please let go

I am He Chuan, an ordinary person.

After six years of separation, I didn't recognize him at first sight.

My withdrawn nature made me avoid all social interactions, so that the first thing I said when I saw him twice was "Please let me go", but he didn't let me go, but bumped into me instead.

Thank him for being nosy, reporting my behavior of regulating school rules, and letting me notice him.

I thought of Jiang Shan, the reason why he agreed to such a naive invitation for a fight was also because of this reason.

Now every time I mention this and I am about to laugh at him, he will cover my mouth with a blushing face.

I learned about He Yi's online dating and taught her a lesson that night. I went to find out that it was Jiang Chen.

I've been asking for so long, can I let it go?I also remember very clearly that if he said it was me, he would put it down in seconds.

I don't know which words I was angry with, whether it was me and he didn't want to continue, or he didn't pay attention to feelings, and let go of the half-year relationship as soon as he said it.

Anyway, I left him on the spot and left.

Later, He Yi explained to me that it was a misunderstanding, and I began to reflect on whether my attitude was a little bad, but I kind of liked him walking around me, and felt that my thinking was a little abnormal.

During the fight, he saw my eyes and said "It's so beautiful".

In an instant, my memories overlapped... I have average eyes, but Jiang Chen's eyes are really beautiful.

There's only one person in the world who can praise me like that, and I'm not sure if it's him.

I remember that I spit on him in the bathroom during the big break, and I felt a little regretful when I saw his frowning expression.

Since then, I have never done this again, and I have quit smoking a long time ago, after all, there are better things than cigarettes that can be brought to my mouth.

It's really not my style to run with him. I really don't want to go. I originally planned to climb over the wall to leave school, but I ran into him in the corridor and walked towards the playground.

He was so tired from running that I even regretted letting him replace me.

I should run and he should accompany me.

When he crashed into my arms, my heart beat so fast that I didn't even want to push him away.

Seeing that he was about to go into shock in a second, I pinched his waist, it was so thin.

I have a dangerous thought.

After the appearance, he asked me if I reconciled, and I said it was the same.

In my eyes, that little thing is not a quarrel at all, and I don't think I will hate him at all.

I locked myself in the abandoned teaching building and waited for him to rescue me. Knowing that he liked my eyes, I deliberately brushed my hair to let him look at my eyes and make him feel sorry for me.

Facts have proved that my goal has been achieved.

He said to help me charge the desk lamp, but I subconsciously refused. I didn't think he had any reason to help me. After returning to the classroom, I regretted that I had to be brave.

Evening self-study is over, deliberately dawdling, and rushing out of the classroom door in no hurry.

He really came to me, came to the dormitory to get the lamp, and talked to that person after he went out.

I heard it all.

He wants to live on campus, or because I'm here, he doesn't want to live on campus.I started to wonder if he hated me and stayed up all night.

The next day his request was that I have to brush my hair when we were alone, and I felt that things were going in the direction I wanted.

I deliberately told him what happened back then, and his reaction told me that I was wrong and he is not Jiangshan.

His eyes are not pity me, but another kind of emotion.

I can't tell what it is, but I like that look very much, and I have been curious more than once, how can someone who hasn't even spoken a few times show that look——

Until the night we broke up, he came to me.

I just realized,

It was the look in my eyes that longed to love me.

I deliberately pretended to be drunk and lay in the toilet, waiting for him to bring me home, his behavior told me that he had a crush on me.

When I discovered the secret relationship, he was flustered and asked me if I wanted to beat him.

I resisted the urge to continue kissing him, kept my eyes closed and pretended to be asleep without speaking, and stayed up all night, thinking a lot.

I thought of the guy named Jiang Shan, and fantasized about doing any intimate moves with Jiang Chen.

It was only at dawn that I suddenly realized that those few hours of my life were all fantasies and fakes.

"I like Jiang Chen."

This conclusion must not be false.

I walked out of the room and saw him lying on the sofa. At that time, I had a thought, I hope I can see him sleeping soundly every morning in the future.

When he woke up, he blushed when he saw me. I knew I was still struggling with the secret kiss last night.

this fool.

In order not to burden him, I can only say that I don't care, and even make up such nonsense as "improper contact".

When I went out to eat, he kept staring at my mouth, his thoughts written all over his face.

I now venture to admit that it was my first kiss.

But from interpersonal communication to family conditions, there is a gap between me and him.

I could see that he wanted to get close to me, but unfortunately we were not the same way.

My existence is to lighten the burden of life for my mother, and to be by He Yi's side as an older brother until she finds her lifelong partner.

I have nowhere to go, and the responsibility I shoulder is my destination.

His appearance in my life is just a fleeting beauty, and I suddenly realized that I have no right to covet all this.

Soon he moved into the dormitory.

One night there was a power outage in the dormitory, and he hugged me and said he would always be there.

When he was a kid he made a promise that he would always be by my side, and he said it again six years later, and he didn't even realize that he was making two identical promises to the same person.

I remember that I said at the time, "Because I am afraid of losing, I never want to possess in the past", but Jiang Chen became an exception.

He approached and touched again and again so that I couldn't ignore the emotion in my heart. From then on, what I said "becoming friends" was just the first step.

I long for the day in the future when he will be mine, physically and mentally.

He was nice to everyone, and I was just one of them, the worst and most unworthy of him.

This made me possessive and jealous.

He likes to peek at me across the podium, likes to go back to bed and walk side by side with me, and occasionally pretends to touch my arm inadvertently.

And I was taking advantage of his kindness, occasionally swearing at him, and showing off a pitiful look, luring him to approach me.

I dare not confess.

When I saw his comments on the software, I started to wonder what made him do this for me, maybe it was because I treated him differently than other people treated him.

His liking may be just a whim or curiosity, if he confesses to me after the college entrance examination, then we will be together.

Unfortunately he forgot.

Every night since we got back together, he would say "I love you" to me before going to bed.

He wants to use the days to come to make up for the confession he didn't say that year, but it's really unnecessary. Every time he looks at me, the look he sends is a unique love letter in the world.

I went to get my hair cut because of that comment.

It wasn't until He Yi's birthday that I knew Jiang Chen's former name, and I had a bold idea, so I asked a few more questions.

I am sure he is Jiangshan.

It's hard to let go of the person you miss so much, but in the end you find that he's always by your side.

That feeling is really amazing.

I fell in love with the same guy, twice.

He didn't push me away when I forced him to kiss him.

This man is so good-looking even frowning and angry.

In fact, I thought that one kiss would be enough, but I was addicted.

I like him so much, I can't wait for the day of confession, I want to be with him immediately.

He forgot about me or played me on purpose, but my feelings outweighed all negative emotions and offered to be with him.

He refused, saying that they would be together after getting 100 points in the final exam.

It's a pity that I got a 99 points.

In fact, I could wait for the next exam, but he agreed to be with me.

I know that the remaining part is his favorite.

I have heard countless curses about Tang Miao from my mother. When I knew about this coincidence, I stood on the balcony smoking a cigarette and thought about it all night, thinking about whether to tell Jiang Chen about it.

Jiang Chen has always thought that Tang Miao is a gentle, kind and perfect woman. I don't want to destroy his beautiful family, and I plan to keep it a secret for as long as I can.

I don't know if there is really selective amnesia in this world, but since he chooses to forget, I won't let him remember it.

I don't know why Tang Miao didn't confess, but I just wanted to keep him from being sad.

A mother would not harm her own child, and I would not harm my lover either. Our heart is to protect Jiang Chen.

As for Jiang Chen forgetting me in the past, this matter is not important at all, and he doesn't need to remember my current appearance after many years.

I remember him just fine.

This is the first time someone proposed a promise to stay by my side for the rest of my life, how can I not hate those who break the contract.When I was young, I thought that Jiang Shan was playing tricks on me like everyone else, that's why I got that note.

Love and hate intertwine to create a paranoid me.

I wrote that note not as a curse.

The so-called "falling into the dark and not being able to love" means seeing Jiangshan many years later, and I want him to escape into the darkness with me, and only depend on me for life.

After he discovered the existence of the note, he proposed to break up. My behavior became extreme and I tied him up.

He obviously did such an excessive thing, but instead of blaming me, he comforted me instead.

I realized that I was wrong, but I couldn't tell the truth. He has always been obsessed with the note. Even if he was misunderstood, I don't want him to remember the past.

He asked me what I wanted on my birthday, and I said I wanted every first time of his.

The anchor effect, when people make judgments, they are easily dominated by the first impression or the first information.

Because people are impressed the first time.

He has already forgotten me once, so what I want is a gift that he will never forget me again in his life.

In equal exchange, I gave him every first time.

When he put the ring on me, I found that I had nothing and could give nothing.He not only has to take care of his studies, but also supervises me, and I often think of the scene of our breakup in my mind.

It was me who was dragging him down.

We quarreled and he went home.I stayed in the dormitory alone, fearing that this would be an opportunity for us to break up, so I didn't sleep all night.

But the next day he came to kiss my scar, caring about the past that had already scabbed over.

I also often think, if he knows what I have done, will he still treat me as well as before.

During the period of being gossiped, I could see that he cared about other people's opinions.The environment I was born in made me immune to these words.

He is different, I made him suffer these things that he shouldn't have to bear.

But I'm an ordinary person, I can't shut up Yoyo's mouth, I can only stick to his ear and repeat that I love him over and over again.

Love gives birth to timidity, and courage to overcome timidity.

He gradually learned to block the bad words from the outside world and gradually became brave, but I became more and more afraid.

I have low self-esteem, I am afraid, I am afraid that he will not accept me, I am afraid that he will know all my actions with purpose, but he is kind-hearted and loves me more every time he understands me.

Watching the fireworks during the Chinese New Year, I really wanted to say that we might break up, so I couldn't bear it the moment I saw his eyes, so I could only change my words and say, "I love you."

I also really wish I could keep our relationship a secret for the rest of my life.

After the college entrance examination, we went out to play. He was envious of other people's two-way crush. I told him that we were too, but he didn't believe it.

It's just that he didn't find out my liking. He probably doesn't know how long I fell in love with him now.

In fact, I don't even know it myself.

Maybe it was when the 11-year-old was talking through the hole, maybe it was the fight, maybe it was the time he came to the equipment room to save me...

There are too many possibilities, Jiang Chen gave me countless moments to fall in love with him.

His love seems to be very obscure, but in fact it is frank, and the love I proclaim is the most shady.

After graduating, the unbearable behavior became a thing of the past, and only the good things were fixed in that account.

I bought the account, I don't want our love to be in the past, I want to end with that photo of the back.

I know Jiang Chen likes to read comments very much, so I will log in to my account and delete bad comments.

I went to get a tattoo and he saw the tattoo on my chest and asked me if I wanted to get off to a good start.

I didn't deny it.

The day I met him again in high school was a good start for me.

But what was supposed to happen happened.

I knelt down and said that I am not gay and I don't like Jiang Chen.

In this sentence, I can affirm the first half of the sentence, and I will always deny the second half.

During those seven days, I realized that losing Jiang Chen was far more terrifying than falling into darkness. Hiding in the room to kill my own feelings, not only failed, but worsened.

I gave birth to me, and in just seven days, I created countless me who love Jiang Chen, but the most fundamental me pushed him away after seeing him.

I know he is sad and there is nothing I can do.

I really want to wait for me to persuade my mother.

I know there will be a day, but my mother's seven years of pain, I don't know how many years it will take to persuade one to be fulfilled, and how long will this love that never sees the light of life last.

I have already experienced the feeling of looking forward to a person for several years, and I don't want him to experience the feeling of being so far away.

I was lying on the bed with my back to him, hearing those words, I wanted, really wanted to hug him, but I held back.

Jiang Chen knew exactly what I was thinking, and advised me not to take all the blame and not let myself go.

We swallowed the pain in our hearts and tried our best to think about each other. Obviously our hearts were riddled with holes, but we were still worried about whether the other party would be sad.

The painful part is feeling the love that can be expressed without words, but it comes at an age when we can't help it.

I am not so cold and unreasonable that I am even more afraid than anyone else.That year, Jiang Chen lived in such fear, so I couldn't show any cowardice.

I don't regret falling in love with him at all. What I blame is that I know that these things will happen, but I still want to be with him. I only blame me for dragging him to the fire pit with my own hands.

When sending him to the car, he asked me if I wanted to be so cruel, I didn't look back, I was afraid that he would see me crying, I was afraid that he would be reluctant, I was afraid that he would feel bad.

I am very selfish, knowing that there will be a day of breaking up, I still want to continue to be with him.

After the separation, I kept telling myself that I had been in love with him once, I should be satisfied, and I have no regrets in this life.

It's not a sense of guilt anymore, it's a sense of guilt. I'm very afraid that I will ruin him, and at the same time, I'm glad that the university is so close to him, even if something happens, I can still go to him.

Those two years of contact seemed to be broken, but in fact they were not broken.

I asked He Yidai to chat with him, and learned about his recent situation from He Yikou.

I would also check his university campus account, and every time I saw a few people confessing their love to him, I felt happy and disappointed at the same time, and I was really afraid that he would not want me anymore.

Even if he doesn't want me anymore, it's only because I deserve it, I pushed him away with my own hands.

I've never been so scared in my life when I got the call saying he had been in a car accident.

People who could cry all night because of a piece of paper were lying on the hospital bed and couldn't move. They already forced a smile when they saw me, even if they bit their mouths in pain, they refused to bite my hand.

Even if there is a third person in life, this kind of feeling can never be surpassed.

Finally my mother agreed.

In more than two years, I drew 100 of his paintings, listened to the recordings countless times, read the talk on the account countless times, and copied our chat records for three books. Back down.

He may not even know.

I don't care if he knows what I've done, I'm not a saint who doesn't expect anything in return, but I didn't give anything to impress him.

Everyone can say that I don't love Jiang Chen, and I also feel that what I have done is far inferior to the love Jiang Chen gave me, but he always feels that he is not worthy of my affection.

Maybe we all understand what love is now.

We always feel that we have not given enough, done enough, and are not worthy of each other, so we strive to achieve a better self, so as to cultivate an upward and tenacious love.

In fact, after I was with him, every birthday wish I made was to marry him.

I firmly believe in materialism, advocating reality and science, and never superstitious, but I hope that he can realize my wish without opening my mouth.

And he really did.

As for the marriage certificate—

Without legal constraints, we still give ourselves to each other with confidence, which is enough to prove the sincerity of our love.

Some time ago, I received a notice that we were rated as outstanding graduates by our high school, and our names were written on the campus red list, becoming a legend among students one after another.

Every time I was mentioned, someone would know that it was the man who liked Jiang Chen the most.

Even if I turn into dry bones, even if I am buried in dust, he will never be separated from me.

I probably did what I most wanted to do.

When people know me,

He will definitely know about my Jiang Chen.

——End of full text——

The author has something to say:

I would like to use this book to commemorate my youth,

Praise for love, thank you for your company.