frank was captured and he told me he would always be by my side.

Yes you did.The only one who chased and killed me was the KGB, and the Stasi did not take any action at all, and even to a certain extent, they did not cooperate with the KGB's actions at all.

The sight of old friends made my health gradually better, and the two of them often came to see me secretly, and once, I even caught a glimpse of Milk in a limousine parked outside the apartment.He didn't say anything, just looked at me silently and wept.His hair was all white, I smiled and waved to him, he couldn't hold back his emotions any longer, and turned his head to wipe away his tears.

So I lived in West Berlin like this, and I was my doctor Muller every day. When I was free, I went for a walk under the Berlin Wall and occasionally met old friends. My body and mind gradually improved. Maybe it was because I was getting older and some things were happening Take it easy, so time is really a scary thing.

But I know that time cannot erase my feelings for him, and my love and longing for him will only grow day by day.

It's just that I'm not sad anymore.

Time passed like this, and one day, I noticed that I had grown white hair, which looked like a pale blond in the light.Reminds me of Julian's almost silver blond hair.I still miss the satin-like touch, I have stroked and kissed countless times.

Now that science is advancing with each passing day, I re-edited many photos of them that I always carry with me, and put them in the living room and bedroom at home. Julian always smiles under the wisteria, misses me in front of the white house, Ellen and Sasha They looked very happy, they were very young at that time.

But I am old.

But the elderly also have the benefits of the elderly, at least they can deal with many things calmly.Of course, it’s just talking, I still remember that day when I woke up early in the morning, the street was so noisy, Catherine rushed into my old man’s bedroom without hesitation, helped me get dressed, and pulled me I ran to the Brandenburg Gate.

look!Dr. Muller, look!She was as excited as a little rabbit, bouncing around in the crowd, her cheeks were flushed, her curled hair was jumping in the sun, it reminded me of Sonia, and also reminded me of another "Catherine".

She cheered, and as the crowd cheered, the Berlin Wall was brought down!Germany is to be united!

Doctor Muller!You can go back to East Berlin!

No, we are finally back in Berlin! !

On November 1989, 11, the Berlin Wall he built with his own hands was pulled down. I seemed to be one of the young people, cheering with them, running towards the Brandenburg Gate, towards Unter den Linden, laughing loudly, loudly singing!