[Call for Papers] Fan Notes

Chapter 2 fan notes

When a person stays in an empty room for a long time, even missing will rust and mold.

I was walking on the empty grass behind the house, and the spring sunshine shone on me, which made me slightly unable to open my eyes.In the past, whenever I was in a bad mood, Uncle Li would always take me out for a walk, which could be considered a walk or a relaxation.He always likes to teach me not to like the excitement too much, because I can miss a lot of scenery in this way.I didn't believe this sentence at first, but when I complained endlessly about how difficult the road was, Uncle Li picked up a hundred-yuan bill behind me, which made me believe it As he said, a banknote is a valuable landscape, and those pure natures are priceless landscapes.Look at the grass under your feet, the wild fire is endless and the spring wind blows and regenerates; look at the leaves on the tree, the fallen red is not a ruthless thing, it turns into spring mud to protect the flowers; look at the time between your fingers, complaining of no avail will only speed it up the passage of time.At that moment, I didn't believe that Uncle Li was a policeman, but more that he was a philosopher.Because he said, some things, as long as you believe, as long as you turn around, he exists.As a result, I believed that Uncle Li was always there, so he appeared behind me every time I turned around.

Now, looking at the weeds under your feet, it is growing farther and denser; now looking at the green leaves on the trees, all phenomena are just a natural law, as long as you look in a good direction, you can see the philosophy The presence.Because I no longer believed what Uncle Li said, how many times I turned around on the spot, even closed my eyes in fear, and when I opened them, he still didn't appear in front of me. The philosopher is indeed a lie.

I lay on the grass and looked at the clouds in the sky, envious of them drifting away without knowing where they were going.I looked at the people sitting together talking and laughing not far away, and I even found two men among them holding hands, and there were kites flying by them in the sky.Such a pleasant afternoon, if there is someone lying beside me, I hope that person is Uncle Li.

At that moment, I didn't know what I was thinking, whether I fell asleep in longing or in sadness.I even thought that if I was raped by a stranger at this moment, I would never resist, at least this would give me an excuse to die; if I would be taken away by a stranger, I would not hesitate, at least one person You can drink with me.

Was it awakened by a gust of wind, or by the sound of a flower blooming?People around me are busy with their own affairs, my appearance is just like an extra stump here, and I don't disturb them at all.It was not until I saw a child writing something with a pen that I suddenly remembered a sentence my mother said to me before she died. Most of the things I want to know are written down in a notebook. Those things are What she didn't want to tell me herself, she didn't want me to know either.

As if I had some kind of guidance suddenly, as if I had grasped the most important clue in my life, I ran home and tidied up my mother's room thoroughly.I remembered her dying words to throw away these unnecessary things, but I still didn't make up my mind to throw them away for various reasons.

Mother's things are very simple, she never dresses herself up too much, there are almost no famous brands in the clothes in the closet, she has been a vegetarian for many years, such a good person, why did God take her away prematurely?

I searched every corner, rummaged through every cabinet, and didn't even miss every crack under the bed. Where would mother hide such a precious thing?Or did the mother end up burning it?Or was it taken away by Uncle Li?Impossible, in my memory, Uncle Li has never entered my mother's room.

The most special place in my mother's room is the dressing table. There is no cosmetics, but there are two prayer beads, one big and one small. here.

I don't know how many times my mother has sat on this dresser alone and stared blankly. The most difficult thing is to stay in the world. How does she tolerate her growing old with loneliness day by day?Are you thinking about the dead father or the unfilial me?

Regarding the memory of father, the place where mother can see, and the place where mother spends the most time every day, is undoubtedly the dressing table.I knocked on the dressing table, and it was empty, which undoubtedly proved my guess was correct, as my mother told me, it is easy to find, as long as I can put my heart into it, if I can’t find it, it’s good not to look .

I don't know if my mother said this to let me know or not to let me know this past secret, but there are some things that can only be decided after doing something.If you can do it but don't do it, you may not even have the qualification to regret it.

The notes are a bit yellowish, and it is impossible to count how many times they have been read.My mood is excited, my love and hatred may all be related to this notebook, it is packaged very carefully, just like a mother's mind; I opened it very cautiously, as if I was afraid that I would know something that I didn't want to face.

The handwriting of the words is a note of a man, and this man's name is exactly the same as mine, with Bai Shanyun written on it.This can't help but make me wonder, did I come back to life, and my memory of the previous ten years was emptied?The handwriting is not my handwriting either. I found my father's manuscript, which is exactly the same, and the name of the note is called: Tongren Notes.

My father was gay?How can this be?What about my mother, are they a physical marriage?They still have me?Why does mother like father so much?Why is my name exactly the same as the name on the note?Why is his father's name Bai Shanyun?Didn't Uncle Li tell me that his name is Bai Jingnan?

I hastily turned the note to one side, and finally saw my mother's handwriting on the back, which said: Son, if you see this note, it means that I have passed away, and it also means that you have walked on the path of your father.You would never have known about your father's past, forgive mom for being selfish.But you are still on the road of being gay, mom won’t blame you, you have the right to know what happened to your father, and you also have the right to determine your future life, no matter what you choose, mom will support you in another world of.Can you forgive your mother for the mistakes she made back then?Below is my mother's signature, Zhang Jingqing.

Mother's name is Zhang Jingqing?Father's name is Bai Shanyun?Then whose name is Bai Jingnan in my mind?I once heard them mention that my father's name was Bai Jingnan, but the familiar name turned out to be mine.My mother's name has a word Jing, and coupled with years of doubts and incomplete childhood memories, it can be deduced that my real name is Bai Jingnan.And I didn't think too much about the name issue. What attracts me most now is the past of my father and mother. What kind of story happened between them?And what kind of identity does Uncle Li appear in my life? Why does he always call my name, or my father's name, when he sleeps? Why is he avoiding me now?

PS:——

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