Black Powder Monologue Diary

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2021. 4, 13

I am not dead.

In the first few seconds of swallowing the medicine, I still hesitated.I gave up.

Anyway, it's not the first time I tried it. I didn't succeed in the past few times, and I don't miss it now.

To live on, I remembered the word.

I feel that my condition is getting worse and worse. When I went to see Dr. Chen last week, I didn't say a word.Just sat in the chair silently.

He finally asked me if I saw my mother again.I still didn't answer.

A failed psychological interview, but I still have to pay him.

Speaking of which, I still want to thank Ji Shanye.If I hadn't been his make-up artist for a while, I couldn't afford to see a psychiatrist.

People around me can actually see the difference in me recently, like a wandering spirit.Although they don't know what happened to me, they still comfort me.I am very grateful that they care about me. I always thought that I had no sense of existence.

I felt intuitively that I had to make some changes.Like deciding to keep a diary in the first place, at least a little start.

This semester is coming to an end, and the instructor said that Dean Zhang has a research project in Fuya Mountain next semester, and he wants to bring two students there.I kind of want to go.

The other students were reluctant to go, because Fuya Mountain was too remote, and the map navigation could not find his specific location, because there was no signal.The living environment is also very difficult, and there is no way to know when the research project will end.

But I'm still interested because the research project is about quality plant breeding, which is what I've been studying.If it succeeds, it will definitely win the award, and it can be regarded as a small progress for agricultural development.

This is part of the reason, on the other hand, I just want to escape the situation, I need to divert my attention to other things, not to think about my own affairs.

Today is the No. 17 day of breaking up with Ji Shanye, we have no contact.

As if he really disappeared from his world.

2021. 4, 14

Nothing happened.

No record.

2021. 4, 15

I signed up for Dean Zhang's project, and the seniors who were one level above me also signed up.But Dean Zhang said that the project time should be advanced, and he asked me to pack up my things and go with him next week.

The outline of the dissertation should be sent to the tutor before leaving, because Fu Yashan has no signal and the return date is uncertain, so it is necessary to prepare early.

I was busy doing experiments all night, looking for information, and writing papers.

A little bit of a hurry.

2021. 4, 18

Set off to Fuya Mountain.It took two hours by plane, seven hours by bus, and one hour on foot to drag the suitcase to the foot of Fuya Mountain.

I don't need to go to the top of the mountain during this period of time, but I need to get familiar with the environment first.

The night view here is very beautiful, and you can see the sky full of stars as soon as you look up.We live in a farmyard at the foot of the mountain, and the internet is a bit poor, but I still have to rush to write a thesis assigned by my tutor.

2021. 4, 20

At three o'clock in the morning, my hands were shaking a little.

My breathing hasn't calmed down yet.

Just now, Ji Shanye called me.He didn't block me.

I was busy looking at the information, and when the call came, I didn't look at the name much, and got through directly.

I gave a feed, but there was no sound for a long time.He took down his phone and looked, only to find that it was Ji Shanye calling.

My heart felt like it was being pulled up in an instant, my chest was tight, and my breathing was constricted.After another dozen seconds, it was still quiet over there.I think Ji Shanye probably made a mistake.But I don't want to hang up.

However, Ji Shanye spoke quickly.

Do you still want those things?Ji Shanye asked me.

It was Ji Shanye's voice. I don't know why, but suddenly I wanted to cry.But I have been holding my palm tightly, even breathing carefully.

I was actually a little dazed, I wasn't thinking about what he asked me at all, I just wanted to hear his voice.

When will you pick up those things you left in my house?he asked me again.

This time, I heard clearly what he was asking me.My heart was gripped and slowly fell. It turned out that he called me to ask this.

Send it to the school, and I'll find someone to pick it up.I said.

Ji Shanye seemed to laugh.how?I don't even want to take things by myself.

No, I'm not at school.I said.

where are you thenhe asks.

I was silent for two seconds. On the mountain, a research project of the dean is here.

When are you coming back?he asked again.

have no idea.I really don't know the return date, but if the project is not successful, there is a high probability that I won't be able to go back.

The project duration is at least one year.I answered again.

Ji Shanye was silent for a while, his tone of voice was very cold, why did he not want to meet me so much and hide from me so far?

I pinched my palm and said, I didn't.

Ji Shanye seemed very upset, he chuckled, you'd better come over by yourself, you have too many things, I don't have the energy to pack them up for you, and then send them to you.

I was annoyed by looking at those things, when will you come back, and when will you bring them back by yourself.Ji Shanye seems to hate me.

Also, no one takes kindly to an ex who dumped him.

I said, if you don't like to see those things, just throw it away, it's nothing, it's not expensive.

Ji Shanye didn't speak, I could only hear his breathing.

Is this what you mean by getting together and going away?After a long time, Ji Shanye asked.

I wanted to say something, but I didn't say it in the end.Ji Shanye didn't seem to care about my answer, so he quickly hung up the phone.

Not a great conversation, I feel like I screwed up again.

I think I'm probably Ji Shanye's most failed predecessor.